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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 5: Episode 19

79s: Steve Martin / 3-D, Paul & Linda McCartney

Real Incredible People

Chet Napes…..Steve Martin
Amelia Kane…..Gilda Radner
Bob Lylo…..Bill Murray
Buddy Bishop…..Harry Shearer
Marsha Craven…..Laraine Newman
…..Akira Yoshimura
Lucia Newell…..Jane Curtin
Willis Gaston…..Garrett Morris
Man in Audience #1…..Max Pross
Man in Audience #2…..Jim Downey
Woman in Audience…..Jean Doumanian
Man in Audience #3…..Tom Gammill

[ open on shot of audience members in the studio balcony ]

Announcer: And now, it’s time for “Real Incredible People”! [ title card zooms in ] The show that believes that real people are incredible!

[ dissolve to stage ]

Announcer: And now, here’s our “Real Incredible People” people: Chet Napes! [ Chet runs on stage ] Amelia Kane! [ Amelia runs on stage ] Bob Lylo! [ Bob runs through the audience to stage ] Buddy Bishop! [ Buddy runs on stage ] Marsha Craven! [ Marsha runs on stage ]

Chet Napes: Tonight on “Real Incredible People”, we’ll visit a man who has never opened his mail!

[ wipe to image of man seated on couch surrounded by unopened mail ]

Amelia Kane: Then, we’ll look at a woman who had the shape of her nose surgically altered!

[ wipe to image of woman facing sideways with a mismatched nose ]

Bob Lylo: And we’ll show you a man who gets around in what he calls… an electric wheelchair!

[ wipe to image of old man sitting peacefully in an electric wheelchair ]

Buddy Bishop: Then, we’ll be visiting a woman who owns… FOURTEEN DOGS!

[ wipe to image of woman with fourteen dogs on leashes ]

Marsha Craven: And we’ll be talking to a man who likes to dress up like a woman and have sex with other men!

[ wipe to image of man dressed as woman ]

Chet Napes: BUt before we meet those REAL INCREDIBLE people, our first incredible guest is a man who really knows the meaning of… Stick-to-it-ivness!

Buddy Bishop: That’s right, Chet! He’s a man who talks softly… and carries TWO sticks!

Amelia Kane: But… they aren’t big!

Marsha Craven: He uses them to eat… RAW FISH!

Bob Lylo: Did you say raw fish, Marsha?

Marsha Craven: That’s right! But don’t take my word for it!

[ Oriental music plays, as we dissolve to Akira Yoshimura eating sushi ]

Marsha Craven V/O: Akira Yoshimura eats fish using two sticks made from a tree. The fish isn’t even cooked! It’s RAW!! [ the panel groans and oohs ] Even though Mr. Yoshimura can use a knife and a fork, he says he prefers eating with the two small sticks!

Buddy Bishop: That is hard to believe! Gosh, Marsha, when you were doing the story, did you eat any of the raw fish with the two sticks?

Marsha Craven: Well… I got as far as picking up the fish with the two sticks, but I didn’t eat any!

[ the panel laughs ]

Chet Napes: He was a REAL incredible person, Marsha, but perhaps not as incredible as our next REAL INCREDIBLE PERSON!

Amelia Kane: She does something EVERY NIGHT!

Buddy Bishop: In bed!

Bob Lylo: Before she goes to sleep.

Marsha Craven: Something in bed every night… before she goes to sleep!

Buddy Bishop: Have we made you think it’s sex? [ he chuckles heartily ] Well, it isn’t!

[ the panel laughs ]

Amelia Kane: No! But this woman actually READS every night before she goes to sleep!

[ dissolve to Lucia Newell happily reading in bed ]

Amelia Kane V/O: EVERY Night, for the last eight years — and EVERY night except one, for the past fifteen years — Lucia Newell has read at least one chapter of a book, or an ENTIRE magazine, before going to sleep! [ the panel is impressed ] Excuse me! Ms. Newell! What book is that you’re reading?

Lucia Newell: Uh — it’s called “Lord of the Rings”, by J.R.R. Tolkien!

Amelia Kane: And… what’s it about?

Lucia Newell: Oh! It’s about little furry people who live in the Middle Earth, and who have magic jewels and battles with forces of evil.

Amelia Kane: Wow-ow-ow!! That’s REALLY incredible!! And… what was that book you told me about when I called you?

Lucia Newell: [ thinking ] Oh! “Tale of Two Cities”! It’s about two men during the French Revolution. One lives in London, and one lives in France — and they look EXACTLY alike, and they switch identities!

The Panel: THAT’S AMAZING!!! THAT’S INCREDIBLE!!!

Chet Napes: Did you say they look exactly alike?

Lucia Newell: Yeah! And one gives his life for the other!

Amelia Kane: INCREDIBLE!!

Buddy Bishop: And this was the French Revolution, you say?

Lucia Newell: Yeah! There was a Revolution in France in 1789… when the feudal system was overthrown by the French people.

Bob Lylo: Wait! Overthrown? Completely overthrown?!

Lucia Newell: Yeah!

Bob Lylo: THAT’S INCREDIBLE!!

