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Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

…..Dennis Miller
Jimmy Stewart…..Dana Carvey

[ Music Open: “” ]

Anouncer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?

Gary and Lee Hart have announced that, in an effort to reaffirm their love for each other, they will take their marriage vows again and recreate their wedding ceremony. The event will take place in a small chapel just outside of Denver, and Lee said, “We will try to recreate the wedding as faithfully as we can, but we’ll probably skip the rice thing.”

You know, in retrospect, it’s a shame Gary Hart had to drop out of the campaign, because, while I never saw it before, for a while there last week, he really did remind me of Jack Kennedy.

You know, this might seem like a strange coincidence, but we did find this classifed ad in the Miami Herald personal section this week: “Single 28 yr old-Phi Beta Kappa blonde actress/model. Seeks horny famous man. Smokers and Democrats need not apply.”

Yesterday, reporters were taken on a tour of the Presidential Suite at the PTL’s Heritage Grand Hotel, used by former PTL Chairman Jim Bakker and his wife Tammy Fae. It’s a lavish layout with antique furniture, crystal chandeliers, gold plumbing fixtures, fifty-foot closets, and other regal trappings. Gee.. imagine what God’s place must look like.

You know, it was revealed this week that $92 million in funds are missing from the PTL’s coffers. Boy, these people are really gonna have to face the music some day, because, of all the sins in the universe, I gotta think skimming from God is right up there with the worst of them, huh?

In the privacy of an airborne Air Force One yesterday, President Reagan held a secret meeting with the ghost of former CIA director William Casey, where he listened intently as Casey detailed plans for bugging God’s office.

Yesterday, Fawn Hall was accused of sneaking classified documents out of the White House by hiding them in her underwear. However, Fawn is in the clear, since Oliver North was wearing her underwear at the time.

New York City is backing an ad campaign geared to warning heterosexual women about therisk of AIDS. This is one of the posters. She says, “I hope he doesn’t have AIDS.” and he says, “I hope she doesn’t have AIDS.” And it’s captioned, “You can’t live on hope.” To broaden the base of the appeal, a plan is under way to use nationally syndicated cartoon characters. Here’s a panel from a Nancy cartoon, in which Sluggo is thinking, “I hope she doesn’t have AIDS.” and Nancy is caught thinking, “I hope he doesn’t have a penis.”

You know, Weekend Update asked 100 doctors, if they were stranded on a desert island what pain reliever they would like to have handy, and 4 out of 5 doctors said they’d choose whatever McFarlane was on at the hearings.

Disneyland now has its own currency, Disney dollars, signed by Scrooge McDuck and usable as legal tender. However, there was panic in Anaheim this week when 10 million Disney dollars mysteriously disappeared. Fears were soon calmed, though, when it was learned the money had been misplaced by Goofy, the Magic Kingdom CPA.

Following the appearance of such figures as Woody Allen and Ginger Rogers, at Congressional hearings on movie colorizing, representative Richard Gephardt, Missouri Democrat and presidential hopeful, said he would introduce legislation aimed at ending the colorizing of motion picture classics. Those in the political arena are amazed that Gephardt would spearhead this effort, since he is the one entity in the universe impervious to colorization.

Dennis Miller: And now, with an editorial on the colorization of black and white movies, here is special Weekend Update guest commentator Jimmy Stewart. Nice to see you, Jimmy!

Jimmy Stewart: It’s good to see you, too, Jimmy. It’s good to see you. You look fine! Alright.

Well, let me get on with what I want to say here. Now, now, folks, I know you’ve been hearing a lot about this thing they call.. colorization. Now.. yeah, that’s what they call it. Now, if-if-if you don’t know what it is, it-it-it’s where they take a black and white movie – wh-which is perfectly fine the way it is – and, wi-wi-with a computer, a guy presses dommbie-doombie-doombie, and then the damn thing’s in color all of a sudden! Doombie-doombie, right to color.

Now, the cinematographers on-on-on these pictures, they’re artists! And-and-and their work’s being sabotaged by a bnch of high-tech bushwhackers, if you ask my, my opinion on th-this whole thing here. B-b-but who are these people? I mean, what else are they gonna do? Are they gonna take the Mona Lisa and paint a bigger smile on the gal? “Th-th-there you go, Mona, you’re happier now!” Yeah.

Wh-wh-what else are they gonna do? Are they gonna go over to Egypt and chop the top off of a pyramid and put a condo up there? “L-l-look, honey, from the bedroom, you can see the Nile!” And, like that.

You know, I-I-I mean, th-th-these people, they-they just make me so mad, you know? I mean, some things are just better left the way they are, if you aks me! These little punks, they just, they make my skin crawl! If-if-if I saw one of those punks trying to doombie-doombie to my movie, I-I-I.. well, I’d kick his ass! Now, just stop messing with my movies, that’s all I’m saying! Just leave them the way they are, they’re not meant to change! There’s no reason why you have to –

Dennis Miller: Take it easy, Jimmy.

