Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 6
97f: Clare Danes / Mariah Carey
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
… Norm Macdonald
Joe Blow … Colin Quinn
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacdonald!
[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Norm Macdonald,in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.]Norm Macdonald: I’m Norm Macdonald, now the -[pause] – fake news, our top story tonight:
As the war of words between the U.S. and Iraqcontinues to heat up, President Clinton today sent hislatest blunt message to Saddam Hussein. Quote, “As ourtwo nations appear headed toward military conflict,let history record that all this could have beenavoided with a simple fifty thousand dollarcontribution to the Democratic National Committee. …The blood is on your hands.” …
In Sacramento this week, jury selection began in thetrial of accused Unabomber Ted Kaczynski and appearsto be moving briskly. In fact, lawyers for the defensehad only one question for each prospective juror:”What is your mailing address?” …
Just days after she was freed by a Massachusettsjudge, British nanny Louise Woodward has receivednumerous job offers from families seeking an aupair. Although her attorneys refuse to sayprecisely who has made these offers, speculation hassurfaced that JonBenet Ramsey’s parents are expecting…. [stunned silence, groans, boos, light laughter]Yeah, they’re gonna have a little bundle of joy therein their life. …
A frightening moment this week for First Lady HillaryClinton. Her plane, en route to the former SovietUnion, was forced to make an emergency landing when itwas discovered that a frayed wire in the engine wascausing serious malfunctions. The president was saidto be furious and demanded an immediate investigationof what went wrong with “Operation: Frayed Wire.”…
There was outrage in Detroit this week when Dr. JackKevorkian helped a woman commit suicide in a localchurch, leaving her body inside the church building.According to Kevorkian, murdering people in his vanhas almost completely lost its sense of blasphemy. …[mild reaction from crowd]
Man in the Audience: [shouts] Norm!
Norm Macdonald: [waves] Hello, hi, how are ya?…
In a statement with profound legal implications, theFBI announced this week that for the first time, itsexperts can now identify an individual with onehundred per cent accuracy through his DNA. And,really, when you think about it, the timing could nothave been better, said former football great O. J.Simpson. … [mild reaction, someone boos] Hewas good on the gridiron. …
A celebrated Hollywood cosmetic surgeon, whose clientsinclude Michael Jackson, Phyllis Diller and JoanRivers, has been accused of fondling patients whilethey were under anesthesia. The case has legal expertswondering: who is the real victim here?…
In Bridgeport, Connecticut, Robert Auger, who suffersfrom emphysema blew up his home trying to smoke acigarette while breathing with an oxygen tank. … Inresponse, the R. J. Reynolds company has presented himwith its lifetime achievement award. …
Norm Macdonald: And now, folks, with the localnews, our old friend, Joe Blow! Hey, Joey.
[Cheers and applause as we pan over to Joe, a glum,middle-aged, blue collar working class guy in aplumber’s outfit. He clutches a black metal lunch boxwhich has an American flag decal on it.]Joe Blow: Thanks, Norm. Thanks, Norm. In localnews, I was the only one with a flag flyin’ off myhouse on Veteran’s Day. Seen more American flags onthe news footage from Iraq. In block news, the guynext door to me, his wife is sellin’ Tupperware out ofthe house while the son is sellin’ drugs out o’ thegarage. I called the cops on ’em. They let the son go.Meanwhile, the wife is doin’ two years for income taxevasion. …
In educational news, my wife won’t send my youngestgirl to Catholic school ’cause the teachers hit thekids. So we sent her to public school where the kidshit the teachers. …
My daughter got thrown out for tryin’ to pray ’causeyou can’t pray in public school, only Catholic school.Public school, ya get shot, stabbed — that’s where yaneed to pray. Right, Norm?
Norm Macdonald: [off screen] Yep. …
Joe Blow: [nods grimly] In international news,I go around the corner to the Rose o’ Tralee, theIrish bar. It’s run by three Spanish guys now. ThePegan brothers, Norm. The Pegan brothers. You walk in,sometimes you’re the only one not wearin’ a fishnetT-shirt. … They even changed the jukebox. E-7 usedto be “Wild Colonial Boy” – now, it’s the Theme from”Carlito’s Way.” I go next door to the pizzeria, theygot two Arabs behind the counter. You gotta make surethey don’t give ya a slice off the old pie. I want thefresh one, the one underneath. They won’t let ya seewhich pizza it comes off behind the counter. They keepit hidden from you like you’re a U.N. chemical weaponsinspector. …
The neighborhood’s changin’, Norm. In the old days,there used to be a gin mill on every corner.