Marsha Craven: And, hey — have you been to Paris?

Lucia Newell: Yes.

Chet Napes: THAT’S INCREDIBLE!!! [ he stomps his feet ]

Amelia Kane: Well, we’d love to have you back on the show again! Would you have more books to tell us about?

Lucia Newell: Certainly!

Chet Napes: It’s always great to hear a story!

[ the audience applauds Lucia’s feat ]

Marsha Craven: These stories are incredible, Chet! But you won’t believe your eyes when you meet our next guest!

Bob Lylo: That’s right, Marsha. We have in the studio, a guest whose skin is very dark-brown!

Marsha Craven: Was he in a fire?

Bob Lylo: Let’s just bring him out! Please welcome Willis Gaston!

[ Willis Gaston, a black man, walks past the audience and takes a seat on stage between the hosts ]

Bob Lylo: Well! Mr. Gaston! How do you do it?

Willis Gaston: I don’t do anything, man! That’s just the way I am!

Bob Lylo: Well, it’s INCREDIBLE!! Yeah! Show them your palm! Look at this!

[ Gaston raises his hands to reveal their stunning blackness ]

Marsha Craven: Wow! Mr. Gaston, do people pay more attention to you because your skin is so dark?

Willis Gaston: Well, it depends where I am! If I’m out around a lot of black folk, it doesn’t make any difference!

Amelia Kane: You mean, there are people with black skin?

Willis Gaston: Yeahhhh…

Bob Lylo: WOW!!! THAT’S INCREDIBLE!!!

Marsha Craven: Wow! Maybe next time, we can have one of those BLACK persons on the show!

Willis Gaston: That WOULD be incredible!

[ the audience applauds his feat ]

Bob Lylo: Well, you know — every week, we meet LOTS of REAL INCREDIBLE PEOPLE! And one thing that we’ve found is that some of the MOST incredible people… are the REAL PEOPLE in our studio audience! So let’s meet some of the really incredible people who are here today!

[ cut to Chet standing next to a man in the audience ]

Chet Napes: What’s incredible about you?

Man in Audience #1: I flew up to the top of Pike’s Peak!

Chet Napes: Wow!! That’s INCREDIBLE!!

[ cut to Buddy standing over a second man in the audience ]

Buddy Bishop: Hi! What’s incredible about you?

Man in Audience #2: Remember those Pet Rocks a couple years ago?

Buddy Bishop: Sure!

Man in Audience #2: I BOUGHT one!

Buddy Bishop: That’s incredible!

[ cut to Marsha standing with a woman from the audience ]

Marsha Craven: Hey! What’s incredible about you?

Woman in Audience: I saw Debbie Reynolds in the supermarket!

Marsha Craven: That’s incredible!

[ cut to Bob standing next to the second man in the audience again ]

Bob Lylo: Hey, what’s incredible about you?

Man in Audience #2: My sister used to be a nun, but now she’s NOT any more!

Bob Lylo: That’s incredible!! Aren’t you the guy with the Pet Rock?

Man in Audience #2: Yes!

Bob Lylo: THAT IS INCREDIBLE!!!

[ cut to GR standing next to third man from the audience ]

Amelia Kane: Hey! What’s incredible about you?

Man in Audience #3: What’s incredible about ME… is that I’m on “REAL INCREDIBLE PEOPLE”!!

[ cut to audience clapping, as title card zooms in ]

[ fade ]

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 19

79s: Steve Martin / 3-D, Paul & Linda McCartney

Reagan Dinner

Stephanie…..Laraine Newman
Ronald Reagan…..Harry Shearer
Niles…..Bill Murray
Ed…..Steve Martin
Nancy Reagan…..Jane Curtin
Waiter…..Brian Doyle-Murray

[ open on restaurant setting, zoom in on table of Governor Ronald Reagan and his party ]

Stephanie: Governor, what do you think of President Carter’s policy on the influx of Cuban refugees?

Ronald Reagan: Well, I’d say the answer to that is… Maybe it’s time we put President Carter on welfare.

[ the group laughs ]

Niles: Governor, that’s very glib, but if my paper is going to endorse you in the Primary, we’ll need more than just cute one-liners.

Ed: Now, Niles, be fair — the man hasn’t finished his dinner yet, and already you want a State of the Union Address!

Stephanie: Well, I think Niles sometimes underestimates the value of a good one-liner. I mean, that’s what viewers seem to remember most about our newscasts — a good kicker line! I mean, we had one the other night. I think it was, uh… It was raining this month, too, and we had… we were doing a special series on how to lose weight. And my co-anchorperson, Bob Hawkins, just ad-libbed this line: “The more weight you lose… [ thinking ] the less of you there is to sweat!” Well, I want to tell you that switchboard went CRAZY! And the crew, of course… well, they loved it!

Ronald Reagan: [ smiling ] That’s great.

Niles: Governor, I know we don’t have you very much longer…

Ronald Reagan: No, and I’m sorry about that, but you know how tightly they schedule your time once it becomes pretty obvious that… you’re gonna win. Everybody wants a little piece of you. I think next time’s supposed to be at a potato festival in Boise!