Jimmy Stewart: I’m sorry Dennis, it’s just that I’m mighty peeved. And, no offense to you, you know we’re very good friends, but don’t push me, Miller, don’t push me! You know, why don’t you just get a haircut? It’s a little long, let me tell you. You might want to trim it there, b-b-but I’m sorry I got a little upset.

Dennis Miller: No, I’m with you. Alright. Jimmy Stewart, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, Jimmy.The Census Department calculates that there are now five billion people on earth, and the number is expected to double by the year 2022 to ten billion people. The department also cautioned that the number of truly interesting people in the world will remain at thirty-eight.

The Bernard Goetz Legal Defense Fund Committee is soliciting five dollar contributions. If a Goetz fundraiser asks you for a donation, just hand it over and get the hell out of there.

Is it just me, or wouldn’t you like to just once see Nancy Reagan dressed up in Frank Gorshwin’s old Riddler costume?

And yesterday, the White House announced it will sell a half-billion dollars worth of F-15 fighter planes to Saudi Arabia, which prompted Yankees owner George Steinbrenner to fire manager Lou Pinella.

Dennis Miller: Hey, guess what, folks? That’s the news, and I am out of here!

SNL Transcripts

Department Store Sketch

Marge Keister…..Jan Hooks
Doug Clipper…..Garry Shandling
Mr. Dingle…..Phil Hartman

[ zoom in on Marge Keister working the counter at department store ]

Marge Keister: Thank you for shopping at Bamburger’s, where a satisfied customer is our only goal! Thank you! Bye bye! [ giggles ]

[ audience applauds wildly as Garry steps out of elevator and smiles acknowedgingly before approaching the counter ]

Marge Keister: May I help you?

Doug Clipper: Oh, yes. Hi. I’m Doug Clipper. And I’d like to return this sweater.

Marge Keister: Okay, fine. Do you have a receipt?

[ Garry flashes a knowing smile at the audience, stifling his need to laugh ]

Doug Clipper: [ laughs anyway ] No. No, I don’t!

Marge Keister: Well, now, I’m sorry, Mr. Clipper. No receipt, no refund. It says it right here. [ points to sign in front of the cash register ]

Garry Shandling: God, is she great, or what? It’s just like being in as department store. Good job, Jan! Jan Hooks, ladies and gentlemen, give her a hand!

[ audience applauds wildly, embarrassing Jan who’s trying to remain in character ]

Marge Keister: Um.. wouldn’t you like to see the manager, Mr. Clipper?

Garry Shandling: [ stone-faced at first ] Oh, right, the manager. [ getting back into character ] Oh, sure.. right.. the manager. [ turns to the audience ] I remember, I first met Jan in Los Angeles, even before she got “Saturday Night Live”. I met her at a party at Kevin Nealon’s house. He’s one of the cast members, he’s gonna be on a little later. I can’t wait to work with him, because he’s a good friend –

[ Jan sticks to her character ]

Marge Keister: Well, then, if you insist, I will call the manager! Mr. Dingle to Register 5! Mr. Dingle to Register 5!

Garry Shandling: Mr. Dingle! What a classic comedy name! Not as good as Shandling, of course.

[ Phil Hartman enters as a store manager, closely resembling .. from “The Jack Benny Show” ]

Mr. Dingle: YE-E-E-E-ESSSS??!!! What seems to be the problem?!

Garry Shandling: [ excited, to the audience ] Is this great casting, or what? Really. Good job, Phil, how’s it going?

Mr. Dingle: [ sticking to his character ] I said, what seems to be the problem?!

Doug Clipper: Oh.. uh.. well.. I have this sweater I’d like to return.

Marge Keister: But, but, but.. he doesn’t have the receipt.

Mr. Dingle: I see! Well, is there something wro-o-o-o-onggg with it?!

Doug Clipper: [ chuckles ] That’s great! Well, as a matter of fact.. it’s too small! [ holds up tiny sweater, laughing ]

Mr. Dingle: Oh, really?! Miss Keister, you don’t suppose Mr. Clipper here is trying to pull the woo-oo-ooll over your eyes?! [ laughs ] Did I make a pun?

Marge Keister: [ giggling ] I believe you did, Mr. Dingle!

Mr. Dingle: We’re sorry, Mr. Clipper, but we simply cannot give you a refund on that sweater!

Garry Shandling: [ to audience ] Ohhh.. they’re not going to take it back. [ audience sympathizes ] I make a great victim, don’t I? You know –

Mr. Dingle: Mr. Clipper! Mr. Clipper!

Marge Keister: Would you like to purchase another sweater, Mr. Clipper?

Mr. Dingle: Or try on some teeny pa-a-a-a-anttsss?!

