Johanne… Kate McKinnon
Chucky… Will Farrell[Starts with a message video]
Male voice: The following is a paid advertisement.[Cut to Glen and Johanne in their set]
Glen: Who can forget the 1950s?
Johanne: Soda shops. Hula-hoops. Drive in movies.
Glen: Jim Crow. Drag racing. And of course the birth of rock n’ roll music. Right Johanne?
Johanne: That’s right, Glen. And if you’re gonna talk about rock n’ roll, you gotta talk about the incomparable Chucky Lee Byrd.
Glen: That’s right. We are proud to bring you for the first time anywhere, this five discs box set from the poet of teen love himself. Chucky Lee Byrd.
Johanne: Now, you can relive that glorious time in music with this rare compilation.
Glen: We promise, you can’t find these jams anywhere else.
Johanne: It’s like, “Beauty Queen.”[Cut to the old black and white music video] [music playing]
Chucky: [singing] She’s my little beauty queen
And she’s only 17
but she’s my beautiful
beautiful beauty queen
Glen: And the “Candy Baby.”
Chucky: She’s my candy baby,
she’s my candy baby,
and she’s sugar sweet and clean
what should I get her for her sweet 16
Glen: You said it, Johanne. This collection will bring you back to a simpler time in music. A time of innocence, purity.
Johanne: Right. Timeless classics like, “Farmer Girl.”[Cut to the old black and white music video] [music playing]
Chucky: [singing] She grows corn, she grows bean
my daddy hates me coz she’s only 14
14, 14, 14, that’s her age
Glen: And who could forget about Chucky’s classic ode to muscle car.
Johanne: Okay, cars. Thank god.
Glen: “My new T-Bird.”[Cut to the old black and white music video] [music playing]
Chucky: [singing] She purrs so fine, she’s fresh off the line
I wanna make her mine, and this song’s about a girl who’s 13, 13
Okay, she’s 12
Johanne: Okay. That’s insane.
Glen: You bet it’s insane. Never before have all these hits been compiled and rereleased on one collection until now.
Johanne: No, Glen. I mean the songs. The songs are insane. They’re all about loving teenage girls.
Glen: Well, they don’t call him ‘the poet of teen love’ for nothing, Johanne.
Johanne: Okay. But doesn’t he seem pretty old?
Glen: He is old, Johanne. It’s vintage footage. And folks, if you call right now, we will give you a special bonus disc with some of Chucky’s classic B sides like, [Cut to old black and white music video with a list of songs.] “Cruising in my windowless van.”
Johanne: “Girl Scout Cookie.”
Glen: “I Left My Heart Across State Lines.”
Johanne: “Simple Girl From Across The Street.”
Glen: “Our Love Is A Crime.” Oh, I see what you’re saying now.
Johanne: “First Day Of School… Ever!”
Glen: “Baby You Can Drive My Car If I’m In The Passenger Seat Because You Only Have A Permit.”
Johanne: “One And One Equals Eleven.” Jesus! Cut back to us now, please. Hah! So, obviously this guy is a pervert and we have to stop the commercial.
Glen: Well, I can’t just bail on him, Johanne. He’s still my grandpa.
Johanne: This is your grandfather? Have you not listened to the songs?
Glen: I mean I just thought it was a different time back then. It was the 80’s.
Johanne: He made these songs in the 1980s? Who makes 50’s rock n’ roll in the 1980s?
Glen: Uh, Billy Joel. Ever heard of him?
Johanne: Yeah. But Billy Joel didn’t make paedophile anthem.
Glen: [yelling] But he’s my grandpa, Johanne.
Female voice: Order Chucky Lee Byrd’s poet of teen love compilation box set today.
Chucky: Call now!