Ed: Uh, Governor, for your own reference, the next appearance is at a Lion’s Club dinner in Seattle. The Potato Festival was last week.

Ronald Reagan: Oh, yes… yes, yes, that’s right. Nancy, that was where you sat on that cottage fry, wasn’t it, Mommy?

Nancy Reagan: No, dear, that was Denver.

Ronald Reagan: Yes… well. That’s substantially what I said.

Niles: Well, Governor, what about the hostages? Now, if we don’t back down… do we bomb our way in?

Ronald Reagan: Well, sir… I kind of look at it this way: Maybe it’s time we put the Ayatollah Khomeini on welfare!

[ the group laughs ]

Stephanie: Well, Governor, that would be one welfare mother we could do without, huh?

Ronald Reagan: [ he chuckles ] I think so!

Ed: Uh, on that note, I think we’re gonna have to blow the whistle here. But please be our guest for dinner, alright? [ he grabs the bill ]

Niles: No, no… we went over that before, Ed. Our paper has a policy that we never go out on anybody’s tab.

Ed: Now, come on — even the next President’s?

Niles: Anybody’s. Let’s divvy up the bill instead. [ he takes out some cash ]

Stephanie: I’m just thinking… I wonder if our station has a policy on that? [ Niles turns away ] I guess we do.

Ronald Reagan: Well… I had the uh, veal cordon bleu, and Mommy had the salmon tips, and, uh, if we split the wine, that would put us at about thirty dollars.

Ed: Uh, sir, if I remember correctly, you had the steak, Stephanie had the veal.

Ronald Reagan: Oh… yes.

Stephanie: Oh, that’s right! The man is so convincing, you know? I forgot what I had! It’s amazing, it really — it’s a gift!

Ronald Reagan: Well, then, Ed, uh… I guess, as I recall, the steak — I have a kind of mind for these kind of trivial figures. I think it wwas $5.95, wasn’t it?

Ed: Uh, sir… just to err on the side of accuracy, the steak was $12.75.

Ronald Reagan: [ laughing ] Well, you know, if you run for President every four years, you don’t often pay for your own steak!

Niles: [ handing money over ] Well, here’s $20 — that should cover me.

Stephanie: [ handing money over ] Yeah, here’s $20 for me — I should get three back.

Ronald Reagan: [ handing money over ] Here you go, Ed – that’s for me and Mommy!

Ed: [ hands money to Stephanie ] Here’s three back. [ he looks up ] Waiter?

[ the Waiter comes over to collect the bill ]

Ronald Reagan: [ to his party ] I just want to re-emphasize, once again, how unjust it is that Vietnam veterans are NOT eligible for the G.I. Bill. Now, Mr. Carter has had FOUR years —

Waiter: Uh, excuse me for eavesdropping, but… my brother is a Vietnam vet, and, uh, the G.I. Bill put him through Med School. [ he walks off ]

Ronald Reagan: Well… maybe we ought to put the Maitre’d on welfare! [ the group is silent ] Well, I’m not gonna give you a little speech about how you should endorse me in the Primary. I think you two can make up your own minds about what’s best for the people of Oregon.

Niles: Yes, sir.

Ronald Reagan: But I can tell you one thing: That check would have been a lot smaller… if this state didn’t impose a sales tax on its people. Well… good meeting you, Niles. [ he shakes Niles’ hand ] All my best, Stephanie. [ he shakes Stephanie’s hand ]

Stephanie: Thank you.

Ronald Reagan: Come on, Mommy! We don’t want to keep those Potato Heads waiting!

Ed: [ getting up ] We’ll check back in a few days, folks. If there’s anything we can do, please give us a call, alright? Thank you. Good bye.

Ronald Reagan: Good bye.

Nancy Reagan: Bye.

Ed: Let’s go.

[ Ed leads Mr. and Mrs. Reagan out of the restaurant ]

Stephanie: Niles, Oregon doesn’t have a sales tax, do we?

Niles: No.

Stephanie: I didn’t think so. God, it’s amazing!

Niles: [ steamed ] Yes. It is.

Stephanie: I mean, the man looks TEN YEARS younger in person, don’t you think?

[ Stephanie exits the booth, as Niles gives her a furrowed look ]

[ camera pans out on set, with SUPER: “Coming up next: Steosexuality” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Time Warner Cable Packages | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

Steve Martin’s Monologue

…..Steve Martin

Steve Martin: Do I look okay? I know what you’re saying. You’re saying, “Hey. Where has Steve been? Haven’t seen him on ‘Saturday Night Live’ in a while..” [ chuckles ] They want me. They call me every week to do the show. But I have been holding out for a little bit of this.. [ rubs his fingers together ] And so the calls fly back and forth, and I made a deal, and I’m very happy to be here tonight. I wish I’d asked for money instead of a little bit of this.. [ rubs his fingers together again ]

You probably heard I was into the comedy thing. Kind of getting out of that now.. into a little more serious deal. And so that’s why right now I’d like to talk about “What.. I.. Believe..”

[ heavy music starts to play ]

“What I Believe.”

I believe in rainbows and puppy dogs and fairy tales.