Garry Shandling: Oh.. oh, right.. sure, Phil.. Jan.. hold on a second. [ walks away from the counter to address the audience ] You know what I hate most about sweaters? People who tie them around their shoulders! I hate those people! They think it looks cool. It looks like they can’t dress themselves! It looks like they’re home, going, “Honey, I can’t get this on.. maybe I’ll just tie it on, nobody will notice.” I always wonder if they have their socks tied around their ankles. Men don’t know how to dress. They should put expiration dates on clothing, so we know when they go out of style. God.. thanks. I love doing sketch comedy, this is great, isn’t it? I think it’s the give and take that’s so special. [ turns back to Phil and Jan ] Thanks, guys! Is this..? It was a great sketch.

Mr. Dingle: Well, thank you for shopping at Bamburger’sssss!!

Jan Hooks: [ removes her wig and glasses ] Give it up, Phil! Forget it!

Phil Hartman: [ groans ]

Jan Hooks: Thanks a lot, Gary! [ trns to exit with Phil ] We have to work the rest of the show with this guy!

[ they exit ]

Garry Shandling: Well, we’re off to a great start, don’t you think? Okay, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Garry Shandling’s Monologue

…..Garry Shandling

Garry Shandling: Thanks a lot, it’s great to be here, thanks! It’s nice to see you, thanks for coming, and it’s great to be here, I’ve always wanted to host “Saturday Night Live”. You know, I grew up with the show, and.. well, sort of. In my twenties, I grew up with the show. And, uh, gee they’ve done comedy that always approached art, and, uh.. Well, alright – I’m just happy to be doing something on Saturday night, that’s the truth!

And, I wasn’t sure what kind of monologue I wanted to do, because, uh.. have you guys seen me do monologues before? [ audience gives light applause ] Yeah. And you’re pretty thrilled about me doing another one, I can tell. And I really didn’t know if I wanted to do a monologue.

And then I called my girlfriend. Actually, it’s my ex-girlfriend. We broke up because we were having huge arguments over ho was the most disappointed. And I said to her, “Should I do a monologue?” And she said, “I can’t take this kind of stuff any more,” and got out of there. We were just approaching that stage where we were comfortable around each other in the relationship. You know that plae, where you start to be yourself? And she would blow her nose, and it made that honking sound. It grosses you out. And I got used to noise – it’ass when the geese hit the window. You know, “I can’t take this any more.” So, I got out of it. A pretty girl, actually. She was a stewardess for Federal Express.

So, uh.. but I met a new girl, who I started to ask about the monologue. I met a new girl at a barbecue, actually, a very pretty girl. Blonde, I think. I’m not sure, her hair was on fire. And all she talked about was herself. You know those kind of girls – “I’m hot. I’m on fire!” You know. “Me, mem me!” You know. “Help me! Put me out!” Jesus. Some sort of Hollywood chick. And I said, “How about me?” So, we go out on a date, and we go dancing. And I’m sure you can tell just by looking at me you can tell I’m a great dancer. [ laughs ] So, the truth is, when I go to a disco or something, I actually picture the video of that song, and dance like they do in the video. Which means, you know, I gotta carry smoke bombs.. you know, I take a wind machine, it’s a whole thing. But I said, “Should I do a monologue?” to this girl. And she said, “Well, I don’t really care what you do.” It was a weird date.

The weirdest date I ever had, I took a girl – this is the one I’ll never forget – I took a girl to see “E.T.” Right? So now, I take this girl to see “E.T.”, we’re in the theater, she couldn’t let herself get into the fantasy of the movie. Right, so you know this one place where the bike with E.T. on it goes up across the moon? This girl yells, “I’m sure!” I’m going, “This isn’t a documentary, honey, that’s not real live footage up there.” She must dream at night and go, “Right. I’ll bet.”

But I don’t want you to think that I haven’t been dating. In fact, just a few weeks ago I made love to a woman for an hour-and-a-half. And.. well, thank you. Well, it was on the day you put the clocks ahead, but that still counts. Well, you should know this about me. I’m not kinky sexually at all. Occasionally, I like to put on a robe and stand in front of a tennis ball machine, but hey! We all have our own thing, you know? Maybe take a few fast ones, maybe hit a couple back.

So, now it’s supposed to be real hip to express your needs in bed, which, boy, I’m just too shy to do, except over the phone to people I don’t know! [ laughs ] Then I can go on forever, even through that loud whistle. So, I said, “Wow, I’m hosting ‘Saturday Night Live’, do I want to do a monologue? What kind of monologue?” And I couldn’t decide if I wanted to do one, so I called my mom. My mom lives in Arizona. I was born in Chicago, raised in Arizona. I moved to Arizona when I was three years old because my brother had asthma. My mother said, “We gotta move, ’cause your brother has asthma.” I said, “Gee, just vacuum!” Because every time someone slaps the couch, the kid has an attack, so.. And my mother actually taught me nothing about sex. I asked, “How do the chemicals mix?” She said, “Just look at the dogs in the front yard.” So, to this day, I’m afraid I’m gonna be hosed down while I’m doing it.

