Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of news articles at left top corner.]
Well, the national guard has been deployed to the Mexican border. Our trade war with China keeps escalating. And a pornstar says she can give a detailed description of the president’s penis. And yes, I listed those stories from least to most disturbing.
President Trump deployed the national guard to the Mexican border even though the report showed illegal border crossings are at the lowest level since 1971. It’s all part of Trump’s philosophy. “If it ain’t broke, I’ll break it.”[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Michael Che: So now, Trump is sending the national guard? Not even the army? This is such a Trump move. He promises a big beautiful wall and then the wall becomes a fence. And then the fence becomes the army. And then the army becomes the national guard. Pretty soon it’s just gonna be “Beware of dog” sign.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a tyre, blood pint and salt at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: The Trump administration has also published a list of Chinese exports that could be targeted for terrorist including salt, rubber and animal blood. Which are the exact ingredients in Monster energy drink.[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Twitter logo]
President Trump defended his trade policies on Twitter saying this about our trade deficit with China. [Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet] “When you’re already $500 billion down, you can’t lose!” [Cut to Colin Jost] What kind of degenerate gamble logic is that? It can always get worse, man. If your plane loses an engine after take off, the pilot doesn’t say, “We’re still flying to Hawaii anyway coz when you’re already one engine down, you can’t lose.”[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of US flag, Chinese flag and drt nuts at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Among the US products facing higher tariffs with dry nuts, something Trump administration is very familiar with. Experts say that Trump’s new tariffs will directly hurt US manufacturers. But why would Donald Trump care about what experts say? Experts also said that he couldn’t win the presidency. And that eating four bags of McDonald’s a day will kill you. But somehow there he is healthy as a fat horse. I don’t think we want to get in trade war with China though. If Canal street has taught me anything, it’s that there is nothing we have that the Chinese can’t just make themselves. I mean, that’s where i get all my Fucci from. [Picturec hanges to fake Gucci bag] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Amazon logo at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Fucci? this week shade queen Donald Trump also repeatedly attacked Amazon on twitter. If I were Amazon, I would just toll him right back. I’d just constantly send the White House copies of Fire and Fury and Stormy Daniels DVDs, or things Trump really hate like vegetables.[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin]
Kremlin officials are also saying that during a call last month, president Trump invited Vladimir Putin to come visit him at the White House. Worse, when Trump hung up, he accidentally said, “Love you. Bye.”[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Stormy Daniels and Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Stormy Daniels lawyer claimed that CBS edited out a clip of Daniels’ 60 minutes interview in which she described the president’s genitalia. Good. Thank you. I don’t want that image burned in my brain. Stormy is like that person who goes, “Oh, this is so gross. Taste it.” No! I believe you. Stop trying to tell us what Donald Trump’s penis is like. If I wanted to know what a 70 year old’s penis look like, I’d go down to the NBC gym.