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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 16

79q: Strother Martin / The Specials

Strother Martin’s Monologue

…..Strother Martin

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Strother Martin!

Strother Martin: Thank you, thank you. (bows, waits for applause to die down) You know, I’ve been watching this show for years and I’ve always wondered how they pick the hosts. Well, this week I found out. I was in a restaurant here in New York and I noticed a group of strangers at another table. They seemed kind of rowdy, and they kept staring at me. Well, this happens to me all the time because I’m a character actor. I’m the kind of person you know you’ve seen before but you can’t always remember where. Finally, one of the strangers came over to my table and said that they were all from Saturday Night Live and that he was the producer. And then he told me how much they all admired my work. And then he asked me if I could the show some time, and I said “sure”. And he took my number. Well, I didn’t think much about it until the next morning when I got a call from the producer and he asked me if I could do the show this week! I said, “sure”. And he said, “That’s great, Tennessee”. Tennessee? It was then that I realized that they had mistaken me for the playwright Tennessee Williams. You know, in this business I’ve learned that when opprotunity knocks you grab it by the throat. So all through reherasals I was glad to talk about The Glass Menagerie, Cat On A Hot Tin Roof, wonderful plays, even if I didn’t write them. But, it has been a great week anyway. And as Blanche DuBois said, “I’ve always depended on the kindness of strangers”. We’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 16

79q: Strother Martin / The Specials

Goodnights

…..Strother Martin

[ The Specials are gathering behind Strother Martin at home base. Tom Davis, Alan Zweibel, and Harry Shearer can be seen behind Strother ]

Strother Martin: You’ve been a great audience! I’ve had a great time all week.

[ The band strikes up the closing theme. The camera pulls back to show two of The Specials getting in a mock fight. Laraine Newman and Bill Murray are seen way in the back. Jane Curtin and Gilda Radner talk to Strother, and Garrett Morris gives him a hug. The band are shown as the credits roll. ]

Don Pardo (V/O): We’ll return live three weeks from tonight, Saturday, May 10, when our host will be Bob Newhart. One week from tonight watch a Saturday Night Live encore performance with host Shelly Duvall. Tonight’s food photo essay by Edie Baskin, animation by Mary Laffer. This is Don Pardo. Good night.

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 16

79q: Strother Martin / The Specials

Census Preview

Rosalynn Carter ….. Laraine Newman
Rosa Santangelo ….. Gilda Radner
Secret Service Agents ….. Tom Davis, Mitchell Laurance

[ OPEN on a photograph of the White House ]

Don Pardo (V/O): “Saturday Night Live” will be delayed tonight so that we may bring you the following message from the United States Bureau of the Census. Here from the Lincoln Room of the White House is First Lady Rosalynn Carter.

[ DISSOLVE to Rosalynn Carter sitting at a desk, addressing the camera ]

Rosalynn Carter: Hello, I’m Rosalynn Carter. As you know, our government recently began conducting the 1980 Census. Now, it appears so far that many people have been reluctant to answer the census, particularly those who are unregistered aliens residing in the U.S. Let me assure you, however, that the information you submit on these forms will be kept confidential. That’s the law. If you are an illegal alien living in the U.S. you will be asked a special set of questions on your form. They are as follows.

[ CUT to close-ups of the questions on the census forms as Rosalynn Carter reads them ]

Rosalynn Carter: Question One: If immigration officials raided your home, where would you hide? Question Two: Just out of curiosity, how were you able to enter the country?

[ CUT back to Carter ]

Rosalynn Carter: Let me emphasize that these questions are for statistical purposes only.

[ CUT back to the questions ]

Rosalynn Carter: Question Three: If engaged in household work, do you receive less than minimum wage? If you answered yes, would you be willing to locate in the Washington area? Do you do windows?

[ CUT back to Carter ]

Rosalynn Carter: See, many people don’t realize that I can’t even…

[ She is interrupted by Rosa Santangelo, a maid who runs in and starts yelling at the camera in Spanish. Two Secret Service agents follow and take her away ]

Secret Service Agent: Sorry Mrs. Carter, we were loading a bunch of… (inaudible over the maid’s yelling) …and this one got away.

Rosalynn Carter: (wiping off her face with sleeve) That woman actually spat on me. Well, never mind what she said. She doesn’t work for the government. Finally, Question Five: If the government asked you, would you stop having childeren? Please take the time to answer these questions, and remember that your answers will be kept confidential by law. The Immigration Service could never in a million years gain access to the records of the Census Bureau. How could it? It’s a completely different department and everything. So remember, you owe it to your community. Answer your census. We’re counting on you.