So, I said, “Do I want to do a monologue?” She said, “I really don’t care, son.” So I didn’t know what kind of monologue to do. So I called my dad. And my dad – I grew up with my dad as well. I actually learned to drive on my dad’s lap, did anybody do this? Yeah, I used to sit on his lap and work the wheel, and he’d work the brake. And then I took the exam, and sat on the examiner’s lap. And failed the exam. But he still writes to me, and that’s the good part.

So, the final person I bounced this idea off – I’ve been looking for a house in L.A., and I’m thinking this week I’ve gotta do “Saturday Night Live”, what kind of monologue do I want to do. I said to the realtor who showed me the house. Now, I’ve never bought a house before. She shows me a house, $350,000 on a hill, two bedrooms, she tells me it has a great view. For $350,000, I’d better pen up the curtains and see breasts against the window. So, uh.. yeah, I don’t want to see light for $350,000.

So, anyway, I think I may not actually do a monologue, is what I thought, and move on right to the sketches, how do you feel about that? Because this is really the reason that I wanted to be here, to do the sketches. So why don’t we just get started with the sketches – wish me luck. I’m gonna go over to where I do my first sketch, and this will be great.

Look! Here I am on TV! God, look, there I am! Is that what I look like? Sorry. Come on, I think it’s over here. Oh, look! This is the set where I’m gonna do my first sketch! God, I hope it goes great, because, you know, the first sketch is really a barometer for how well the show’s gonna go. But I feel pretty good about this one, because this is a sketch where I return a sweater to the department store. Wait. There’s a catch. I don’t have the receipt! Is this gonna be great, or what! Alright, I gotta go get into character, and I’ll see you in a minute. Have a good time.

[ exits stage, as cameras zoom into the first sketch ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
May 16th, 1987

Garry Shandling

Los Lobos

Tracy Ullman

Los Lobos, “Is That All There Is”

Iran-Contra Hearings

Robert McFarlane (Phil Hartman) gets upset during Iran-Contra Hearings.

Garry Shandling’s Monologue

Shandling ponders what type of monologue he would like to do.

Department Store Sketch

Shandling ruins department store sketch by breaking character.

The Puppy

Masterful jewel thief The Puppy (Dana Carvey) acts just like a little dog.

Support Group Therapy

Stu (Shandling) tells support group false stories about his mother (Jan Hooks).

Los Lobos performs “Is That All There Is”

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Jimmy Stewart (Dana Carvey) speaks against the colorization of black-and-white films.

Recurring Characters: Jimmy Stewart.

The Teeny Cafe

Babette (Nora Dunn) warms the crowd at her Teeny Cafe.

Recurring Characters: Babette.

Chewing Tobacco Airline

Couple (Shandling, Victoria Jackson) endure flight filled with tobacco chewers.

“Hollywood Mom”

Tracy Ullman’s baby doesn’t share her love for fame.

Anniversary Dinner

Couple (Dana Carvey, Jan Hooks) still fight, despite marriage counseling.

Los Lobos performs “One Time, One Night”

SNL Transcripts

Salmon

Female Salmon…..Victoria Jackson
Male Salmon…..Mark Harmon
Male Salmon #2…..Kevin Nealon

Announcer: The salmon. In terms of strength, endurance and navigational ability, perhaps the most remarkable of God’s creatures. In an odyssey of mythic proportion, they swim downstream to live in the sea. Then, as adults, they make the arduous journey thousands of miles back to the very streams that gave them birth. There, just before they die, they spawn.

[ open on Female Salmon spawning, as Male Salmon swims over ]

Male Salmon: Excuse, me, Miss, but, uh.. can I ask you a question? Are you spawning? ‘Cause.. I just thought if you were, maybe I could join you?

[ Female Salmon swims away in disgust, as Second Male Salmon swims in ]

Male Salmon #2: Hey, Mr. Subtle! Why don’t you just go up and grab her, for Gosh sakes!

Male Salmon: What do you mean?

Male Salmon #2: What I mean is: you know she’s spawning, I know she’s spawning. But you can’t just go, “How about it, Baby?” You gotta be romantic.

Male Salmon: Romantic? I’m gonna die any day now! I don’t have time for romantic!

Male Salmon #2: Look, I’m telling you, it works. I must have spawned with twenty female today. And what time is it now, noon?

Male Salmon: Twenty? Aren’t you afraid of getting.. salmonella?

Male Salmon #2: Aw, forget it!

[ Second Male Salmon swims away ]

Male Salmon: Hmm.. romantic, huh?

[ SUPER: “Later That Day” ]

[ scene dissolves to Female Salmon in another part of the stream, as Male Salmon swims over with a larva in tow ]

Male Salmon: Excuse me.

