Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 13

04m: Hilary Swank / 50 Cent

Hot Plates

Female Diner #1.....Hilary Swank
Louis.....Kenan Thompson
Male Diner.....Seth Meyers
Female Diner #2.....Amy Poehler
Waiter #1.....Horatio Sanz
Waiter #2.....Rob Riggle
Satan.....Will Forte

[open on interior of restaurant with four people sitting around a table]

Female Diner #1: Happy birthday, Louis!

Louis: Thanks, you guys. You're the best!

Male Diner: Happy birthday, buddy. You're the best.

Female Diner #2: Hey, so I hear the food here is amazing.

Male Diner: Yeah.

Louis: Well, where is it? Because I am starving.

Female Diner #1: Yeah, where--Oh, here's our waiter now.

Waiter #1: Hey-hey! There we go, folks.

Male Diner: Something smells great.

Waiter #1: [holding heat gloves] Okay, everybody. Your food is here, but I want to warn you, okay? Please be careful. The plates are extremely hot.

Waiter #2: [arriving with food cart] Very hot plates!

Waiter #1: Hot plates!

Female Diner #1: Okay, okay, we get it. "Hot plates."

[diners chuckle]

Waiter #1: No, seriously. [puts on heat gloves] These plates are awfully hot. Use extreme caution.

Waiter #2: Hot plates! Coming in! [hands plate to Waiter #1]

Waiter #1: Okay, here we go. [receives plate from Waiter #2] T-bone! Who's got the T-bone?! Hot plate here! Hot plate!

Male Diner: Oh, right here. My plate. Sorry.

Waiter #1: Yaaaaah-all right! [puts plate down in front of Male Diner]

Male Diner: Oh! Oh, man! This plate is unreasonably hot! I feel the heat on my face!

Waiter #1: Yeah, you know what? I told you, watch yourself. I told you, the plate would be hot. Okay, the plates are absolutely roasting, folks.

Waiter #2: Hot plates!

Waiter #1: Hot plates!

Female Diner #2: I'm starting to sweat. This is crazy!

Waiter #1: [receives plate from Waiter #2] Okay, who's got the salmon?

Female Diner #1: That's me. That's--right here.

Waiter #1: Okay, here we go. [puts plate down in front of Female Diner #1]

Female Diner #1: [leaning over the plate] Oh, it looks good!

Waiter #1: Agh! Be careful! Get your hair off the plate! And if I were you, I'd roll up those sleeves. The plate is hot as lava!

Waiter #2: Hot plates!

Waiter #1: Hot plates!

[smoke begins to rise around Female Diner #1's plate]

Female Diner #1: My plate's burning the tablecloth.

Waiter #1: Don't worry, everybody. The tablecloths are made of a heat-resistant asbestos.

Male Diner: Hey, isn't asbestos dangerous?

Waiter #1: Okay, guy? These plates and how hot they are are the least of your worries, all right?

Waiter #2: Hot plates!

Waiter #1: Hot plates! All right, who had the baby field greens with gargonzola and walnuts?

Louis: Yeah, that's me, right over here.

Waiter #1: [receives plate from Waiter #2] Okay, sir, please, watch it, because the closest comparison I can give you to this plate is, like, the surface of the sun hot. Okay, be careful.

Louis: For a salad plate?

Waiter #1: Yeah. [puts plate down in front of Louis]

[plate bursts into flames]

Louis: Aaaaah! Oh, my lordness! My salad is on fire!

Waiter #1: It's not the salad! It's the plate!

Waiter #2: Hot plates!

Waiter #1: Hot plates!

Male Diner: Hey, excuse me, waiter? The hot plate kind of overcooked my steak. [holds up his very burnt steak on a fork]

Waiter #1: You know what? I don't go to where you work and tell you what to do, do I? Where do you work, by the way?

Male Diner: I'm a waiter over at Four Oaks.

Waiter #1: Oh, that's a nice place.

Male Diner: Yeah.

Waiter #1: I'll be right back with your food.

Female Diner #1: Um, my plate looks like it may be burning through the table. [plate burns through table and falls amid a cloud of steam, she and Louis gasp]

Male Diner: What is going on?!

Louis: You know, I suddenly feel like I might want to touch my plate.

Female Diner #1: No, you idiot! He just told you how hot they are!

Louis: I can't resist it any longer! I have to touch that plate! [grasps his right hand in his left and guides it to the plate, screaming in pain upon making contact]

Female Diner #2: What happened?

Louis: Pinky touched the plate. [puts pinky finger into glass of water, which sprays up a large jet in response]

Male Diner: Oh, my God!

Female Diner #1: I gotta admit, it's getting pretty tempting to touch his plate.

Male Diner: Are you crazy?! Didn't you just see what happened to Louis?! Goddamn these plates!

Female Diner #1: I hear what you're saying, but I have to touch the plate! [reaches her right hand to the plate and screams]

Louis: Oh, why did she touch the plate?!

Female Diner #1: He was right! [she tries to pull her hand from the plate, but the heat has fused her skin to it] My hand melted!

[diners scream wildly in terror as Waiter #1 arrives, waring a welding mask on top of his heat, and attempts to pry her fingers from the plate]

Waiter #1: We're going to deal with that later. But now, something a little more important. Who had the scallop plate?! Scallops?!

Female Diner #2: Right here! My plate! Scallops, right here!

Male Diner: [shrieking] How do you still want the scallops?!

Waiter #1: Now, guys, I have to warn you. These scallops--the plate for these scallops is unlike any other plate in the restaurant. It is hot, do you understand?! It's unholy hot. You have to avert your eyes when I bring the plate. [lowers welding mask] Whatever you do, don't look at the plate.

[Waiter #2 arrives, also wearing a welding mask, and holding the plate in tongs. He transfers the tongs to Waiter #1's hands, and Waiter #1 sets it down in front of Female Diner #2. A fiery, purple-red light shines on her, and all diners recoil with their hands over their faces.]

Female Diner #2: God, you know, I need to look at that plate.

Female Diner #1: No, no, no, I wouldn't do that!

Waiter #1: Please don't, not without the mask!

Female Diner #1: He's even wearing a welder's hat!

Female Diner #2: I know, I know the risks, yet still I'm compelled. I must look at that plate! [she lowers her hands, leans over the plate, and screams in pain as she falls back with her hands over her eyes]

Female Diner #1: What happened?!

Male Diner: What do you think?! She burned her eyes looking at the plate!

Louis: Oh, we told you not to look at it!

[shot returns to Female Diner #2 to show that she is now a skeleton, with a dramatic musical cue, and all diners scream in terror and anguish]

Female Diner #2: It's so damn hot!

Satan: Because, my dear, you're in hell! [cackles as lights flicker with dramatic music, and smoke rises around him, before all effects suddenly stop] But do enjoy your meal.

Male Diner: Thank you.

Submitted by: DavidK93

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