Elizabeth Warren … Kate McKinnon
Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Colin Jost on his set]
Colin Jost: Senator Elizabeth Warren has raised over $24 million in the past three months. Here to comment is senator Elizabeth Warren.
[Elizabeth Warren slides in]
[Cheers and applause]
[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost]
Elizabeth Warren: Hello Colin.
Colin Jost: Hi, senator. Firm handshake. So you raised all of this money without any corporate donations, is that right? That’s right. That’s grass roots. And guess what, mama loves to garden. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] That’s why everyday I spend for hours taking selfies with every Warby Parker customers in America. And then I unwind by calling all my small donors to personally thank them.
[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Oh, right, yes. I assume you do that on Instagram.
Elizabeth Warren: Yes, I’m calling people like Janet in St. Louis [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] who sent me a $2 check and a bogo coupon from Duane Reade. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost] Mind if I give her a call now?
Colin Jost: It’s not the best time.
Elizabeth Warren: Right, right. Janet, hi, it’s Elizabeth Warren. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] I wanted to thank you– Oh, it’s bad time? For the middle class? Okay, bye. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost] That’s Janet. Oh, do you mind if I do a thousand more?
Colin Jost: A thousand? No, we don’t have time for a thousand, I’m sorry. I just wanted to know, that there’s been some big money donors for democrats who said they would rather vote for Trump than you.
[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]
Elizabeth Warren: You’re kidding me. What? The billionaires don’t like me? Oh, no! Look, I’m going to tell them the same thing my grandson told me when he took me to ‘Avengers infinity war’. This ain’t for you. That’s why you don’t like it. But then again, taking big checks from wall street worked great for the last lady running for president. Let me just skip Wisconsin and change my name to email Benghazi while I’m at it.
[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Who’s up there?
Elizabeth Warren: My friend.
Colin Jost: You’ve also been in the news because a fringe conspiracy theorist accused of you having a bdsm relationship with a 24 year old Marine.
[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]
Elizabeth Warren: That’s Elizabeth Warren’s vibes for sure. Transactional sex with a younger man. Look, rumors have power when they feel true. What has ever felt less true than a single part of that? If you think I’m in a room with a veteran and I don’t immediately thank him for his service and make sure he’s getting his VA benefits, you’re insane. Also, 24? Any man younger than me by one day is my grandson. But part of that is true. I am into bdsm. Bank-destroying and saving medicare. Woo! So okay, I want to say thank you to all of my donors like Beth in Orlando who sent me this hastily needle pointed pillow that says, “Nevertheless she persists” or Linda in Des Moines who sent me this scary doll of myself. Finally, I’m going to call a young gentleman named Michael in New York.
[phone ringing]
[Cut to Michael Che]
Michael Che: Hello?
[Cut to Elizabeth Warren, Colin Jost and Michael Che]
Elizabeth Warren: Mike, it’s Elizabeth Warren. Thanks for the ten g’s.
Michael Che: No problem.
Colin Jost: Wait, you donated ten grand to Elizabeth Warren?
[Cut to Michael Che]
Michael Che: Yes, I like that she had sex with that marine.
[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Elizabeth Warren everyone.