Kam… J.K. Simmons
Ruth… Aidy Bryant
Help pin… Bobby Moynihan[Starts with an old couple in their house. Kam is using the laptop and Ruth is reading a book.]
Kam: Honey, I wanna write a letter to Phil.
Ruth: Well, then write the letter to Phil, Kam
Kam: What the heck do I click?
Ruth: Microsoft Word.
Kam: That means nothing to me.
Ruth: The big blue W.
Kam: Okay, I see it. Go back to your riveting book, Ruth. Okay, Dear Phil.[Cut to the laptop screen. MS Word is on and the help pin comes in dancing.]
Pushy: Looks like you’re writing a letter. Would you like some help with that?[Cut to Kam and Ruth]
Kam: Ruth, there is an annoying little cartoon man on my screen.
Ruth: Well, that’s just the Office assistant. You know, I remember it used to be a paper clip. But now, it’s a push pin. Just ignore it.[Cut to 3]
Pushy: My name’s pushy. If you need me, just click the push pin on your toolbar. Bye![3 leaves the screen dancing.] [Cut to Kam]
Kam: Okay, let’s see here. Happy birthday Phil.[Cut to the laptop screen. MS Word is on and the help pin comes in dancing.]
Pushy: I noticed you repeated Phil in two consecutive sentences. Did you mean to do that?[Cut to Kam]
Kam: Yes![Cut to 3]
Pushy: Her’s a hint. To avoid repeat proper nouns, try replacing your second Phil with a new word. Like, Philly Cheese, Goof Troop or Captain Martinez. He-he-he-he-he.[Cut to Kam]
Kam: How do I turn this guy off?[Cut to 3]
Pushy: I heard replace all Phil with Goof Troop. Kabaam! [the name “Phil” changes to Goof Troop in MS Word.] What else can I assist you with?[Cut to Kam]
Kam: No, oh, my gosh! Dear Goof Troop, Happy birthday Goof Troop. What does that even mean?[Cut to 3]
Pushy: Looks like this is a birthday letter. Try sprucing it up with a fun border like balloons, presents. You selected birthday cake man![MS Word has birthday cake man border now.] [Cut to Kam]
Kam: I did not select anything you nitwit.[Cut to 3]
Pushy: Your border is in place. What else can I assist you with?[Cut to Kam]
Kam: Ruth, this little red bastard is hijacking my letter.[Cut to 3]
Pushy: I see you font is set to Times New Roman. Try giving your letter a festive feel with a fun font like, Lucida Grande, Scribble Party, Helvetica Bonnam Carter. You select it just boxes![All the words in the MS Word turns into boxes.] [Cut to Kam and Ruth]
Kam: Just boxes? Ruth!
Ruth: Just let me finish this page.
Kam: What are you reading?
Ruth: Olivia Munn’s book.
Kam: Again?[Cut to 3]
Pushy: Your voice controls are on and I heard the phrase Olivia Munn. Would you like to replace your letter with a full screen picture of Olivia Munn? Okay, Kabaam![There is nothing but Olivia Munn’s picture in MS Word now.] [Cut to Kam and Ruth]
Kam: No, I just wanna write a letter to my college buddy. Ruth! Will ya’ put down the darn book an assist me?
Ruth: Okay. [Ruth puts down the book and comes closer to Kam] You’re so tense, Kam. I don’t know. Just click ‘help’.[Cut to 3]
Pushy: Looks like you need help. Type what you need in the search bar and Pushy will get right on it.[Cut to Kam and Ruth]
Kam: Disable Pushy.[Cut to 3]
Pushy: [disappointed] Oh, okay. So, it’s gonna be like that. Shoot! Um, sorry, I just wasn’t expecting this. Okay, um, just click on ‘tools’. Now, scroll down to ‘Pushy’. And in that sub-menu, there’s ‘Adjust Margins’, ‘Grammar and Spelling’ and if you click ‘Advance Options’ you’ll see ‘Murder Pushy’. So, click on that to end my life.[Cut to Kam and. Ruth is crying.]
Kam: Stay out of this, Ruth.[Cut to 3]
Pushy: Ay, real quick. Pushy would like to access iTunes. Kabaam![Pushy plays a sad music]
Oopsie! [A picture of little girl red pin appears on MS Word] I accidentally selected a picture of my daughter. That’s Nora. She’s gonna be a beautiful bride someday.
Okay, I’m ready to be murdered now. So, voice controls are on. And all you gotta do is very clearly say, “Murder Pushy.” Come on, do it.[Cut to Kam and Ruth. They are very emotional.]
What are you waiting for?
Kam: Murder– Darn it! I can’t do it.[Cut to 3]
Pushy: Ah! I knew you couldn’t do it, coz you are a super cool dude![3 starts dancing]