SNL Transcripts: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: 11/22/97: Colin Quinn Explains The New York Times

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 7

97g: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani / Sarah McLachlan

Colin Quinn Explains The New York Times

… Colin Quinn

[Funky bass theme. SUPER: Colin Quinn Explains TheNew York Times. Casually-dressed Colin sits on theedge of a desk in an office set.]

Don Pardo V/O: And now, Colin Quinn explainsthe New York Times.

[Music pots down and lights come up to reveal Colinbrandishing a copy of the influentialnewspaper-of-record for the power elite.]

Colin Quinn: The New York Times. We allwant to be the people who read it but we don’t. Exceptme. I read it so you can watch “Veronica’s Closet.”… Now, before I begin, I should point out theTimes has been redesigned and colorized. TheTimes shouldn’t be colorized. It looks toodesperate. It’s like tryin’ to compete with thelittle punk newspapers. It’s like your favoritemiddle-aged uncle who starts shopping at Structure andlistening to Radiohead. … It’s creepy.

[picks up another copy, points to a front page story]This story, by the way, is about Iraq. Now, we alltend to demonize the Iraqis in this situation. Butlook at it from the point of view of some Iraqi who’slivin’ there. You grow up in Iraq, you can’t smoke,drink, have sex. Then, one day they tell you you’re ahuman shield. … All right? You’re supposed to stopbombs with your face. … In other words, they buildbombs to protect the people, then use the people toprotect the bombs. … You know, they must be sittin’there, like, “Hey, I have an idea. Why don’t you giveus tire irons and shoot us out of cannons, y’know?…

[picks up another copy, folded to an inside page] Herein the national news this Tuesday, the Republicanstried to block Clinton’s appointee – appointee asambassador to Luxembourg ’cause he’s gay. Now, this issad. First of all, why pick on the guy, right? He’sthe ambassador of Luxembourg — you know? … Youthink they didn’t know that when they suggested him?You know, they’re in the room, like, “Hey, listen, wegot this gay ambassador. What do you want to do withhim?” “Ah, put him into Luxembourg. They’re not gonnado anything about it, y’know?” … It’s no big deal tohave a gay ambassador anyway. Don’t the English alwayshave those effete, alcoholic ambassadors down there inthe West Indies? Y’know, you got the guy in the whitesuit who drinks mint juleps and tells Joe Ortonstories. … [crosses legs, pretends to smoke acigarette] He just sits there going, [affected Britishaccent] “Oh, this wretched island! This wretched,wretched little island!” .. Y’know? …

By the way, this gay ambassador is the heir to theHormel meatpacking dynasty. Now, I know you’rethinking, “Oh, don’t go for a cheap gay meatpackerjoke.” … Let me tell ya somethin’. Let me tell yasomethin’. Even his gay friends make that joke, okay?… It’s right there. You can’t help it. To avoid itwould be more condescending than makin’ it. … Now… [applause] Thank you.

[picks up another copy, folded to an inside page] Nowon Thursday in the business section, we have thisstory: “Newcourt Credit of Canada agreed to acquireAT&T Capital, a spinoff controlled by a unit of NomuraSecurities of Japan for one point six billion,creating one of the biggest non-bank lenders.” Now, Idon’t know what that means, you don’t know what thatmeans. You say, “Who cares?” … Right? And then youwake up one morning and a can of soup is eight bucks,all right? … Then you care. …

So, you need to read the Times because ofthings like that. You know the difference. You see theguy on the train, he’s got the Times, he’swearin’ a London Fog, he’s got on a six hundred dollarwatch, the headline says “Senate Subcommittee meetsHouse Judiciary” — meanwhile, you’re standing next tohim in a Hard Rock Cafe bomber jacket … you’rereading the Post, you’re lookin’ at a pictureof a naked woman makin’ out with a robot, right? …So, you can keep not readin’ the Times but thenyou have only yourself to blame when you get into oneof those political arguments with your friends – aboutthe American reacquisition of the F-1 bombers. They’reall spouting facts – and the only thing you can thinkof is one of Val Kilmer’s speeches from TopGun. …

I’m Colin Quinn, good night, thank you. Thankah!

[Cheers and applause, music, graphic, pull back,lights dim, fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

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