Leslie D… Billie Eilish
Kate McKinnon
Ego Nwodim
Santa… Kenan Thompson
[starts with Leslie D, Kate and Ego at the stage. Leslie D is the lead singer]Leslie D: Hey girls, I have a Christmas question for you: Has this ever happened to you?
Kate: It sure has Leslie D.
Leslie D: Wait, I haven’t asked you yet.
Ego: Asked us what Leslie D?
Leslie D: Just let me ask it and then you’ll know!
Kate: Okay don’t get mad…
Leslie D: Girls, I’m asking if you’ve ever dreamed of meeting someone your whole entire life, and then when you finally got the chance it didn’t go quite as planned?
Ego: Oh, we know just what you’re talking about.
Kate: But sing about it anyway just in case we don’t.
Leslie D: Okay…
[singing]
It was a winter’s night, a quarter to three
I was dozin’ by my Christmas tree
When he appeared with a full white beard
The very guy that I revered
I’m talking Santa! (Santa)
I was in the same room as him
Ego: You met the Santa? Like, from the bible?
Kate: Where you nervous Leslie D?
Leslie D: Was I ever!
[singing] But I said to myself, “Don’t be a foolBe smooth as ice and play it cool.”
So here is what I said…
“Hey sexy mama nice teeth!”
Yeah, I made it weird with Santa
(Santa)
Kate: Now why’d you go ahead and call him mama Leslie D?
Leslie D: I don’t know, I was nervous! He’s famous! And I thought if I winked he’d know I was kidding…um
[singing] Does Santa hate me?It’s anyone’s guess
He said my name
And I said “yes”
He asked if I’d been naughty or nice
and I said: Why’s asking, virgin?
Yeah I made it weird with Santa!
Kate: What does that even mean Leslie D?
Leslie D: I don’t know, it just came out of my mouth! Haha…
Ego: Well, what did Santa do?
Leslie D: He gave an odd smile and said, “Okay sure”
Then he sorta started heading towards the door…
Ego: Not the chimney?
Leslie D: No I think he just wanted to get out of there.
So I said, “Okay Santa, you do you!”
And then I made finger guns and I went “zoop zoop”
Leslie D: Yikes, what is wrong with you?
Ego: Don’t feel bad, it happens to us all
Kate: We met him once at a Christmas ball
Kate and Ego: How could we converse with him? We should’ve rehearsed
Cause then he asked us if we were good and here’s what we said…
Ego: You tell me, you’re in charge Daddy…
Leslie D: Woah!
Ego: I thought I was flirting, I don’t know, but then I remembered, maybe he has a wife?
Kate: So then, I said, “Hey Santa, so you and Mrs. Clause never had children. Was that a conscious decision or was there like a health issue there? Or are the elves your children and you keep trying to make a tall one?”
Leslie D: Oh no. Then what happened?
Kate: He asked me what my name was and I said Beth. And he said, “Get away from me Beth.”
I don’t think I’m on good terms with Santa
Santa
Ego: But it gets worse, ’cause then I said, “Sorry Santa, we’ll leave you alone. But just so you know, you’re zipper is down.” And he said, “No, no, that’s just the fuzzy seame on my Santa suit. And I said, “No look!” And then I touched him down there.
Kate: Why?!
Ego: I don’t know! Because my brain doesn’t work!
Kate and Ego: We really blew it with Santa
Santa
Leslie D: He thinks I’m a dodo
He thinks I’m a doof
My, oh my, what’s that sound on the roof?
Santa: Ho ho ho!
All: Santa!
Santa: Prancer said that I should give you one more chance. After all, it is Christmas.
Kate: It’s not our fault Santa
Ego: We’re not good in crowds
Leslie D: We never know what we’ll say out loud
Santa: All is forgiven, in fact I bring gifts
As a thank you for this jazzy Christmas Riff!
Ego: Wow!
Santa: What do you say?
Kate: My wife.
Santa: Try again.
Leslie D: Thank you Santa. We’re weird, but we love you!
Santa: Hey, Santa’s a little weird too, hehe.
All: Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas!