Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 13












09m: Jon Hamm / Michael Buble

State of the Union 2010

President Barack Obama.....Fred Armisen
Joseph Biden.....Jason Sudeikis
Nancy Pelosi.....Kristen Wiig

Announcer: The following is an NBC Special Event: the Presidential State of the Union Address.

[ dissolve to interior, real footage mixed with sketch footage ]

[ President Barack Obama takes his podium to thunderous applause ]

President Barack Obama: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you. Madame Speaker... Vice President Biden... members of Congress... distinguished guests... and fellow Americans. Five months ago... our nation lost one of its most honorable and courageous public servants -- Sen. Edward Kennedy.

[ thunderous applause and a standing ovation ]

And... last week, in Massachusetts... we saw a special election... to fill his Senate seat. Now... that election... did not go my party's way. [ a teasing smile to front for his annoyance ] So, naturally... all the pundits have their different theories... on what it all means. The fact is... no one knows. But there's one thing we do know: Our nominee, Martha Coakley... was the single most incompetent candidate ever to seek public office in this nation's history!

[ thunderous applause and a standing ovation ]

Shame on you, Martha Coakley! How do you not know that Curt Schilling pitched for the Red Sox? Martha Coakley, you are a disgrace! You couldn't beat Dick Cheney for mayor of Berkeley! You deserved to lose, Martha! You deserved to lose. You stunk up the joint!

[ thunderous applause and several standing ovations ]

Thank you! Thank you!

Now, before we assess the state of our union today, let's pause to recall where we stood when I assumed office just one year ago. Our nation mired in two wars... a collapsing stock market... an economy rocked by severe recession... and a government deeply in debt.

[ applause from the Democrats, no response from the Republicans ]

But that's not all. Last January 20th, when Michelle and I first entered the White House, we were absolutely horrified at what we found: Dishes piled high in the sink --

[ dour reactions from a group of Republicans ]

Sheets that hadn't been washed in months, perhaps years --

[ dour reactions from a larger group of Republicans ]

Floors littered with candy wrappers and dust bunnies... and a fridge filled with food long past its expiration date!

[ confused reaction from Sen. John McCain ]

The cable bill had not been paid since the Clinton administration, and service had been turned off years ago. Late fees alone ran into the hundreds of dollars!

[ Supreme Court Judge Alito shakes his head ]

Also -- and I want to put this as delicately as I can -- according to staff familiar with the furnishings... things were missing.

[ a sour reaction from a senator ]

But, of all the legacies left by my predecessor, none was as damaging as a jobless rate of nearly 15%!

[ dour reactions from a larger group of Republicans ] Putting Americans back to work has, therefore, been my administration's top priority... and it will be until every American who wants a job has one!

[ thunderous applause and a standing ovation ]

Thank you.

Here are three jobs that, as of noon today, were still available:

[ reading from cards ] Teezak Bros. Roofing in Hinsdale, Illinois, has an opening for a part-time bookkeeper. Contact Bob or Andy Teezak at 1-800-555-0199.

[ no reaction from military generals in the crowd ]

Mike's Burger World on Route 7 in Bellevue, Washington is looking for kitchen staff. Applicants must be available nights and weekends, and willing to wear a hairnet.

And... Local 507 of the carpenters union has a position available for construction on the new Hudson County Courthouse in Jersey City, New Jersey. Starting wage is $45 an hour. And, like most jobs on this project, it's a no-show job. You can stay home all day!

[ thunderous applause, and a standing ovation ]

[ from sonewhere in the crowd, Brendan Fraser laughs and gives a lop-sided clap ]

So... that's three jobs right there.

Annnnd -- and that's not all. In the months ahead, I plan to ask Congress for legislation ending the ban on gays in the military.

[ thunderous applause, except from the military generals ]

This, in itself, will create 30,000 jobs in our Armed Forces -- as well as two new series on BRAVO.

[ thunderous applause ]

Also, there's health care reform. To be honest, at this point, I could go either way on that. If you want it, pass it. Whatever. I'll sign it. It's your call. I really don't care any more.

Thank you! God bless you! And, "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!"


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