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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 11





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82k: Rick Moranis & Dave Thomas / The Bus Boys

I’ll Be the Judge of That

Dick Cavett…..Rick Moranis
Professor Douglas Marsden…..Tim Kazurinsky
Madame Leonora Lostukochov…..Mary Gross
Tyrone Green…..Eddie Murphy
Oriana Fallacci…..Robin Duke

[FADE IN on a studio with a string quartet playing classical music live in the foreground. SUPERIMPOSE “I’ll Be the Judge of That” inside a circle across the entire screen. HOLD for several seconds.]

Announcer: [in clipped British accent] Ladies and gentlemen, your master of ceremonies: Dick Cavett.

[Audience cheers as Cavett walks onstage and stops directly in front of a long white sofa in the background. Wearing a gray jacket with a blue turtleneck underneath, he thoughtfully places a finger to his mouth as the applause and music fade away.]

Dick Cavett: Um… good evening. Um, welcome to the only show that any network would let me have. Um… it’s a game show, a forum which I normally abhor, um… Nonetheless, it may not be as sophisticated as my late lamented PBS talk show, but I’ll be the judge of that. So… [glances down at index card] If we can meet our contestants, the first is a professor of Renaissance English Studies at Columbia University, author of the controversial monograph entitled, “Christopher Marlowe: Shakespeare or What?” Um… Would you please welcome, then, Professor Douglas Marsden.

[Applause as the string quartet plays again and Professor Marsden walks onstage. In a gray suit and red tie, he stiffly shakes Cavett’s hand as the quartet ceases.]

Dick Cavett: Um… Welcome, uh, Professor, to the show. Are you ready to have a go at it?

Professor: [in a dignified accent] Well, as Shakespeare wrote: “Cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war!” [chuckles]

Dick Cavett: Well, he was always rather pithy, wasn’t he?

Professor: [shyly] Yes.

Dick Cavett: Anyway, thank you, please have a seat. Our next guest is one of the grande dames of Czechoslovakian ballet, and the founder of Prague’s first Szechuan cooking school. [soft laughter] Um… may we bring on Madame Leonora Lostukochov?

[Applause as the quartet resumes the theme and Madame Leonora walks gracefully onstage. She wears a flowered head scarf and a flowing red gown.]

Dick Cavett: [places finger to lips] Um, Madame Leonora, when George Balanchine was on my former PBS talk show, he, too, expressed a love of Szechuan food. Um… is that a thing with dancers, or what?

Madame Leonora: [in heavy Eastern European accent] Well, if there ees a connection, Deeck, I’m too old to know it.

Dick Cavett: [places finger to lips] I just wondered if, the spicier the beef, the bigger the calf. What a wonderful pun I’ve stumbled on. [laughter] Um, thank you very much. [motions for her to sit] Our… our last contestant, then, is one of the angriest poets of the Bedford-Stuyvesant school, um… author of his latest poem, “Kill My Landlord,” which… [riotous cheers and applause] …was hailed by Marvin Gaye as a modern “Prufrock.” Um… would you please welcome, then, Tyrone Green.

[Hearty applause as the strings resume and Green slouches onstage in a camouflage t-shirt and faded jeans. When he stops next to Cavett, Tyrone glares down at the string quartet, which continues playing.]

Dick Cavett: [places finger to lips] Um… Terrone, have you derived, uh, any satisfaction from your new-found notoriety in the black arts community?

Tyrone Green: [barking at musicians] SHUT UP!!!

[The quartet stops in the middle of a note.]

Tyrone Green: Yeah, I get a lot of sex now, now that I’m a poet. [squeals of laughter] What kinda prizes you got on this show?

Dick Cavett: Well, I’m glad you asked that, Terrone. Um… to find out what kind of prizes we have, we’ll go to our lovely and talented prize girl, Miss Oriana Fallacci. Oriana?

[CUT to Oriana smoking a cigarette and fanning out a match in her other hand.]

Oriana Fallaci: [in Italian accent] Thanks, Dick. Uhh… Eh, let me tell you this, ehhh, all of the, uh, contestants on, uh, “I’ll Be the Judge of That,” eh, will-a re-cheive an autographed, eh, first edition of my new book, ehh, “Interviews with Men Who Object to My Smoking.”

[FADE to a slide of her book.]

Oriana Fallaci: Uhh, they will, uh, also re-cheive a year’s-a supply of Cappuccino Quik…

[FADE to a canister of Cappuccino Quik.]

Oriana Fallaci: Ehhhh, from Nestle’s, of course, ehhh, who-a of course are Fascists. Ehh, Deeck?

