97f: Clare Danes / Mariah Carey

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

... Norm Macdonald
Joe Blow ... Colin Quinn

[Music. GRAPHIC: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MACDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm Macdonald!

[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Norm Macdonald, in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.]

Norm Macdonald: I'm Norm Macdonald, now the - [pause] - fake news, our top story tonight:

As the war of words between the U.S. and Iraq continues to heat up, President Clinton today sent his latest blunt message to Saddam Hussein. Quote, "As our two nations appear headed toward military conflict, let history record that all this could have been avoided with a simple fifty thousand dollar contribution to the Democratic National Committee. ... The blood is on your hands." ...

In Sacramento this week, jury selection began in the trial of accused Unabomber Ted Kaczynski and appears to be moving briskly. In fact, lawyers for the defense had only one question for each prospective juror: "What is your mailing address?" ...

Just days after she was freed by a Massachusetts judge, British nanny Louise Woodward has received numerous job offers from families seeking an au pair. Although her attorneys refuse to say precisely who has made these offers, speculation has surfaced that JonBenet Ramsey's parents are expecting. ... [stunned silence, groans, boos, light laughter] Yeah, they're gonna have a little bundle of joy there in their life. ...

A frightening moment this week for First Lady Hillary Clinton. Her plane, en route to the former Soviet Union, was forced to make an emergency landing when it was discovered that a frayed wire in the engine was causing serious malfunctions. The president was said to be furious and demanded an immediate investigation of what went wrong with "Operation: Frayed Wire." ...

There was outrage in Detroit this week when Dr. Jack Kevorkian helped a woman commit suicide in a local church, leaving her body inside the church building. According to Kevorkian, murdering people in his van has almost completely lost its sense of blasphemy. ... [mild reaction from crowd]

Man in the Audience: [shouts] Norm!

Norm Macdonald: [waves] Hello, hi, how are ya? ...

In a statement with profound legal implications, the FBI announced this week that for the first time, its experts can now identify an individual with one hundred per cent accuracy through his DNA. And, really, when you think about it, the timing could not have been better, said former football great O. J. Simpson. ... [mild reaction, someone boos] He was good on the gridiron. ...

A celebrated Hollywood cosmetic surgeon, whose clients include Michael Jackson, Phyllis Diller and Joan Rivers, has been accused of fondling patients while they were under anesthesia. The case has legal experts wondering: who is the real victim here? ...

In Bridgeport, Connecticut, Robert Auger, who suffers from emphysema blew up his home trying to smoke a cigarette while breathing with an oxygen tank. ... In response, the R. J. Reynolds company has presented him with its lifetime achievement award. ...

Norm Macdonald: And now, folks, with the local news, our old friend, Joe Blow! Hey, Joey.

[Cheers and applause as we pan over to Joe, a glum, middle-aged, blue collar working class guy in a plumber's outfit. He clutches a black metal lunch box which has an American flag decal on it.]

Joe Blow: Thanks, Norm. Thanks, Norm. In local news, I was the only one with a flag flyin' off my house on Veteran's Day. Seen more American flags on the news footage from Iraq. In block news, the guy next door to me, his wife is sellin' Tupperware out of the house while the son is sellin' drugs out o' the garage. I called the cops on 'em. They let the son go. Meanwhile, the wife is doin' two years for income tax evasion. ...

In educational news, my wife won't send my youngest girl to Catholic school 'cause the teachers hit the kids. So we sent her to public school where the kids hit the teachers. ...

My daughter got thrown out for tryin' to pray 'cause you can't pray in public school, only Catholic school. Public school, ya get shot, stabbed -- that's where ya need to pray. Right, Norm?

Norm Macdonald: [off screen] Yep. ...

Joe Blow: [nods grimly] In international news, I go around the corner to the Rose o' Tralee, the Irish bar. It's run by three Spanish guys now. The Pegan brothers, Norm. The Pegan brothers. You walk in, sometimes you're the only one not wearin' a fishnet T-shirt. ... They even changed the jukebox. E-7 used to be "Wild Colonial Boy" - now, it's the Theme from "Carlito's Way." I go next door to the pizzeria, they got two Arabs behind the counter. You gotta make sure they don't give ya a slice off the old pie. I want the fresh one, the one underneath. They won't let ya see which pizza it comes off behind the counter. They keep it hidden from you like you're a U.N. chemical weapons inspector. ...