Female Salmon: [ put off ] Oh, it’s you.

Male Salmon: Yeah, I just wanted to apologize for what I said before. Here. I brought you a little something. [ nudges the larva towards her ]

Female Salmon: Oh? Oh, really? Well, I am kind of hungry. It looks delicious. They’re really hard to find, you know?

Male Salmon: [ blushing ] Oh, that’s okay. It was a stone fly larva. I can find them. I just push over a big rock with my snout, and they’re all over underneath.

Female Salmon: [ smiling ] You can push over rocks with your snout?

Male Salmon: Big ones!

Female Salmon: Wow! You must be strong! I bet that you could break a twenty-pound test!

Male Salmon: Well, I hope I never have to find out – knock on wood!

Female Salmon: [ laughs ]

Male Salmon: So.. you from around here?

Female Salmon: Originally.

Male Salmon: Me, too.

Female Salmon: Oh, yeah, of course. I guess we’re all from around here, or we wouldn’t be here.

Male Salmon: It sure is beautiful, isn’t it?

Female Salmon: Yeah.

Male Salmon: I’d like my smallfry to grow up here.

Female Salmon: Me, too. You know, it’s so depressing downstream. Everybody’s just, “Me, me, me!” It’s like, “What can I eat?”

Male Salmon: Oh, it makes you sick, doesn’t it? I mean, that ocean water really hurts my eyes.

Female Salmon: Me, too.

[ they both start to say something at once ]

Female Salmon: [ laughing ] You go ahead!

Male Salmon: [ laughing ] No. You. You!

Female Salmon: Well.. I was just thinking about that waterfall about three miles back. I didn’t think I was ever gonna get over that thing!

Male Salmon: Oh, tell me about it! Boy! I think the key is, you can’t be afraid to look stupid.

Female Salmon: Really? You know, that’s so true..

Male Salmon: Hey! Watch this! [ he swims a backwards loop around her ]

Female Salmon: Wow! I’m impressed! You’re really good! You know, a lot of those mating dances are so blatant and mindless.

Male Salmon: Thanks!

Female Salmon: You know.. um.. I have a little place over there behind that boulder.

Male Salmon: Really?

Female Salmon: Yeah.. it’s sort of a little area that I hollowed out in ther gravel with my tail. You wouldn’t, uh.. want to come over and see it, would you?

Male Salmon: Well, actually, I was on my way to – Yeah, I’ll go over there.

Female Salmon: Oh, good! It’s just right over there, past that log.

[ she leads the direction, but a bear captures her instead ]

Male Salmon: Hey! Hey! Hey, let her go! Bear!

[ she swims back into the scene, crying ]

Female Salmon: [ in tears ] Did you see that?!

Male Salmon: Are you okay?

Female Salmon: I.. I think so..

Male Salmon: Damn bears! I hate them! You still want to go over to your place?

Female Salmon: Oh, gosh, let’s just do it right here!

Male Salmon: I think we’d better.

Female Salmon: I think so, too.

[ they begin to spawn together, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Einstein Express

Mr. Edwards…Jon Lovitz
Harry Butterworth…Phil Hartman
Einstein Express Clerk…Jan Hooks
Customer…Kevin Nealon

[ Open on Mr. Edwards in his office, answering phone call from his boss, Harry Butterworth ]

Mr. Edwards: Hello?

Harry Butterworth: Edwards, where’s that report?

Mr. Edwards: Report?

Harry Butterworth: It was supposed to be here last week!

Mr. Edwards: Uhh…

Harry Butterworth: You’re fired! [ slams down his phone ]

[ Mr. Edwards, realizing he forgot to send in the report, immediately hangs up and types up the report quickly ]

Announcer: There are lots of overnight express delivery services – Federal Express, Duralater, Emery. They all do a fine job when you’re racing a deadline. But what do you do if you’ve already missed your deadine? When it’s already too late, it’s time to call us. Einstein Express.

[ logo appears on screen ]

[ Mr. Edwards is seen at Einstein Express office, standing in Clerk’s line ]

Clerk: Hello. [ weighs package ] Two pounds. And when does it have to be there?

Mr. Edwards: [ nervous ] Uh.. three days ago?

Clerk: [ checks calendar ] Okay, that’s last Friday.

Announcer: Using a patented superconductor matrix, coupled with Einstein’s theory of space-time continum, we can transport any document or package up to ten pounds into the past.

[ clerk puts package in time machine, sets it to three days ago, sending it into the past. Mr Edwards is amazed. ]

[ SUPER: “Maxinmum time warp: Six months” ]

Announcer: Sure, it costs a little more..

Clerk: That’ll be 57 dollars.

[ Mr. Edwards hands her the money and leaves ]

Announcer: But there are times when nothing else will do.

[ Next Customer comes up, holding a container of birth control pills ]

Customer: I gotta get these pills to my girlfriend.. four months ago.