[ Rosa Santangelo rushes in again, covers Carter’s mouth with her hand, and talks to the camera ]

Rosa Santangelo: “Vive de Nuevo York, es Sabado Noche!”

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 16

79q: Strother Martin / The Specials

Camp Beau Soleil

Luke Johnson ….. Bill Murray
Alvin Williams ….. Garrett Morris
Claire ….. Jane Curtin
La Capitan ….. Strother Martin
Mr. Honeycut ….. Brian Doyle-Murray
Campers ….. Gilda Radner, Tom Schiller, Peter Aykroyd, Matt Neuman
Bounty Hunter ….. Tom Davis

[ FADE IN on two campers, Luke Johnson and Alvin Williams, standing alone outside a small cabin. They are wearing tight striped shirts and berets. A woman, Claire, comes out of the cabin in the same outfit ]

Claire: Bonjour, and welcome to Camp Beau Soleil. My name is Claire and I will be your head counselor. I think you’ll find that at Camp Beau Soleil learning French can be fun. It may be a little hard at first, but don’t worry. I’m sure that by the end of this summer, the two of you will be speaking French like natives. Oh, here’s the camp director. We call him Le Capitan. Le Capitan.

[ Le Capitan and his assistant Mr. Honeycut come out of the cabin and stand on the porch. They are dressed like Southern sheriffs, and Mr. Honeycut is carrying a rifle ]

Le Capitan: A couple of new arrivals. Let’s see what we got here … (reads from a clipboard) … Luke Johnson?

Luke Johnson: Yeah, that’s me.

Le Capitan: It says here that you lived in Switzerland for three years. How is it that you don’t speak French already?

Luke Johnson: I have this mental block. I can’t learn languages. I have a note from my doctor.

Mr. Honeycut: When you talk to the captain, you address him as Le Capitan!

Le Capitan: Mental block? Well, this summer you’re going to be totally immersed in the language of French people. You will eat like them, you will sleep like them, and when you leave here you’re gonna talk like them. How about you … (reads from clipboard) … Alvin Williams.

Alvin Williams: (nervously) Hey man, I, I, uh, wasn’t even supposed to be here, man. Uh, I was supposed to go to Music Camp but my parents, they forgot to sign me up in time.

Mr. Honeycut: Hey! Ferme le bouche!

Alvin Williams: Huh?

Le Capitan: Thank you, Mr. Honeycut. Now, while you’re at Camp Beau Soleil you’re going to follow the rules. Rule #1 – All berets must be worn on a slant. If your beret is not on a slant, you spend a night in the box. Rule #2 – No semi-soft cheeses in the bunks. Anyone eating brie or camembert or any of those other semi-soft cheeses spends a night in the box. Rule #3 – Use the formal “vous” when addressing your counselors and staff. Anyone using the familiar “tu” spends a night in the box.

Claire: A night in the box can be very uncomfortable. Listen: Une nuit dans la boîte est très inconfortable.

Le Capitan: If you follow the rules, we’ll get along fine. Now, I can be a nice guy or I can be one real mean son of a bitch.

Claire: Son of a bitch: Fils d’une chienne.

Le Capitan: From here on in you will speak French. Here at Camp Beau Soleil, only I speak English.

Alvin Williams: Hey man, that’s not fair. I ain’t speaking no French, man. I’m here for, you know, the fresh air.

Le Capitan: Mr. Williams, I can see right now that your mind ain’t right, and a man can’t learn a foreign language when his mind ain’t right. Mr. Honeycut, take him to the box.

[ Mr. Honeycut takes Alvin by the arm and leads him off-screen ]

Le Capitan: And you, new meat, I hope you ain’t gonna be any trouble. I’ll see you at the movie tonight. Miss Claire here will lead you to your bunk and show you how to use the bidet.

[ CUT to Mr. Honeycut and Alvin at the box, a small structure that looks like a doghouse with “LE BOX” painted on it. Mr. Honeycut unlocks the door ]

Alvin Williams: Hey, where are you taking me, man?

Mr. Honeycut: You backsassed Le Capitan. You gonna spend a night in the box.

[ Mr. Honeycut hands Alvin a bucket and a tape recorder ]

Mr. Honeycut: Here’s your bucket. Here’s your headset. The dialogue tapes are in there.

[ Alvin climbs into the box and Honeycut locks him in. Inside the box, Alvin is listening to the instructional tapes in horror ]

Voice On Tape: “Hello Jean, how are you?” “Bounjour Jean, comment allez-vous?”

Alvin Williams: Oh no. Oh no!