And I believe in the family – Mom and Dad and Grandma.. and Uncle Tom,who waves his penis.

And I believe 8 of the 10 Commandments.

And I believe in going to church every Sunday, unless there’s a game on.

And I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, wholesome and natural things.. that money can buy.

And I believe it’s derogatory to refer to a woman’s breasts as “boobs”, “jugs”, “winnebagos” or “golden bozos”.. and that you should only refer to them as “hooters”.

And I believe you should put a woman on a pedestal.. high enough so youcan look up her dress.

And I believe in equality, equality for everyone.. no matter how stupidthey are, or how much better I am than they are.

And, people say I’m crazy for believing this, but I believe that robots are stealing my luggage.

And I believe I made a mistake when I bought a 30-story 1-bedroom apartment.

And I believe the Battle of the Network Stars should be fought with guns.

And I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was – an arctic region covered with ice.

And, lastly, I believe that of all the evils on this earth, there is nothing worse than the music you’re listening to right now. That’s what I believe.

We’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

The Hominids

Oakna…..Bill Murray
Weena…..Laraine Newman
Hominid #2…..Al Franken
Hominid #3…..Garrett Morris
Hominid #4…..Brian Doyle-Murray
Strange One…..Steve Martin
Mother Hominid…..Gilda Radner

Announcer: A million years ago, May 17, 998020 B.C., man’s remote ancestors, the Hominids, roamed the Savannahs of Africa. Of course, it would be easy to make fun of these precursors of modern man for their brutish appearance and sloppy eating habits, but we should remember that someday we too will have descendents much more advanced than ourselves. What will they think of today’s hamburger “joints” and “mod” Carnaby Street clothes? It is with this sense of humility that we present tonight’s docu-historama on: THE HOMINIDS.

Oakna: It has been a good day.

Mother Hominid: A good day! A good day!

Hominid #2: It sure has been a good day..

Hominid #3: Boy, I am full!

Hominid #4: I hope we eat this much tomorrow!

Mother Hominid: With Oakna as our Father Hunter, we will all have full bellies!

Strange One: [ eating banana ] Uh, say.. not to take anything away from Oakna, but, you know, we were lucky to scare off that lion and take its prey.

Oakna: [ interceding angrily ] The lion knew Oakna, and fled in fright. I am swift, and I am strong.

Strange One: Okay, okay, okay, okay..

Oakna: Now.. it is time to howl at the moon!

Hominid #2: Yes. We howl at moon.

Hominid #3: Yes.

Hominid #4: I will like that.

[ they all walk off, including Oakna, who dumbly steps into the fire and howls in pain ]

Strange One: Hey, Mom.. can I talk to you a second..?

[ the other Hominids can be heard offscreen howling at the moon ]

Mother Hominid: What is it, my Strange One?

Strange One: I don’t know, Mom.. it’s Oakna, he’s driving me crazy..

Mother Hominid: But he is our Father Hunter! He is swift and strong!

Strange One: I know. But he’s so stupid, and he lies constantly.

Mother Hominid: It is dangerous to talk that way about Oakna. I will not listen!

Strange One: Alright, alright.. I’ll draw a little bit. [ draws on rock as Weena pops out of cave ] Oh, hi, Weena, glad to see you!

Weena: You make me wet!

Strange One: Ah, well.. it’s very nice of you to say that. Listen.. I want to show you something.. [ draws the image of a bison on the rock ] How do you like this bison? Look at that!

Weena: [ frightened ] What bison?!

Strange One: Right here. Right here on the wall. You see, it’s got little eyes, and the legs here, and the tail..

Weena: [ screaming ] Oh, no! A bison! A bison!

Strange One: No, no! It’s just the image of a bison.

Weena: Ohhh.. it was scary! You were brave! [ giggles ]Weena want you! [ walks by the fire and shakes her tail for theStrange One ]

Strange One: Well.. okay, I’ll take a little of that! That would be nice..

[ Oakna stomps in, angry, and pulls Weena aside ]

Oakna: You do not get this!

Strange One: Hey, hey, hey! I didn’t do anything!

Oakna: The woman is mine! I am the FatherHunter! I am swift! I am strong!

Strange One: Hey, no one is questioning your swiftness or yourstrength here..

[ the Hominids return and sit in front of the fire ]

Hominid #2: Mmm.. Oakna, the fire is good!

Hominid #4: I like fire!

Oakna: Thank you. Tomorrow, the men will hunt! Perhaps the bison will die for us.

Strange One: Uh, Oakna.. since we’re on that subject again, I have a couple of ideas about the bison hunt I’d kind of like to share them with you. Now, I know you’re the leader, but I want you to hear me out on this, okay? Now, have you ever noticed how we’re always chasing the bison? The fact is, the bison is swifter than we are. Swifter even – and I say this with all due respect – swifter even than Oakna.

Oakna: [ interested ] Ye-e-es?

Strange One: So, come over here and look at this.. [ jumps to the ground to grab some rocks, as Oakna dumbly steps into the fire again and howls ] Let’s say that we represent the rocks – these rocks are us. Now, we’ll put them around in a circle, like this, and this.. [ holds up large rock ] ..will be the bison, alright? Now, whichever way the bison runs, he’ll run into one of us!