[FADE back to Cavett on the couch as he places his finger to his lips.]

Dick Cavett: Uh, thank you, Oriana. [ZOOM out to show Cavett and his contestants all seated on the long white couch.]

Dick Cavett: Well, let’s move on, then, to “I’ll Be the Judge of That.” You all know the rules, and if you don’t, I’m sure they’ll become self-evident as we proceed. Um… Professor Marsden, let’s begin with you. Um… [pauses] Do you find Gershwin more melodically satisfying than, let’s say, Cole Porter?

Professor: Actually, yes, I do prefer Gershwin.

Dick Cavett: I’m sorry, I don’t. No points there. Um…

[long moment of laughter]

Dick Cavett: Madame Lostukochek [sic]… you’re sitting beside the pool of your Connecticut country home. Your actress wife, Carrie Nye, is reading aloud to you from “The New York Times Book Review.” Um… what would you be likely to be drinking?

Tyrone Green: A Fresca.

Dick Cavett: I’m, I’m sorry, Mr. Green, I was addressing Madame Leonora. What would you be likely to be drinking?

Madame Leonora: Wodka. Straight up. In a slipper.

Dick Cavett: No, I’m sorry, what you probably prefer is a Camprari and soda. No points there. Um… let’s move on to Mr. Green, and– [holds up card] My goodness, it’s a bonus question. Um… if you answer this one correctly, Mr. Green, you’ll get to move on to the final round. Now, what would be a good bonus question? [thinks for a moment] Um… Oh, yes. What did Lord Laurence Olivier say to me when I told him that I couldn’t possibly call him “Larry”?

Tyrone Green: [smoothly] “Oh, you must, you must, I wouldn’t feel right about it if you didn’t.”

Dick Cavett: Well done, Terrone, that’s absolutely right. Um…

[laughter and applause]

Dick Cavett: You’ve won the honor of being interviewed by me. Um… All you have to do is–

Tyrone Green: Hold me, hold me back.

Dick Cavett: All you have to do is engage, uh, in some witty banter with me for 30 seconds, and if at any time you mention the secret word, you’ll win our grand prize. Is this clear?

Tyrone Green: [ thinks ] I would really like to see you dead, man.

[laughter]

Dick Cavett: [places finger to lips] We only have 30 seconds. Um… Well, then, if the anethemous string quartet could give us the back half of the “Minute Waltz,” we’ll begin.

[string quartet starts in]

Dick Cavett: You know, Terrone, after seeing some “Shakespeare in the Park,” I, I like nothing better than to go to one of my or Woody’s favorite eateries, “Elaine’s.” Um… do you have a particular favorite spot that you like to go to after purveying a bit of The Bard?

Tyrone Green: [to musicians] SHUT THE HELL UP!!!

[The string quartet keeps on playing.]

Tyrone Green: Only bourgeois trash purvey a bit of The Bard, man. I like to go to the “Enter the Dragon,” then I go down to Cozy Kitten social club, have somethin’ ta eat, and I like to sit around ’cause they got a scintillating ambiance, y’know, and the sounds–

[The strings suddenly play happy notes as a duck drops down from the ceiling with a card reading “AMBIANCE” around its neck.]

Dick Cavett: My goodness, that’s…

[cheers and applause]

Dick Cavett: Well, well done, Terrone, you’ve said the secret word. Unfortunately, an obvious one, but nonetheless, “ambiance.” Um, Oriana, would you please tell Mr. Green what he’s won?

[CUT to Oriana in her black sweater with her cigarette.]

Oriana Fallaci: Sure, Dick, eeehmmm… You-a will be a-writing in comfort for the next year on a generous grant, ehh, from the Chubb Group of Insurance Companies, ehh.

[FADE to the “CHUBB GROUP” logo.]

Oriana Fallaci: Which, uhhh, of course are Facists, uh, everybody knows this, Dick.

[CUT back to Cavett and Green.]

Dick Cavett: Thank you very much, Oriana. Well, I have had a splendid time–

Tyrone Green: I want it NOW, man.

[ZOOM OUT as the string quartet starts up the theme music.]

Tyrone Green: I want prizes NOW, man, in gold.

Dick Cavett: Um… I hope we do this again soon, um…

Tyrone Green: [to musicians] I’m gonna shove them oboes down your throats!

Dick Cavett: Um… we’ll see you all again, then, tomorrow, um, *during the super bowl.*

Tyrone Green: I want my soul NOW, man.

