Weekend Update One Dimensional Female

Colin Jost

Heather… Cecily strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A 2014 study shows that despite the wealth of talented actresses in Hollywood, women still remain grossly unrepresented when it comes to major film roles. Here to give us her take, a one dimensional female character from a male driven comedy.

[Heather slides in] [cheers and applause]

Heather: Hi, Colin. I’m Heather, from work. You probably haven’t noticed me because I wear glasses. But later I might take them off and you might notice me.

Colin Jost: Oh, okay. Thanks for coming. Um..

Heather: You’re welcome Jost. And I’m calling you by your last name coz I’m fun and crazy and surprising and hot, and a girl. Confusing, right? Welcome to my world. I sleep in New Jersey.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, that’s good to know.

Heather: I’m just– I’m not one of those girls who just eats salads. I like burgers and wings and beer. I just have a body of a salad girl. Confusing, right?

Colin Jost: Okay. So, what are your thoughts on the lack of a well written female role in Hollywood?

Heather: Since when are you interested in my thoughts? All you care about is pulling stunts like the one back there at the big meeting. You completely screwed up my presentation. One day, you’re gonna have to grow up.

Colin Jost: I feel like you’re confusing me with someone else.

Heather: Hey, what are you doing here? Get out of here! I’m chancing. I was almost in my bra and panties. So, annoying because I actually started liking you.

[Heather looks downwards and starts crying]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, are you crying?

Heather: Nice try.

Colin Jost: Look, I’m really sorry. I have zero idea what’s going on right now. But I did not mean to hurt your feelings.

Heather: Wow, you really have changed.

Colin Jost: I have.

Heather: Yeah, it’s all over your face. You know, when we started this conversation, I didn’t believe in you. But what you did back there, that really took balls. And I’m not going to river with Dave. I’m staying right here with you at the record store.

Colin Jost: What record store?

Heather: My sassy black friend Tracy said you were funny. Bitch didn’t lie.

[romantic music playing. Heather removes her glasses.]

Colin Jost: Oh, hello. I didn’t notice you there.

Heather: Yeah, it’s me. Heather from work. Confusing, right?

Colin Jost: Extremely. a one dimensional female character from a male driven comedy, everyone!

[cheers and applause]