Ivana Trump… Cecily Strong[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: This past week, Ivana Trump, president Trump’s first wife stirred some controversy when she called herself the first lady while promoting her new book ‘Raising Trump’. Here to elaborate is Ivana Trump.[Ivana Trump slides in]
Ivana Trump: Colin, why you always so harsh on Donald? Why you can’t give him a break? He’s not so bad. Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Colin Jost: I’m surprised that you seem so supportive of him.[Cut to Ivana Trump]
Ivana Trump: yes. Of course I am. We re like family. I am the first lady.[Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Okay, yeah. But actually, Melania, right, is the first lady.[Cut to Ivana Trump]
Ivana Trump: Yeah. Well, of course. but I am a first lady of Donald Trump, right? What do you call the one that is first? First lady. Am I lie?[Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Okay. So, your’e saying that because you were his first wife?
Ivana Trump: Oh! You see now. You get it. Look, this hardware is smart.
Colin Jost: So, tell us a little bit about the book you wrote.[Cut to Ivana Trump]
Ivana Trump: Yes. Well, everywhere I go, the yacht club, the country club, private airplane, Ferrari expos, you know, everybody want to know, what is behind this red power suit? The chronic French twist hair? How I become a first lady? You know, how I met with Donald Trump. You know, I raised him too, since he was this tall. Ha-ha-ha-ha. He’s always very tall, right?[Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: That’s good. That’s good.
Ivana Trump: You like this?
Colin Jost: I really like that. Yes. So, could you give us a taste of what’s inside the book?
Ivana Trump: Oh! Growing boy want a taste. Okay. I give you a little nibble. [Cut to Colin Jost. She wears her glasses and goes through her book] Let’s see. Come on. I give you chapter 14. How Donald was never around, I had to do everything. No, it’s not bad. He’s businessman. So, he’s doing business away from the family. I raised him myself.[Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Wait. That’s all the title of the chapter?
Ivana Trump: Yes. Just look. [Showing the title. The title is literally very long.] Yes. [Cut to Ivana Trump] The rest of the chapter is astounding photographs of my apartment in Miami, and my cute dog, Chuchu-nyonyo. It’s a really cute dog.
Colin Jost: Very cute. [Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost] Aren’t you afraid you might be pushing some buttons with this book?[Cut to Ivana Trump]
Ivana Trump: No. Look at my nails. I can’t push buttons with these nails. You see my joke? Ha-ha-ha.[Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: That’s very good. I really enjoyed that. That was great.
Ivana Trump: Look, look, look. Donald and I have a very good relationship. We are a family after all. Look, I call every 14 days but I don’t like to call too much because if Melania pick up, I say, “No, don’t pay attention to me, Melania, it’s just old school friend from old school day.” You know, I don’t want jealousy. [Cut to Ivana Trump] I love the third lady. I don’t want her to be jealous of the first lady. Ha-ha-ha-ha.[Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Yeah. You keep calling yourself first lay.
Ivana Trump: Yes. But I am the first lady. Melania is third lady. Look, I support girls walking into disaster zones in her heels. [Cut to Ivana Trump] And by disaster zone, I mean walk-in closet. It’s so small. Ha-ha-ha-ha. I am on role, huh?[Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Yeah. Very great role. Yeah. Well, she is very upset with you. She tweeted you are only doing this to try to get attention.
Ivana Trump: No. Who is the author of this tweet? Melania or Michelle Obama? Ha-ha. You know what I’m talking about? From before?
Colin Jost: Yes. From a long time ago.[Ivana Trump speaking gibberish because she’s eating something]
Colin Jost: What are you saying?[Ivana Trump speaking gibberish]
Colin Jost: I’m okay. I can’t have hazel nuts.
Ivana Trump: Oh, you poor thing. [Cut to Ivana Trump] You know what? There is no bad blood. Melania can go back to manage the White House. And I will go back to young race car drivers in Miami because I prefer baby sitter over nurse. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Colin Jost: Thank you. Ivana Trump, everyone.
Ivana Trump: I am the first lady.
Colin Jost: First lady. Thank you guys. On a serious note tonight, I just wanted to say if you would like to help the people of Puerto Rico, please make a donation to Somos One Voice.
Michael Che: That’s right. Go to www.somosonevoice.com. Thank you very much. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.