The neighborhood's changin', Norm. In the old days, there used to be a gin mill on every corner.

Norm Macdonald: Yeah. Well, it sounds like it was a great place to raise children. ...

Joe Blow: [nods] You said it, Norm. In sports, my oldest daughter is boxin' and liftin' weights while my oldest son teaches Afro-Cuban step funk at Lucille Roberts. ... In the meantime, my doctor tells me I got the cardiovascular system of Bill Parcells. ... In domestic news, my wife thinks I need a second job, my daughter thinks I need psychiatric help and my youngest son throws me gang signs at the dinner table. ... He wants to join a gang, Norm -- the Bloods. He's got the red bandana, the knife. Norm, when I was growin' up, a red bandana and a knife meant you were in the Boy Scouts.

Norm Macdonald: Yeah, well, sadly enough, gangs are a big thing nowadays, Joe.

Joe Blow: I was in a gang myself, Norm. You're not talkin' to Zeke from the Creek over here. ... I was in a gang. The Coronets, Norm. The Coronets. ... [makes a fist] We gave out some pinochle-in's in those days, Norm, but we did it like gentlemen.

Norm Macdonald: [trying to wrap things up] Well, I guess that's about that, huh, Joe?

Joe Blow: Hey, Norm! What's the skinny on that beer?

Norm Macdonald: [uncomfortable] Beer?

Joe Blow: The beer that we never had.

Norm Macdonald: Oh.

Joe Blow: Yeah. What do you say, after this, we go down to the Rose of Tralee, you know, have a beer, you take a couple of pictures with the Pegan brothers, maybe sign their dominoes table. ...

Norm Macdonald: [not crazy about the idea, tries to be polite] Well, that sounds like a plan, Joe. That - that sounds like a plan. Joe Blow, everybody!

[Cheers and applause for Joe. A new camera angle catches Norm off guard, he flinches in surprise, puts a hand to his lips effeminately, then gathers himself and continues:]

In Washington, D. C., several local activists are trying to gather enough signatures by December to put a medical marijuana initiative on the ballot. Meanwhile, one local activist is trying to do the same thing for medical crack. [Photo of crack-smokin' D. C. mayor Marion Barry] ...

The WNBA officially expanded to ten teams this week, adding franchises in Detroit and Washington, D. C. But before you get too excited about the new additions to the league, remember: all of the players are still women. ... [weak reaction from crowd, Norm explains:] They stink at basketball, that's the problem. ... Other than that, it'd be a good, you know, a good game but they're - they're all horrible so it makes for a - kind of a boring game. ...

Four Wisconsin men have been charged with felony hate crimes after burning a man's buggy simply because he was Amish. If convicted, the men face up to twenty-five years in prison. But furious Amish leaders say that is NOT enough. They want the dunking wheel! ...

[Photo of a blue gown on a dressmaker's dummy, with a handwritten sign visible on a post in the background] A Tampa businesswoman who bought several of Princess Diana's gowns as a collector is now putting them on display to raise money for charity. However, her method of display is being described by many as inappropriate. [Closer view of sign which reads: "See Dead Lady's Dress 50¢"] ... [almost zero reaction from crowd, groans, someone says, "Oh, man!" in disbelief] Still, for four bits, you know, that's a good deal. ...

According to a recent study published in New Choices magazine, the more household chores a husband does, the more likely his wife is to report having good sex. The article explains that when a man does a substantial amount of housework, it gives his wife some time to go out and find a real man to have sex with. ...

And, in Sugarland, Texas, a Florida-bound Amtrak train collided with the back of a tractor trailer carrying bagged sand. Thankfully, no serious injuries were reported. However, the accident did draw protest from the group People for the Ethical Treatment of Sand. ... [almost zero reaction, groans] Yeah. Those people. ...

And finally, in Burien, Washington, elementary school teacher Mary Kay LeTourneau pled guilty this week to having sex with a sixth grade student whose child she bore in May. Miss LeTourneau has been branded as a "sex offender" or, as the kids refer to her, "The Greatest Teacher Ever." ... [applause, cheers]

And that's it, folks.

[Norm starts to unclasp the microphone from his necktie. Music, cheers and applause as we dissolve to the WU graphic.]


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