Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Michael Che: Hey, everybody.
Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Well, on Friday, half of America had to go out and buy a new TV. [picture changes to a broken TV] Donald Trump was sworn in as the 45th president of the United States. Many have noted that the crowd at the inauguration was smaller than usual but you can’t expect people to stand outside in the cold rain, knowing they’re about to lose their healthcare. My favorite part was watching the reaction to Trump’s speech like this one. [Picture of Michelle Obama looking unimpressed] You know, they say a picture says a thousand words. This picture of Michelle Obama only says one. “Mm!”[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of inaugural concert at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: On Thursday, an inaugural concert featuring Three Doors Down, Lee Greenwood and Toby Keith was held in front of the Lincoln Memorial. It was the second worst live performance Lincoln has ever attended.[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]
Donald Trump was sworn in as president using two bibles. Abraham Lincoln’s bible from 1860 and Trump’s personal bible still in it’s original wrapping.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Trump described Washington as a small group of elitists who prospered at the expense of the American people. But I”m sure that’s going to change now that his cabinet of bankers and oil tycoons are in charge. [Picture changes to Michelle Obama] “Mm!”[Picture changes to people on protest]
There were massive protests during the inauguration and some of them even became violent like when [picture changes to Richard Spencer] famous white nationalist and all around fun guy Richard Spencer got socked in the face just for living. Look at this.[Cut to video clip of Richard Spencer]
Richard Spencer: It’s a Pepe’s become a kind of a symbol– [Richard gets sucker punched by a protestor] [Cut to Michael Che.]
Michael Che: Oh, man, that just makes me so sad. [laughing] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sean Spicer]
Colin Jost: Just hours ago, Sean Spicer made his first appearance as White House press secretary. He seemed a little defensive about how many people came to watch Trump’s inauguration.[Cut to Sean Spicer speaking in inauguration]
Sean Spicer: This is the largest audience to ever witness an inauguration, period.[Cut to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Here’s how we know he’s lying. In addition to photographic evidence. I don’t trust anyone who ends a sentence with a word ‘period’. Imagine if someone said, “Look, I’m a doctor. Period.” I’ll be like, “I don’t think this van is a real hospital.”[Picture changes to Barack Obama]
Outgoing president Barack Obama gave his final press conference on Wednesday. He told the American people, “I think we are going to be okay,” which sounds comforting but remember, “It’s gonna be okay” is also what George tells Lenny at the end of “Of Mice and Men”.
In total during his two terms in office, president Obama commuted the prison sentences of record, one385 future democrats.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of women’s march at right top corner]
Michael Che: The women’s march in Washington was held today. It is estimated that the turnout was twice as big as the inauguration. But you know, size doesn’t matter. Am I right, ladies? No? I’m not right? It’s the number one thing? Oh! Okay. It was an amazing show of support for feminism. But some feminist groups were actually asked not to march because of pro life views. Which raises the question, what makes feminist a feminist? It’s confusing. It’s confusing. My mother raised seven kids by herself. She’s the strongest woman I know. I asked her if she was a feminist and she said, “Boy, god made Adam and Eve.” And I was like, that’s not what that means. A feminist is really just someone who believes in equal rights for women. And that’s easy to get behind… that is until you see a feminist screaming into a cop’s face wearing a home made uterus hat and you’re like, “Oh, there are levels to this.” I just think it’s weird to get a special name for just being a reasonable person. That’s all it is. Believing in equality just means you’re not a dick. And for me, that’s enough. I support women’s rights for the same reason I won’t let my cousin rob Colin. It’s because I’m not a dick.