Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 12: Episode 6

86f: Chevy Chase, Steve Martin & Martin Short / Randy Newman

The Eggshell Family

Announcer…Don Pardo
Mom…Jan Hooks
Scott…Kevin Nealon
Danny…Martin Short
Dad…Steve Martin

(Fade in)

(SUPER Bumper: THE EGGSHELL FAMILY THIS WEEK: THE PHONE CALL)

(Cue Music – kind of “Leave It To Beaver” theme music)

Announcer: Now it’s time for another episode of “The Eggshell Family”. Tonight: “The Phone Call”.

(Open on in a family living room, Scott and Danny sit at a table playing Scrabble; Mom sitting on the couch knitting)

Danny: Mom?

Mom: Yes.

Danny: Never mind.

Mom: No, no, honey, you were gonna say something, what was it?

Danny: Well, maybe Scott should ask. That’s okay if it’s all right with the both of you.

Mom: Well honey, it’s certainly okay with me, I mean if it’s okay with Scott. Scott?

Scott: Well, Danny and I were just wondering if you thought it might hurt Dad’s feelings if, you know, we washed the car.

Mom: Oh boys, I tell you, I just don’t know. Your father is a very sensitive man; you realize that, don’t you?

Danny: Maybe we shouldn’t!

Mom: Well, I didn’t say you shouldn’t.

(Telephone rings)

Danny: I’ll get it! (Starts getting up from his seat to answer the telephone) Unless I shouldn’t.

Mom: (confused) Ah, no. You should. I guess.

(Danny walks over the telephone, rather nervously)

Danny: Well, here it goes. (Answers the phone) Hello, Eggshell residence. Could you just hold one second?

Mom: What do you they want?

Danny: They want to talk to Dad.

Mom: Well, who is it?

Danny: I don’t ask. Should I have asked?

Scott: Well, YES! Right?

Danny: Yes or no? What?

Mom: Yes.

Danny: May I ask who’s calling? (To Mom & Scott) It’s Ray from Dad’s Bowling Team. He just wanted to say “hi”. What do I do? What do I do?

Mom: Stall! Stall!

Danny: Hi, Ray! So…(To Mom & Scott) He asked it this was a bad time! What should I say, that it was or wasn’t?

(Dad suddenly comes down the stairs from the second floor of the house; attempts to kiss his wife, nervously, then they both decide not to kiss; Danny stands by the phone, nervously laying the receiver of the telephone on the floor, dangling off the table the telephone sits on; Dad picks a chair to sit at and opens his newspaper and begins reading it)

Scott: (To Mom & Danny) Maybe one of us should say something.

Danny: Well Mom, you’re his wife.

Dad: Is something wrong?

Danny: No. What do you mean?

Dad: No, I just thought…that…never mind.

Danny: Okay.

(Mom moves over to the other side of the couch to attempt to inform her husband about the telephone call)

Mom: Listen, I don’t know how exactly to say this, but…Is your chair comfortable?

Dad: Oh sure, why? Did you want to sit here?

Mom: No.

Dad: Are you sure? Would you rather sit here? Would you rather sit here?

Mom: Do you want me to sit there?

Dad: Only if you want me to sit there.

(Mom & Dad switch seats)

Scott: Dad?

Dad: Do you want to sit here?

(Scott moves from his seat at the table to where Dad was just sitting on the couch)

Dad & Scott: Okay. Okay.

Scott: Okay, Dad, don’t take this the wrong way, but…there’s a phone call for you.

(Dad gets up quickly, nervous about the telephone call)

Danny: It’s Ray. He’s just calling to say “hi”.

Dad: Hi?

Danny: Yes.

Dad: Did you tell him I was home?

Danny: Shouldn’t I have?

Dad: No, not necessarily. Whatever you think. What did you tell him?

Danny: Well, I didn’t really know which one to say. What should I…

Dad: Whichever one you felt was best.

Danny: Well, to be perfectly frank, I don’t think I said one or the other.

(Danny & Dad proceed to talk over each other, then share a laugh about it)

Dad: You go ahead.

Danny: No, I interrupted you.

Dad: No, no, you were talking.

Danny: Well…I forgot what I was going to say.

Dad: So did I.

(Dad proceeds to go towards the telephone to answer the call)

Dad: Well, I guess there’s no reason not to answer it! Unless you can think of a reason!

Danny: I can’t!

(Dad picks up the telephone receiver)

Dad: Hello? (To his family) He hung up!

(Mom, Scott and Danny all have a sigh of relief)

(Cue Music the same “Leave It To Beaver” theme music from the start of the sketch)

(SUPER bumper: THE EGGSHELL FAMILY NEXT WEEK: A LETTER ARRIVES)

Announcer: Join us next week for episode #7 – “A Letter Arrives”.

