01a: Reese Witherspoon / Alicia Keys
The Little Mermaid
Little Mermaid.....Reese Witherspoon
Announcer: We now return to the classic story of "The Little Mermaid".
[ open on Sailor coming to in the sand on a deserted island ]
Sailor: Oh.. the shipwreck.. I survived.. but how? [ sees Little Mermaid sitting on a rock ] You! You're the beautiful creature that saved my life!
Little Mermaid: I've been watching your ship from afar.
Sailor: I've never seen anyone so beautiful.
Little Mermaid: Nor have I.
[ singing ]
"I thought I had seen all the wonders of the sea."
Sailor: "I thought I had known all the beauty of the shore."
Little Mermaid: "But here at last, where our two worlds meet."
Together: "I finally felt my true heart soar!"
Little Mermaid: "I feel brand new!"
Sailor: "I feel so free!"
Little Mermaid: "I feel an increased flow of mucus in my fish genitalia!"
Sailor: "I feel like I never.." [ stops abruptly ] ..whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What was that?
Little Mermaid: I said, I feel an increased flow of mucus in my fish genitalia.
Sailor: I'm not following.
Little Mermaid: Well, you see, when I feel this way about somebody so special, I release extra slime to lubricate the scaly membrane that closes off my egg sac.
"So now my heart feels.."
Sailor: No, no, no, no! Wait, wait, wait, wait! Hang on a second! You mean to tell me that, down there, you've got fish business going on?
Little Mermaid: What'd you expect, silly?
Sailor: [ grossed out ] But, wait.. when you get up on land, you grow legs, right?
Little Mermaid: Of course, I do!
Sailor: Oh.. thank God!
Little Mermaid: Yes, the legs are human, but believe you me, the hoohah's all mackeral!
Sailor: [ thinking ] Okay. Really nice meeting you. [ gets up to leave ]
Little Mermaid: Oh, I get it! You think I'm ugly because we're different.
Sailor: No, it's not like that.. it's just that..
Little Mermaid: Well, we may be different on the outside; but inside, I think you'll find we share the same heart.
Sailor: [ thinking ] Maybe you're right.
Little Mermaid: "Below the waves, our hearts will know the differences outside."
Sailor: It's true!
Little Mermaid: "I love all creatures equally, wherever they reside."
Sailor: That's lovely!
Little Mermaid: "I get it on with tuna
I've gone down on a shark!
I've got films of me with a manatee..!"
Sailor: Alright, alright! That's enough! That's enough!
Little Mermaid: What's wrong?
Sailor: You have sex with fish?!
Little Mermaid: Fish, shrimp, turtles.. I'll pretty much bend over for anything with fins.
Sailor: Okay, I don't think it's gonna work out between us. In fact, I think it's physically impossible.
Little Mermaid: Oh, it's possible, alright! It is. Where do you think I came from?
Sailor: Well.. wasn't your father a Merman, and..?
Little Mermaid: What?! Oh, no way! My father's just some dude who got drunk one night and broke into an aquarium to get freaky with a halibut.
Dad: [ walks across the sand clutching a fish in his arms ] He-ey-ey! There you are, darling! I was thinking of getting some ribs with your ma here!
Sailor: [ appalled ]You had sex with that fish?
Dad: Oh, yeah.. I've had sex with a lot of stuff!
Sailor: Where am I?!
Dad: "Oh, I've had sex with a lot of stuff
from a can of soup to a dirty old mutt.
But this old dirt-bag got his wish
When he found a fish filled with dirt-bag fish!"
Sailor: Okay, that's it, I'm out of here..
Dad: "Deep down below the waves."
Fish Chorus: "Deep down below the waves."
Dad: "Down in the deep."
Fish Chorus: "Down in the deep."
Dad: "It's no crime to hump a fish
On Interspecies Beach!
On Interspecies Beach!
On Interspecies Beach!"
Announcer: "The Litte Mermaid" will not return, due to pending legal action.