Sam Smith… Taran Killam
Dr. Evil… Mike Myers[Starts with ‘Very Somber Christmas’ intro]
Male voice: Live from the north of England, its a very somber Christmas with your host Sam Smith.[cheers and applause] [Cut to 1 standing. There are Christmas decorations behind him.]
Sam Smith: [singing] Stay with me,
like a Christmas tree
star goes on top it’s clear to see
darling, stay with me
Hello, I’m Sam Smith. Christmas is about spending time with the ones you love, which is why I’m alone. I’m so very happy that–[the video gets disrupted] [Cut to 2 sitting on his chair caressing his cat.] [cheers and applause]
Dr. Evil: Hello.[cheers and applause]
Hello, I’m Dr. Evil. I’ve preempted this program because I’m furious that North Korea and Sony Pictures have both given evil organizations a bad name.[He puts down his cat]
I mean, what the F, people? It’s just so pathetic to see you two fight over a silly comedy. It’s like watching two bald men fight over a comb. Who cares? Sony, North Korea, it’s time to get a trapper keeper and some loose leaf, coz I’m about to take you to school. Let’s start with you, North Korea. You’re one of the most evil countries in the world and your act of war is to kill a movie? It’s easy to kill a movie. Just move it to January. Look, I know Kim Jong Un. We went on a Viking river cruise together. I recommend it. It’s breath taking. Let me put it this way. Kim’s not with it. He still watches laser discs.
But, back to the hackers. First of all, the name. Well, you guys were just sitting around and pitching it was one guy like, “I’ve got an idea. Let’s call ourselves the Guardians of Peace, or the GOP. Hello! Way to go, A-holes! There’s already a GOP. And they’re already an evil organization.[applause]
What are you gonna do next, GOP? Ask for $1 million. Been there, done that. Smoked it. Humped it. Called it an Uber. Still, I suppose you have to give credit to the North Koreans. I haven’t seen balls like that in Pyongyang since Dennis Rodman changed into his shorty shorts. But why pick on Sony? They haven’t had a hit since the Walkman.
Come on, Sony. You thought it was joke to have James Franco assassinate Kim Jong Un. The man single handedly almost killed the Oscars. Think! Think!
Look, I saw the interview. It was charming. But if you really want to put a bomb on a theater, do what I did. Put in the love guru.
And finally, I have one last thing to say. Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night![cheers and applause]