[ back in Harry Butterworth’s office, Harry is talking to Mr. Edwards on the phone ]

Harry Butterworth: Edwards, I read your report over the weekend. It’s brilliant.. partner!

[ back in Mr. Edwards’ office, Mr Edwards hangs up, feeling relieved ]

Announcer: Einstein Express. When it absolutely, positively, has to be there the day before yesterday.

Thanks to Tony DuMontfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

The New Charlie’s Angels

Donna Rice…..Nora Dunn
Jessica Hahn…..Jan Hooks
Fawn Hall…..Victoria Jackson
John Bosley…..Jon Lovitz
Ted Kennedy…..Phil Hartman
Chase Steele…..Mark Harmon

Announcer: This is the story of three beautiful girls. Jessica.. [ shows Jessica Hahn – SUPER: “Starring Jessica Hahn ] ..Fawn.. [ shows Fawn Hall – SUPER: “Starring Fawn Hall” ] ..and Donna.. [ shows Donna Rice – SUPER: “Starring Donna Rice ]. They were stuck in run-of-the-mill jobs. Church secretary.. [ Jessica Hahn runs from a church ] ..former part-time model turned government secretary.. [ Fawn Hall runs past the White House ] ..and struggling young actress/model [ Donna Rice stands in front of boat yard, later joined by Jessica Hahn and Fawn Hall ]. But all of that changed when they became “The New Charlie’s Angels”. [ shows them in silhoette, explosion behind them ]

[ cut to Office, John Bosley at desk, Fawn and Donna on the couch. Jessica enters ]

Jessica Hahn: Hi, angels!

Fawn Hall and Donna Rice: Hi!

Jessica Hahn: So, I heard there was a parallel. [ sits on John Bosley’s desk ] What’s up, Bos?

John Bosley: Well angels, Charlie called a meeting. [ To Donna ] By the way, Donna, congratulations on Operation Hart Failure.

Donna Rice: Well, thanks Bos, but the funny thing is he never laid a finger on me. Even on the boat trip he just wanted to talk about the issues.

John Bosley: Well, it doesn’t matter. [ goes to bulletin board with pictures of presidential front runners ] Goodbye, Gary! [ crosses out Gary Hart’s picture ] By the way, Jessica..

Jessica Hahn: What?

John Bosley: You played the press like a violin.

Jessica Hahn: Oh, I know, but Jim Bakker was sooo disgusting, ewwww. I drank my own wine.

John Bosley: Well, I don’t think we need to worry about a televangelist president. Goodbye, Pat Robertson! [ crosses out Pat Robertson’s picture ]

Fawn Hall: Bosley, I’m bored. When do I get to testify in that big room?

John Bosley: Relax, Fawn. Your body kept the Iran scam issue on all the papers. Yes sir, Bush is history! [ crosses out George Bush’s picture ]

Jessica Hahn: But Bos, doesn’t the public suspect anything?

John Bosley: No way. The public just thinks they’re a string ofunrelated events. Meanwhile, you’ve knocked out three of the frontrunners. I know Charlie will be very happy about that. [ goes to the phone ] Isn’t that right, Charlie?

Ted Kennedy: [ on the phone in his office, while a woman pours him beer ] Oh that’s for sure. I can’t imagine three more glamouous salvagers than Fawn, Donna, and Jessica.

John Bosley: Well project Phoenix is right on schedule, Charlie.

Ted Kennedy: Yes, now let’s proceed toward our target, the national convention in Atlanta.

Jessica Hahn: Hey Charlie, why did I have to do that thing with Muskie?

Angels: Ewww!

Jessica Hahn: And he wasn’t even running!

Angels: Ewww!

Ted Kennedy: Well, my apologies, Jessica. That was just a clerical error.

Jessica Hahn: Oh.

Ted Kennedy: [ woman in office is now massaging him ] Now, angels, if I may direct your attention to the center court area. [ Chase Steele enters through the doorway ] Say hello to our newest angel, Chase Steele.

Jessica Hahn: Ooh la laa!

[ Jessica, Fawn, and Donna go to Chase ]

Ted Kennedy: Chase, you’ll be relieved to hear I’m taking you off Jack Kemp. Now how about a progress report on Operation Pineapple?

Chase Steele: Well, Senator Dole’s a pretty straight arrow. So I’m going after his wife, Secretary of Transportation. I have a hunch she’ll not mind if I inspect her cargo. [ kisses Jessica, as Donna and Fawn giggle ]

Ted Kennedy: All right, but be careful. In my experience, Republican women are harder to open than a liquor store in Nebraska.

Chase Steele: Charlie, you want Liz Dole, you got her. Just get the reporters there. Twenty minutes alone with me on the New Jersey turnpike, she’ll be underneath the bridge with her dress on up over her head, screaming, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Thanks to Tony DuMontfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
May 9th, 1987

Mark Harmon

Suzanne Vega

None

Suzanne Vega, “Marlene On The Wall”

The New Charlie’s Angels

Mark Harmon’s Monologue

Recurring Characters: Peter Graves, Pat Stevens.

