Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 6




04f: Luke Wilson / U2

The Restaurant

Steve's Date.....Amy Poehler
Jeff.....Luke Wilson
Steve.....Rob Riggle
Jeff's Date.....Maya Rudolph
Waiter.....Will Forte

[open on restaurant exterior with lit sign: "T. Mackeys"]

[dissolve to interior, with four people sitting at a table]

Steve's Date: ...so I said, "Parasailing? Are you out of your mind?"

[all laugh]

[waiter arrives with appetizer platter]

Jeff: Uh-oh! The food's here! Make room, everybody.

Steve: All right, this looks wonderful! Yeah.

Jeff's Date: So tell me again: You two have really known each other since pre-school?

Steve: Yep, yep. We've been best buds since...

Jeff: ...we were in underoos.

Steve: See? See? This guy finishes...

Jeff: ...my sentences!

[Jeff and Steve laugh]

Steve: Come here, you. [they hug]

Both Women: Awwwww!

Jeff's Date: Look at those two! It is so sweet!

Steve's Date: I know. All I do with my best girlfriends is argue and talk about them behind their back.

Jeff's Date: Yeah.

Jeff: So, what are we waiting for? Let's dig in!

Steve: Yeah!

Steve's Date: Okay!

[all begin eating and making appreciative eating sounds]

Steve: Oh, this empanada is out of this world!

Jeff: You know, I'm not an empanda fan?

All: What? Really?!

Steve: Now, be honest; have you ever tried an empanada?

Jeff: [points at Steve] You got me! I haven't.

Steve: All right, all right. Well, here we go. Try one.

Jeff: Okay.

Steve: [lifts an empanada from the tray] Well, here, try that.

[Steve feeds the empanada directly into Jeff's mouth]

Jeff: [makes "mmmmm" sound] Boy, that is tasty. [Jeff's date smiles benignly, while Steve's date eyes the men warily] Can I try it with a little sauce?

Steve: Hell, yeah! You gotta try the tapenade.

Jeff: Let me try that.

Steve: [dips an empanada in tapenade and brings it to Jeff's mouth] Oh-oh-oh! [puts his hand under Jeff's chin to prevent the tapenade from dripping]

Jeff: [makes "mmmmm" sounds] Yeah, my man! That is good!

Jeff's Date: [trying to sound breezy while Steve's date forces a smile] I didn't know you'd never tried an empanada, honey.

[Jeff continues to eat from Steve's hand, and doesn't respond]

Jeff's Date: [tucks her tongue into her cheek and continues] So, I'm so glad you guys finally made it out to Denver.

Steve's Date: Yeah! "Mile-High City."

Jeff's Date: Yeah.

Steve: Man, what did I tell you?

Jeff: Damn, that empanada was good!

Steve: Yeah.

Jeff: It's like a fried pie, but it's got meat in it. You want to try it?

Steve: Hell, yeah! But dip it in that salsa there.

Jeff: As directed, my man. [dips an empanada in salsa] As directed. [brings the empanada to Steve's mouth, putting his hand under Steve's chin]

Steve: [closes his eyes] All right.

Jeff: [accidentally smears some salsa on Steve's chin] Oh, oops, you got a little on your chin.

Steve: Oh, where?

Jeff: Right there brother. I got it. [uses the empanada to wipe the salsa from Steve's chin]

Steve: Damn good, my man.

Jeff's Date: You know what? I'd like to try one of those empanadas, too. [leans over the table and opens her mouth expectantly]

Jeff: What's wrong with you--your arms broken? They're right there, babe. Man, that's good stuff. [pats Steve on the back]

Steve: That is good stuff. Here you go, my friend.

Jeff: Oh, thank you.

[Jeff and Steve continue to feed each other while making "mmmmm" sounds]

Jeff's Date: So, Jeff tells me you're district manager for Petland Discounts.

Steve's Date: [detachedly] Uh, yeah, well, kind of. I run their distribution center.

Jeff's Date: [weakly] Yeah, that sounds good.

Steve's Date: Yeah.

Jeff: Hey, buddy, toss me one of them shrimps?

Steve: You want me to hook you up with some of that duck sauce?

Jeff: Hells, yeah.

[dips his index finger in the duck sauce] Why don't you give it a try first, my friend? [holds his finger up to Jeff's mouth]

Jeff: I'll give it a little try. [puts his hand on Steve's upper wrist, and licks Steve's finger, shrugs, and licks again] It's tangy but sweet. [Jeff's and Steve's dates are looking on in rapt horror] Actually it tastes more like a honey dijon than a duck sauce. I'm not sure if I like it.

Steve: Take your time, man. Figure it out.

Jeff: Not sure. [grasps Steve's hand and takes Steve's entire finger into his mouth while their dates fidget and look away from the men] Yeah, man, you're right.

Steve's Date: Uh, so, uh, Steve tells me that you work at a gym.

Jeff's Date: [flatly] Yeah, uh, yeah, I teach pilates.

Steve's Date: [dismissively] Yeah, that's interesting.

Jeff's Date: Uh-huh.

Jeff: Hey, you know what is looking real good right now?

Steve: What?

Jeff: That Thai chicken skewer.

Steve: Oh, well bro, here it comes. You're about to take a chicken rod to Thailand. [makes train whistle sound and pumps arm]

Jeff: Oh, this guy.

Steve: Put it there, brother-man.

[lifts the skewer and puts the tip into Jeff's mouth]

Jeff: Mmmmm--oh! Oh, that is hot!

Steve: What?

Jeff: That is too hot! [fans his mouth]

Steve: Like, heat hot or spice hot? [more emphatically] Heat hot or spice hot?!

Jeff's Date: Honey, are you okay?

Steve: You stay out of this! Heat hot or spice hot?!

Jeff: Both! Both! Both!

Steve: Well, spit it out! [cups his hands in front of Jeff's mouth] Just spit it out!

Jeff: No, it's too hot! It's gonna burn your hands, buddy! [taps Steve's hands for emphasis]

Steve: No, no, I got you bro! I got you covered!

[Jeff spits the meat into Steve's hands]

Steve: Oh, there you go. There you go.

Jeff: Oh, man.

Steve: Oh, it's okay. Hey, hey, here you go. [gets an ice cube from his glass and brings it to Jeff's mouth] There you go.

Jeff: [licking the ice] It was so scary man. It's hot as hell, bro.

Steve: I know, let it out. Let it out! [Jeff puts his hand on Steve's shoulder and rubs it while Steve rubs Jeff's back] I know it can be scary when you burn your mouth on something hot.

Jeff: [continuing to lick the ice] Oh, man. You have no idea, bro.

Steve: Yes, it can. Yeah. I'm here. Shhhhh. I'm here. I'm here for you, all right? [looks to the other side of the table and finds it empty] Hey, where did the girls go?

Jeff: Uh, no idea man. No idea. But how about we finish the rest of the margarita? How does that sound?

Steve: Hells, yeah.

Jeff: Good idea.

[they lick the salt from the rim of the glass and begin drinking from the glass at the same time]

[music out: "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You" by Michael Bolton]

[fade to black]


Submitted by: DavidK93


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