Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 26: Episode 12
Hardball
Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond
Denise Rich…..Ana Gasteyer
Paul Begala…..Chris Kattan
Arlen Specter…..Chris Parnell
Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball”. I’m Chris Matthews. A nuclear submarine slices through a Japanese fishing boat like cream corn trough a goose. Bush orders allied planes to give Baghdad a beat-down. I’m gonna tell you what, no one gives a flying frig! ‘Cause when you get right down to it, the Clinton scandal machine keeps running along, next stop, Harlem, and it wouldn’t matter if Bush did a line of coke along the Loch Ness monster’s ass! We’d all still be talking about what Clinton thought of “The Wedding Planner”. Morons, you’re all morons! With me today, the current belle of the post-Clinton epoch, Denise Rich.
Denise Rich: Hello, Chris.
Chris Matthews: Also joining us from Washington, former Clinton advisor Paul Begala.
Paul Begala: Thanks for having me…
Chris Matthews: Zip it, Begala! It’s not Equal Time, it’s Hardball! Miss Rich, we’re gonna start with you. Did you and your husband, Marc Rich, pay off the Clintons in exchange for a presidential pardon or what?
Denise Rich: Chris, as I have stated, I invoke my Fifth Amendment rights concerning all questions on this matter.
Chris Matthews: Come on, lady! Fifth Amendment? That’s just rich people talk for “I’m guilty”. It’s not gonna fool anyone here at “Hardball”.
Denise Rich: Chris, the only things we have given to the Clintons are love and support, a saxophone, and millions of dollars. Is that a big deal?
Chris Matthews: Paul Begala, what about it? Denise Rich insists she didn’t break the rules, but more importantly, shouldn’t someone who wears that much makeup be a better liar?
Paul Begala: Absolutely, Chris. There’s no story here.
Chris Matthews: Yeah.
Paul Begala: The Bush administration…
Chris Matthews: Yeah.
Paul Begala: …is simply substituting an…
Chris Matthews: Yeah.
Paul Begala: ..anti-Clinton witch hunt…
Chris Matthews: Yeah.
Paul Begala: …for their actual agenda.
Chris Matthews: Blah, blah, blah, you’re done! You’re boring and you look like a fetus! Joining us now from Pennsylvania is Senator Arlen Specter. Senator, you recently suggested impeaching President Clinton; isn’t that a little extreme?
Arlen Specter: I didn’t say we should impeach Mr. Clinton. The Constitution gives us a number of options: We could impeach him, he could be censored – uh, censured, or according to Article Three, we could also tie his hands behind his back and have Roger Clemens fire a fastball at his face.
Chris Matthews: Paul Begala, what about it, should the U.S. government hire major leaguers to whip baseballs at the ex-president? And please, phrase your answer in the form of a shout.
Paul Begala: President Clinton has done nothing wrong, and I fail to see why…
Chris Matthews: (makes snoring noises) Specter, wake up! Shouldn’t Clinton’s punishment fit his crime?
Arlen Specter: Uh, again, at this point, I merely want to our investigate legal options. For instancee, under the Articles of Confederation, we may have the authority to take President Clinton to a deserted island and hunt him for sport. If he survives, he’s acquitted. If we bag him, we get to cook him in a large pot and eat him. Now. I’m not saying we’re going to do this. I’m just saying, Strom Thurmond has an island.
Chris Matthews: Denise Rich, the next question’s for you: exactly how much money does it cost to look that cheap?
Denise Rich: Once again, I invoke my Fifth Amendment rights.
Chris Matthews: Paul Begala, you chesire cat-faced cretin, should Clinton be hunted like a dog on Strom Thurmond’s island or what?
Paul Begala: Chris, you really don’t expect me to answer that.
Chris Matthews: You’re a virgin, aren’t you, Begala? Come on.
Paul Begala: That’s really none of your business.
Arlen Specter: Can I say something here, Chris? Scottish common law says that we have the option to shrink President Clinton to the size of a field mouse and then force him to fight spiders for our amusement. Are we going to do this? Probably. All I’m saying, Strom Thurmond has a shrinking ray.
Chris Matthews: Ho-ho! Now we’re playing some freakin’ Hardball! I wanna thank my guests. Denise Rich, anything left to say?
Denise Rich: I must invoke my Fifth Amendment…
Chris Matthews: Boo! Senator Specter, good luck eating the President.
Arlen Specter: Or shrinking him, Chris.
Chris Matthews: Okay, right. Paul Begala, once again, I tore you a new one. Let’s check the scoreboard: Matthews 17, Begala 2! Stick around, I’m going outside to shout at cars! You’re watching “Hardball”!
Submitted by: Mike S.