Oakna: [ pause ] We are not rocks.

Strange One: [ aghast ] Oh, you’re missing the point! This isso simple!

Hominid #3: Wa-ait.. do you mean that we make a circle around the bison?

Strange One: Yes!

Hominid #3: Oh.. so if the bison runs away from me, he will run to you?

Strange One: Yes!

Hominid #4: That is smart!

Oakna: You are smart. But I am swift. And I am..

Strange One: [ finishing his thought ] Strong.

Oakna: Yes. I am strong, and I am swift!

Strange One: Okay, you are swift and strong, and I am smart.. and, together, we can improve our lives. Perhaps, we can even stop wandering, and build permanent dwellings and domesticate animals. Why, we could then have leisure time to develop a system of symbols, and to record events and communicate ideas, creating a civilization beyond our wildest imagination.

Oakna: You are smart. But it is late, and we must sleep, so tomorrow we can begin on this work.

Good. We must sleep. Yes, let’s hit the dirt. We did good.

Strange One: Yes.

[ everyone spreads out on the ground and falls asleep ]

Oakna: [ sits and watches the Strange One fall asleep behind a rock, then picks up a bigger rock and holds it over the Strange One ] I am strong! [ pounds the Strange One with rock, killing him ] And now, I am smart [ smiles happily, and dumbly steps into the fire once more, burning his foot ]

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update Exclusive Report, Part II

Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello
…..Paul McCartney
…..Linda McCartney

Father Guido Sarducci: Well.. the penny hitting the window didn’t-a work; my serenade didn’t-a work; but I know this is gonna work – a rock! [ turns around, throws rock at window, the lights turn on immediately ] That’s an old gossip columnist-a trick – Miss Rona toaught me-a that one. It’s works every time, he’ll be out I know it, you can-a bet on it! He’s coming, this is it, I can’t-a believe it!

[ Paul McCartney walks outside ]

Paul McCartney: What’s going on here?

Father Guido Sarducci: That rock, it was the milkman.. he did it, and then ran.

Paul McCartney: It wasn’t you?

Father Guido Sarducci: No, it wasn’t me. I’m-a here to do the interview. You know, I wrote you about it and everything, a registered letter..

Paul McCartney: Yeah, but that was supposed to be 11:30 last night, though.. I mean, you know.. it’s five in the morning now..

Father Guido Sarducci: Well.. it’s a long-a story.. There was a time change, you didn’t hear about it? It’s like, every piece of land is one hour less than the other one. It’s a long story.. it’s really involved, it gets a little technical, I don’t think you want to go into it, but that’s the reason..

Paul McCartney: Listen, could we do this tomorrow? ‘Cause, I mean, really, it’s awful late..

Father Guido Sarducci: This is live! Look at this, it’s live television! This a hook-up satellite to the United States. This is it, now, let’s do it! You know what I want to ask you: Is it true that you haven’t had any marijuana in 122 days – yes or no?

Paul McCartney: [ sighs ] It was my understanding that we were just going to talk about the videotape, you know? Are they showing it yet?

Father Guido Sarducci: No, it’s still coming up.. But I just would like to ask you a couple of questions first. Just a couple.

Paul McCartney: Alright, that’s fine. Just as long as they are questions about the tape – just the tape, okay?

Father Guido Sarducci: It has to be questions about the tape? Well.. [ thinking ] ..how long did it take to make-a the tape?

Paul McCartney: Well, it took a lot of time, actually, because I play a lot of different roles on the tape. It’s only about four minutes long itself, but it took over a week to shoot it.

Father Guido Sarducci: If you was still smoking, do you think it would have taken longer or shorter?

Paul McCartney: Well, it might have taken longer.. but it might have seemed shorter than that. But I don’t see how that matters..

Father Guido Sarducci: Well, it would have taken longer, but it would have seemed shorter, that’s your answer?

[ Linda McCartney joins the party ]

Linda McCartney: I thought you were coming at 11:30?

Father Guido Sarducci: Well.. Paul got the time mixed up. It’s a long, long story, but it’s-a like, every piece of land is an hour earlier, and live far aay, so it’s really, really early there..

Paul McCartney: Linda’s in the tape, too.

Linda McCartney: Yeah, Paul plays ten of the characters, and I play two backup singers – one’s a fella.

Paul McCartney: Yeah, you know, most of the characters are based on certain definite people – I mean, for instance, you’ve got the keyboard player of The Sparks, and you’ve got Hank Marvin of The Shadows, you probably know them.

Father Guido Sarducci: Hank Marvin? Well, I’ve heard of him, but I don’t know him personally..

Paul McCartney: Well, we have this saxophone section, and there’s this hippie guy at the end of it. Well, he kind of gets all the stuff wrong..

Linda McCartney: Oh, he’s my favorite, the hippie guy! The sax section is really in time – while they’re going forward, the hippie’s always out of tune and time, he goes back, and..

Paul McCartney: The dancing I have to do is, like, real complicated to do, you know? I have to imagine the people.. it’s..