(Fade out)

Submitted by: Mark Jennings Reese II

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 12: Episode 6

86f: Chevy Chase, Steve Martin & Martin Short / Randy Newman

Halsey & Roarke, British Customs

Announcer/Traveler #1…..Phil Hartman
Terry Halsey…..Eric Idle
Clive Roarke…..Dana Carvey
Traveler #2…..Steve Martin
Traveler #3/Airport Announcer…..Nora Dunn
Traveler #4…..Jon Lovitz
Traveler #5…..Martin Short

FADE IN:

[ STOCK FOOTAGE OF HEATHROW INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT ]

Announcer: Heathrow Airport. Gateway to London. The crossroads of Europe. But for the misguided few who try to bring in contraband, it’s the end of the line. Even the cleverest of smugglers will find his match here; thanks to two men — Halsey & Roarke, British Customs.

[ TITLE CARD: HALSEY & ROARKE, BRITISH CUSTOMS ]

[ INT. HEATHROW AIRPORT – BRITISH CUSTOMS – DAY ]

[ Two constables apprehend the FIRST TRAVELER in line and drag him away. ]

Clive Roarke: All right! Make way! Excitement’s over! Show’s over! Give him room!

Traveler #1: BUT I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!!!

[ Those in line clear the way. ]

Clive Roarke: Doesn’t matter what you do! Give him room! Good eye, Terry! I might have let that one slip through.

Terry Halsey: Just a lucky strike, Clive. Just a lucky shot in the dark. He seemed a little too nonchalant, you know? “Tra-la-la-la-la-la! I’m going through Customs!” Alright, next please.

[ The SECOND TRAVELER in line steps up. ]

Clive Roarke: Good morning! Please put your bag on the counter.

[ Traveler #2 obliges. ]

Terry Halsey: Anything to declare, sir?

Traveler #2: Ah, yes. I got this in Rome.

[ Traveler #2 pulls out a box of chocolates. ]

Terry Halsey: Oh! Chocolates! Very sweet.

[ Halsey opens the box. ]

Terry Halsey: Well, you nearly have enough for everybody in the line…

Clive Roarke: That’s nice!

Terry Halsey: Do you mind? May I?

Traveler #2: Well… sure.

[ Halsey takes out the entire tray of chocolates from the box. ]

Clive Roarke: Do you have anything else to declare today?

Traveler #2: No I don’t.

[ Halsey showcases the lace sheet in the box. ]

Terry Halsey: What a lovely lace bottom this has, Sir!

[ Halsey scans the box again. ]

Terry Halsey: Wait a minute! Wait a tick! ‘Allo!

[ Halsey peels the lace sheet to reveal another tray of chocolates. ]

Terry Halsey: ‘Allo! What’s this!?

Traveler #2: More chocolates.

Terry Halsey: Well, well… The old “False Bottom Trick”! Isn’t that cozy, Clive? See this – we come to the end of the box…

Clive Roarke: Yes.

Terry Halsey: It’s the bottom…

Clive Roarke: Mm-hmm.

Terry Halsey: Or is it?

Clive Roarke: Oh!

[ Roarke places the sheet back on then re-peels it. ]

Clive Roarke: ‘Allo! What’s this? A secret compartment!

Terry Halsey: ‘Allo! Bold as life! You’ve got some nerve, Sonny! What’s the matter? Double your pleasure, eh?

Traveler #2: Those are chocolates! They always come in —

[ Two constables drag the traveler away. ]

Clive Roarke: Take him away! Let him through! Let him through!

[ A THIRD TRAVELER steps up to the desk. ]

Terry Halsey: Next! Anything to declare, madam?

Traveler #3: I don’t think so. I’m just in from New York.

Terry Halsey: New York!?

Traveler #3: Yeah.

Terry Halsey: Crikey!

[ Halsey pulls out a L’Eggs egg from her purse. ]

Terry Halsey: This egg, Clive… Seem a little… on the larger size to you?

Clive Roarke: I suppose so. I’m not much of an egg eater, but it’s a bit big.

[ Roarke flicks the egg twice. ]

Clive Roarke: Wait a minute! ‘Allo! That’s queer!

[ Roarke hands the egg to Halsey. ]

Terry Halsey: ‘Allo!

[ Halsey breaks open the egg. ]

Halsey & Roarke: ‘ALLO!!!

[ Halsey pulls out pantyhose and holds it high. ]

Terry Halsey: Well, Cock-a-Doodle Do!!

Traveler #3: They’re stockings. They’re built that way.

Clive Roarke: Step aside!! We don’t want to hear it!

[ Two constables drag the female traveler away. ]

Clive Roarke: Let her through! Show’s over! Imagine trying a thing like that?

Terry Halsey: Why do they risk it? A nice woman like that…

Clive Roarke: The sport, the thrill of the chase – I suppose.

Terry Halsey: Next please.

[ A FOURTH TRAVELER steps up to the desk. ]

Terry Halsey: Anything to declare?

Traveler #4: No, just this.

[ The traveler hands Halsey a fine wooden chess board. ]

Traveler #4: I bought it in Spain.