Very Smart Theatre

Iran Contra Hearings

Einstein Express

Suzanne Vega performs “Luka”

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Salmon

“Dave’s Party”

Mark Harmon, the Perfect Spokesman

Ching Change

Recurring Characters: Ching Change.

Suzanne Vega performs “Marlene On The Wall”

Myowling Bible

Novice Sketch Artist

SNL Transcripts

Sold-Out Gold

Daughter…..Victoria Jackson
Father…..Kevin Nealon
David Crosby…..Jon Lovitz

[ open on Father and Daughter dancing to “Good Vibrations” by the Beach Boys ]

Daughter: Wow, Dad, that’s the Sunkist Song!

Father: No, Jennifer, it’s the Beach Boys. I grew up listening to this music!

Daughter: Wow, Dad! You’re cooler than I thought!

Father: You mean now, there’s music we both can enjoy?

[ cut to David Crosby in a recording studio ]

David Crosby: There sure is, man! Hi, I’m David Crosby. Hey, did you know that many of today’s best-loved commercial jingles are actually based on classics from the sixties? Cause they are, man. Now all this great music is available on one collection… [ holds up record SOLD OUT GOLD ] Sold Out Gold! You’ll get great hits like Orange Vibrations.

[ SUPER: “SUNKIST VIBRATIONS – The Beach Boys”, to the tune of “GoodVibrations” ]

“I’m picking up orange vibrations,
Sunkist Orange Soda taste sensations..

David Crosby: Or the Nike Song!

[ SUPER: “THE NIKE SONG – The Beatles”, to the tune of “Revolution” ]

“There’s got to be a revolution
Well, you know…

David Crosby: And if you order now, man, we’ll sell you this additional album.. [ holds up record SOLD OUT BRONZE ] ..Sold Out Bronze! 20 never-before-aired commercials, including this one from Time Magazine.

[ SUPER: “IN-A-TIME-MAGAZINE – Iron Butterfly”, to the tune of”In-a-Gadda-Da-Vida” ]

“In a Time magazine, now baby
It’s got all the news, if you care.

David Crosby: Or this Doors tune for General Electric!
[ SUPER: “GENERAL ELECTRIC – The Doors”, to the tune of “People Are Strange” ]

“Self-cleaning oven,
Digital timer,
Chicken is tasty
When broiled in my range
G.E. range,
Pastries come out all the same,
G.E. range..

David Crosby: And White Shirt!

[ SUPER: “WHITE SHIRT – Jefferson Airplane”, to the tune of “White Rabbit” ]

“One shirt makes you formal,
And one shirt has short sleeves,
Ask Arrow
For your shirt needs.

[ Shown: a picture of the Rolling Stones and a box of Eggo Waffles ]

“Hey you, leggo my eggo!
Hey you, leggo my eggo!
Hey you, leggo my eggo!

David Crosby: Plus, these other Sold-Out Bronze classics!

[ Titles scroll:

“TALKING ABOUT (MY KEN-L-RATION) – The Who”
“(HEY YOU) LEGGO MY EGGO – The Rolling Stones”
“THE WIND CRIES SHASTA – Jimi Hendrix”
“INCENSE AND FEENA-MINTS – Strawberry Alarm Clock”
“JEEP CHEROKEE PEOPLE – Paul Revere and the Raiders”
“WHERE HAVE ALL THE PRINGLES GONE? – Peter, Paul, & Mary” ]

David Crosby: [ holding both albums] I’ve listened to these albums over 300 times, man! Now you can too by ordering today. Here’s how, man:

(bugs his eyes)

Send $19.69 to:
SOLD-OUT GOLD
P.O. Box 1965
Silver Springs, IN, 01965

Or call 1-800-SIX-TIES, yeah.

[ cut back to father and daughter dancing to the tune of “We Gotta GetOut of This Place” ]

“We gotta get out of this place
And take a trip to the Poconos.
We gotta get out of this place..

[ fade to black ]

Thanks to Tony DuMontfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

Heaven’s Database

Deceased…..JohnLarroquette
Angel…..Dana Carvey

[ open on close-up of Deceased’s face, as he reflects on his death ]

Deceased: So, suddenly I was looking down at my own body, lying there on the stretcher. And there was no pain, no fear, only peace. And I began to float through a dark tunnel, toward a dazzling light. And I distinctly heard one of the doctors say, “Turn off the respirator, we’ve lost him.”

[ screen widens to reveal the Deceased sitting next to an Angel in Heaven ]

Angel: Yeah.. well.. doctors can’t always be wrong, huh?

Deceased: So, I guess the idea is, I’m dead, huh?

Angel: Yeah. Uh-huh.

