Jacob… Venessa Bayer[Starts with Michael Che on his set]
Michael Che: This Tuesday will mark the beginning of the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah. Here to explain some Hanukkah traditions is my new podiatrist’s son and recent bar mitzvah boy, Jacob.[Jacob slides in]
Jacob: Here, Michael. My dad said to give you this ointment as a token of appreciation for your business.
Michael Che: Oh, thank you. And it’s great to meet you, Jacob. Are you excited about Hanukkah?[Michael Che silently opens his book]
Jacob: [clears his throat] The Jewish holiday of Hanukkah commemorates the miraculous victory of the Maccabees in ancient times.
Michael Che: So, you’re just gonna launch right into it, huh? Okay, that’s cool.[Jacob smiles looking at Michael Che and turns the page.] [Cut to Jacob]
Jacob: In 165 BCE, they defeated the evil King Antiochus. He was very mean. But not as mean as my Spanish tutor, Mr. Freeburgh. But you’ll have to talk to my lawyer about that.[Cut to Jacob and Michael Che]
Michael Che: Jacob, you seem a little nervous. You don’t have to do a rehearsed speech like at your bar mid school. We can just talk like buddies.[Jacob smiles at Michael Che]
Jacob: Each night at Hanukkah [cut to Jacob] we light a candle and say a prayer. The prayer for the bread, the prayer for the wine, oh, and a prayer that YouTube finally disabled the comments on the rock music video I made with my cousins. But you’ll have to talk to my lawyer about that.[Cut to Jacob and Michael Che]
Michael Che: I think you might already have already used that one. Um, do you really have a lawyer, Jacob?[Jacob smiles looking at Michael Che and turns the page.]
Jacob: In conclusion…
Michael Che: Okay, back to the book. I got it.[Cut to Jacob]
Jacob: I want to thank my aunt Betty and uncle Richard for making the shlop out from New Jersey. Also, thank you to cousin Barbara for your beautiful Koogle. And thank you to the wonderful bar mitzvah dancers, tornado in sky who walked my bobby onto the dance floor and prompted her adlip the joke, a girl could used to this.[Cut to Jacob and Michael Che]
Michael Che: That’s pretty nice, Jacob.[Jacob smiles looking at Michael Che and turns the page.]
Jacob: And lastly…
Michael Che: Okay.[Cut to Jacob]
Jacob: I want to thank Derek Jeter for his years of service to the New York Yankees.[Cut to Jacob and Michael Che]
Michael Che: That is very sweet, Jacob. You know, you’re a real cool kid. How about a high-five?[Jacob high-fives Michael Che]
bar mitzvah boy, Jacob, everyone![cheers and applause]
For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.