Terry Halsey: Oh!! Very nice!

[ Halsey reviews the chess board. ]

Terry Halsey: A handsome wooden block! Nice decorative inlay.

Traveler #4: Well, no, actually it’s a —

Terry Halsey: Please, sir… May I do my job? Do you mind? Thank you very mu —

[ Halsey notices the latch to the chess board. ]

Terry Halsey: ‘Allo!

Clive Roarke: ‘Allo?

Terry Halsey: What’s this thing? A tiny little latch!

[ Halsey opens the latch and all the chess pieces fall out. ]

Halsey & Roarke: ‘ALLO!!!

Clive Roarke: It seems we have some little stowaways here…

Terry Halsey: Lovely little concealed carvings! All hidden away!

Clive Roarke: Third one today.

Terry Halsey: Why do they do it?

Clive Roarke: It’s a character weakness.

Traveler #4: It’s a chess board!

Terry Halsey: Just like all the other ones! How do they take us for!

Clive Roarke: Take him out! Take him out!

[ Two constables drag the traveler away. ]

Terry Halsey: Clear the way, folks! Don’t block the way!

Clive Roarke: Bring it in! Bring it in!

[ A FIFTH TRAVELER, wearing a large, hooded, reversible winter jacket, approaches the desk. ]

Traveler #5: ‘ALLO!

[ Halsey & Roarke exchange looks of suspicion. ]

Terry Halsey: What have you got to declare?

Traveler #5: Nothing! No luggage!! Sorry!

Terry Halsey: I see. There’s something I don’t like about him.

Clive Roarke: The nose?

Terry Halsey: Maybe the jacket…

Clive Roarke: Oh… Sir, could you possibly remove, the, uh, “jacket”?

Traveler #5: Certainly.

[ He removes his jacket. ]

Terry Halsey: Humor me for a moment, Clive.

Clive Roarke: All-righty!

[ Halsey & Roarke each put one arm into the jacket. ]

Terry Halsey: Just a tick…

[ Halsey & Roarke each hold onto one side of the collar. ]

Terry Halsey: Pull!!

[ The jacket reverses. ]

Halsey & Roarke: ‘ALLO!!!

Traveler #5: It’s a reversible jacket. It’s designed to do that.

Terry Halsey: Evidently!

Clive Roarke: Of course it was! Just not quite so soon, eh mate?

[ Two constables drag the traveler away. ]

Terry Halsey: Let him through – the excitement’s over.

Traveler #5: WAIT A MINUTE! It’s not mine. I found the jacket.

Terry Halsey: You found it!?

Traveler #5: Yes, yes…

Terry Halsey: Well, then, that’s all right! On your way then!

[ The constables release him and he quickly exits. ]

Terry Halsey: Next please.

Airport Announcer (V/O): Attention please, all passengers, the British Customs Detention Center is all filled to capacity. Passengers may proceed to the main terminal.

Terry Halsey: Filled up!? It’s not even noon yet!?!?

Clive Roarke: They have to build a new detention center. They have to!

Terry Halsey: All right, move along…

Halsey & Roarke: ‘Allo, ‘allo…

[ Halsey signals for all the passengers to proceed. All do without hesitation. ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

Looking For The Remote

Dad…..Chevy Chase
Mom…..Jan Hooks
Paul Williams…..
Fifi…..Victoria Jackson

[ open on interior, suburban living room, as Dad enters to watch the big game from the comfort of his beloved couch ]

Dad: Okay, let’s go Jets! Whee-hee-hee!

Mom: Hey, honey, I’m doing these Christmas cards. These are for you to sign.

Dad: Not now, babe, we’re about to kick off. [ sits on the couch ] Alright.. got my BLT. where are my chips? Pass me those chips. [ Son passes the chips to him ] I’ve got my beer.. and the channel changer, please? Honey, have you seen my channel changer?

Mom: Nope.

Dad: Kevin, where’s the changer? You had it last.

Son: Did not. Why don’t you just walk over there and change it yourself? It’s only five feet!

Dad: Because Daddy likes to flip around during the commercials. It’s one of Daddy’s great joys. Okay? So let’s help Daddy find his channel changer, okay? Where the hell is it? [ gets up to look around ]

Mom: Well, check the couch. Sometimes it falls back there behind the cushions.

[ Dad starts to dig underneath the cushions ]

Mom: Do you see it?

Dad: [ digging ] No.. Oh, God.. this is great! Here’s some change, that’s nice. A lot of it, too. [ drops handfuls of loose change onto the coffee table ] Look! Here we go, here we go.. I’ve got something here.. Scrabble letters! [ drops the tiles onto the coffee table ] Hey, here’s the J and the Q! That means the whole game we played last night doesn’t count! [ chuckles, as Mom groans ] Okay, where’s the changer?

Mom: I’m sure it’s there, just dig deeper.