Deceased: O-kay.. How’d it happen?

Angel: Well.. it actually started with some rough-housing.

Deceased: No.

Angel: Yep. You were playing football in the house, and you fell down and broke your neck.

Deceased: [ intrigued ] I actually broke my neck rough-housing? My mom was right! [ grins ] So, you’re obviously a saint?

Angel: Yeah.. yeah.

Deceased: Which one?

Angel: Uh.. you wouldn’t have heard of me..

Deceased: No, really! Come on, which one?

Angel: [ sighs ] Saint Cornelius. See, I told you.

Deceased: So, you know everything about me, my whole life, right?

Angel: Yeah.

Deceased: Whoa! Uh.. what was the biggest mistake I ever made?

Angel: Well.. you left the church..

Deceased: No, no.. I meant, like, in earthly terms.

Angel: Oh. Um.. well, one time you were walking on the beach in Bermuda, and you walked right over a treasure chest. You would have only had to have dug, maybe four of five inches, it would have been worth $40 million.

Deceased: [ disappointed ] Aw, really?!

Angel: Hey, hey, relax.. it’s over! It doesn’t matter up here.

Deceased: Alright. Just out of curiosity, what career was I really suited for? I know it wasn’t selling copiers.

Angel: Well, uh.. believe it or not, you were ideally suited to be the President of the United States.

Deceased: [ aghast ] Oh, no, you’re kidding! Me, the President! [ laughs ] I really screwed up!

Angel: Hey, hey, don’t worry about it, it’s no big deal. Don’t worry.

Deceased: Okay. Tell me this: which of the girls I knew secretly had a crush on me?

Angel: Well.. there was Denise Baker..

Deceased: Oh, yeah?

Angel: ..Patty Patronik..

Deceased: Oh, right..

Angel: .. and, uh.. Stephanie Zimmer.

Deceased: Oh. Uh-huh. No one else?

Angel: No.

Deceased: Well. Let’s see.. what’s the grossest thing I ever ate?

Angel: You don’t want to know.

Deceased: Oh. Okay. What about the 200th grossest thing?

Angel: Okay.. that would be some butterscotch pudding that had a dead earwig in it.

Deceased: [ grimaces ] Oh, gross! You mean I never tasted it!

Angel: Well, you made this very funny face.. but you were watching a football game on TV at the time..

Deceased: This is so wild! So, you know everything? Alright.. alright.. who would have won between Secreatariat and Man-Of-War?

Angel: Man-Of-War.

Deceased: Hmm.. really? What kind of sit-ups are better – bent-knee, or straight-knee?

Angel: Straight.

Deceased: I knew it! That gym teacher was such an idiot!

Angel: Yeah.. he was.

Deceased: Okay.. okay.. which one’s better: Beatles or Stones?

Angel: Beatles.

Deceased: Ah-ha! Dogs or cats?

Angel: Dogs.

Deceased: Smooth or chunky?

Angel: Chunky.

Deceased: Huh? [ thinking ] Okay, okay, I got one! Which one wins: the irresistable force, or the immovable object?

Angel: The irresistable force.

Deceased: Huh.. interesting. Okay. Of the following people, which ,if any, are still alive: Elvis, Jim Morrison, Jimmy Hoffa, Andy Kaufman, or Hitler.

Angel: Uh.. that’d be Jim Morrison and Hitler.

Deceased: [ shocked ] Hitler?!

Angel: Hey, don’t worry. We’re really gonna nail him.

Deceased: Boy.. this is so weird! I don’t even know what to ask.. okay – Bruce Willis. I mean, that guy, he had to make a deal with the devil, right?

Angel: Yeah.

Deceased: I knew it! I knew it! Okay, who else? Sugar Ray Leonard?

Angel: Yeah.

Deceased: Yeah! Who else?

Angel: Oh, there’s so many..

Deceased: Alright.. alright.. Hey! What is the one thing that would surprise me the most if I knew it?

Angel: [ laughs ] You couldn’t handle it.

Deceased: Alright, okay, okay.. How about the 368th most surprising fact?

Angel: Professional wrestling is real.

Deceased: [ surprised ] What’s the weirdest thing that causes cancer?

Angel: Uh.. looking at goldfish.

Deceased: Whoa-oa! Why did they change the formula for Coke?

Angel: [ dramatic pause ] No one knows.

Deceased: Hmm.. What happened to that $50 bill I lost at graduation?

Angel: You didn’t lose it – your uncle stole it.

Deceased: Wha..? [ laughs ] This is the greatest thing that ever happened! I love this!

Angel: Well, good, I’m glad! Hey, come on, let’s go, I want to show you around..

Deceased: Hey, wait, I gotta know one thing: does God have a favorite religion?

Angel: Yes.

Deceased: Which one?

Angel: Lutheran.

Deceased: Huh!

[ they exit to fade ]

SNL Transcripts