01o: Ian McKellen / Kylie Minogue

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

.....Tina Fey
.....Jimmy Fallon
Dame Maggie Smith.....Ian McKellen
Paula Jones.....Rachel Dratch
Tonya Harding.....Amy Poehler
Louie Anderson.....Jeff Richards



Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is "Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey."

Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey.

Yesterday in Yemen, a man threw a hand grenade at the U.S. Embassy, where Vice-President Dick Cheney visited the day before. But it's going to take more than that to scare a man who cheats death every time his heart beats.

The Justice Department announced plans this week for a new color-coded terrorism alert system, with green for the most relaxed, and red as the most serious warning. However, if the scale goes above orange, I will make brown.

Strom Thurmond was visibly enthusiastic about the plan, saying, " A color alert system? Why, I've been waiting for one of them for years!"

The Bush administration is considering lifting the embargo against Libyan oil. This is thanks to the cooperation of leader Momar Khaddaffi, who has been giving the U.S. information on terrorists in exchange for a curl activator.

Variety has reported that Jerry Seinfeld has signed a new three-year multi-millionaire dollar deal to a the spokesman American Express. In another big credit card deal, Michael Richards has signed a three-year deal with Visa to pay off his bill.

Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton have adopted a baby boy from Cambodia. No word yet on what they plan to use the boy for.

Jimmy Fallon: Well, the Oscar race is heating up, and here to offer her predictions, is Oscar nominee, Dame Maggie Smith, everybody.

Dame Maggie Smith: Well, thank you, Jimmy, aren't you a darling. Look at your little suit - just like a little school boy, mmm!

Jimmy Fallon: [ laughing ] So.. Dame Maggie..!

Dame Maggie Smith: Call me Mags.

Jimmy Fallon: Okay, Mags. Uh.. let's talk about the Oscars.

Dame Maggie Smith: Mmm. Yes, let's.

Jimmy Fallon: Who do you think is gonna win for Best Actor?

Dame Maggie Smith: Well, the winner will be Denzel Washington. And, Denzel, if you have any interest in getting it on with an experienced dame of experience, give me a call.

Jimmy Fallon: Okay, alright. What about Best Actress.

Dame Maggie Smith: Judi Dench. Little Judi Dench. Such a clever, little Judi Dench. Little, clever, chubby Judi Dench.

Jimmy Fallon: Alright. Let's see, uh.. Best Supporting Actress, who's that?

Dame Maggie Smith: Uh, me - whether I win it or not.

Jimmy Fallon: Okay, understood. Uh.. Best Supporting Actor?

Dame Maggie Smith: Oh, without a doubt, Ian McKellen. Saint Ian! They've got to throw that old queen a bone sometime.

Jimmy Fallon: [ confused ] Is he gay? I didn't even.. know that.. uh..

Dame Maggie Smith: You're not gay, Jimmy, are you?

Jimmy Fallon: Oh, no.. but I.. uh.. Best Picture?

Dame Maggie Smith: Oh, who cares? By that time, I'll be getting as high as a kite in the toilet with Helen Mirren!

Jimmy Fallon: Are you going to go to the after party?

Dame Maggie Smith: [bitterly] After party? I'd rather drink ink. [sweetly] But wish me luck. Mmm…kiss for luck, little Jimmy Fallon? [ leans in for a kiss on the cheek]

[ Jimmy leans over to oblige, but Dame Maggie turns her head quickly and ends up lip-locked with Jimmy Fallon. “She” presses hard before Jimmy breaks away from the kiss. Maggie Smith leans back with a satisfied smile on her face ]

Jimmy Fallon: [ cracking up ] Maggie Smith, everybody! [ Maggie Smith waves and smirks before the camera cuts to Fey and Fallon. Tina tries to wipe the lipstick off Jimmy’s lips. Jimmy adjusts his tie and tries to keep a straight face, but struggles to control himself as the audience keeps whooping over the kiss. Jimmy touches his lips and ad-libs]: Maggie Smith should shave! [still trying to get over the shock of being kissed; ad-libs] Does this mean I'm knighted? [voice cracks when he says “knighted”] Or—or did I just get queened? [chuckles and is now calm enough to get on with the rest of Update] Wow…

Last week on "Survivor", when a female cast member urinated on a male cast member's hand to remedy a sea urchin's sting, [still cracking up over getting “queened”, but calms down again] CBS had to decide how much to show. The answer? Not enough, according to the urine fetish community.

A federal grand jury has indicted auditing firm Arthur Andersen for shredding more than thirty truckloads of Enron documents. If found guilty, the firm's top executives could spend up to ten months in a prison nicer than your home.

It's being reported that Tipper Gore is considering a run for the Senate seat once held by her husband Al Gore. Initial polls already have her winning by a landslide, because nobody wants to see Tipper lose and grow a beard.

Tina Fey: And now it's time for Weekend Update's Secret Joke of the Week.