Dad: [ with his hand down the back of the sofa ] I am. I’ve found some pens.. yeah, there’s always pens behind the couch. [ drops a handful of pens onto the coffee table ] It’s gotta be here! [ reaches something ] What have we got here? Hey, here’s TV Guide!

Mom: Oh.. great! Is it this week’s?

Dad: You tell me – Don Adams is on the cover. When was the last time you cleaned back here?

Mom: Come on.

Dad: [ reaches in again ] I think there’s some food here, can you believe it? [ pulls out two black bananas ] Yeah, bananas! You hungry, Kev? [ throws the black bananas at his son ] Come on, woof that down! [ digs deeper ] It’s gotta be here! [ pulls out a painting ] Hey, honey! Honey! It’s our Matisse! I don’t believe it!

Mom: [ excited ] Oh! And we thought it was stolen!

Dad: I know!

Son: Dad, didn’t the insurance company already pay you back for that?

Dad: Right, they did that, Kevin. But we’ll call them and send their check back first thing in the morning. [ digs deeper ] Let’s see, what’s this? Is this the channel changer? I think I’ve got it! [ pulls out a skeleton of a dog ] Why, it’s Fluffy! She’s gonna need your love now more than ever, Son. [ hands the bones to his son, as he digs deeper into the cushions ] Ah, let’s see here.. [ pulls out a cartridge ] hey, look at this, it’s an old 8-track cartridge! You don’t see these much any more. Paul Williams’ Greatest Hits!

Mom: Whatever happened to Paul Williams?

Dad: [ reaches behind the cushions ] Uh.. here he is.

Paul Williams: [ standing ] I think my butt’s asleep.

Dad: Excuse me, Paul? Did you happen to see a television chanel changer behind here?

Paul Williams: No, I’m afraid not.

Dad: Oh.

Paul Williams: Well, it was nice meeting you all. I’ll just let myself out.

Dad: You look good, you’ve lost weight.

Paul Williams: [ exits ] “Rainy days and mondays always get me down..”

Dad: He’s great, isn’t he? [ continues to dig for his channel changer, we can see his hand moving around at the bottom of the far end of the couch ] Oh, wait a minute! Wait a minute! I think I’ve got it! I’ve found it! There we are! [ pulls a maid out from behind the cushions ] Fifi! Where the hell have you been, I’ve been looking all over for you!

Fifi: I’m sorry, Mr. Reynolds, I must have slipped behind the..

Mom: Behind the cushion, I knew it! Didn’t I tell you?

Dad: [ aggravated ] Turn the TV on, would you, please?

Fifi: Yes, sir. [ walks over and changes the channel for Dad ]

Dad: Channel 7. Nice, Fifi, where have you been? 4..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

5th Annual Church Potluck Luncheon

Barb…..Jan Hooks
Church Lady…..Dana Carvey
Ginny Barton…..Victoria Jackson
Minister Bob…..Chevy Chase

[ open on interior, church cafeteria during 5th Annual Church Potluck Luncheon ]

Barb: [ drinking heavily already ] Well, congratulations, Enid, on another wonderful church potluck luncheon. It’s just too bad that the rain had to keep everyone away from it, now isn’t it?

Church Lady: Well, those absentees afraid of a little moisture will be praying for rain when they’re burning in eternal hellfire!

Barb: Enid, I think that’s God’s decision, not yours.

Church Lady: Oh. Well, perhaps we’ll find ourselves one day in a lake of fire! In a rowboat, with one oar, going, “I should have been nicer!”

[ Barb steps aside, as Ginny Barton enters ]

Ginny Barton: I’m sorry I’m late, Church Lady, but I had to drop off a dish to my boyfriend’s invalid mother.

Church Lady: Well, apparently some of us show up when it’s con-vee-nient!

Ginny Barton: No. I couldn’t help it. I got tied up.

Church Lady: Well, isn’t that special? Apparently, some of us need little accoutrements to help us perform our dirty little sex acts!

Ginny Barton: No! Church Lady, I had to hand-feed his mother Jell-O, because her arthritis was so bad..

Church Lady: Well, there’s a pretty little picture. Us, in our clingy little dress and our red, sexual lips. Peter’s poor mother calling out, “Feed me, Jenny, feed me!” And you saying, “Not now, Granny, I’m busy fornicating!”

Ginny Barton: No, Church Lady! It wasn’t like that at all!

Church Lady: Well, I beg to differ. You probably just can’t remember much, dear. Not much blood makes it up to our little brain when our tingly, naughty parts are engorged! [ changes subject ] Well, I’m glad we can put that topic behind us now. Let’s look at your little luncheon dish.

Ginny Barton: [ holds up her small dish ] It’s called Cherry Jell-O Jubilee.

