Clair… Kristen Stewart
Steve… Pete Davidson
Coffee maker… Mikey Day
Hair Dresser… Bobby Moynihan[Starts with a coffee pouring out of coffee machine]
Male voice: Soy coffee with latte milk.[two people try to get the cup]
Clair: Oops, sorry.
Steve: Oh, that’s okay. That’s crazy. Nobody ever gets my order.
Clair: Order up! [Clair picks up the cup and gives it to Steve]
Steve: We’re gonna need a bigger cup! [Clair and Steve laughing] Oh! I’m Steve.
Clair: I’m Clair. Hi, Steve.
Steve: Um, I never do this but… I was just wondering if maybe you wanted to get dinner sometime?
Clair: Um, yeah. Yeah, I would. I would love that.
Steve: Oh, great.
Clair: Okay, well, I’ll see you tonight?
Steve: Yeah. I can’t wait.
Clair: Bye, Steve.
Steve: Bye, Clair.
Male voice: Another soy coffee with latte milk.[Steve gets the cup, then suddenly turns around. Clair is getting in the car.]
Steve: But wait! Where are we going? And what time? And what’s your last name? And what’s your phone number? What’s everything? Clair![Cut to Clair in her car]
Clair: [talking on phone] Mom, this is a little nuts, but I think I just met someone.[Cut to Steve]
Steve: That girl that was just here. Do you know her last name?
Coffee maker: No, dude. Sorry.
Steve: Maybe there’s like, the last name on a receipt that you could check?
Coffee maker: Dude, I’m not just gonna like, show you someone’s receipt.
Steve: Have you ever been in a situation where you meet your soulmate, you just need to help a friend?
Coffee maker: No.[Cut to Clair walking in the street looking very happy] [Cut to Steve searching for Clair in Facebook]
Steve: 3 million results?[Cut to Clair in a hair salon]
Hair dresser: I have never seen you this happy. You are gonna look amazing. You’re gonna go out there and be like, “Say what?” And he’s gonna be like, “Get on it!”[Cut to Steve calling everyone named Clair out of phonebook]
Steve: Have you seen somebody named Clair? Hi, is this Clair? That’s like a sunshine in her eyes. Clair? Well, you’re crazy![Cut to Clair showing her outfit to her friends.] [First dress]
Friends: Argh![Second dress]
Friends: No![Third dress]
Friends: [happily screaming] Ahhh! Yay![Cut to Steve walking around asking people about Clair]
Steve: She’s like this tall and she doesn’t tell you like, important stuff. Clair?[Cut to Clair taking a seat at a restaurant]
Clair: [to waiter] He’ll be here soon.[Cut to Steve asking the coffee maker]
Steve: So, she could be at the wine bar on the second avenue, the wine bar on third avenue, any of the subway stations–
Coffee Maker: Dude, it’s Manhattan with two Ts, not two Ds.
Steve: It’s not Manhaddan?
Coffee Maker: No, dude.[Cut to Clair waiting for Steve alone] [Cut to Steve shouting Clair’s name in the streets]
Steve: Clair! Clair! Clair![Cut to Clair. The waiter brings in the check.]
Clair: Thanks. This was– This was fun.[Cut to Steve shouting Clair’s name in the streets]
Steve: Clair! Clair! Clair![Cut to Clair back in her house] [Cut to Steve yelling Clair’s name for the last time on his knees.]
Steve: Clair![Cut to Clair sitting in her house. She hears Steve shouting her name. She opens the window and looks down at the street.]
Steve: Clair? Oh my god, I’ve been looking for you all night!
Clair: Oh, really? Well, you found me. I don’t normally do this but you want to come up?
Steve: Of course. I would love that.
Clair: I’ll see you in a sec, then.
Steve: See you up there.[Clair gets in and closes the window]
Clair! I don’t know what apartment you’re in! Clair!