Hillary Clinton Election Video Cold Open

Christina… Venessa Bayer

Hillary Clinton…¬†Kate McKinnon

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

[Starts with The Clinton Residence, Chappaqua, New York.]

Christina: Okay, tomorrow’s the big day, Mrs. Clinton.

[Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton in the Clinton Residence.] [cheers and applause]

You’re finally going to announce that you’re running for president.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Oh, my gosh! I don’t know if I have it in me. I’m scared. I’m kidding. Let’s do this. Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton]

Christina: [laughing] Oh, Hillary, you put the hill in hilarious. [Cut to Christina] Now, since we’re announcing your candidacy via social media, we thought it would be fun if you’d actually film the video yourself, on your own phone. [Christina pulls out an old generation mobile phone] That way it seems more personal and intimate.

[Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Personal and intimate, yes. I better take off this jacket then.

[Hillary Clinton opens her coat.]

Christina: That’s much better. Now, I want you to do some vocal warm ups and then we’ll get started.

[Hillary Clinton is taking deep breaths.]

Hillary Clinton: Okay. Love to.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton] [clears throat]

Hillary’s a granny with a twinkle in her eye.

Hillary’s a granny and she makes an apple pie.

First female president. First female president. Me, me, me, me, me, me.

[Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton]

Christina: Graet, Mrs. Clinton. Okay, now hold up your phone. And you can just look natural.

Hillary Clinton: Okay.

[Cut to Hillary’s selfie video. She is making aggressive teeth face.]

Christina: Maybe, you wanna soften a little.

[Hillary Clinton closes her mouth a little]

Okay, a little more.

[Now, Hillary Clinton is just smiling]

Okay, maybe a lot more.

[Hillary Clinton is pouting]

Great, and action!

Hillary Clinton: [aggressive again] Citizens, you will elect me. I will be your leader.

Christina: Okay, great. [Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton] Let’s stop there.

Hillary Clinton: Okay. Okay.

Christina: Ma’am. I think you may be coming off. It’s just a little hard.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, shoot! What part?

Christina: Sort of, all of it. But that’s okay. Let’s try again. And remember, you said this new campaign is not about you, it’s about the people. So, let’s try one where you don’t say I or even your own name.

Hillary Clinton: Okay. Oh, that will be easy. Got it.

[Cut to selfie video of Hillary Clinton]

Hello, it is I, Hillary Clinton.

Christina: Let’s stop again.

[Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton]

You said ‘I’ and you full name immediately.

Hillary Clinton: Yes, oh shit! I did!

Christina: Yes, but don’t worry. We’ll just delete that one up your phone.

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] Know a thing or two about that, right?

[Christina and Hillary Clinton laugh]

Oh, Christina, meet my hand in the air.

[Hillary Clinton gives her hand for a high-five.]

Christina: Okay.

[They high-five]

Hillary Clinton: Thank you so much. Yes. Good, good.

Christina: Okay, let’s keep going. This time, maybe focus in all that you’ve done for women’s rights.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, okay. That’s good.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton’s selfie video] Hillary Clinton: I am running because I want to be a voice for women everywhere.

[Bill Clinton walks in]

Bill Clinton: Did someone say women everywhere?

[cheers and applause]

Hillary Clinton: Oh, Bill. Hello, Bill. Ha-ha-ha.

Bill Clinton: Hillary would make a great President. And I would make an ever greater First Dude.

Hillary Clinton: Thank you Bill. It’s nice.

Bill Clinton: Hillary, isn’t it crazy that phones can take videos now?

Hillary Clinton: Yes.

Bill Clinton: I mean, if they could have done that in the 90s, I’d be in jail.

Hillary Clinton: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Great Bill. I love jokes about that.

[Hillary Clinton pushes Bill Clinton away]

Bill Clinton: Okay. I get it. This election is about you. I don’t want to hold your limelight. I am leaving. Look at me go. Bye, I’m gone.

[Bill Clinton leaves]

Hillary Clinton: Aren’t we such a fun approachable dynasty?

Christina: Alright, um… [Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton] you know what? Let’s refocus on your candidacy. And remember, the new Hillary is humble and gracious.

Hillary Clinton: Yes, got it.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton’s selfie video]

I know this election season won’t be easy. I’m sure I will face some stiff competition from my fellow democrats. People like Martin O’Malley who could really give me a run [starts laughing] I’m sorry I broke. It’s too funny. Martin O’Malley instead of me. He sounds like a Simpsons character. Aha-ha-ha-ha. Okay. Let me keep going. At the end of the day, America, you deserve a leader who cares about you. And that is why I would make a great president.

[Bill Clinton walks in again]

Bill Clinton: And surprise, I will be her VP. And if anything happens to her… god forbid, I will happily be president of the United States again. It will be Bill Clinton II, bigger and blacker.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, buddy! Bill, Bill!

Bill Clinton: Alright, okay.

[Bill Clinton leaves]

Hillary Clinton: He’s joking, America. My vice president of course will be me.

Christina: Okay. [Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton] Ma’am! Once again, you can’t be your own vice president.

Hillary Clinton: We will see about that.

Christina: Well, let’s just jump to the end of the speech, okay?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton’s selfie video]

Hillary Clinton: In closing, I am so excited for the next chapter in American history. And I promise that with Hillary Clinton in charge, it will be a brand new White House.

[Bill Clinton walks in again, this time playing a sax.]

Oh, who am I kidding? Buckle up America, coz the Clintons are back! And live from New York

Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton:¬†It’s Saturday Night!