Church Lady: [ mocking ] Cherry Jell-O Jubilee. Well, isn’t that special? Oh, it’s red! What a super color, red! You know whose favorite color red is? Let’s see, let me think.. is it, um.. Little Red Riding Hood? No, that’s not it.. Is it.. Nancy Reagan? No, that’s not what I’m thinking of.. I’m stumped! Oh, wait a minute, Dodo-head, I know who I’m thinking of, that’s right – SATAN!! [ picks up Jenny’s small dish and compares it to the larger casserole she brought ] Well.. well.. isn’t that just super? As you can see, I brought a 95-quart turkey casserole, that could feed the Lord’s congregation.. and you bring a little tiny bowl of Jell-O. Well, I’m afraid my casserole’s just a little bit superior to yours. Therefore, I do my little Superior Dance! Pearl?

[ Pearl plays the organ, as Church Lady performs her Superior Dance; Minister Bob soon enters ]

Church Lady: Oh! Well, look, everybody! It’s Minister Bob!

Minister Bob: Hello, everybody!

Everyone: Hi, Minister Bob!!

Minister Bob: Oh, my, my! Don’t we look lovely today!

Everyone: Thank you, Minister Bob!!

Minister Bob: [ to Church Lady ] And, you, especially.

Church Lady: [ blushing ] You know what, Minister Bob? Satan hates you, because you’re so good!

Minister Bob: [ chuckles ] And he can’t stand your guts, either, Church Lady!

Church Lady: Oh, Minister Bob, you’re just the cutest thing in pants! You’re a super Minister Bob!

Minister Bob: Well, I try!

Church Lady: Others try. You do!

[ Barb re-enters the room, drunk as hell ]

Barb: Hey! Hey, Church Lady! You’re so damn high and mighty, aren’t ya’, huh? But you know what I really think of your turkey casserole? It sucks!!

Minister Bob: Now, now, now! Now, just calm down!

[ Barb is pulled back ]

Church Lady: Oh, Barb’s intoxicated in public! Isn’t that special!

Minister Bob: Now, hold your horses, little one!

Barb: Oh, you butt out, Bob! This is between me and her! I’ve been waiting to get to her for twelve years!

Church Lady: [ ready to fight ] I wouldn’t try it, Barb! I would tear you apart! Come on, I want to eat you!

Minister Bob: [ breaks them apart ] That’s enough! Settle down now! Now, Barb?

Barb: What?

Minister Bob: I just want to calm you down a little, and I’m gonna tell you a little joke.

Barb: Alright, what?

Minister Bob: Knock-knock.

Barb: Who’s there?

Minister Bob: Barb’s large liver.

Barb: [ confused ] Barb’s large liver who?

Minister Bob: I don’t know, Barb. But I do know this: you’re gonna have to answer to a higher power.

Church Lady: Oh. And who might that be?

Minister Bob: Ohhh.. I don’t know.

Church Lady: Could it be..?

Minister Bob: Ohhh.. it’s possible.

Church Lady: You mean?

Minister Bob: Yes, I think we’re both talking about..

Church Lady & Minister Bob: SATAN!!

[ upset, Barb falls across the room and stumbles onto a nearby table ]

Church Lady: Well, it looks like we’re just a little bit superior to others!

Minister Bob: It looks like it, doesn’t it?

Church Lady: Yes. Well, you know what that is? It’s special!

Minister Bob: Oh? Isn’t that special?

Church Lady: Pearl!

[ Pearl plays the organ, as Church Lady and Minister Bob perform their Superior Dance to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:





Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
December 6th, 1986

Chevy Chase

Steve Martin

Martin Short

Randy Newman

Eric Idle

Stumblebums Anonymous

Martin, Short and Chase join the Gerald Ford Clinic.

Chevy Chase, Steve Martin & Martin Short’s Monologue

Martin wanders through the studio and sings “I’m Me!”

Looking For The Remote

Dad (Chase) finds everything but the remote in between the cushions.

Ed Grimley

Mephistopheles (Jon Lovitz) comes for Ed’s (Short) soul.

Recurring Characters: Ed Grimley, Mephistopheles.

A Holiday Wish

Martin outlines his holiday wish for singing children.

Randy Newman performs “Longest Night”

Master Brain

President Reagan (Phil Hartman) secretly knows what he’s doing.

Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan.

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller & Chevy Chase

Chase co-anchors.

Tommy Flanagan (Jon Lovitz) lies about Oliver North.

Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.

The Eggshell Family

Telephone call begats family crisis.

The Pat Stevens Show

Pat (Nora Dunn) is more interested in shoes than Corizon Aquinos (Jan Hooks).

Recurring Characters: Pat Stevens.

Church Lady’s Potluck Luncheon

Church Lady (Dana Carvey) and Minister Bob (Chase) reign superiority.

Recurring Characters: Church Lady, Jenny Baker.

Randy Newman performs “Roll With the Punches”

Halsey & Roarke: British Customs Agents

Customs agents (Eric Idle, Dana Carvey) find suspicion in innocent items.