[SUPERIMPOSE “I’ll Be the Judge of That” logo as audience cheers loudly. FADE to black as Tyrone vaults off the platform toward the string quartet.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 11



Search Now:

82k: Rick Moranis & Dave Thomas / The Bus Boys

Bob Hope’s Superbowl Party

Bob Hope…..Dave Thomas
Woody Allen…..Rick Moranis
Frank Sinatra…..Joe Piscopo

[ open on low angle shot of a putter hitting a golf ball across a carpeted floor. Pan up to reveal a tuxedo-clad Bob Hope clutching the putter, as he sings “Thanks For the Memories.” ]

[ the doorbell rings. Bob glances toward the audience in mock surprise, then walks across the room to answer the door. ]

[ a nervous, nebbishly-dressed Woody Allen enters the room ]

Bob Hope: Hi, Woody! Come on in!

Woody Allen: Boy, uh.. I’m not dressed or anything! I didn’t expect a Superbowl party to be black tie!

Bob Hope: No, no, no. I’m not dressed like this because of the Superbowl – I always wear a tuxedo in my Awards Room.

Woody Allen: Geez.. it’s a lot of awards. [ looks around the room, notices a huge safe dor embedded into the wall ] Wait a second! What’s this over here – a branch for California Federal?!

Bob Hope: Get away from that! That’s my joke vault!

[ Woody steps towards the audience, breaking the fourth wall ]

Woody Allen: I know what you’re thinking. What am I doing here? This is just a cheap excuse to throw some impressions together in a – a lame television sketch. You talk about cheap – I mean, the man’s got a prop vault in his living room!

Bob Hope: [ enters frame ] Hey, what are you doing, talking to the camera? Two can play that game! [ addresses the audience ] Hi, ladies and gentlemen, this is Bob Hope! Welcome to my home in Palm Springs. [ chuckles ]

[ the doorbell rings ]

Bob Hope: I’ll get it.

[ Bob answers the door to Frank Sinatra ]

Bob Hope: Frank!

Frank Sinatra: Robert. How are you? [ they embrace ] You know, Hope – Hope, you look terrific. [ Bob chuckles ] For an old man.

Bob Hope: Hey, take it easy. [ pats Frank’s hair ] You’ve got more plugs here than AT&T!

Frank Sinatra: I understand that you haven’t been working too much lately, Robert. I’ll see what I can do about starting a war.

Bob Hope: Yeah, well, I guess now that Maya Lansky’s gone, the world’s your clam, huh, Frank?

[ Woody Allen, left standing off to the side, turns again to address the audience ]

Woody Allen: Great. Maya Lansky jokes. I’m here with the Mob, and I’m the only Jew in the room! They’re probably gonna make me keep the books! What am I doing here? What could I possibly have in common with Frank Sinatra?!

[ Bob and Frank step up to stand behind Woody’s shoulders ]

Bob Hope: How ’bout Mia Farrow?

Frank Sinatra: [ pats Woody’s back ] How does it feel to have seconds?

Bob Hope: Hey – don’t you mean third? Wasn’t she done in by the Devil? [ chuckles ]

Woody Allen: Lay off, willya, fellas? Does somebody wanna turn on the Superbowl or something? I mean, that’s why we’re here, isn’t it?

Frank Sinatra: Sit.

Woody Allen: You want me to sit?

Frank Sinatra: Sit!

Woody Allen: I’ll sit! [ scrambles to sit on the couch ]

Bob Hope: Gee – that’s what I call the Wood House Method! [ chuckles ]

Frank Sinatra: Did you tell him yet?

Bob Hope: Uh – no. I-I forgot, Frank. I-I’ll tell him right now. [ sits next to Woody ] Uh – Woody. [ pauses, chickens out ] Frank’s got something to tell you!

Frank Sinatra: You know, Wood Man. As a, uh, young type modern liberal hip cat, we thought it would be groovy if you helped The Man do four more. Capiche?

[ Woody appears confused ]

Bob Hope: Well, let me translate for my partner, Tonto, here. He wants you to help us keep Ronnie Reagan in the White House in ’84.

Woody Allen: Wait a second, fellas, you’re barking up the wrong tree. I keep right out of politics now! Besides, what’s the hurry? The election’s two years away!

Bob Hope: Gee, well, with my schedule, I like to book in advance, you know?

Frank Sinatra: Alright, alright, alright. Look – this is the plan. See, me and Hope, we cover one segment of the voters, and you cover the other segment. You know, like the faggots and the, uh.. the Commies, the liberals, and that sort of thing. Now, if you could get that scum vote on Ronnie’s side, we’d appreciate it very much.

Woody Allen: [ shakes his head, distraught ] No problem, absolutely, you got me. As a matter of fact, give me the phone right now, I’ve got my faggot phone book with me, I can get the whole scum boat on our side right away!

