Melania Trump… Cecily Strong
Jackie Kennedy… Natalia Portman
Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon
Martha Washington… Aidy Bryant
Michelle Obama… Leslie Jones[Starts with Melissa calling Melania Trump in the White House during the night of the State of the Union]
Melissa: Excuse me, Mrs. Trump. The president’s motorcade is ready to take you to the State of the Union. Are you coming?
Melania Trump: Ah! Tell them I’ll take the next car. [Melissa leaves] Oh! How will I ever get through this State of Union? Oh, come on, Melania. Practice your happy face. [Melania Trump smiles] Oh! I don’t belong as first lady. [There is still Michelle Obama’s picture on the wall] I wish I could talk to someone who has been through this whole mess before.[smoke appears. Jackie Kennedy walks out of the smoke]
Jackie Kennedy: Hello, Melania. It’s me, Jackie Kennedy.
Melania Trump: Oh! Jackie O’s?
Jackie Kennedy: I’ve come to you in your hour of need because I know how very tiring being a first lady can be.
Melania Trump: Yes. Thank you, Jackie O’s. But tell me, how can I be good first lady when Donald make it so hard?
Jackie Kennedy: All first ladies have a platform. Your’s is bullying. Mine was little hats. Your approval ratings is through the rough.
Melania Trump: Yes. Yes. People like me because they’re like, “That lady look how I feel.”
Jackie Kennedy: You’re not the only first lady whose husband had affairs. Jack cheated on me with Marilyn Monroe.
Melania Trump: Oh, please! She was in “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.” Donald’s girl was in “Guys Like It Shaved.” Oh, Jackie O’s, no first lady has ever been more humiliated than me.[The bookshelf behind Melania Trump turns around. Smoke appears. Hillary Clinton comes out of the smoke.]
Hillary Clinton: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Hello.
Melania Trump: Hillary Clinton? Oh! The world knew all your secrets. How did you survive being first lady?
Hillary Clinton: Well, you just tell yourself it’ll all be worth it when you’re president. Ha-ha-ha.
Melania Trump: But you lost.
Hillary Clinton: I know. I was there. But you know, I see you’re wearing white to the State of the Union. Is that a subtle nod to the suffer jets or times up?
Melania Trump: No. It’s just co-inky-dink. [Melania Trump winks at the camera]
Hillary Clinton: Look, Melania, I feel your pain. But you married him. Like America, you had a choice. So, don’t choose to eat 7-Eleven sushi and then come to me saying, “Oh-oh! Something’s wrong.”[smoke appears outside of the window where Martha Washington is standing]
Martha Washington: Greetings first ladies. It is I, Martha Washington.
Jackie Kennedy: Martha? You materialized in the garden.
Martha Washington: Oh! Bees and bonnets. Give me one second.[Martha Washington breaks the window with an exe and comes in through.]
Okay. Girls, what’s shaking?
Melania Trump: Oh! Martha! I can’t do this tonight, you know? Maybe I don’t go to speech.
Martha Washington: Oh, Melania. You have to. Your job is to be your husband’s confidant.
Melania Trump: Ivanka does that.
Martha Washington: Okay. Well, to host foreign dignitaries.
Melania Trump: No, that’s Ivanka. Yeah.
Martha Washington: To be the beautiful woman on his arm.
Melania Trump: Yeah, that’s Ivanka’s territory.
Martha Washington: Okay. Well, fine. Maybe being first lady just means being with someone you don’t really like who doesn’t treat you very well.[Michelle Obama walks out of the photo]
Michelle Obama: Speak for yourself, Martha!
Melania Trump: Michelle Obama? I can’t believe. You come to give me advice?
Michelle Obama: Me neither. But look, Barack and I have a perfect relationship. It’s like “The Notebook”, but black and rich.
Hillary Clinton: That’s right Michelle, but it’s not helpful.
Michelle Obama: Whatever. My arms rule. I love vegetables and I can be president whenever I want.
Martha Washington: Well, we are all with you, Melania.
Jackie Kennedy: Now, get out there and do what first ladies have always done. Stand there and clap.
Melania Trump: Okay. But, sometimes I’m going to sit down and not clap.
All: Woo-hoo! Yes.
Melania Trump: Okay. I go. Goodnight, ghosts.[Melania Trump walks out]
Hillary Clinton: Alright, ladies. What now? Should we steal some stuff?
Michelle Obama: Definitely!
Martha Washington: Oh, yeah.[The End]