SNL Transcripts

Reagan’s Earpiece

President Ronald Reagan…..Robin Williams
Aide #1…..Kevin Nealon
Aide #2…..Phil Hartman
Reporter #1…..Dana Carvey
Reporter #2…..Victoria Jackson
Reporter #3…..Jan Hooks

[ open on interior, White House – Presidential Aides helping Ronald Reagan put in an earpiece ]

President Ronald Reagan: Uh.. Iran, Iraq.. stalagmite, stalactite..

Aide #1: Here you go, sir. You’re all set for the press conference.

President Ronald Reagan: Are you sure they won’t be able to see it at all? It feels just like my hearing aid!

Aide #2: Mr. President, about the radio transmitter – now, instead of briefing you thoroughly, as we usually do, which tends to tire and confuse you, we decided to use the receiver. If you’re stumped for an answer, I’ll talk into the mike, and it’ll be transmitted directly into the receiver, and, so..

President Ronald Reagan: Whoa! Just like radio! [ Aides laugh ] Well, that’s fine with me!

Speaker’s Voice; [ from the Press Room ] Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States!

President Ronald Reagan: Well, that’s my cue, boys! You say Iran, I say Iraq – let’s call the whole thing a deal! [ enters the Press Room singing “Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah” ] Be seated. [ press sits, Reagan pauses ]

Aide #2: [ in the other room, tuned in on the transmitter ] My God.. “Ladies and gentlemen of the Press..”

President Ronald Reagan: Excuse me! [ exits Press Room, returns to his Aides ] I knew that! I was just taking a dramatic pause! I’m not stupid! Thank you. [ exits back to the Press Room ] Thank you – deja vu! Be seated. Ladies and gentlemen of the Press, I’m ready for your questions. [ hands start waving ] Milt?

Reporter #1: Mr. President, in light of recent events, do you feel the secret arms deal to Iran was a mistake?

President Ronald Reagan: Well.. I was expecting you to ask that. And I would like to answer that with a definitive.. uh..

Aide #2: [ in back room ] “No!”

President Ronald Reagan: No!

[ reporters start waving their hands – “Mr. President! Mr. President!” ]

Aide #2: Not him.. not him, either..

President Ronald Reagan: Not him, either.

Aide #2: Trudy!

President Ronald Reagan: Not you!

Aide #2: Trudy!

President Ronald Reagan: Eeeny-meeney-miney.. Trudy! Trudy!

Reporter #2: Mr. President, this may seem like a lob..

President Ronald Reagan: Well, I’m here to serve!

Reporter #2: What would you enjoy talking about?

President Ronald Reagan: Well.. I’m glad you asked that, Trudy, because.. [ his signal starts to pick up other frequencies, confusing him ] “1 Adam-12! 1 Adam-12!”

Aide #1: [ in back room ] We’re getting interference, it sounds like a police report..

President Ronald Reagan: “Well, you know, 3, we have a 518 in progress, and the perpetrator’s a burly male Negro, 5-feet 8-inches tall, 145 pounds.”

Aide #2: Mr. President? We’re getting some intereferece on that frequency – that was not me, that was a police report.

Reporter #2: Mr. President, I’m sorry, but what were you referring to?

President Ronald Reagan: Well, I’m, uh.. I’m, uh..

Aide #2: “I was just describing..”

President Ronald Reagan: “I was just describing..”

Aide #2: “..our new ambassador to South Africa.”

President Ronald Reagan: “..our new ambassador to South Africa.” [ more reporters start clamoring for questions ] Yes. Yes! [ points to Reporter #3 ]

Reporter #3: Mr. President, why don’t you just admit the arms deal was a mistake?

President Ronald Reagan: Well.. I’m glad you asked that, because this is one that I’m ready for, because.. [ starts to lose his signal again ] ..”Whoa! Kareem goes in on the inside! Passes to Magic! Swish! That’s two points! Bango!”

Aide #2: Mr. President, we’re going to try different frequencies. Until then, you may have to wing it.

President Ronald Reagan: “Well, you may have to wing it!” [ loses signal again ] What I’m trying to say, is the Ayatollah is a “swish!” And, wait a minute.. “back to our traffic helicopter out there on the Potomac, seems we’re backed up all the way to the Bridge, Bob!” [ starts beating his chest to sound like a helicopter ] I don’t know, I.. “I’m a rapper, a rapper! See me now, say, whoo-ah, whoo-ah, whoo-ah!” Whoa! Look out! [ repeats messages on a Spanish station ] “Yes, Dr. Ruth, I’ve always had this problem with premature..” [ switches signals again ] Wait a minute.. “Yes, it’s an all non-stop Doors weekend – Hello, I love you, won’t you tell me your name?” [ signal gives off a high-pitched squeal ] Wait! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 12: Episode 5

86e: Robin Williams / Paul Simon

Paul Simon performs “The Late Great Johnny Ace”

…..Paul Simon

[FADE IN on a b&w photo of John F. Kennedy, then fade to Simon sitting on a stool and playing his guitar.]

Paul Simon: [ singing ]
“I was reading a magazine,
Thinking of a rock ‘n’ roll song,
The year was nineteen fifty-five,
I hadn’t been playing that long.

