Alexia… Cecily Strong
Bowen Yang
Sandrine… Keke Palmer
[Starts with show intro]
Male voice: You’re watching the soap channel. We now return to a classic 1984 episode of Forceington’s Ridge.
[Cut to the show. Alexia is hosting a party.]
Alexia: Everyone, I hope you’re all enjoying the champagne. It’s made right here at Forceington Vineyards. And if you’re lucky, I’ll give you the recipe.
Bowen: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh Alexia, your drugs like you’re brave hairdos always worth.
Alexia: Someone’s trying to butter me up before I judge the Polo horse race contest this afternoon.
Bowen: Oh, Alexia, I don’t need luck. My horse is huge. Really big.
Alexia: Is it now? But then I guess it’s my job as the judge to be the judge of that big horse. Now please, everyone make your way to the garden for some key napes. Am I saying that right?
Bowen: Lead the way my dear.
Alexia: No, I think I’ll hang back a moment. I need to adjust my breasts in this big mirror.
[All the guests walk to the garden while Alexia is looking at herself on the mirror.]
There, perfect.
[Sandrine stands behind Alexia]
Sandrine: Hello, Alexia.
Alexia: Well, well, well, Sandrine St. Cassettape. You waited for my mirror shot?
Sandrine: Well with your vanity and wandering breasts, I knew just where to find you.
Alexia: I didn’t realize you had an invite.
Sandrine: Maybe you forgot to send it like you didn’t forget not to felicitate my husband ever did.
Alexia: Well, you said that wrong, but I did do it and I’ll do it again today.
Sandrine: Better you than me darling. My mouth is exit only.
Alexia: What are you doing here in my home?
Sandrine: Oh? Your home? You didn’t hear? I found out about your secret floor culture and I thought I could use some place to go to the bathroom when I have guests over.
Alexia: You bitch.
Sandrine: Takes one to be one.
[Alexia slaps Sandrine]
You’re gonna regret that.
[Alexia and Sandrine starts fighting]
[Suddenly they start fighting like pro athletes. They’re wearing knee pads and safety gears.]
Sandrine: Is that all you got, darling?
Alexia: Let me show you how I really feel. You almost smeared my lipstick.
Sandrine: Yes. What is that shade calls anyway? Desperate hag?
Alexia: When I get over there, I’m gonna…
[They starting fighting like pros again]
[Alexia carries Sandrine on her shoulders]
Sandrine: Let me down.
Alexia: With pleasure. [Throws Sandrine on the table and breaks it] Right over there.
Sandrine: Oh, that almost hurt.
Alexia: How’d you like it when your face hit my table?
Sandrine: It’s my my table now, remember? So I loved it as much as you’re going to love the taste of my fist.
[They starting fighting like pros again]
[Bowen walks in]
Bowen: Alexia, Sandrine, oh my god. I certainly hope this violence that about who’s feliciating me? By the way, tick tock.
Sandrine: No, darling. This is about something much, much bigger.
Bowen: Okay, I feel like that’s a dig at me. You two have been friends for 50 years.
Alexia: No. 15. 15.
Bowen: Yeah, sure.
Sandrine: But he’s right. You know, this is no way for two friends to behave.
Alexia: Friends? We’re not friends.
Sandrine: Business partners then?
Alexia: Business partners?
Sandrine: With my financial acumen and your champagne recipe, we’ll be unstoppable.
Alexia: Well that might be the best idea I’ve heard all day. Shall we talk through the details over lunch?
Sandrine: Yes, lunch.
[they walk to the garden]
Oh, Blaige, Storm, are you coming?
[Blaige and Storm are the two women who are dressed like Alexia and Sandrine and were fighting like professionals]
Female voice: To Forceington Cassettape’s vineyard.