97f: Clare Danes / Mariah Carey
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
... Norm Macdonald
Joe Blow ... Colin Quinn
[Music. GRAPHIC: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm
[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Norm Macdonald,
in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.]
Norm Macdonald: I'm Norm Macdonald, now the -
[pause] - fake news, our top story tonight:
As the war of words between the U.S. and Iraq
continues to heat up, President Clinton today sent his
latest blunt message to Saddam Hussein. Quote, "As our
two nations appear headed toward military conflict,
let history record that all this could have been
avoided with a simple fifty thousand dollar
contribution to the Democratic National Committee. ...
The blood is on your hands." ...
In Sacramento this week, jury selection began in the
trial of accused Unabomber Ted Kaczynski and appears
to be moving briskly. In fact, lawyers for the defense
had only one question for each prospective juror:
"What is your mailing address?" ...
Just days after she was freed by a Massachusetts
judge, British nanny Louise Woodward has received
numerous job offers from families seeking an au
pair. Although her attorneys refuse to say
precisely who has made these offers, speculation has
surfaced that JonBenet Ramsey's parents are expecting.
... [stunned silence, groans, boos, light laughter]
Yeah, they're gonna have a little bundle of joy there
in their life. ...
A frightening moment this week for First Lady Hillary
Clinton. Her plane, en route to the former Soviet
Union, was forced to make an emergency landing when it
was discovered that a frayed wire in the engine was
causing serious malfunctions. The president was said
to be furious and demanded an immediate investigation
of what went wrong with "Operation: Frayed Wire."
There was outrage in Detroit this week when Dr. Jack
Kevorkian helped a woman commit suicide in a local
church, leaving her body inside the church building.
According to Kevorkian, murdering people in his van
has almost completely lost its sense of blasphemy. ...
[mild reaction from crowd]
Man in the Audience: [shouts] Norm!
Norm Macdonald: [waves] Hello, hi, how are ya?
In a statement with profound legal implications, the
FBI announced this week that for the first time, its
experts can now identify an individual with one
hundred per cent accuracy through his DNA. And,
really, when you think about it, the timing could not
have been better, said former football great O. J.
Simpson. ... [mild reaction, someone boos] He
was good on the gridiron. ...
A celebrated Hollywood cosmetic surgeon, whose clients
include Michael Jackson, Phyllis Diller and Joan
Rivers, has been accused of fondling patients while
they were under anesthesia. The case has legal experts
wondering: who is the real victim here?
In Bridgeport, Connecticut, Robert Auger, who suffers
from emphysema blew up his home trying to smoke a
cigarette while breathing with an oxygen tank. ... In
response, the R. J. Reynolds company has presented him
with its lifetime achievement award. ...
Norm Macdonald: And now, folks, with the local
news, our old friend, Joe Blow! Hey, Joey.
[Cheers and applause as we pan over to Joe, a glum,
middle-aged, blue collar working class guy in a
plumber's outfit. He clutches a black metal lunch box
which has an American flag decal on it.]
Joe Blow: Thanks, Norm. Thanks, Norm. In local
news, I was the only one with a flag flyin' off my
house on Veteran's Day. Seen more American flags on
the news footage from Iraq. In block news, the guy
next door to me, his wife is sellin' Tupperware out of
the house while the son is sellin' drugs out o' the
garage. I called the cops on 'em. They let the son go.
Meanwhile, the wife is doin' two years for income tax
In educational news, my wife won't send my youngest
girl to Catholic school 'cause the teachers hit the
kids. So we sent her to public school where the kids
hit the teachers. ...
My daughter got thrown out for tryin' to pray 'cause
you can't pray in public school, only Catholic school.
Public school, ya get shot, stabbed -- that's where ya
need to pray. Right, Norm?
Norm Macdonald: [off screen] Yep. ...
Joe Blow: [nods grimly] In international news,
I go around the corner to the Rose o' Tralee, the
Irish bar. It's run by three Spanish guys now. The
Pegan brothers, Norm. The Pegan brothers. You walk in,
sometimes you're the only one not wearin' a fishnet
T-shirt. ... They even changed the jukebox. E-7 used
to be "Wild Colonial Boy" - now, it's the Theme from
"Carlito's Way." I go next door to the pizzeria, they
got two Arabs behind the counter. You gotta make sure
they don't give ya a slice off the old pie. I want the
fresh one, the one underneath. They won't let ya see
which pizza it comes off behind the counter. They keep
it hidden from you like you're a U.N. chemical weapons
The neighborhood's changin', Norm. In the old days,
there used to be a gin mill on every corner.
