Kyle Mooney
Mikey Day
Alex Moffat
Cecily Strong
Scarlett Johansson
[Starts with three scientists in their lab]
Kyle: On behalf of Inotech research, we’d like to welcome you back to the testing lab.
Mikey: We know our last presentation of X5 mind reading device was not exactly successful.
[Cut to Alex and Cecily]
Alex: No, it was not. It was bad.
Cecily: Very bad.
[Cut to Scarlett]
Scarlett: Yes, we are aware. Rest assured that all the glitches have been fixed. At last we’ll be able to accurately read the thoughts of common household pets.
[Cut to Alex and Cecily]
Alex: Heard that before.
[Cut to Scarlett]
Scarlett: Now, today’s test subject is my own dog, Max.
[Cut to a pug with a device hat on his head]
So, with your permission let’s begin.
[Cut to everybody]
[The scientists are working on their devices]
Mikey: We have mind link.
[Cut to the scientists]
Scarlett: Max, can you hear me?
[Cut to Max]
Max: Woof, woof! Just kidding! It’s me, Max.
[Cut to Scarlett]
Scarlett: How are you feeling?
[Cut to Max]
Max: Great.
[Cut to Scarlett]
Scarlett: Why is that Max?
[Cut to Max]
Max: Because Trump is getting impeached.
[Cut to Alex and Cecily]
Cecily: Oh! That’s better.
[Cut to Max]
Max: Too bad it means he’s going to get reelected for sure. Good job, dummies!
[Cut to Alex and Cecily]
Cecily: What?
[Cut to the scientists]
Scarlett: Max, no. Where did you hear that?
[Cut to Max]
Max: On fox news. Your parents let me watch when they baby sit me.
[Cut to Scarlett]
Scarlett: Oh, my god. That’s not true. There’s a mountain of evidence against trump.
[Cut to Max]
Max: And name one conservative whose mind has been changed by any of it. Oh, right. You don’t know any.
[Cut to Scarlett]
Scarlett: I know conservatives. My cousin Tina.
[Cut to Max]
Max: Oh, right. Tina, that you blocked on all social media accounts. You’re real close.
[Cut to Alex and Cecily]
Cecily: All right, what is going on with that dog?
[Cut to the scientists]
Scarlett: Nothing. He’s fine. Max, people have no reason to think that Trump is a good president.
[Cut to Max]
Max: [coughs] The economy. [coughs] Unemployment. [coughs] Stockmarket. Sorry, my Kennel cough is coming up.
[Cut to the scientists]
Mikey: Yikes! Burn!
Scarlett: Max, Trump is a crook.
[Cut to Max]
Max: No Doubt. But he’s playing a game the democrats don’t even know the rules to. And I hate to quote Charlie Sheen here but he’s winning.
[Cut to Scarlett]
Scarlett: Max, you’re just a dog. You don’t even know what we are talking about. You eat your own poop.
[Cut to Max]
Max: And you ate pizza crust out of the garbage last night. She thought she was being good by throwing it away and ten minutes later she’s digging for it.
[Cut to Scarlett]
Scarlett: We have no choice but to impeach. He’ll try to steal the next election.
[Cut to Max]
Max: Like you stole my testicles? I’m still mad about that. Here’s an actual experiment. Everyone say out loud the democratic hopeful they’re most excited about.
[The people are not sure of any candidate]
[Cut to Max]
Max: Yeah. Terrific. Can’t wait for November.
[Cut to Scarlett]
Scarlett: Max. That’s enough. You’re just pretending you still like Trump because you’re too embarrassed to admit how awful he is.
[Cut to Max]
Max: Oh, is Rachel Maddow in the room? Please, lecture me some more. It’s working.
[Cut to Alex and Cecily]
Alex: Hey, Maddow is America’s sweetheart, you dumb pug.
[Cut to Max]
Max: Don’t you worry that history will look back on this moment and we’ll be embarrassed?
[Cut to Max]
Max: If you want to talk embarrassing history, let’s look at your web browser.
[Cut to Alex and Cecily]
Both: Oh!
[Cut to Scarlett with Max]
Scarlett: Max, you’re my best friend. I had no idea you felt like this.
Max: Well, you tend to do all the talking in the relationship.
Scarlett: No more Fox news. But I hear what you’re saying. Shake and make up?
Max: Sure.
Scarlett: Well, that concludes our presentation. What did you think?
[Cut to Alex and Cecily]
Cecily: Hated it.
Alex: Funding revoked.
[Cut to Scarlett with Max]
Scarlett: No, please, wait, let’s try other test sub. Fire up the machine.
[Cut to a piglet]
Piglet: Tulsi Gabbard, 2020!
Scarlett: Dammit!