When a man came on the radio,
And this is what he said,
He said, “I hate to break it to his fans,
But Johnny Ace is dead.”
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I really wasn’t such a Johnny Ace fan,
But I felt bad all the same,
So I sent away for his photograph,
And I waited till it came.

It came all the way from Texas,
With a sad and a simple face,
And they signed it on the bottom,
“From the late great Johnny Ace.”
Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

[guitar solo]

“It was the year of the Beatles,
It was the year of the Stones,
It was nineteen sixty-four.

And I was living in London
With a girl from the summer before.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was the year of the Beatles,
It was the year of the Stones,
A year after JFK.
Oh, we were stayin’ up all night,
Killin’ the days away…

And the music was flowing,
Amazing, and going
My way.”

[guitar solo]

“On a cold December evening,
I was walking through the Christmastide,
When a stranger came up and asked me
If I’d heard John Lennon had died.

And the two of us went to this bar,
And we stayed to close the place,
And every song we played was for
The late great Johnny Ace,
Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

[Paul plays and hums for about 30 seconds, and then strums his guitar to close the song. A pause, then cheers and applause. FADE to a bumper slide of Robin Williams leaning his head on his hand and smiling. FADE to black.]

SNL Transcripts

The Memory of Paul Simon

…..Paul Simon
…..Jan Hooks
Clay Barnes…..Kevin Nealon
Carol Britsky…..Victoria Jackson
Woman…..Nora Dunn
Steve…..Phil Hartman
Bill Seabrook…..Jon Lovitz
…..Art Garfunkel

[ open on the long line outside of a movie theater ]

Paul Simon: Wow.. I hope this movie is worth it.

Jan Hooks: Yeah. Well, I heard a review of it on the radio this morning. And they said it was “the Most Recent Movie of the Year.”

Paul Simon: The Most Recent Movie? That’s not saying very much..

Jan Hooks: It’s not, is it? I probably didn’t hear it right – the shower was running, and..

[ a man approaches ]

Clay Barnes: Excuse me? Aren’t you Paul Simon?

Paul Simon: Yes, I am.

Clay Barnes: Ah! I don’t know if you remember me.. I did some session work on your first solo album..

Paul Simon: Clay Barnes!

Clay Barnes: [ glad to be remembered ] Yes! Yes!

Paul Simon: You played bass.

Clay Barnes: Yeah! I didn’t think you would remember me!

Paul Simon: Yeah, you brought your mother to the studio.

Clay Barnes: [ dumbfounded ] Yes, I did!

Paul Simon: How is she doing?

Clay Barnes: She’s doing great!

Paul Simon: Oh, that’s great! Give her my best, will you?

Clay Barnes: I will! Thanks a lot! Good seeing you! [ walks away ]

Paul Simon: [ to Jan ] Some of my friends say they love this movie; some of my friends say.. Agh! So.. we’ll see for ourselves..

Jan Hooks: Yeah. Alright.

[ a woman approaches ]

Carol Britsky: Paul? Hi! Um.. remember me? I picked you up at the airport in 1963. It was in Baton Rouge, and you were playing at Clairmont Community College.

Paul Simon: [ thinking ] Ah! Carol Britsky!

Carol Britsky: Yes!

Paul Simon: I remember. You were a Political Science major then.

Carol Britsky: Yes! I’m teaching it now.

Paul Simon: Really. Well, congratulations! It’s nice to see you again.

Carol Britsky: It’s nice to see you! [ walks away ]

Jan Hooks: [ flabbergasted ] You know, I am amazed! You have an excellent memory.

Paul Simon: I train my memory. Because if I get an idea for a lyric in the middle of the night, I want to freeze it, so I can have it in the morning and write it down. So I work on my memory..

[ a woman and a man approach ]

Woman: Paul Simon! Hi! Oh, I’m sure you don’t remember, but I saw you in your concert at Central Park.

Paul Simon: [ thinking ] You were sitting on a plaid blanket.. under the elm tree.

Woman: Yes, yes!

Paul Simon: You’ve changed your hair since then. I like it very much.

Woman: Thank you. Thank you!

Paul Simon: And thank you for yelling “More!”

Woman: Oh, you’re welcome! [ grabs the man with her ] This is my friend Steve.

Steve: [ shakes Paul’s hand ] Hello.

Paul Simon: Steve, how are you? [ thinking ] I don’t remember you from Central Park.

Steve: No, no, I wasn’t there. I saw you in Baltimore in 1981.

Paul Simon: Oh! That’s right! The Capitol Theater, the late show! You were the one who kept yelling, “‘The Boxer’! Play ‘The Boxer’!”

Steve: Yes! I hope you didn’t mind.

Paul Simon: Ah, I didn’t mind. It’s just, we had just finished playing “The Boxer”.

Steve: [ embarassed ] Oh. Gosh, I.. I.. I had just stepped out. I didn’t know! I’m sorry!

