Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]
Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
President Trump was acquitted in a senate trial this week and democrats are calling it a cover up. [Picture changes to Donald Trump having tan line on his face.] But does this look like a guy who can pull off a cover up? Oh, my god! It’s like the day at the nursing home when they let the residents put their own make up on?
[Picture chances to Donald Trump holding a newspaper]
President trump then spoke at the National Prayer Breakfast and held up a copy of a headline about his acquittal, I assume to prove the payers don’t work. [Picture changes to Donald Trump and Mitt Romney] Then he went and attacked Mitt Romney, a devoured mormon who voted to convict him. Trump said, “I don’t I don’t like people who use their faith as a justification for doing what they know is wrong.” At which point, even the leaders of National Prayer Breakfast were like, “Jesus Christ, dude!”
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump holding a newspaper at right top corner.]
Michael Che: The day after the senate vote, president Trump gave a speech at the White House which he called the celebration. Let’s take a look.
[Cut to video clip of OJ Simpson’s reaction when the judge said he was not guilty.]
[Cut back to Michael Che]
Oh! That’s a wrong clip. Here’s the actual one.
[Cut to President trumps speech]
Donald Trump: Adam Schiff is a vicious horrible person. Nancy Pelosi is a horrible person. It was all bull [bleep]. When I fired that sleighs back, all hail broke out. “Well you tell me what did you say.” Boom, boom, boom. I wish you were here.
[Cut back to Michael Che]
Michael Che: At least he’s happy. The audience for Trump’s speech consisted of his legal team and republican law makers because I guess that circle ain’t gonna jerk itself!
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Rush Limbaugh at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: During a State of Union address, Trump gave a medal to Rush Limbaugh and celebrated the creating of space force. A moment that was predicted by MadLibs dated to 1992.
[Picture changes to Donald Trump on a podium]
Trump also railed against public schools calling them failing government schools. Okay, but you went to private school and you don’t even know where Kansas city is. Coz after the Chiefs won the Super Bowl, Trump mistakenly tweeted, “Congratulations to the state of Kansas”, despite the fact that the Chiefs are from Kansas city, Missouri. Incidentally, Kansas also has the only Manhattan where Trump is still welcome.
[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Rush Limbaugh at right top corner.]
Michael Che: During the State of the Union, president Trump in a touching moment awarded Rush Limbaugh the presidential medal of freedom. And then immediately after the speech in a more touching moment, Rush traded the medal for a bottle of Oxy. Now, look, say what you want about Rush Limbaugh…
[Michael Che is looking away.]
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at a podium at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Oh, that was it. During the State of Union, Trump also attacked California for refusing to cooperate with ICE agents saying this.
[Cut to Donald Trump giving speech]
Donald Trump: The state of California passed an outrageous law declaring their whole state to be a skank-tuary for criminal, illegal immigrants.
[Cut back to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: I’m sorry, a skank-tuary? Sounds like someone’s been listening to their old outcast albums. By the way, Mr. President, I’m just curious, what country are those skank-tuary cities in?
[Cut to Donald Trump giving speech]
Donald Trump: United States.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map of Iowa at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: My god! It’s like Sean Connery. The results for the Iowa caucus were delayed after officials found inconsistencies due to a problem with a new voting app. So, I guess it’s no surprise that Iowa’s voters chose the candidate who looks like [Picture changes to Pete Buttigieg] the grandson that fixes your computer. This problematic voting app was developed by a company called Shadow Inc. Remember in 2016 primaries where the democrat’s main problem was transparency? And then this time they hired a company called Shadow Inc. That’s like losing half of your money in wire fraud and then putting everything you have left into something called Nigerian Prince National Bank.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Alexander Vindman at right top corner.]
Michael Che: On Friday, Lieutenant colonel Vindman who testified during president Trump’s impeachment trial was escorted from the White House and fired. Now, you might recall that Vindman received a purple heart due to a wound in combat while Trump has a purple heart because his blood type is hamburger grease.