Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Bonus Episode 3

Weekend Update Thursday 3

A Message from the President of the United States

President George W. Bush.....Will Ferrell
Aide.....Will Forte
Gov. Sarah Palin.....Tina Fey
Todd Palin.....Jason Sudeikis
Sen. John McCain.....Darrell Hammond

[ open on Presidential seal ]

Announcer: And now, a message from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President George W. Bush seated in the Oval Office ]

President George W. Bush: Hello, my fellow Americans. I have chosen to schedule this impromptu address at night because, quite frankly, every time I speak during the day, the Stock Market goes in the crapper. So, sorry, Asian markets. You take the hit on this one. I come to you tonight in the midst of a very important election between two very qualified candidates: the hot lady and the Tiger Woods guy. Both candidates are heavily patriotized, and display much characterization. And, yes, I did have three Xanax and a Silver Bullet about a half-hour ago. I'm out of here in a few months, so screw it! [ he laughs ] But, before I leave, I wanted to help Sarah Palin and John McCain, by giving them what every candidate wants most: a prime-time, heavily-publicized network endorsement from George W. Bush. Hey, don't pinch yourself John, you are awake!

Now, I tried to do this several months ago, but somehow it kept getting pushed to a written press release or a shouted sentence as I walked to the helicopter. I began to suspect that they didn't want my endorsement to be too public. But now, with the country on a big upswing and my numbers on the rise, I thought it was time to give a proper, large scale "much love" to McCain and Palin...

[ an aide leans in and whispers in Bush's ear ]

President George W. Bush: What? Really? Why didn't you tell me that, Jeff?

[ the aide shrugs and exits ]

President George W. Bush: I've just been told by my trusted aide Jeff, that the country is actually in a horrible downward spiral and that my approval numbers are lower than ever. That one's on me, uh -- four months ago, I declared the Oval Office a bummer-free zone, so... You know what, let's bring on Senator McCain and Governor Palin.

[ Gov. Sarah Palin enters the Oval Office, smiles and waves to the audience, shakes Bush's hand, then sits against the front of the desk with him ]

Gov. Sarah Palin: So nice to meet you, Mr. President. I've seen you on TV.

President George W. Bush: Thank you. Where's, uh -- where's McRage?

Gov. Sarah Palin: You know, John McCain and I have been so busy travelin' around this great country of ours, talkin' about change and energy independence and William Ayers, and doin' a little shoppin'! But, unfortunately, Senator McCain, upon hearing you wanted to give him a super public endorsement, cannot be found. He was last seen travelin' on foot through the Adirondacks. But my husband, Todd, and two of his drinkin' buddies are in pursuit on snowmachines.

President George W. Bush: Well, we'll smoke him out. George Bush always finds his man, save for one huge exception.

Gov. Sarah Palin: Yeah, we are gonna get 'er done!

President George W. Bush: [ impressed ] My God, you are folksy!

Gov. Sarah Palin: Why, thank you, Mr. President. I like to think I'm one part practiced folksy, one part sassy, and a little dash of high school bitchy. [ she gives a wink and a smile ]

President George W. Bush: For a little while, I was trying to be folksy, but, after a bit, it just came off douchey. All right, let me get into my endorsement for you as Vice President.

[ to the camera ] As you know America, the office of Vice President is the most important office in the land. The Vice President decides when we go to war, how we tax the citizens, and how we interpret the Constitution. The President can do nothing without checking with the Vice President. That is why Sarah Palin...

Gov. Sarah Palin: Actually, Mr. President, I don't want to go all Katie Couric on you, but, um, I think it's actually the other way around. I think the Vice President reports to the President.

President George W. Bush: Really? That's not what Dick Cheney told me when he sat me down on the first day.

[ suddenly, Todd Palin enters with John McCain at his side ]

Todd Palin: Well, we out-mavericked the Maverick!

[ Todd pushes McCain towards Sarah Palin and Bush, then exits the Oval Office ]

Sen. John McCain: Good evening, my friends. Mr. President, always a pleasure.

President George W. Bush: Good to see you. Good to see you, John. Hey, let's get a photo of this; this'll really help your campaign out. [ he grabs McCain's hand and holds it just above Palin's legs ] Now, let me do this: I, George W. Bush, endorse John McCain and Sarah Palin with all my heart...

[ McCain tries to drift out of frame, but is pulled back by Bush ]

President George W. Bush: John was there for me 90% of the time over the last eight years. When you think of John McCain, think of me, George W. Bush. Think of this face. When you're in the voting booth, before you vote, picture this face right here. A vote for John McCain is a vote for George W. Bush. [ to McCain ] You're welcome. So I want to be there for you, John, for the next eight years.

Gov. Sarah Palin: The next sixteen years! [ she holds up crossed fingers ]

President George W. Bush: [ to an off-camera photographer ] Let's get a safety. I think I blinked on that last shot. Thumbs up, everybody. [ Palin performs a beauty pose ] But, most of all, I support them because... "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night"!

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