Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 6












12f: Louis C.K. / fun.

Last Call

Bartender.....Kenan Thompson
Sheila Sovage.....Kate McKinnon
Dan Pants.....Louis C.K.

[ open on exterior, Donnelly's ]

[ dissolve to interior, bar, closing time ]

Bartender: Okay, last call, people! Looks like you two struck out! Want to just go ahead and close up your tabs, and put your toys away?

Sheila Sovage: If it's still within my rights as a patron, I'd like one more bellini. I mean, what do I have to prooze, right? [ she laughs ]

Dan Pants: I'll have another Tequila and egg whites...

Bartender: Great.

Dan Pants: [ to Sheila ] Hey, can I, uh... can I scoot over, or are you saving this... seat?

Sheila Sovage: You know, there was a husky Italian sitting there, who recently got up to vomit.

Dan Pants: Well, I already vomited, so...

Sheila Sovage: Okay. [ she signals him over as their drinks arrives ] Heya, Closing Act! And you are...?

Dan Pants: Dan Pants. What's your name?

Sheila Sovage: Oh, me? I'm Sheila Sovage.

Dan Pants: Well, Seila Shovage, let me ask you --

Sheila Sovage: Yeah?

Dan Pants: Where are you from?

Sheila Sovage: Oh, me? I'm born in Guam, raised in Annapolis.

Dan Pants: No way!

Sheila Sovage: Yeah!

Dan Pants: There is no way!

Sheila Sovage: Well, I know! Where are you from?

Dan Pants: Because I'm from Northern California!

Sheila Sovage: NO!! [ she slaps the counter ]

Dan Pants: YES!! [ he slaps the counter ]

Sheila Sovage: NO!! [ she slaps the counter ]

Dan Pants: YES!! [ he slaps the counter ] Okay, this is FREAKY! This is so FREAKY!

Sheila Sovage: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Dan Pants: Because, let me ask you this...

Sheila Sovage: Yeah?

Dan Pants: What did you have for lunch today? But, together, at the same time. Baby food!

Sheila Sovage: Candy corn! What is happening?! What?!

[ the Bartender is stunned ]

Dan Pants: This is...

Sheila Sovage: So, uh... so what is, uh... whoo! What is it that you do professionally, Dan Pants?

Dan Pants: I am an exotic... animal... coroner!

Sheila Sovage: You say it ain't so!

Dan Pants: Why, what is your trade?

Sheila Sovage: Uh, I don't work -- I'm awaiting trial.

Dan Pants: Wow! Wow! It's like you're seeing things... and then... but, what I'm hearing... is she's a woman and she has breasts and stuff!

Sheila Sovage: Hey, not me! I'm hearing my own voice saying, "I don't care what he looks like, I have MASSIVE needs!"

Bartender: Hey! You... you know what I need? To get about four hours of sleep before my baby wakes up. So why don't you guys just drink up, and go do it?

Dan Pants: Sounds like the Lightning Round has passed! Okay?

Sheila Sovage: What have you got?

Dan Pants: What religion are you?

Sheila Sovage: I'm a former Presybyterian minister.

Dan Pants: No way! Because I'm a WICCAN!!

Sheila Sovage: No!

Dan Pants: We've got SOMETHING.... this is such, uh... [ he points at her crotch ] This is CRAZY!!

Sheila Sovage: Oh, you are... you are doing stuff, Buster... and you are... looking ways...

Dan Pants: You are being here... and having limbs, all of them...

Sheila Sovage: Hey, can I say something from the heart, Dan Pants? You are so... the only man left here, Dan! And I LOVE that!

Dan Pants: And, all night, I've been over there. Remember? When I kept looking at you, and I was, like... "Eh..." But, now? Now, it's like... "Her...? Okay." It's like, you know...?

Sheila Sovage: Yeah, you know what? This is where we dive deep, man! This is -- there's no turning back now. [ she puckers up ]

Dan Pants: May I kiss... my mouth upon your particular mouth... part of your face?

Sheila Sovage: Red Rover, Red Rover... you send that mouth right over!

[ they proceed to kiss and lick all over one another's faces, much to the extreme horror of the Bartender ]

Dan Pants: Wow. That, uh... that was unworkable.

Sheila Sovage: Yeah. I give it two vaginas down. [ she points her thumbs down ]

Dan Pants: Boy, I guess that's that...

Sheila Sovage: Yep.

Dan Pants: We just have to do it Adam and Eve style without kissing!

Sheila Sovage: Yep.

Dan Pants: We;'ll go to your place to seal the deal. Let's go.

Sheila Sovage: No, no... I am between places right now. We're gonna have to go to your place.

Dan Pants: There is no such place.

Sheila Sovage: Okay. Then we will search until we find a spot or a nook with the least amount of broken glass, my friend.

Dan Pants: Great! Just hoist yourself upon my hips like a sack of groceries... and then we will leave this particular...

[ she jumps in his arms as he carries her out the door ]

Sheila Sovage: [ to the Bartender ] Thank you!

[ once outside, they press themselves against the bar's window and proceed to get busy, as the Bartender runs over and sprray paints the glass to cover the view ]

Bartender: Hey, I don't want to KNOW how that pans out!

[ fade ]


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