Norm Macdonald: Yeah. Well, it sounds like it
was a great place to raise children. ...
Joe Blow: [nods] You said it, Norm. In sports,
my oldest daughter is boxin' and liftin' weights while
my oldest son teaches Afro-Cuban step funk at Lucille
Roberts. ... In the meantime, my doctor tells me I got
the cardiovascular system of Bill Parcells. ... In
domestic news, my wife thinks I need a second job, my
daughter thinks I need psychiatric help and my
youngest son throws me gang signs at the dinner table.
... He wants to join a gang, Norm -- the Bloods. He's
got the red bandana, the knife. Norm, when I was
growin' up, a red bandana and a knife meant you were
in the Boy Scouts.
Norm Macdonald: Yeah, well, sadly enough, gangs
are a big thing nowadays, Joe.
Joe Blow: I was in a gang myself, Norm. You're
not talkin' to Zeke from the Creek over here. ... I
was in a gang. The Coronets, Norm. The Coronets. ...
[makes a fist] We gave out some pinochle-in's in those
days, Norm, but we did it like gentlemen.
Norm Macdonald: [trying to wrap things up]
Well, I guess that's about that, huh, Joe?
Joe Blow: Hey, Norm! What's the skinny on that
Norm Macdonald: [uncomfortable] Beer?
Joe Blow: The beer that we never had.
Norm Macdonald: Oh.
Joe Blow: Yeah. What do you say, after this, we
go down to the Rose of Tralee, you know, have a beer,
you take a couple of pictures with the Pegan brothers,
maybe sign their dominoes table. ...
Norm Macdonald: [not crazy about the idea,
tries to be polite] Well, that sounds like a plan,
Joe. That - that sounds like a plan. Joe Blow,
[Cheers and applause for Joe. A new camera angle
catches Norm off guard, he flinches in surprise, puts
a hand to his lips effeminately, then gathers himself
In Washington, D. C., several local activists are
trying to gather enough signatures by December to put
a medical marijuana initiative on the ballot.
Meanwhile, one local activist is trying to do the same
thing for medical crack. [Photo of
crack-smokin' D. C. mayor Marion Barry] ...
The WNBA officially expanded to ten teams this week,
adding franchises in Detroit and Washington, D. C. But
before you get too excited about the new additions to
the league, remember: all of the players are still
women. ... [weak reaction from crowd, Norm
explains:] They stink at basketball, that's the
problem. ... Other than that, it'd be a good, you
know, a good game but they're - they're all
horrible so it makes for a - kind of a
boring game. ...
Four Wisconsin men have been charged with felony hate
crimes after burning a man's buggy simply because he
was Amish. If convicted, the men face up to
twenty-five years in prison. But furious Amish leaders
say that is NOT enough. They want the dunking wheel!
[Photo of a blue gown on a dressmaker's dummy, with a
handwritten sign visible on a post in the background]
A Tampa businesswoman who bought several of Princess
Diana's gowns as a collector is now putting them on
display to raise money for charity. However, her
method of display is being described by many as
inappropriate. [Closer view of sign which reads: "See
Dead Lady's Dress 50¢"] ... [almost zero reaction from
crowd, groans, someone says, "Oh, man!" in disbelief]
Still, for four bits, you know, that's a good deal.
According to a recent study published in New Choices
magazine, the more household chores a husband does,
the more likely his wife is to report having good sex.
The article explains that when a man does a
substantial amount of housework, it gives his wife
some time to go out and find a real man to have sex
And, in Sugarland, Texas, a Florida-bound Amtrak train
collided with the back of a tractor trailer carrying
bagged sand. Thankfully, no serious injuries were
reported. However, the accident did draw protest from
the group People for the Ethical Treatment of Sand.
... [almost zero reaction, groans] Yeah. Those
And finally, in Burien, Washington, elementary school
teacher Mary Kay LeTourneau pled guilty this week to
having sex with a sixth grade student whose child she
bore in May. Miss LeTourneau has been branded as a
"sex offender" or, as the kids refer to her, "The
Greatest Teacher Ever." ... [applause, cheers]
And that's it, folks.
[Norm starts to unclasp the microphone from his
necktie. Music, cheers and applause as we dissolve to
the WU graphic.]