Bob Hope: Gee, that’s great! It worked, Frank!

Frank Sinatra: Marvelous. Let’s watch the game. I wonder who’s winning – the Phins or the Skins?

Woody Allen: Listen, fellas, I was kidding! I don’t know if I can help you with the Reagan thing! Come on! I mean – I mean, I get hives around horses and conservatives!

[ Frank turns the Superbowl on, watches intensely for a few seconds, then grabs the phone off the wall and dials ]

Frank Sinatra: Yeah. Pasadena, please. Get me the Miami sideline.

Bob Hope: Hey. Wait a minute. Is that long-distance?

[ Frank hands Bob a wad of bills ]

Bob Hope: A hundred bucks?! Yuo have three minutes, sir!

Woody Allen: [ speaks incredulously to the audience ] The man is calling the Superbowl.

Frank Sinatra: Alright, look – tell Don Schuler that Frank says the Redskins are gonna win this game. Yeah, I thought it would be nice if you guys fumbled the punt three times. Thank you so much.

[ the camera zooms in on the game on the TV screen, as the Miami Dolphins fumble the punt three tmes ]

[ Frank turns the TV off, as an amazed Woody jumps to his feet ]

Woody Allen: He can call Don Schumer and order a-a fumble like that?! [ snaps his fingers ]

Bob Hope: Listen – if he can get his kids singing gigs, he can do anything!

Frank Sinatra: Alright, alright, look – Pee-Wee, Pee-Wee, you gonna help us with this, uh, Reagan campaign thing or what?

Woody Allen: Well, actually, it’s against my political beliefs, guys.

[ Bob growls and barks at Woody, as Frank simply gives him the evil eye ]

Woody Allen: But, on the other hand, I prefer not to become part of a highway!

Frank Sinatra: Great, great. Good, good. You can direct the camapign commercials.

Bob Hope: Yeah. But make ’em funny, not like your last couple of movies.

Frank Sinatra: Yeah, yeah, here we go. Okay, here we go. Me and Robert worked this little thing out. Hit that – hit that thing over there.

Bob Hope: Oh, yeah. Okay. [ hits a stereo button ] Les?

[ the theme to “Love and Marriage” plays, as Frank and Bob move about the room ]

Frank & Bob,: [ singing ]
“Ron and Nancy
Ron and Nancy
They go together like a horse and carriage –“

[ the camera zooms in on Woody, as he once more addresses the audience ]

Woody Allen: I was right – it was just a cheap excuse to throw some lame impressions together. Somebody really should put a stop to this. As much as I hate to do this, I find it kind of embarrassing, but – “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 11




Search Now:

82k: Rick Moranis & Dave Thomas / The Bus Boys

Guy Talk

Lenny Ciccilone…..Joe Piscopo
Liberace…..Dave Thomas
Michael Jackson…..Eddie Murphy

[FADE IN on the “GUY TALK” logo as jazz music plays in the background. FADE to Lenny wearing a blue biker jacket.]

Lenny: Hey, how are ya? I’m Lenny Ciccilone over here. Welcome to “Guy Talk.” This is the only show on cable TV where guys can be GUYS, all riiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Tonight we got two guys here: Liberace and Michael Jackson, huh?

[ZOOM OUT to show Liberace on the left and Michael on the right. Both guys are wearing similar white sequined shirts. Audience howls with laughter as Liberace offers a finger wave.]

Lenny: [to Liberace] HEY, hey, Lee, hey, Lee, you ever PUT it to Ann-Margaret, huh? Hey, all right…

Liberace: Well, Len, she’s not really my kind of girl.

Lenny: Yeah, yeah, huh? Well, what kind of “Lee” does Liberace–what kind of woman does, uh, Liberace like?

Liberace: Well, I like them plump and blonde. And with a good set of watermelons. [grins]

Lenny: Hey, I know what you mean, Lee, all right. Hey, you’re in Vegas all the time with those showgirls, huh, talk about BAZOOMS over there, huh? [indicates breasts] Hey, hey, Lee, did you ever go “brumsky”? Brrrrrrrrrrr… [shakes head and flaps his lips] “Brumsky,” huh, huh?

Liberace: Well, no… but I like to have the ladies sit upon my piano and, uh, work the pedals while I dazzle them with the finger work. [wiggles fingers and grins]

Lenny: WHOOO! All right, way ta go, that’s what we’re talkin’ about here. Now Michael, Michael, look–I understand, understand here that Diana Ross discovered you. Hey, hey, you ever discover her, huh? [sticks out his hand and twists it]

Michael Jackson: [in falsetto] Let’s just say than when Diana and I… [audience squeals with laughter] …did “The Wiz,” that I took her over the rainbow lots of times myself.