Father Guido Sarducci: Hey, I bet it is real hard to dance when you’re not stoned, am I right?

Paul McCartney: It wasn’t easy, but.. uh.. are you gonna show the tape?

Father Guido Sarducci: Yes. We are gonna show the tape, for sure. But I just want to aks you one more question, if you don’t mind. It’s very important, people want to know..

Paul McCartney: It’s not about marijuana, right?

Father Guido Sarducci: No.. This is a question I really hate to ask you, ’cause I know everyone always asks you this-a question, but I’m a journalist, I have to do it, if you don’t mind. Paul: If, just-a if, you could be any animal, what would it-a be?

Paul McCartney: Any animal?

Father Guido Sarducci: Any animal.

Paul McCartney: [ thinking ] Koala bear.

Father Guido Sarducci: Koala bear! Did you hear? Koala bear! Is that the little animal all the time, they eat eucalypse leaves, they get-a stoned all the time! Well, you heard it – koals bear! Well, that’s it. And you can take it back, America!

Paul McCartney: Okay, play the tape!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update Exclusive Report

…..Jane Curtin
Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello

Jane Curtin: Good evening! It’s been 122 days since Paul McCartney was arrested in Japan for possession of marijuana; and it’s been 122 days since Paul McCartney last smoked marijuana. now, Weekend Update continues to bring you the most comprehensive coverage of this crisis. We sent to England the same correspondent who almost got an exclusive interview with Paul in a Tokyo priosn. Of course, I’m referring to our own Father Guido Sarducci. Even though it’s 4:30 in the morning over there, we’ve set up a live satellite feed with Father Sarducci in London. Father, are you there?

Father Guido Sarducci: [ via satellite; hair braided ] Hello, Jane. I’m a-standing here in front of-a where Paul McCartney is a-staying in the West End section of London, England.

Jane Curtin: Is Paul there with you, Father?

Father Guido Sarducci: Well, a-not yet, Jane. But he’ll be a-down at any moment, Jane. This here, this is-a his a-office. And up-a there on the second floor, that’s-a his apartment. He’s been holed up-a there since he was-a paroled from a-prison. [ throws penny at window; it bounces off unnoticed ] Secoind floor up there. He should be down-a any minute now. Hey.. I bet you’re a-wondering about my hair, right?

Jane Curtin: It does look a little different.

Father Guido Sarducci: Thank you! This is-a the latest in Italy.. it’s called a Corn Roll. Some people, they call it “Maize Roll”. There’s a new movie just-a come out about a month ago – it’s called “Diez”, it means Number 10. There’s-a a girl in-a the movie, she’s-a real pretty, they say she’s-a real Diez, you know? She’s got hair just-a like this, and all-a the women in Italy, they went and had this. And then this actor, his name is Victor Gasmann – very famous, wonderful actor – came in with his hair like this, and now men have it, too. Costs me 40,000 lira – a lot of money, but I tell you it’s worth it, you know, ’cause they said you could-a leave it like this for-a four or-a five months – don’t have to wash it or nothing!

Jane Curtin: Father, thanks for telling us about your hair, but is Paul McCartney there or not?

Father Guido Sarducci: Well, of course-a he is! This is-a where he’s been a-hiding ever since he’s been-a paroled – I told you that. He’ll be right down any minute now.. if you’ll hold your horses, he’ll be down..

Jane Curtin: Father, you told us you had a definite appointment set up with him for 11:30!

Father Guido Sarducci: That’s right, I did. I sent him a certified letter, and-a everything. But, you know, I think what happened was, he got-a the time messed up. You see, I told him 11:30, but over here now it’s 4:30 in the morning.. and I think, probably, he thought I meant 11:30 England time. It’s a long story, but what it is – the time changes as you travel across-a the ocean. It goes-a like this – every thousand miles, time changes one hour. You know, like, in-a New York-a now, it’s 11:30; then, in Iceland, it’s-a 12:30; then..

Jane Curtin: Father, Father, you said you had it all set up, that Paul McCartney would open the show for us. That’s why we spent so much money to hook up this live remote from London.

Father Guido Sarducci: Well, I think it’s just a matter of a moment, before he wakes up and comes-a down here. You just have to be-a patient.. what it is, it’s trans-atlantic, it seems like that.. it’s very complicated..

Jane Curtin: Father, I don’t think we can wait any longer. We’ve got to start the show.

Father Guido Sarducci: Well.. I guess I could get somebody else to open the show.. but I know Paul is gonna be very, very disappointed..

Jane Curtin: I’m sure he’ll understand.

Father Guido Sarducci: Well.. there’s a lot of people here.. [ points offscreen ] Here’s a fellow, a milkman.. Buddy? Could you come over here a minute, please? Do me a little favor? [ Milkman walks up ] Hey, listen, if you would, please, look into the camera, and I want you to read that.. [ hands him note ] ..if you would, please..

Milkman: [ reads note ] “Live, from New York and London, it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 19

79s: Steve Martin / 3-D, Paul & Linda McCartney

Goodnights

…..Steve Martin

Steve Martin: Well, that’s it for another show, and… we’re standing out here with one minute to kill. So… [ he turns to see Bill Murray still dressed in his deer suit ] Say, that reminds me! Next week’s host will be… Buck!

