Santa Song

Leslie D… Billie Eilish

Kate McKinnon

Ego Nwodim

Santa… Kenan Thompson

[starts with Leslie D, Kate and Ego at the stage. Leslie D is the lead singer]

Leslie D: Hey girls, I have a Christmas question for you: Has this ever happened to you?

Kate: It sure has Leslie D.

Leslie D: Wait, I haven’t asked you yet.

Ego: Asked us what Leslie D?

Leslie D: Just let me ask it and then you’ll know!

Kate: Okay don’t get mad…

Leslie D: Girls, I’m asking if you’ve ever dreamed of meeting someone your whole entire life, and then when you finally got the chance it didn’t go quite as planned?

Ego: Oh, we know just what you’re talking about.

Kate: But sing about it anyway just in case we don’t.

Leslie D: Okay…
[singing]
It was a winter’s night, a quarter to three
I was dozin’ by my Christmas tree
When he appeared with a full white beard
The very guy that I revered
I’m talking Santa! (Santa)
I was in the same room as him

Ego: You met the Santa? Like, from the bible?

Kate: Where you nervous Leslie D?

Leslie D: Was I ever!

[singing]
But I said to myself, “Don’t be a fool
Be smooth as ice and play it cool.”
So here is what I said…

“Hey sexy mama nice teeth!”

Yeah, I made it weird with Santa
(Santa)

Kate: Now why’d you go ahead and call him mama Leslie D?

Leslie D: I don’t know, I was nervous! He’s famous! And I thought if I winked he’d know I was kidding…um

[singing]
Does Santa hate me?
It’s anyone’s guess
He said my name
And I said “yes”
He asked if I’d been naughty or nice
and I said: Why’s asking, virgin?
Yeah I made it weird with Santa!

Kate: What does that even mean Leslie D?

Leslie D: I don’t know, it just came out of my mouth! Haha…

Ego: Well, what did Santa do?

Leslie D: He gave an odd smile and said, “Okay sure”
Then he sorta started heading towards the door…

Ego: Not the chimney?

Leslie D: No I think he just wanted to get out of there. 

So I said, “Okay Santa, you do you!”
And then I made finger guns and I went “zoop zoop”

Leslie D: Yikes, what is wrong with you?

Ego: Don’t feel bad, it happens to us all

Kate: We met him once at a Christmas ball

Kate and Ego: How could we converse with him? We should’ve rehearsed
Cause then he asked us if we were good and here’s what we said…

Ego: You tell me, you’re in charge Daddy…

Leslie D: Woah!

Ego: I thought I was flirting, I don’t know, but then I remembered, maybe he has a wife?

Kate: So then, I said, “Hey Santa, so you and Mrs. Clause never had children. Was that a conscious decision or was there like a health issue there? Or are the elves your children and you keep trying to make a tall one?”

Leslie D: Oh no. Then what happened?

Kate: He asked me what my name was and I said Beth. And he said, “Get away from me Beth.”
I don’t think I’m on good terms with Santa
Santa

Ego: But it gets worse, ’cause then I said, “Sorry Santa, we’ll leave you alone. But just so you know, you’re zipper is down.” And he said, “No, no, that’s just the fuzzy seame on my Santa suit. And I said, “No look!” And then I touched him down there.

Kate: Why?!

Ego: I don’t know! Because my brain doesn’t work!

Kate and Ego: We really blew it with Santa

Santa

Leslie D: He thinks I’m a dodo
He thinks I’m a doof
My, oh my, what’s that sound on the roof?

[Santa walks in with a mic]

Santa: Ho ho ho!

All: Santa!

Santa: Prancer said that I should give you one more chance. After all, it is Christmas.

Kate: It’s not our fault Santa

Ego: We’re not good in crowds

Leslie D: We never know what we’ll say out loud

Santa: All is forgiven, in fact I bring gifts
As a thank you for this jazzy Christmas Riff!

Ego: Wow!

Santa: What do you say?

Kate: My wife.

Santa: Try again.

Leslie D: Thank you Santa. We’re weird, but we love you!

Santa: Hey, Santa’s a little weird too, hehe.

All: Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas!