Charlie… Kristen Stewart
Kate McKinnon
Pete Davidson
Mikey Day
Vanessa Bayer
[Starts with show intro]
Male voice: You’re watching Turner Classic Movies. We now return to 1971’s, “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.”
[Cut to an old cottage house. Inside the bedroom, there are two old men and two old women in one bed. Charlie runs in.]
Charlie: Look, everybody! I got it! The 5th golden ticket. It’s mine.
Kate: Oh, you’re pulling our legs, Charlie. There aren’t any more golden tickets.
Charlie: Grandma, the 5th one was fake. It said so in the papers. I found money in the street and I bought a chocolate bar and the ticket was in it.
Pete: Charlie!
Charlie: Grandpa, look for yourself. [hands the ticket to Pete]
Pete: [reading] Greetings to you, finder of this golden ticket, from Mr. Willy Wonka. Present this ticket at the factory gates at 10 o’clock in the morning. You may bring oner person, but no one else. Charlie, you’ve done it! [Pete comes out of the bed and stands] Look at me! Up and about! I haven’t done this in 20 years.
[singing] I never thought that I could be
anything but catastrophy
but suddenly I begin to see
a bit of good luck for me
Charlie: Wait, what? You can stand? Are you serious right now?
Pete: Yes, Charlie. I’m standing.
Charlie: Grandpa, you’ve been able to stand this entire time and you just didn’t?
Pete: Yes.
Charlie: But I thought you had terrible polio.
Pete: Oh, god no! I’m old, not sick, Charlie. Now let me finish my song.
[singing] I never thought that I could be
Charlie: I never thought you could walk, grandpa. I dropped out of school. I had to get a job. I work for a bookie.
Pete: And you’re doing great, Charlie.
Charlie: I schedule dog fights. And last week I got stabbed by a man named Dennis, it was so much fun.
Pete: Look, Charlie, you found the golden ticket, now please, let me do my number.
[singing] I never thought
Charlie: No, no. You never stood up, then I get a ticket with a plus one, and suddenly you’re dancing around like Ginger Rogers on Uppers. No.
[Mikey gets out of bed too]
Mikey: Oh, Charlie, be easy on your grandfather.
Charlie: You can stand too? Hell no, I sponge-bathed you. I washed your balls!
Mikey: I didn’t ask you to. I also thought that was strange. Calm down, Charlie.
Charlie: You calm down. I’m out on the streets while your lazy asses are in bed all day scissoring? I’m not down with that.
Pete: Come on, Charlie. Cheer up. Let’s get ready for the factory!
Charlie: What part of “You ain’t going” don’t you get, dog?
Kate: Maybe sounds like you’ve had a bit too much chocolate, Charlie.
Charlie: I’ve had none, we’re poor. You know what? Screw all of you.
Vanessa: I actually do have polio.
Charlie: Please, Grandma. I’m sorry. I got to go. [Charlie storms out]
Pete: Alright. Well, race to the movies?
Kate: Whoo! [Kate gets out of the bed too]
Pete: [singing] a bit of good luck for me
[Pete runs out with Kate and Mikey]
Vanessa: I really do have polio.