Lenny: All right, I hear ya. [snickers] I hear ya.

Michael Jackson: You know, Ciccilone, I like a girl that’s really into rough stuff, you know?

Lenny: Yeah, yeah, I know–like Lee, hey, y’know, a macho guy like you, ya find that that macho image, that scares the chicks off, does it, huh?

Liberace: Well, I think that the only thing a woman is scared of, is that she’s not going to get enough–and believe me, Lee always leaves them satisfied.

[laughter]

Michael Jackson: Marvelous!

Lenny: Hey, uh, Lee, you railed a lotta broads. You ever leave ’em a little PRESENT, y’know what I’m talkin’ about, there? [indicates pregnant stomach]

Liberace: Oh, ha ha ha ha. Well, let’s just say there are a lot of kids all over the country with surprising musical ability.

Lenny: Hey, I’m gonna ask you both this. I’m a regular guy, right? So, say I wanna like, y’know hit on a woman, there. What do I gotta say to allow her — so I can jump her bones, eh? What do I gotta say?

Michael Jackson: You know, it’s funny you use that expression “jump her bones.” You know, that’s exactly what I say to a girl when I wanna get to know her. I walk up to her and I say, “Hey, baby, I’ve got to jump your bones.” Nine of the times, I get my face slapped, but that tenth one: it’s magic. It’s wonderful.

[laughter]

Liberace: [nodding] Yes.

Lenny: Well, Lee, Lee, what kind of bouillon do YOU peddle over there?

Liberace: Well… I think APPEARANCE is very important. I — I like to dress nice – that turns a woman on. Then I show her my house. [ snickers ] The next think you know, the panties are hanging on the candelabra, and she’s screaming, “Lee, Lee, oh God, you’re good!” [ snickers, then laughs loudly ]

Lenny: Then you move, you move outta there, right?

Liberace: Absolutely.

Lenny: Yeah.

Michael Jackson: That’s the only way to go: “Slam, bam, thank you ma’am!” [laughs]

Lenny: All right, all right. Hey, y’know, that’s all the time we got here for tonight. But join us next week for “Guy Talk” when we’ll be talking to Quentin Crisp and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Take care!

[Lenny pumps his fist as Liberace and Michael reach across to shake hands. FADE to “GUY TALK” logo, then FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 11

82k: Rick Moranis & Dave Thomas / The Bus Boys

Goodnights

…..Rick Moranis
…..Dave Thomas

Rick Moranis: Thank you very much.

Dave Thomas: Well —

Rick Moranis: Thank you, Dick Ebersol. Thank you, everybody here.

Dave Thomas: Thanks a lot!

Rick Moranis: It was a great week, we had a great time, thanks so much!

[ zoom out as the cast waves goodnight underneath the credits ]

Don Pardo V/O: Join us next week on “Saturday Night Live”, with musical guest Joe Cocker! Our host will be the legendary Sid Caesar! I wonder if Sid remembers that I, Don Pardo, was the announcer on “Your Show of Shows” in 1953 – or was it 1952? Or was it Milton Berle? In any case, it was my favorte year! This is Don Pardo saying: “Good night.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 11



Search Now:

82k: Rick Moranis & Dave Thomas / The Bus Boys

Gerry Todd’s Porta-Dish

Gerry Todd…..Rick Moranis

[ open on Gerry Todd in a control booth facing away from the camera, staring into a bank of television sets broadcasting various feeds, including several of himself staring at the television sets ]

Gerry Todd: Ha ha ha ha ha! [ turns around ] How are you? Grry Todd with ya’! You know – you know, video has come a long way since the days of the Big Three networks. Why, with today’s cable, you can get thirty, forty, maybe fifty channels. But if you’re a videophile like me, you’ll find that even isn’t enough. Well, thanks to satellite transmission, there are now literally thousands of broadcasts going on every hour, all around the world. Now, I know what you’re saying – you’re saying, “Gerry, how the heck can I afford to get those broadcasts on those dishes, they’re darn expensive!”

Well! Take a looksie at this: [ holds up a china eating dish with a thing sticking out of the middle ] This is a new dish that anyone can afford. It’s a new portable model, it’s unbelievable! It does everything the big ones do, plus it comes in dozens of patterns, it’s completely unbreakable, and it’s dishwasher-safe! And wait ’til you see the things that this baby pulls in!

