Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
This week, president Trump held more coronavirus giveaways across the country as part of his ‘Herd Immunity Tour’. He started in Florida and showed off how healthy his brain is saying this.[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]
Donald Trump: They say I’m immune. I feel so powerful.[Cut back to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Yeah. Nothing says “I’m off steroids” like screaming “I feel so powerful.” Like sloth from ‘The Goonies’. Then at a rally in Pennsylvania, he told the mostly maskless crowd that they would all beat the coronavirus together. Said the crowd, “Yeah, but you don’t have it anymore, right?” Then at a rally in Georgia, a congressman literally crowd-surfed on the second wave of corona and yet, somehow, Trump seems to think that he could lose this election. Listen to this.[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]
Donald Trump: Could you imagine if I lose? My whole life. What am I going to do? I’m going to say I lost to the worst candidate in the history of politics. I’m not going to feel so good. Maybe I’ll have to leave the country. I don’t know.[Cut back to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Hey, don’t make promises you don’t intend to keep. Besides, I should point out, no other country would accept you because you come from America which has way too many COVID cases. Though, I have to say, would be very satisfying if this all ends with Donald Trump becoming an illegal immigrant. And to whatever country gets Trump, I just want to apologize because we’re not sending our best or a breast.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Town Hall interview of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Michael Che: NBC held a Town Hall even with President Trump because, what can I say? We have a type. Who are these Town Halls even for? I mean, who’s still on fence about this election? Whether you’re voting for Trump or Biden, you’ve made up your mind a long time ago and you’re probably not thrilled about it. These choices are so bad that Kanye is running and people are like, “Maybe?” That wouldn’t happen if we had actual good candidates. I mean, Imagine if Kennedy lost to Nixon because Wisconsin went to little Richard. Alright, whatever.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Steve Sculley at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: C-SPAN suspended host Steve Sculley after he admitted to false claiming that his Twitter account was hacked. Wow, just more juicy drama from those messy bitches at C-SPAN.[Picture changes to a news article that says ‘Giuliani manipulated by Russian intelligence’.]
According to Insiders, US intelligence agency warned the White House last year that Rudy Giuliani was the target of the influence operation by Russian Intelligence. I’m actually more worried about Russian Intelligence if their plan was to rely on the American Mr. Bean. Counting on Rudy to carry out your secret mission is like handing your grocery list to your dog. It was also revealed that after President Trump was warned that Rudy was being fed misinformation by the Russians, Trump just shrugged the shoulders and said, “That’s Rudy!”[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Michael Che: This week President Trump also refused to condemn the conspiracy group QANON saying, “I know nothing about QANON”, which come on, how can you not know about QANON? You’re on Twitter all day. That means like if I’d say I know nothing about Lexington Steel. He has probably just never heard the word QANON out loud before. I bet when he got home, he was like, “Oh, you meant Canyon? I love those dudes!”