Raz P. Berry… Donald Glover
Ann Saunders.. Cecily Strong
Reginald Saunders… Kenan Thompson[Music video starts with man and a woman walking. Raz P. Berry is standing behind them and singing. The video looks like an old music video] [music playing]
Raz P. Berry: [singing] I watched you with him
Strolling in the night
You kissed him twice
Now nothing seems alright
Yes, I watched you with him
Hugging in the night
I love you girl
But the writing’s on the wall tonight
Raz P. Berry: Hey girl, how you doing? [Jade stands up] No, no, no! Don’t get up. I’m just gonna join you. Is that alright, Jade?
Raz P. Berry: [interrupting] You’re not expecting anybody, are you?
Raz P. Berry: [interrupting] You wouldn’t be playing me like that, would you? So I’m just gonna sit here, in this seat, and tell you a little secret. I followed you. Yup, I got in my big car, and followed you, and I saw everything, Jade. And I mean, so mad! I wanted to run you down, Rambo-style. But I chilled–
Raz P. Berry: [interrupting] Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, wait. I went back to our apartment, and cancelled all our credit cards. All your nice jewelry? Heh, I put it right up my ass
Woman: I’m so-
Raz P. Berry: [interrupting] Shh. Because you gotta learn about loyalty, baby girl. So now who’s laughing? Heh heh heh, not me. Because if I laugh too hard, that jewelry will fly right out my ass. And I don’t wanna give you the satisfaction. You wanna know what else. I was so mad at you, girl, I tried to cut my own damn thing off.
Raz P. Berry: [interrupting] Oh, wait. But I couldn’t do it, you wanna know why? ‘Cause I passed out just from holding the knife. But you wanna know what I did when I woke up? I remembered how much you love the smell of my hair, and how much you don’t like the smell of my pee. You know where I’m going with this, right?
Raz P. Berry: [interrupting] I poured my own pee in my own hair. How does that make you feel? Because tricks are for cereal, and this is the truth, or my name isn’t Raz P. Berry. What do you have to say to that?
Woman: I-I don’t know who you are.
Raz P. Berry: (laughs) Oh, is that so? Listen to this jackass bray.
Woman: No-no, yeah, I-I don’t mean to embarrass you, I just, what I think what is happening is that your sunglasses are very dark. And it’s, it’s very dark in here.
Raz P. Berry: Right.
Woman: And it’s dark and foggy out there.
Raz P. Berry: That’s also true.
Woman: Because, because I’m not the woman you think I am because I don’t know who you are. Does that make sense?
Raz P. Berry: Back up. So, you’re not my girlfriend Jade?
Woman: No, I’m Ann Saunders, this is my husband Reginald Saunders, M.D.[Her husband walks in]
Husband: Yes, hello. Who is this?
Woman: Um, this is Raz P. Berry. He’s a, he’s a singer.
Raz P. Berry: And a dancer.
Husband: Oh, it smells like pee around here.
Woman: Oh right. Yes, I remember the things he just sang at me. He um, he, he poured pee in his hair, and he tried to cut his penis off.
Raz P. Berry: And I put jewelry up my butt.
Husband: Why did you those things?
Raz P. Berry: To teach a woman a lesson
Husband: Yes, but how does that do that though?
Woman: Oh, oh, oh, and you were right, there was a car that almost hit us, because he wanted to run us over “Rambo-style”. I don’t know what that means.
Raz P. Berry: It’s Rambo-style because of the sunglasses.
Husband: Rambo didn’t wear sunglasses.
Raz P. Berry: Yeah, but he also didn’t put jewelry up his own ass. Look, I am sorry for the misunderstanding but I have to get home and clean up because I did a lot of horrible things in my apartment that I didn’t even get to in the song. And hey, man-to-man, keep an eye on your woman.
Husband: Oh, you know I do my brother.
Woman: Wha- honey! Come on, let’s get back to heavy drinking now that he’s gone.
Husband: Yeah, alright. Well no, he’s not gone, he’s dancing in the window.[music playing]
Raz P. Berry: I thought she was her, young girlfriend Jade
But it was the wife
Of doctor, Reginald, Saunders