Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 17


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


May 6th, 2006

Tom Hanks

Red Hot Chili Peppers

None

None

Liz Cackowski

Bryan Tucker

Jorma Taccone

Bill Frist's Gas Plan
Summary: President George W. Bush (Will Forte) hears out Bill Frist's (Tom Hanks) new gas plan, which plays out like a late night infomercial.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Bill Frist.

Transcript


Montage


Tom Hanks' Monologue
Summary: Tom Hanks fields questions from clergymen, nuns and Jesus (Jason Sudeikis) about his performance in "The Da Vinci Code."

First Hosted: 85e.

Transcript


Wheel of Fortune
Summary: Pat Sajak (Tom Hanks) is flabbergasted when a trio of dumb contestants (Amy Poehler, Fred Armisen, Kristiin Wiig) can't solve the final letter in the phrase "By the s-in of our teeth."


Kaitlin
Summary: Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) is excited to babysit Eli's (Tom Hanks) pet iguana.

Recurring Characters: Kaitlin, Rick.

Transcript


An SNL Digital Short
Summary: On the streets of New York City in 1991, three friends (Chris Parnell, Kenan Thompson, Will Forte) sample the new song "Please Don't Cut My Testicles" by Ariell & Ephraim.

Transcript


Universal Theme Park
Summary: Brothers (Tom Hanks, Fred Armisen) standing in line for the "Back to the Future" yell for their disoriented Ma (Rachel Dratch) to locate their whereabouts.


Red Hot Chili Peppers perform "Dani California"
First Performed: 91n.


Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
Summary: Positioned to join "The View" next Fall, Rosie O'Donnell (Horatio Sanz) comments on her rivalry with Star Jones. Drs. Gunther (Fred Armisen) and Patrick Kelly (Will Forte) debate the immigration reform program with a nonsense song.

Recurring Characters: Gunther Kelly, Patrick Kelly.


Claremont Yoga Center
Summary: Laura (Rachel Dratch) is creeped out by the appearance of her sweaty male yoga partner (Tom Hanks).


C-Span After Dark
Summary: In an episode of "Colin's Place", a political spoof of "Sanford and Son", Colin Powell (Kenan Thompson) stews about the ongoing situation in Iraq.

Recurring Characters: Colin Powell, Condoleeza Rice.


Red Hot Chili Peppers perform "Give It Away"


Tennis Players
Summary: One-armed Richard (Tom Hanks) learns that his tennis partner (Will Forte) has replaced him with a three-armed player (Chris Parnell). However, Richard has a trick up his sleeve, as well.

Transcript


Goodnights
Transcript






Dress Rehearsal Cuts

A Day Without an Immigrant
Summary: When an illegal immigrant housekeeper (Maya Rudolph) takes the day off to join the local boycott, her employers' (Tom Hanks, Amy Poehler) home life turns to chaos.


Head Lice
Summary: Insert live beetles in your hair to get rid of lice.


An SNL Digital Short
Summary: A cop (Andy Samberg) has a difficult time eating with his obtrusive lobster claws.


Gump: The Musical
Summary: In the year 2031, a disgruntled Tom Hanks resumes his lead role in "Gump: The Musical."


Janitors
Summary: Vasquez (Horatio Sanz) and a fellow janitor (Tom Hanks) are accused of stealing from the office where they clean.

Recurring Characters: Vasquez.


Tech Pack
Summary: Spokesman (Jason Sudeikis) recommends the Tech Pack for a woman (Kristin Wiig) who's having a difficult time carrying all of her techno gizmos around the airport.


The Receptionist
Summary: An ugly receptionist (Fred Armisen) annoys visitors to the office.



SNL Transcripts