[ picture turns to snow, then clears up on festive muzak and a blue screen filled with a scrolling list of city names and percentages – ex. “Boston. . . . . .45%” and “Cairo. . . . . .3%” ]

Gerry Todd V/O: Now, this is the Humidity Chanel. It’s a kind of a spin-off from the Weather Channel. Boy, it’s dry in Cairo, isn’t it? That’s handy to know! 56 in Europe.

[ picture turns to snow, then clears up on a couple of women flipping upside-down on trampolines, with the superimposed number “1,215,754” rising by one digit with each flip ]

Oh, now, this is the Trampoline Channel. This is from Czechoslavakia, this.

[ picture turns to snow, then clears up on a man walking through a Western scene firing a rifle ]

Oh, this is the Rifleman Channel. They run these 24 hours a day – I’ve got all these on VHS already, though.

[ picture turns to snow, then clears up on a microscopic slide images ]

Oh, now this is almost educational – this is the Microbiology Channel. It’s fun to turn down the sound, do your own narrations with these.

[ picture turns to snow, then clears up on a scrolling list of alphabetized names – ex. “Jim Fish”, “Jim L. Fish”, “Joe Bob Fish”, “Vern Fish”, “Vern Fish, Jr.”, “Vern Bob Fish”, etc. ]

Oh, now this is the Census Channel. Your name comes up about once every six months.

[ picture turns to snow, then clears up on an old black-and-white movie with mangled subtitles ]

Man in Film: That I don’t know. [ subtitle: “Taht I dont wonk.” ] By the way… [ subtitle: “Yb the yaw…” ]

Gerry Todd: Now, this is interesting – this is the Dyslexia Channel.

Man in Film: How did Tom and Betty make out today? [ subtitle: “Who dod Mot and Tebby mak out toady?” ]

Woman in Film: They’ve taken their new assignment very seriously. [ subtitle: “Thr taken or noo angsiment vy cereal.” ]

Gerry Todd: It’s closed-captioning for dyslexics.

Woman in Film: They worked all afternoon. [ subtitle: “Hey word al antlerfoon.” ]

Gerry Todd: I think that’s kind of a good public service, myself.

[ picture turns to snow, then clears up on native Africans dancing with spears to Toni Basil’s “Mickey” ]

Now, this is “African Bandstand.” Ah, Dick Clark produces that out of Zimbabwe, Rhodesia.

[ cut back to Gerry Todd in the control booth ]

Gerry Todd: It’s the Porta-Dish! Thousands of channels. It comes in paper for parties, two sets for your Jewish friends. You’ll need never — [ audience bursts into laughter and applause ] You’ll need never leave the house again!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 11


]]>

Air Date:

Host:



Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


January 29th, 1983

Rick Moranis

Dave Thomas

The Bus Boys

None

None
Bob Hope’s Superbowl PartySummary: A nervous Woody Allen (Rick Moranis) breaks the fourth wall to question the motives of Bob Hope (Dave Thomas) and Frank Sinatra (Joe Piscopo) when they ask him to help re-elect Ronald Reagan in 1984.

Recurring Characters: Bob Hope, Woody Allen, Frank Sinatra.

Transcript

Montage

The McKenzie Brothers’ MonologueSummary: Bob (Rick Moranis) and Doug McKenzie (Dave Thomas) are angered that Don Pardo gave their hotel address to SNL viewers.

The McKenzie Brothers in New York CitySummary: In a filmed segment, Bob (Rick Moranis) and Doug McKenzie (Dave Thomas) observe the landmarks in New York City.

The WhinersSummary: Doug (Joe Piscopo) and Wendy Whiner (Robin Duke) are held hostage during a bank robbery, which culminates with doug taking a bullet.

Recurring Characters: Doug Whiner, Wendy Whiner.

I’ll Be the Judge of ThatSummary: Angry poet Tyrone Green (Eddie Murphy) is the winning contestant on Dick Cavett’s (Rick Moranis) new game show, where all the questions and answers are based on Cavett’s own intellect level.

Recurring Characters: Tyrone Green.

Transcript

The Bus Boys perform “The Boys Are Back In Town”Note: Eddie Murphy joins the band during their performance.

“Hitchcock Hygiene”

Guy TalkSummary: Lenny Ciccilone (Joe Piscopo) chats with a couple of real guys – Liberace (Dave Thomas) and Michael Jackson (Michael Jackson).

Recurring Characters: Liberace, Michael Jackson.

Transcript

Gerry Todd’s Porta-DishSummary: Entrepreneur Gerry Todd (Rick Moranis) shows how to pick up a satellite television signal on a simple china dinner dish.

