Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 13: Episode 8
87h: Paul Simon / Linda Ronstadt
Desert Island Christmas
David…..Paul Simon
Victoria…..Victoria Jackson
David: [ drags in a palm tree ] Honey, I think I found our Christmas tree!
Victoria: Oh! It’s perfect, David!
David: And what Christmas would be complete without.. [ revealsbag of gifts ] ..presents!
Victoria: Oh, David, you shouldn’t have.
David: I wanted to. Because if you can’t get a laugh on a desertisland, when can you get a laugh?
Victoria: That’s true. I got you something, too! [ pulls out giftfrom behind a bush ] Merry Christmas!
David: Oh, honey..
Victoria: Go ahead, open them up!
David: [ curious ] What can this be..? [ opens gift ] It’s a watch!It’s beautiful! But where on Earth could you find a watch?
Victoria: I didn’t find it. I made it!
David: [ stunned ] You made this watch?
Victoria: Yeah! I found some copper-bearing ore in the hills, andso I made a kiln and I kind of smelded some out..
David: [ amazed ] You smelded the copper?
Victoria: Yeah, just a little. And, then I hammered it out intoflat sheets, and I kind of cut the gears out of the sheet, then sort ofput it all together.. You like it?
David: Of course! I love it! [ puts watch on and winds it ]It works! [ still amazed ] You made this watch?
Victoria: Yeah! You know, that’s real gold on the outside. I pannedit out in the stream.
David: I don’t know what to say. I mean, it’s amazing. I’m amazed!
Victoria: I was just hoping you’d like it.
David: Like it? Ilove it! But.. where’d you get the strap?
Victoria: That’s pigskin. I stalked and killed a wild pig. It tookme three days.
David: So that’s where you were!
Victoria: Yeah. Then I tanned the hide, and I cut part of it outfor the strap.. do you like it?
David: It’s wonderful!
Victoria: See the hand?
David: Yeah.
Victoria: Um.. they’re whiskers from the pig, and I soaked them inpalm resin to harden them.
David: I don’t know what to say.. I don’t know what to say..
Victoria: Let me open one of yours!
David: Well.. I feel awkaward about..
Victoria: No, no, no.. [ opens a gift ] Oh.. it’s a shell..
David: Yeah.. I sort of found it on the beach.. and I thought itwas pretty, and.. a watch! I can’t get over that! I just can’t get overthat!
Victoria: [ hugging her shell ] Honey, I love this shell, it’sbeautiful!
David: I don’t know.. it’s not a watch, or anything..
Victoria: Well, I love it! And I’ll always cherish it. Okay, now open your next present!
David: Oh, yeah.. [ grabs present ] Where did you get the fancywrapping paper?
Victoria: I made it?
David: You made it?
Victoria: Well, it was really easy. I mean, I just pounded somereef into mulch, and that’s, you know, about it..
David: And the design?
Victoria: Uh.. squid’s ink, I painted on the brush I made..
David: I see. [ reveals telescope ] It’s a telescope..
Victoria: Yeah!
David: It’s wonderful.. I mean.. you made this, I suppose?
Victoria: Well.. sort of, a little.. I carved it..
David: No, you made it. It’s wonderful. Thank you.
Victoria: You really like it?
David: I said I did, I said I liked it..
Victoria: Okay, now let me open yours! [ David protests ] Oh, nowdon’t be that way.. [ she opens her next gift ] Ohhh.. it’s a.. it’s a..
David: It’s a potholder.
Victoria: Oh! Ineed a potholder! I really do!
David: I know you don’t! I know we don’t even have pots.. [ sarcastic ]Oh, maybe you could smeld some!
Victoria: Oh, come on.. [ opens another gift ] This is.. anothershell!
David: Another shell.
Victoria: It’s wonderful! Look, they’re even the same kind!
David: Well, I thought maybe you could use them together.. or something..
Victoria: Oh, I will! I will!
David: Do you really like them?
Victoria: Honey, I do. They’re from you, and that’s all that reallymatters.
David: Well, they are pretty nice..
Victoria: So are you. [ kisses him ]
David: Well, you know what I’m gonna do? I think I’m gonna go upon the big mountain, and I’m gonna check out my telescope. And I’ll beback.. oh! [ checks watch ] I’ll be back at 4 o’clock!
Victoria: Okay. Oh, David?
David: Yeah?
Victoria: Oh.. never mind..
[ David walks off to play with telescope. Victoria stays behind, pulls abush apart to reveal a motor scooter she made for him ] [ fade out ]
Trying to find this episode. Thanks for having the transcript. My friend is just like this and I mentioned this skit. I’ll show it to her. So funny.
I have a friend exactly like this too – also was trying to find the video. So happy this is here – – the humor still comes through!