[ Jimmy leans in and whispers the secret joke in Tina's ear ]

Tina Fey: [ devilishly excited ] Uh-huh? Uh-huh! [ laughing ] Secret joke! [ laughs ] That was a good joke!

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah? Don't tell anybody.

Tina Fey: I won't. I promise. This has been the Secret Joke of the Week!

A new study shows that drivers who listen to fast tempo music while driving have more accidents, while drivers listening to slow music have sexier accidents.

According to newly released documents, tobacco companies gave free cigarettes to celebrities such as Shelley Winters and Jerry Lewis, to try to influence the public to smoke. In their defense, tobacco company executives said, "No, no, no. We were just trying to kill Shelley Winters and Jerry Lewis."


Tina Fey: This past week, Fox aired its first of a series of celebrity boxing matches, including a match between Paula Jones and ex-figure skater Tonya Harding. Here to tell us about her experience, is Paula Jones.

Paula Jones: Thank yew. Thank yew, Tina.

Tina Fey: So, Paula, how was the fight?

Paula Jones: Um.. it was okay.. but I thought it was gonna be a lot classier than it was. I thought it was gonna be more celebrity, and less boxing.

[ Tonya Harding suddenly runs onto the set, donned in boxing gloves ]

Tonya Harding: Yeah! What's up, crybaby! [ sucker punches Paula on the shoulder ] Ah! You flinched! [ sucker punches some more ]

Tina Fey: See, this doesn't seem like an even match-up. Tonya, you're a professional athlete.. and, Paula.. what do you do?

Paula Jones: Um.. I'm stay-at-home actress.

Tina Fey: Uh.. how did you prepare for the fight.

Tonya Harding: I trained really hard! I ate a lot of chicken, I fought some Mexican girls in a parking lot.. and I threw a keg through my boyfriend's window! Whoo-oo-oo!!

Tina Fey: Paula, how did you train.

Paula Jones: Um.. I had my nail tips shortened.

Tina Fey: Now, let me ask you this - would you do it again? Will either of you fight again?

Tonya Harding: [ gung ho ] I'll take on all y'all! Amy Fisher! Anna Nicole Smith! Michelle Kwan! The Bush Twins! Why don't you bring it!!

Paula Jones: Uh.. I would not do this again.. because it did not turn out classy. But I will be driving the monster truck Borean over six school buses, sponsored by Skoal Bandit. Live on the World Wide Web, check it out, y'all!

Tina Fey: Alright, thanks. Time to go, ladies, thanks for coming out..

Tonya Harding: Hey, ya know what, Tina? You think you're so great - with your glasses, and.. and, your glasses... I'm gonna kill you!

Tina Fey: Oh, really, yeah? Let's do this!

[ Tina flings her glasses off and jumps to her feet. Tonya and Paula quickly jump to their feet and run in the opposite direction ]

Tina Fey: Yeah! That's what I thought, Tonya Harding! Tonya Harding and Paula Jones, everyone.

Tricon Global Restaurants, which owns Taco Bell, KFC and Pizza Hut, announced that they are buying A&W and Long John Silvers. It's a selection designed to make anyone's mouth water - in that way it does right before you puke.

Jimmy Fallon: More than 3,000 years after the Camblin-McDonald clans fought in the Scottish highlands, the family feud has resurfaced this week, after it was announced that both -

Tina Fey: Wait, wait.. Jimmy, are you nuts?

Jimmy Fallon: [ confused ] What?

Tina Fey: McDonald's.. family feud.. Are you trying to summon Louie Anderson?

Jimmy Fallon: [ sighs ] Oh, nooo..

[ a cloud of smoke rises from under the desk, as Louie Anderson magically appears ]

Louie Anderson: Ahhh.. hey, guys! Where am I? What's going on? You guys ready to play the Feud!

Tina Fey: No, Louie. Jimmy did not mean to magically summon you.

Louie Anderson: We surveyed 190,000 people! Top five answers on the board!

Jimmy Fallon: Louie, Louie, Louie. We're actually in the middle of the show. I didn't mean to summon you, I'm sorry.

Tina Fey: Yeah, you know what? You gotta go, Louie, just get out of here, okay?

Louie Anderson: Show me Get Out Of Here! Huh?

Tina Fey: You've still gotta go, Louie.

Jimmy Fallon: It's not on the board.

Louie Anderson: Okay, see you next time on the Feud! Be good to your families! [ blows a kiss ] See ya!

Jimmy Fallon: Louie Anderson, people!

The creators of Barbie have obtained a court order banning a new Argentinean movie called "Barbie Gets Sad 2," which shows Barbie having graphic sex. Apparently, their biggest objection is the scene where Barbie turns around and takes it in the Mattel!

Experts say that satellite images show that parts of Central London are sinking up to five millimeters a year. Also sinking up to five millimeters a year? Martin Landau's testicles.


Jimmy Fallon: For "Weekend Update", I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Good night, New York, and have a pleasant tomorrow.


SNL Transcripts