[ everyone cheers, as Steve points to Bill and the closing music begins to play ]

[ Steve leads the cast and musical guests past the band stage, where he hangs out and jams with them as the cast and musical guests continue to walk past ]

Announcer: Next Saturday Night, our host will be Buck Henry with musical guest Andrew Gold and James Cleveland. Tonight’s Don Pardo’s Announcer’s costume was entirely hand-made! Good night!

[ as the credits continue to roll, we cut to the crew picking up all the equipment in London at daybreak, as Father Guido Sarducci loiters on the sidewalk nearby ]

[ return to the studio, with Steve still jamming with the band ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 19

79s: Steve Martin / 3-D, Paul & Linda McCartney

Deer Crossing

Deer #1…..Steve Martin
Deer #2….Gilda Radner
Cow…..Garrett Morris
Deer #3…..Bill Murray
Female Motorist…..Jane Curtin
Male Motorist…..Al Franken
Deer #4…..Tom Davis

[ open on Deer Crossing sign at the edge of an interstate highway, as two deer standing on hind legs run forward ]

[ they watch and wait as the sound of cars zoom by, then make an effort to cross the interstate while no cars are passing ]

[ suddenly, they quickly turn back as the sound of a passing car fast approaches ]

[ they make another attempt to cross, but run back when they see a car coming ]

[ just then, a cow wanders in on two hind legs ]

Cow: Moooooo! Say… excuse me! But do you know if there might be a Cattle Crossing near?

Deer #1: [ pointing with his hoof ] Uh — there’s one about a mile up the road. But you’re welcome to cross here, if you’d like.

Cow: Noooooooooo, that’s okay! Thank you!

[ the cow slowly ambles off ]

Deer #1: Take care! [ to his fellow deer ] Boy, was he lost! Can you believe that!

[ they watch cars zoom past ]

Deer #1: Now, normally I would have crossed here… but since you’re with me, I’d rather not.

Deer #2: Thank you, Deer!

[ a third Deer hops forward on his hind legs ]

Deer #3: Been waiting long?

Deer #2: Yeah. It’s pretty bad today.

Deer #1: I don’t know how they picked this spot. It’s a pretty ridiculous place for a Deer Crossing.

Deer #3: [ chuckling ] Yeah, well, I can’t wait all day. I’m going.

Deer #2: Don’t! Are you crazy?

Deer #3: [ chuckling ] Look, they have to stop! Right? It’s a Deer Crossing! I’m out of here!

[ he hops across the street ]

Deer #1: [ calling out ] I don’t think they have to stop!

[ suddenly, a car slams on its brakes and screeches along the road, as it collides with the dear ]

Female Motorist: Oh, honey! Couldn’t you stop?!

Male Motorist: It shot right out in front of me! Come on, let’s go!

[ they slam their doors and pull away, as more traffic passes at a rapid pace ]

[ the two deer continue to watch for an opening, as a fourth deer bounds forward on its two hind legs, looks sadistically at the first two deer, then hops right onto the interstate without looking ]

[ he can be heard getting clipped by a car, and momentarily returns to the other two deer, clutching his side and gasping as he retreats into the woods ]

Deer #2: Do you think maybe we ought to come back later?

Deer #1: [ he observes passing traffic for a moment ] Let’s go find a salt lick on the other side of the road.

[ they turn and walk back into the woods ]

[ fade ]

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Stretch Marks

Patty Caldwell…..Gilda Radner

Announcer: Now, at last, an album for career women in their late30’s – featuring the expressive, the moody, the 38-year-old Patty Caldwell. Finally reaching maturity with her new LP release, Stretch Marks.

Patty Caldwell: [ singing ]
“Stretch Marks. Stretch Marks.
Footprints of time on my skin..“

Announcer: Patty Caldwell reaches back into her own experiences, to bring back to life tunes like “I Used to be Quite Interesting, Really”, “F-U-L-L-F-I-L-L-M-E-N-T”.

Patty Caldwell: [ singing ]
“F-U-L-L-F-I-L-L-M-E-N-T.
That’s what this boy does to me.
F-U-L-L-F-I-L-L-M-E-N-T.That’s what life means to me.“

Announcer: “I Feel Sorry For People in Love”. “My Songs Are My Children”.

Patty Caldwell: [ singing ]
“I’m married to music.
My songs are my children.
I’m married to music.
My songs are my kids.
I’m married to music..“

Announcer: “Bad Child”. “Cats”. “You Call Me Bitch One More Time I’ll Scratch Your Eyes Out”. Patty shares her lonely moments with you, in songs like “You’ll Be Sorry Someday”.

Patty Caldwell: [ singing ]
“You’ll be sorry someday..
when she begins to look like me.
Is that your car..?“

Announcer: “Kids – It’s Academic Now (Too Risky)”. “Me and Me Against the World”. “Yesterday’s Dreams”. “Droopin'”. “Vantage Blues”.