Norm Macdonald: Yeah. Well, it sounds like itwas a great place to raise children. …
Joe Blow: [nods] You said it, Norm. In sports,my oldest daughter is boxin’ and liftin’ weights whilemy oldest son teaches Afro-Cuban step funk at LucilleRoberts. … In the meantime, my doctor tells me I gotthe cardiovascular system of Bill Parcells. … Indomestic news, my wife thinks I need a second job, mydaughter thinks I need psychiatric help and myyoungest son throws me gang signs at the dinner table…. He wants to join a gang, Norm — the Bloods. He’sgot the red bandana, the knife. Norm, when I wasgrowin’ up, a red bandana and a knife meant you werein the Boy Scouts.
Norm Macdonald: Yeah, well, sadly enough, gangsare a big thing nowadays, Joe.
Joe Blow: I was in a gang myself, Norm. You’renot talkin’ to Zeke from the Creek over here. … Iwas in a gang. The Coronets, Norm. The Coronets. …[makes a fist] We gave out some pinochle-in’s in thosedays, Norm, but we did it like gentlemen.
Norm Macdonald: [trying to wrap things up]Well, I guess that’s about that, huh, Joe?
Joe Blow: Hey, Norm! What’s the skinny on thatbeer?
Norm Macdonald: [uncomfortable] Beer?
Joe Blow: The beer that we never had.
Norm Macdonald: Oh.
Joe Blow: Yeah. What do you say, after this, wego down to the Rose of Tralee, you know, have a beer,you take a couple of pictures with the Pegan brothers,maybe sign their dominoes table. …
Norm Macdonald: [not crazy about the idea,tries to be polite] Well, that sounds like a plan,Joe. That – that sounds like a plan. Joe Blow,everybody!
In Washington, D. C., several local activists aretrying to gather enough signatures by December to puta medical marijuana initiative on the ballot.Meanwhile, one local activist is trying to do the samething for medical crack. [Photo ofcrack-smokin’ D. C. mayor Marion Barry] …
The WNBA officially expanded to ten teams this week,adding franchises in Detroit and Washington, D. C. Butbefore you get too excited about the new additions tothe league, remember: all of the players are stillwomen. … [weak reaction from crowd, Normexplains:] They stink at basketball, that’s theproblem. … Other than that, it’d be a good, youknow, a good game but they’re – they’re allhorrible so it makes for a – kind of aboring game. …
Four Wisconsin men have been charged with felony hatecrimes after burning a man’s buggy simply because hewas Amish. If convicted, the men face up totwenty-five years in prison. But furious Amish leaderssay that is NOT enough. They want the dunking wheel!…
[Photo of a blue gown on a dressmaker’s dummy, with ahandwritten sign visible on a post in the background]A Tampa businesswoman who bought several of PrincessDiana’s gowns as a collector is now putting them ondisplay to raise money for charity. However, hermethod of display is being described by many asinappropriate. [Closer view of sign which reads: “SeeDead Lady’s Dress 50¢”] … [almost zero reaction fromcrowd, groans, someone says, “Oh, man!” in disbelief]Still, for four bits, you know, that’s a good deal….According to a recent study published in New Choicesmagazine, the more household chores a husband does,the more likely his wife is to report having good sex.The article explains that when a man does asubstantial amount of housework, it gives his wifesome time to go out and find a real man to have sexwith. …
And, in Sugarland, Texas, a Florida-bound Amtrak traincollided with the back of a tractor trailer carryingbagged sand. Thankfully, no serious injuries werereported. However, the accident did draw protest fromthe group People for the Ethical Treatment of Sand…. [almost zero reaction, groans] Yeah. Thosepeople. …
And finally, in Burien, Washington, elementary schoolteacher Mary Kay LeTourneau pled guilty this week tohaving sex with a sixth grade student whose child shebore in May. Miss LeTourneau has been branded as a”sex offender” or, as the kids refer to her, “TheGreatest Teacher Ever.” … [applause, cheers]
And that’s it, folks.
[Norm starts to unclasp the microphone from hisnecktie. Music, cheers and applause as we dissolve tothe WU graphic.]Submitted Anonymously
