Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 5










75e: Robert Klein / ABBA

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

.....Chevy Chase
Frank Telinka.....Dan Aykroyd
.....Garrett Morris

[FADE in on Chevy at the anchor desk.]

Don Pardo: And now, Weekend Update with Chevy Chase!

[Chevy listens to his telephone and smiles.]

Chevy Chase: How d’ya know? You know what I like? When you take your teeth... [notices camera] I gotta go.

[Chevy hangs up and turns to his script.]

Chevy Chase: Good evening, I’m Chevy Chase, and you’re not.

Our top story tonight: President Ford flew to Paris today for a joint economic summit conference!

[CUT to the monitor over Chevy’s shoulder. It displays a photo of Ford bending down to kiss a young girl who is giving him flowers.]

Chevy Chase: Overworked and exhausted from his flight, the President mistakenly bumped his head on the face of a little girl who was presenting him with flowers at the airport. Smiling but alert Secret Service agents seized the child and wrestled her to the ground. [laughter and applause] Commented Ford later: “It’s okay: kid’s too young to vote anyway. Have you seen my flowers?” [soft laughter]

Ford will visit China in December, making stops in Indonesia and the Philippines. While in China, Mr. Ford plans to fall off the Great Wall by mistake.

[Monitor shows a jetliner taking off with a flock of large birds scattered above it.]

Chevy: A flock of seagulls was sucked into the jet engines of a DC-10 aircraft during takeoff at Kennedy Airport in New York. The plane crashed and burned, but no one was hurt. However, 14 birds were injured, and 3 were killed. The injured gulls were taken to Mount Sinai hospital, and names of the dead are being withheld pending notification of the next of kin.

[soft laughter]

Chevy Chase: The United States... hold it... The United Nations General Assembly passed a resolution equating Zionism with racism. Black entertainer Sammy Davis, Jr., a convert to Judaism, was quoted as saying: “What a breakthrough! Now, finally, I can hate myself!”

[Monitor shows Richard Nixon, apparently on Air Force One, where he is sleeping across two chairs and covered with a blanket.]

Chevy Chase: A new book has been published and released, and it’s entitled, “Friends of Richard Nixon.” A short work, it is only one page longer than the work, “Famous Antarctic Television Personalities of the Eighteenth Century.” Of his former boss, President Ford said, “Well, I spent most of the week reading it, finding it challenging in its scope.”

[Monitor fades to a shot of David and Julie Eisenhower flanked by two military guards on the White House Lawn.]

Chevy Chase: David and Julie Eisenhower were executed today by a firing squad... [laughter and applause] ...to pay for what the Pentagon calls “unforgivable dullness.”

[The audience cheers and applauds so long that Chevy picks up the telephone receiver and starts to dial, then puts it back down and resumes his report.]

Chevy Chase: Secretary of State Henry Kissinger has been cited for contempt of Congress! Kissinger commented, “So what? Congress has at least as much contempt for me as I do for him. Besides, Nixon lied, didn’t he? And he gets to sunbathe while I get terminal jet lag.”

[Monitor shows a still of Governor George Wallace of Alabama clapping and turning his head to the side.]

Chevy Chase: Governor George Wallace announced that he will roll ahead for the nomination of the Presidency! [laughter and applause] Wallace stated that his physical disabilities have never and will never prevent him from continuing a determined policy of bigotry and right-wing extremism at home, and unflagging ignorance on the foreign front.

[Monitor fades to a track athlete doing stretching exercises. He sticks his right arm straight out in front of him while bending up his left knee and touching the foot with his left hand.]

Chevy Chase: Meanwhile, members of the Congress of Racial Equality are strongly protesting the new hood ornament on Wallace’s private limousine.

[laughter and applause]

Chevy Chase: A serious note: the Federal Communications Commission ruled today that the words “sniff” and “lingerie” may not be spoken over the airwaves, regardless of the context.

[Monitor shows Muhammad Ali writing in a notebook while Joe Frazier sits to his left and peers over his shoulder with his teeth gritted.]

Chevy Chase: In sports, “Super Fight” has become “Super Write” as Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier met last night in a contest to see who could fill an entire page of a book, it, uh, with writing in under fifteen rounds. Ali won the competition in three rounds, writing his name eight times to fill the page. Said the champ: “All my fight fans, they may be bored,/But this proves that the pen is mightier than the floor!”