Transcript

Saturday Night News with Brad HallSummary: Joe Piscopo Sports. Dr. Ruth Westheimer (Mary Gross). Eddie Murphy. Walter Cronkite (Dave Thomas) critiques Brad Hall’s closing salutations.

Recurring Characters: Dr. Ruth Westheimer, Walter Cronkite.

Hell Bent For Glory

Ed McMahon For RentSummary: A partygoer’s (Gary Kroeger) lame jokes only interest the crowd after he hires Ed McMahon (Joe Piscopo) to yuk it up at his side.

Recurring Characters: Ed McMahon.

Five Minutes To ReflectSummary: Rabbi Morton Karloff (Rick Moranis) delivers a sermon on the Five Books of Moses.

Transcript

Ronco Biological Watch

The Bus Boys perform “New Shoes”

Don’t Hitch-HikeSummary: A hitchhiker (Tim Kazurinsky) thinks his luck has changed when an attractive scantily-clad woman picks him up off the side of the road, until their sexual explorations cause them to tumble off a cliff.

Note: Repeat from 10/02/82.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 10


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


January 22nd, 1983

Lily Tomlin

None

Andy Kaufman

Clint Smith
Big Star Eddie Murphy

Montage

Lily Tomlin’s Monologue

Public Survival Announcement

Ma Bell Saleswoman

Speaking as a WomanRecurring Characters: Michael Nash, Dustin Hoffman, Joan Rivers.

A Public Service Announcement

Edith Ann’s Storytime

Solomon’s New CoatRecurring Characters: Pudge, Solomon.

Bag Lady Trudy in the Audience

Saturday Night News with Brad HallRecurring Characters: Havnagootiim Vishnuuerheer.

Pervis Hawkins Sings

FantasyRecurring Characters: Leslie Uggams.

The Irish Radio HourRecurring Characters: Siobhan Cahill, Father Timothy Owens.

Coffees of the World

Jogger MotelNote: Repeat from 10/31/81.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 9

82i: Eddie Murphy / Lionel Richie

Rubik’s Grenade

Narrator: First there was Rubik’s Cube – baffling.

Then there was Rubik’s Snake – ingenious.

Next there was Rubik’s Revenge – mind bending.

Now comes the ultimate challenge – Rubik’s Grenade. The thrill of a lifetime in the palm of you hand. Just scramble the colors, pull the pin, and then begin. You’ve got exactly ten seconds to put those colors back in order.

[Shows a pair of hands desperately trying to solve the puzzle]

Rubik’s Grenade. Maybe the last puzzle you’ll never solve.

[A huge explosion is heard as smoke fills the screen]

Just in time for Christmas.

Submitted by: Larry Petit

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 8: Episode 9

82i: Eddie Murphy / Lionel Richie

Eddie Murphy’s Monologue

…..Eddie Murphy

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, EddieMurphy!

Eddie Murphy: Thank you. Thank you. Ah, it’s -it’s good to be back in New York, uh … And it’s– itwas fun working with these kids this week, I had a great time. … I really can’t believe how hard they work here on this show and it’s like – it was, like, watching the process, seeing them pull together was a lot of fun for me, a nice experience. And a lot of things have been happening in my life right now. I just recorded a comedy album, I have a movie out called 48 Hours and things have–

I just moved into a house on Long Island which is very spooky. [cheers and applause for Long Island] LongIsland! Old, uh, Jewish man died in my house. … And it’s a Jewish ghost in my house which is very nerve-wracking. You’re walkin’ through the house and you hear: [old Jewish man’s voice] “Boo! … Get off my lawn, you schwartze! … [cheers and applause]Boo-ooo! I’m under the bed now! …. Or maybe I’m not. Who knows? Maybe. I could be. Who cares? … I could be under the bed.”

[normal voice] It’s real scary. You know what I was wondering about movies? I was watching those movies –I’m moving out of my house, I was watching movies like Poltergeist and Amityville Horror. Why don’t the people just get the hell out of the house?… You can’t make a horror movie with black people init ‘cuz the movie’d stop, you’d see niggers runnin’ down the street, the movie’s over! … That’s the movie. You can’t have a movie like that. See, white people, you all sit on the toilet, see blood in the toilet, and you all go get Ajax. … Brothers won’t sit on the toilet. … Movie be just like this:[brother’s voice] “Wow, baby, this is beautiful. We got chandelier hangin’ up here, kids outside playin’, it’s a beautiful neighborhood, I really love – this is beaut–” [demonic whisper] “Get out!” [brother’svoice] “Too bad we can’t stay.” [instantly spins, starts walking upstage] … [cheers and applause, Eddie returns to face the crowd, wipes hisnose]