Patty Caldwell: [ singing ]
“Fifty bucks in the ashtray.
I’ve got those vantage blues again..”“

Announcer: “My Niece is Such a Drag”. “Man’s World Without Men”. Patty Caldwell lets it all hang out, with her new Stretch Marks. This album is not available in record stores. Send your check or money order to: Stretch Marks, Grand Central Station, Box 202. Only $8.75 for the record album, or $11.15 for 8-track cassette.

Patty Caldwell: [ singing ]
“Stretch Marks. Stretch Marks.
Footprints of time on my skin..“

Announcer: Hurry. She’s getting older.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 19

79s: Steve Martin / 3-D, Paul & Linda McCartney

Messy Burglars

Husband…..Harry Shearer
Wife…..Laraine Newman
Phil…..Steve Martin
Franklin…..Bill Murray
Sadie…..Jane Curtin
Ruth…..Gilda Radner

[ FADE IN: ]

[ INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT ]

[ A HUSBAND and WIFE are assembling a jigsaw puzzle of Mount Rushmore while seated on a sofa. ]

Wife: Look! I think we’re starting to get Lincoln’s face.

Husband: No, no — that’s not his face…

[ Husband points to another area of the puzzle. ]

Husband: No, no — his face would be over here… that’s a cloud!

[ Wife examines the puzzle’s box. ]

Wife: I don’t see a cloud!

Husband: Look at the cover —

[ Two armed burglars, PHIL and FRANKLIN, burst into the room . ]

Phil: FREEZE!

Franklin: Don’t move or we’ll blow your brains out!!!

[ Wife cowers into her the Husband’s arms. ]

Wife: Honey…

Husband: It’s all right, sweetheart. Let’s just do as they say and I’m sure we’ll get out alive!

Phil: It’s all right, sweetheart. Let’s just, mister! This won’t take very long… Franklin, over there…

[ Franklin jumps over to another area of the living room and starts trashing the area and laughing hysterically. Phil does the same. ]

Wife: Honey, I’m scared! Are they going to do anything to us?

Husband: I don’t think they’re going to do anything to us. Once they get what they’re coming for, I think they’re going to leave.

Phil: Shut up, you two!

[ Franklin presses his pistol on top of the Wife’s head. ]

Franklin: I told you to keep your TRAPS shut!!!

[ Phil and Franklin continue to trash the place and insanely laugh. Phil starts destroying the jigsaw puzzle, much to the disgust of the couple. ]

Phil: You okay, Frankie?

Franklin: Yeah, Phil — I’m all right!

[ Phil and Franklin make their way to front door, open it, and aim their pistols at the couple. ]

Phil: Okay now, don’t get cute and try calling the cops!

[ Franklin grabs the couple’s phone, examines it with Phil, disconnects the cord, and shares an idiotic laugh with Phil. ]

Phil: What a great mess!

Franklin: It was nice to meet you!

[ Both depart. ]

Wife: Oh my God!

Husband: It’s all right, dear — it’s all over. They’re gone.

Wife: I didn’t see them take anything… Did you?

Husband: No! That was the odd thing.

[ Husband gets off the couch and grabs the phone off the floor. ]

Husband: This place sure is a mess!

[ Two armed elderly women, SADIE and RUTH, burst into the room. ]

Sadie: FREEZE!

Ruth: Don’t move or we’ll blow your brains out!!!

Wife: Honey…

[ Sadie presses her pistol against the Wife’s neck. ]

Sadie: Shut up, little lady and no one will get hurt!!!

[ Ruth points her pistol at the Husband. ]

Ruth: You drop that phone and sit down! DROP IT! Now, SIT DOWN!!!

[ Husband drops the phone. ]

Husband: Yes, Ma’am.

[ Ruth joins Sadie. Husband consoles the Wife in his arms. ]

Sadie: Now, did two young men just come in here and do this to your apartment?

Husband: Yes, Ma’am!

Ruth: And did their names happen to be Franklin and Philip?

Wife: Yes, they just left! Who are you?

Ruth: We’re their mothers and we’re here to clean up. [beat] All right, Sadie — you take that side of the room, and I’ll take this side.

[ Wife gets up. ]

Wife: Maybe we can help you with something?

[ Sadie plunks the Wife back on the sofa. ]

Sadie: Not on your life! [beat] You better keep an eye on this one, Ruth…

[ Sadie drags Phil over to Franklin. A pistol is lodged to his side. ]

Sadie: And what about you, Philip?

Phil: I’m sorry, too. We made a mess. We shouldn’t have and it won’t happen again.

Ruth: Okay everybody — thank you very much! We’ll just be on our way, now. Sorry for the trouble.

[Ruth starts browbeating Franklin’s back with her pistol. ]

Ruth: I told you once, Franklin — I’ve told you a thousand times not to do something like this.

Franklin: You don’t have to browbeat me, mother.

[ The mothers and their sons depart. ]

Wife: Now, what?

[ Husband snaps his fingers. ]

Husband: I call the maid! Tell her she doesn’t have to come in tomorrow.

[ Wife nods her head. Both go back to assembling the puzzle. ]

[ Camera PANS OUT to show the Studio 8H audience applauding. ]

[ FADE OUT ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

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