[Monitor fades to three photos in a row: one of Gerald Ford covering his mouth, one of Hubert Humphrey pointing both fingers at his own nose, and one of Ford blowing his nose.]

Chevy: Still to come: Hubert Humphrey explains what to do when you sneeze to Jerry Ford, after this filmed message.

[FADE to black.]

[dissolve to ad parody for Jamitol]

[FADE IN on Chevy at the anchor desk.]

Chevy Chase: Last week, Update presented an editorial favoring the use of electrical energy, burning of natural gas, and strip mining. Here in reply to that editorial is Frank Telinka, spokesman for the “Turn Off Your Lights Drive 1976.”

[ZOOM OUT to show Telinka, on Chevy’s right. He wears a plain brown suit and dark-rimmed glasses. SUPERIMPOSE, “EDITORIAL REPLY.”]

Frank Telinka: [contemptuously] The energy crisis is upon us, and yet most citizens are still unaware of its implications and ultimate impact.

[As Telinka continues, Chevy silently flaps his lips in sync with him and bugs out his eyes.]

Frank Telinka: The average Joe reads about it and hears about it, yet continues to ignore its inevitable powerlessness. We live in a mechanized and electric society in the United Sta-States. [Chevy puts fingers in his mouth and sticks out his tongue] We have been taught from generation to generation about the endless abundance of America’s... wealth...

[Telinka turns to Chevy, who immediately pretends to be picking food out of his teeth.]

Frank Telinka: Both in our natural resources, and in our ability to take of our own... take care of our own and others. We know in our collective subconscious that it cannot continue. [Chevy makes “rabbit ears” with fingers behind Telinka’s head] Yet we go home, turn on the lights instead of burning a candle, turn on record players instead of singing to ourselves...

[Chevy takes out an electric shaver and pretends to shave his face, his armpits, and Telinka’s shoulder.]

Frank Telinka: ...blow-dry our hair instead of using a towel, and shave with a machine instead of a blade!

[Chevy continues to make faces and mime his words, picks up a sheet of paper and flaps it in front of him, and points his finger at Telinka.]

Frank Telinka: We must get back to basics! [pounds desktop] A basic understanding of life’s real values, and a basic way of living that life. This means me, this means you! LEARN to conserve! [Chevy makes faces over his shoulder] The term “wasting energy” is no longer a vestigial, anachronistic cliche, it is an ominious and insidious prognosis for a nation sick with self-indulgence and, ultimately, a portention of an American armageddon! Thank you!

[Telinka turns and glares at Chevy, who stops instantly and looks at the camera over cheers and applause.]

Chevy Chase: Weekend Update recognizes its obligation to present responsible opposing viewpoints to our editorials.

[Monitor shows a man standing on a staircase next to what looks like a giant mill wheel with a corrugated metal rim.]

Chevy Chase: Well, Leon, the giant hamster, escaped from the Leningrad zoo again today. Said zookeeper Boris Bronovich: “We’re following his droppings with much hope of success.”

[Monitor fades to a still photo of Jacqueline Carlin.]

Chevy Chase: A final note: this is my girlfriend’s birthday. Hi, Jackie. Happy 17th.

[Chevy raises his eyebrows over laughter.]

Chevy Chase: Also on the birthday spot: Lorne Michaels, executive producer of the NBC “Night” show, and a functioning schizophrenic. The NBC “Saturday Night” show will soon be replaced by the network with their new series, “Hilarious Test Patterns of the 1960’s.”

[laughter]

Chevy Chase: And now, as a public service to those of our viewers who have difficulty with their hearing, I will repeat the top story of the day, aided by the Headmaster of the New York School for the Hard of Hearing, Garrett Morris.

[SUPERIMPOSE Garrett in a circle on the left side of the screen above the caption, “NEWS FOR THE HARD OF HEARING.” Audience laughs as Chevy struggles not to crack up.]

Chevy Chase: Our top story tonight:

Garrett Morris: [cupping hands around his mouth] OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT!!!

Chevy Chase: President Ford flew to Paris for a summit conference, and boy, are his arms tired!

Garrett Morris: PRESIDENT FORD FLEW TO PARIS FOR A SUMMIT CONFERENCE, AND BOY, ARE HIS ARMS TIRED!!!

Chevy Chase: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Garrett Morris: GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TO-MOR-ROW!

[FADE to black over applause.]


Submitted by: Sean


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