Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 2
95b: Chevy Chase / Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories
The Blame Game
Sparky Griffin…..Mark McKinney
John Robbins…..Chevy Chase
Jamal Thompson…..Tim Meadows
Paula…..Nancy Walls
Sparky Griffin: Hello, everybody, and welcome, once again, to “The Blame Game”. I’m Sparky Griffin. I didn’t pick the name, they just hung it on me when I was born. Okay! Let’s meet our first contestant. We have a businessman who’s a member of the Suburban Homeowner’s Committee, a husband and a father – John Robbins. Come on out, John! [ John steps up to his podium ] John, tell me a little about this Suburban Homeowner’s Committee. What do you do?
John Robbins: Well, basically, we stop people from putting up things we don’t like.
Sparky Griffin: Oh? Well, good for you! Okay! And now, let’s meet our other contestant – Jamal Thompson. Jamal? [ Jamal steps up to his podium ] Now, it says here that you’re a husband and a father, a member of the Nubian Neighborhood Coalition and the African-American Reparations Committee. Welcome, Jamal.
Jamal Thompson: Hello there, Sir.
Sparky Griffin: So, what does your work on the Reparations Committee involve?
Jamal Thompson: Well, Sir, basically, we seek reparation from the white government for what they’ve stolen from the black man.
John Robbins: Good! Then I’ll send you a bill for the Club on my steering wheel!
Jamal Thompson: Why don’t you go put on a pair of Docker’s and watch another episode of “Mad About You”?
Sparky Griffin: O-kay! Well, I guess we should start the game! Now, the first round is worth 50 points, and our first category is “Famous Accidents”.
John Robbins: [ hitting the buzzer prematurely ] I’m sorry.
Sparky Griffin: Do you want to wait for the question? Okay. Who was responsible for the Chicago Fire of 1871? [ John hits his buzzer ] John?
John Robbins: Was there a looting afterwards?
Jamal Thompson: No, embezzling.
Sparky Griffin: Okay, Jamal, that’s your turn.
Jamal Thompson: Finally. 300 years later.
John Robbins: Here we go again, same old song and dance!
Jamal Thompson: Listen, Sir, I neither sing nor dance!
Sparky Griffin: Alright, let’s calm down here. The answer was a cow, a multi-colored cow.
John Robbins: A multi-colored cow? What are you, a liberal?
Jamal Thompson: What are you, racist?
Sparky Griffin: No, I am a game show host. A game show host. No points there. Alright, next question: Who was responsible for the development of the Atomic Bomb? [ Jamal hits his buzzer ] Jamal?
Jamal Thompson: That is a Eurocentric question, probably made by a panel of white European males. It has no relevance to me or the African people!
Sparky Griffin: Ah. Okay, I’ll take that as “Don’t Know.”
John Robbins: Well, I would know, but I couldn’t get into a good college because of affirmative action.
Sparky Griffin: Alright, I’m sorry. The correct answer was Robert Oppenheimer.
John Robbins: Figures.
Jamal Thompson: Figures.
Sparky Griffin: Alright. [ John hits his buzzer ] I’m sorry – what that sound means is that it’s time for the Lightning Round, [ John gives a quizzical look ] where we give you a problem, and you tell us who you feel is responsible. Jamal?
Jamal Thompson: Alright, let’s do it!
Sparky Griffin: Alright. Drugs.
Jamal Thompson: White people!
Sparky Griffin: Unemployment.
Jamal Thompson: White people!
Sparky Griffin: O.J.’s murder trial.
Jamal Thompson: Whitey!
Sparky Griffin: Inflation.
Jamal Thompson: Korean grocers!
Sparky Griffin: Ooh. Okay, Jamal, very good. On a Blame Scale, you scored 100 points. Now, it’s your turn, John. Are you ready?
John Robbins: Ready! [ hits his buzzer ]
Sparky Griffin: Overpopulation.
John Robbins: The Chinaman.
Sparky Griffin: Immigration.
John Robbins: Mexicans.
Sparky Griffin: The deficit
John Robbins: The Jews.
Sparky Griffin: Crime
John Robbins: [ laughs and points to Jamal ]
Sparky Griffin: Okay, well, you also scored perfectly! Nobody wins, because we’re out of time, but you will receive a consolation prize. Paula, come out here, honey, and show them what they’ve won.
[ Paula holds up the prize on another part of the set ]Paula: Don’t patronize me. My name isn’t “Honey.” You’ve won a clock!
John Robbins: What a bitch!
Jamal Thompson: Yeah, she probably wants to be a man!
Sparky Griffin: Well, they want to do everything a man does, but they aren’t capable. Then you accidentally walk into the ladies room naked, and they file charges. So, what are you gonna do? Okay! Well, tune in next week, everybody, and, until then, when something goes wrong in your life, it’s not your fault, because..
Everyone: “I.. Blame.. You!”