My nose is runnin’ and I don’t want to look– people thinking’ I’m nasty. I have a cold. … I was playin’ ball today. You ever play basketball when you have a cold? And make a fast move and snot shoot out at ya?[whips his head around, pretends to get hit in the eye by a cold blob of snot] … Ah, that was in bad taste,I shouldn’t’ve did it. But it was funny, so what? …

Here’s some more stuff in bad taste. [pulls sunglasses out of pocket, puts them on, does his Stevie Wonderimpression, head rocking slowly from side to side] …[cheers and applause, Eddie as Stevie claps his hands and croons wordlessly, then he takes off the glasses and laughs] The brothers don’t like when you do Stevie. … Brother be sayin’: [angry brother voice]”HEY, MAN, THAT’S NOT FUNNY! … STEVIE IS BLIND, MAN![wipes his nose with the sleeve of his jacket] … DO’EM AGAIN, YOU GON’ GET HURT!” [But Eddie puts the glasses back on and plays Stevie again] …[applause]

[normal voice] Stevie Wonder likes the impression! That’s why I do it. I met Stevie Wonder in Atlanta. He liked it. Don’t think like Stevie’s sittin’ home in his living room goin’: [sad voice] “Wow, I’m blind. That’s messed up, man.” … [normal voice] He’s not. Stevie’s a very happy person. You see him smilin’ all the time. I say, “Stevie, why you so happy?” He say,”‘Cuz I’m rich, that’s why.” … Stevie’s very happy.

He walked up to me in Atlanta, too. He walks up to me, he goes: [as Stevie Wonder] “Eddie, if you – ever imitate me again – I’ll kick your behind.” …[removes glasses, normal voice, supercool] Needless to say, I wasn’t afraid. … I’d kill Stevie Wonder in a fight. … [suddenly starts shadowboxing with an imaginary Stevie Wonder] Step off, Steve! Step off![with his back to the audience, Eddie throws a punch]BIFF! [Eddie spins around as Stevie, in a boxing stance, his dark glasses crooked on his nose as if hehad just taken a punch in the face ] “Aw, you shouldn’t ‘a’ did that!” … [Eddie as Stevie bobs and weaves with fists in the air like a boxer, cheers and applause, Eddie stops, breaks into a smile, takes off the glasses, normal voice] You’re a lot of fun! Watch the show! Stick around! Thank you. [Eddie basks in the huge cheers and applause as we fade out]

Submitted Anonymously

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 9

82i: Eddie Murphy / Lionel Richie

A Special Christmas Message

April May June … Julia Louis-Dreyfus

[An organ plays “O Come All Ye Faithful” and continuesunder the entire sketch.]

Announcer V/O: [youthful, Southern accentedvoice] And now a special Christmas message from AprilMay June.

[Televangelist April May June, in jewels and white furcoat, walks to her podium in front of aflower-bedecked trellis and addresses the camera witha pronounced Southern drawl.]

April May June: Hello, friends. It’sChristmastime and that means more than a fur coat androastin’ nuts. It’s Jesus’ birthday! Do youknow the story of Jesus’ birth? Well, poor Mary washeavy with child and she and her husband Josephcouldn’t find room in any of the hotels so they founda barn with a star on top where Jesus was born.

And all the animals in the barn were very quiet whenthey saw the baby Jesus. And all the shepherdsfollowed the star and came to look at the sweet baby.And the three wise men came and gave the baby Jesusgold, frankincense and pork — to see if he wasJewish.

Baby Jesus was so sweet and good and didn’t cry allnight and keep his mommy up like some babies who neverlet their mommies sleep and then the mommiesget bags under their eyes and then they looklike hell in front of the camera the next day.[chuckles self-consciously as she recovers herpoise]

So, it was a nice and holy time for everyone,hallelujah. But, you know something? Somethingsurprises me. I wonder why Mary couldn’t get a room. Imean, after all, she’s carryin’ God’s child.What do you mean “No room at the inn”? Howcould the one and only Holy Family take no for ananswer? You don’t read in the Bible about Josepharguin’ with the man at the front desk for fifteenminutes about a room, do you? I mean, what was hedoin’? Where was his spine?! He just lethis wife have her baby in some nasty barn?! Youknow how men are! I mean, he was a carpenter!He coulda built her a house! What washe? Just along for the ride?! You know, I don’tthink Joseph ought to be a saint. Mary had the childof God and performed a whole host of other miracles,hallelujah. All Joseph did was get some aspirin namedafter him. Big deal!

Merry Christmas.

[Cheers and applause as we fade out on a smiling AprilMay June.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts