Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Michael Che: Hey, everybody.
Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Well, this Saturday morning while his nurse was at temple, grandpa shuffled out of his room and got into his twitter again. Without offering any evidence in the series of tweets, Donald Trump accused former president Obama of wiretapping Trump Tower during election? He even tweeted [Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet] “Is it legal for a sitting president to be ‘wire tapping’ a race for president prior to an election? Turned down by court earlier. A NEW LOW!” [Cut to Michael Che] Dude, you’re the president of the United States and you are seeking legal advice on twitter? That’s like your doctor tweet out, “Hey, does this look infected?” But this is a very serious allegation for a sitting president to make about his predecessor. And you know that it’s very serous because his very next tweet was [Cut to Donald Trump’s another tweet] “Arnold Schwarzeneggar isn’t voluntarily leaving the Apprentice, he was fired by his bad (pathetic) ratings, not by me. Sad end to great show.” [Cut to Michael Che] This guy’s train of thought is just baffling. He’s like a crazy dude on the Subway yelling, “They’re tapping my phone! Schwarzeneggar sucks. I can lick my own elbow.” Donald, just forget about ‘The Apprentice’ already. You’re the president now. You are the executive producer of the free world. It is a much more important show. And your ratings are dead last.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: I do however give Trump some credit though. Earlier this week, he was able to speak like a human president for over an hour. In fact, 78% of Americans had a positive reaction on Trump’s speech. But that’s just because the bar was set at ‘read words good’. It is not an encouraging sign we are holding the president of the United States to the same standard as any Bar Mitzvah Boy. President Trump’s speech was met with silence from the democratic party and with cheers from the sausage party.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a group of females wearing white dresses at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Female democrats wore all white outfits to show their support for the women’s suffrage movement. Either that or they were about to go to a party at P-Diddy’s house. [Picture changes to P-Diddy’s music video where everyone’s wearing full white clothes.] [Picture changes to Donald Trump]
President Trump appeared optimistic saying, “Everything that is broken in our country can be fixed.” Which is hard to believe coming from a guy who spent the better part of his life as a slumlord. Whenever a bad landlord says they’re going to fix something, you know they’re just gonna send some Russian dude to do it.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s speech at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: A large part of Donald Trump’s speech on Tuesday involved immigration reform which Trump arguing that we should switch between merit basis system. And its true. Unskilled immigrants coming to the US cost taxpayers money. But the second generation of immigrants adds huge value to our economy. And by the third generation, they’re president. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] [Picture changes to Statue of Liberty]
A merit based system is contrary to the whole idea of America. My Irish ancestors certainly didn’t come here because they were the best and the brightest. They came here because god took their potatoes away. And now, after decades of hard work, they have literally dozens of potatoes. That’s progress. Back to you, Michael.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of soldiers at right top corner.]
Michael Che: At least they had a choice. President Trump said that his budget will help enlarge what he calls a depleted military. Depleted military? In relation to what, the death star? I think our military has body dysmorphia. We’re like that roided out guy at the gym slamming plates around still working on our traps. And it’s like, “Yeah, dude, we get it. You’re strong. Maybe focus on education now.”[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Steve Bashear at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Former Kentucky governor Steve Bashear then gave the democratic response to president Trump’s speech, from what appeared to be a public school cafeteria where the lights were running on a backup generator. This didn’t exactly inspire confidence if you’re a democrat. It looks like he was trying to sell my grandparents Colonial Penn life insurance. But hey, you know, what he looks like doesn’t matter. As long as he has a clear message.[Cut to Steve Bashear’s video]
Steve Bashear: I’m a proud democrat. But first and foremost, I’m a proud republican, and democrat, and mostly American.[Michael Che laughing] [Cut to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Wow, congratulations, democrats… and republicans… but mostly Americans. Democrats have to stop forcing new leaders on us and just let us find someone who voters respond to naturally. Passionately. And then work very har to make sure he doesn’t get the nomination. [Picture changes to Bernie Sanders] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kellyanne Conway in White House with her legs kneeling on a sofa at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Kelly Conway was widely criticized this week after being photographed kneeling on a couch in the oval office. And sure, it does kind of look like she is searching for a Florida playlist to make her black friends dance, but I am not going to make fun of her. I actually feel bad for Kellyanne Conway, because he job sucks. You know, like when an Airline loses your luggage and you can’t talk to CEO, so you just end up screaming at some frazzled lady that’s now gotta spend her lunch break crying into a lean cuisine? Well, that lady is Kellyanne Conway. That’s her day. We all have rough jobs. But could you imagine being customer service for Donald Trump? I mean, look at her. Does she look like she’s in control? She looks like she should be on an informercial yelling, “But there has got to be a better way!”[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jeff Sessions at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: This week it was also revealed that Attorney General Jeff Sessions met with the ambassador to Russia during the campaign, even though he denied such a meeting during his confirmation hearing. Now, saying no to a question when the answer is yes, might seem like a black and white issue. But remember, black and white issues are what Jeff Sessions is worst at. The only silver lining is that now when you google ‘Jeff Sessions’, ‘Jeff Sessions Russia’ comes up before ‘Jeff Sessions racist’. So that’s an improvement.[Picture changes to Mike Pence]
According to reports, while Mike Pence was governor of Indiana, he used a personal AOL e-mail account to discuss sensitive matters, including Homeland Security. Pence said he originally chose AOL because hotmail was forbidden by his church.[Michael Che laughing] [Cheers and applause]
Took you a little while.