Paul Simon: Don’t worry about it! It’s nice seeing you both. I love your hair.

Woman: Thank you.

[ the couple walk away ]

Jan Hooks: [ amazed ] You know, I can’t even remember the names of my cousins. This is bizarre..

[ another man quickly approaches ]

Bill Seabrook: Hi! Do you remember me? I’m Bill Seabrook. I bought your “Bridge Over Troubled Water” in Seattle, and I had to return it?

Paul Simon: Oh, yes, you had a problem with the second side, there was a scratch on the second cut..

Bill Seabrook: Yes!

Paul Simon: Did they take care of that for you?

Bill Seabrook: Yes! They sure did! No problem!

Paul Simon: Good. I heard your sister isn’t doing so well. Is she alright?

Bill Seabrook: Oh, she’s doing much better. Thanks!

Paul Simon: Oh, I’m relieved! Great!

Bill Seabrook: [ hugs Paul passionately ] Don’t ever change. [ walks away ]

Paul Simon: [ to Jan ] I won’t.

Jan Hooks: You won’t.

Paul Simon: I won’t ever change.

[ Art Garfunkel approaches ]

Art Garfunkel: Hey, Paul! You gotta see this movie. This movie is great! I saw this movie last week, DeNiro is fantastic, you’re gonna love this film!

Paul Simon: [ confused ] And your name is?

Art Garfunkel: Paul, I’m Artie. Art Garfunkel.

Paul Simon: [ thinking ] Art.. Gar-funkel..?

Jan Hooks: Paul, this man was your partner. You were a team.

Art Garfunkel: For 11 years, Paul.

Paul Simon: [ thinking ] A team? A team for 11 years? Garfunkel..

Art Garfunkel: [ singing ] When you’re weary.. feeling small. When tears are in..

[ Paul can’t recall the event Garfunkel is referring to, as the scene closes ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
November 22nd, 1986

Robin Williams

Paul Simon

Art Garfunkel

Paul Simon, “Diamonds On The Soles of Her Shoes”.

Reagan’s Earpiece

Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan.

Robin Williams’ Monologue

Paul Simon’s Memory

Shakespearean Improv

Paul Simon performs “Diamonds On The Soles of Her Shoes”

New York Word Exchange

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

The Sweeney Sisters

Recurring Characters: Candy Sweeney, Liz Sweeney,

Master Thespian

Recurring Characters: Master Thespian,

Paul Simon performs “The Boy In The Bubble”

Automobile Club

Paul Simon performs “The Late Great Johnny Ace”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 12: Episode 4

86d: Sam Kinison / Lou Reed

Sam Kinison’s Monologue

…..Sam Kinison

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Sam Kinison!

[ Sam Kinison proudly and triumphantly steps onto Home Base, lavishing in the audience’s applause as the SNL band continues to play. KInison briefly plays air guitar, then motions toward the band before finally picking up a spare guitar and jamming side-by-side with G.E. Smith. The audience explodes into applause when they eventually finish their set. ]

Sam Kinison: What a band!! Let ’em hear it!!

[ the audience cheers and applauds louder ]

Sam Kinison: Owwww!!! Man, do you believe this, huh? [ laughs maniacally ] I’m back on “Saturday Night Live.” [ audience cheers ] Can’t believe it. NBC censors, I don’t know, I guess they’re on vacation. They said, “Sam, come on back. We won’t be here. You can do whatever you want. You won’t be hassled. Nobody will interfere with you. No one’s gonna pressure you.”

So I came back, folks, and it’s the same, uh – the same attitude I’ve always had about comedy. I was here when they did the Libya thing. You know? The raid on Libya. I talked about the air raid, I said I was glad to be an American. When bombers came in, going, “Where’s the BABY’S ROOM??!!!” [ imitates plane crash sounds ] When they had them uh – when they had the Russian disaster, there at the nuclear plant in Chernobyl, I said, you know, I said, “I think I speak for all Americans when I say: [ makes a maniacal, snide laugh at the Russians’ expense ] “Better you than us!! Better you than us, Russkies!!!” Or when they needed an answer for world hunger, what did I do? I said, “Hey! Move to the FOOOOOODDD!! You live in a DESERT, MOVE to the FOOD!!“

So they said, “Sam, you’re back now, there’s no pressure. NBC is gonna allow you to come out here and say whatever you want, with no authority, no resistance, nobody watching you –“

[ as he says this, a pair of cops on horseback enter the studio and flank Kinison at Home Base. The audience cheers, as Kinison looks at the cops dumbfoundedly. ]

Sam Kinison: Well, I guess NBC has kept its word. [ speaking to one of the horses ] Well, I guess I won’t be doing that prepared sketch on homosexuals, will I, Wilbur? [ to the audience ] Alright. Well, uh, we’ll talk about my act later. We have a GREAT show for you – Lou Reed’s RIGHT HERE, he’s my special guest!! We’ll be right BACK!!! Agggghhhhhhh!!!!!

SNL Transcripts