Jeff Bezos… Owen Wilson
Brother… Luke Wilson
Kid… Andrew Dismukes
Wally Funk… Heidi Gardner
Richard Branson… Alex Moffat
Elon Musk… Mikey Day
Delivery guy… Kenan Thompson
[Starts with video clips of space]
Male voice: For decades, the Star Trek franchise from the Final Frontier. Now, the tradition continues with a new ship, a new crew, and a new captain, Amazon founder, Jeff Bezos.
[Cut to Jeff Bezos in a space ship]
Jeff Bezos: Dude! Space is freaking awesome!
Male voice: Star Trek Ego Quest. The voyages of the S.S. New Sheppard. And its crew of random weirdos. Captain Jeff Bezos.
Jeff Bezos: Hell yes!
Male voice: First mate Jeff Bezos’ brother who is name is– Science Officer is some rich high school kid from Netherlands. [Kid dabs] And 82 year old astronaut, Wally Funk.
Wally Funk: I’m tired.
Male voice: Their mission to just sort of fly around space goofing off in a ship that looks like a penis.
Jeff Bezos: I’m in space with my brother Mark. This owns.
Brother: This is unbelievable.
Male voice: Alliances will be formed.
[Jeff Bezos looking out of the window]
Jeff Bezos: I’d recognize that purple mood lighting anywhere. Richard Branson, you maniac!
[Cut to Richard Branson inside a space ship with purple mood lighting in]
Richard Branson: Haha! What’s up, Bezos? You nutter! What are you doing?
Jeff Bezos: Well, just flying around.
Richard Branson: Yea, same here. Hey, you fancy a race?
Jeff Bezos: It’s on. Come on, you limey bitch!
[They start racing their space ships]
Male voice: Take flight on a midlife crisis of cosmic proportions.
[Their space ship crashes]
Jeff Bezos: Oh! We hit a space station.
Richard Branson: Oops! Don’t care. Ha-ha-ha.
Male voice: But around every corner, danger lurks.
Wally Funk: Incoming torpedo!
[something hits their space ship.]
Jeff Bezos: Who the hell is firing at us?
[Elon Musk appears on the screen]
Elon Musk: Hello, Jeff Bezos.
Jeff Bezos: Elon Musk. You son of a bitch.
Elon Musk: Space is big enough for only one weird white billionaire. So, you could say beating you is my prime objective.
Male voice: They’ll need all the help they can get from a loyal team of valued employees.
Kid: Captain.
Jeff Bezos: Yes.
Kid: We have a request to beam aboard.
Jeff Bezos: Sweet. Yes. It’s my delivery guy. Beam him up.
[Delivery guy teleports inside the space ship. He’s an Amazon delivery guy and is carrying a package.]
Delivery guy: Wow! Space! I can’t believe I’m up here.
Jeff Bezos: Thanks. Adios.
Delivery guy: By the way, it’s an honor to meet you, sir. People say you don’t care about Amazon employees but I disagree.
[Brother hits a button and Delivery guy starts vanishing]
Wow, so you’re just going to throw me out like that? Ay, can I use the bathroom real quick?
[Jeff Bezos throws a bottle at Delivery guy and he catches it]
Ay man, I’m not peeing in this!
Male voice: Star Trek, Ego Quest. Streaming this Christmas.
Jeff Bezos: So, what should we do? We do a couple of laps?