[ DISSOLVE to several campers sitting in a small room with a projector, watching a movie. They laugh constantly. Luke sits in the back and starts talking to the camper sitting next to him (Gilda Radner) ]

Luke Johnson: They didn’t have to put him in the box his first day.

Camper: Shh! Le film, le film!

Luke Johnson: Aw, forget it. What’s the big deal about Jerry Lewis, huh? I don’t see the point of this.

Camper: Silence! (speaks French, imitates Jerry Lewis)

Luke Johnson: They’re not getting me to speak French. It’s a dying language. I don’t care how good the sauces are, the food stinks! I’m getting out of here. Look at this … (takes out a brouchure) Here’s a camp, Camp Mowaga. Look at the facilities! Canoeing, hiking, horseback riding, all the instructions are in English! That’s where I’m going! I’m running away tonight.

[ Luke takes a huge loaf of French bread and takes a bite. He slowly sneaks out unnotices as the other campers continue to watch the Jerry Lewis film ]

[ DISSOLVE to the next day, outside the small cabin. Claire comes out ringing a bell ]

Claire: Bounjour campers! Le Capitan wishes to speak with you all.

[ All of the campers, except for Alvin and Luke, are gathered together as Le Capitan comes out of the cabin ]

Le Capitan: Bounjour, campers.

Campers: Bounjour, le capitan!

Le Capitan: Well, it seems that last night one of you got a little rabbit in their blood and decided to take off. Don’t worry, he won’t get far. No one has ever gotten out of here without a thorough knowledge of conversational French. Ain’t that right, Mr. Williams?

[ Alvin Williams walks out the cabin like a robot and drones couple of French phrases before joining the other campers ]

[ Two Southern-accented bounty hunters enter with poodles instead of bloodhounds ]

Bounty Hunter: They got him, captain! They’re bringing him in now.

[ Mr. Honeycut drags Luke back to the camp, his clothes torn and dirty, his wrists in handcuffs ]

Mr. Honeycut: We caught him about five miles down the road, headed for Camp Mowaga.

Le Capitan: Camp Mowaga. What in the hell did you think you’d do there, boy? Make a few lanyards? Get a junior life saving badge? That’s not much to show for your whole summer, is it?

Luke Johnson: Maybe not. But at least you don’t have to wear those European swim trunks that are cut so that they don’t leave anything to the imagination.

[ Mr. Honeycut pokes Luke in the stomach with the butt of his rifle ]

Le Capitan: Luke …(holds up a picture of a cartoon cat)… how big is the cat?

Luke Johnson: (long pause) It’s a little cat.

[ Honeycut hits Luke in the head with a piece of wood ]

Le Capitan: Luke, how big is the cat?

Luke Johnson: It’s a little, bitty cat.

[ Honeycut hits Luke even harder, making him fall to his knees ]

Le Capitan: What we got here is a failure to communicate bi-lingually! Le chat es petite! HOW BIG IS THE CAT?

Luke Johnson: Le chat es petite.

Le Capitan: AGAIN!

[ Honeycut hits Luke again ]

Luke Johnson: Le chat es petite.

Le Capitan: There now. That wasn’t so bad, was it? You see, everybody? What we had here was a boy whose mind wasn’t right. It may take a while, but we will get his mind right. First he’ll master the grammar, then he’ll get the vocabulary, and he’ll come along good. And before you know it, he’ll be more French than the French. Miss Claire, why don’t you lead all of the campers in a little song?

Mr. Honeycut: Oh, “Frere Jacques” mon favorite.

[ Claire blows a note from a harmonica and leads the campers in a rendition of “Frere Jacques”. Text appears on-screen, read by Don Pardo ]

Don Pardo (V/O): Recent Congressional Sub-Committee hearings have led to an investigation into the dangers of teaching foreign languages in a camping environment. Camp Beau Soleil has since been converted to a camp for chubby children. Interested parents may call toll free 555-3872.

[ APPLAUSE ]

[ FADE ]

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 17


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


April 19th, 1980

Strother Martin

The Specials

None

None

Tom Gammill

Sarah Paley

Anne Beats

Matt Neuman

Andy Murphy

Max Pross


Census PreviewSummary: First-Lady Rosalynn Carter (Laraine Newman) outlines random 1980 Census questions aimed at illegal immigrants like Rosa Santangelo (Gilda Radner).

Recurring Characters: Rosalynn Carter, Rosa Santangelo.

Transcript

Montage

Strother Martin’s MonologueSummary: Strother Martin announces that he was asked to host tonight’s show because a producer mistook him for Tennessee Williams.

Transcript

Camp Beau SoleilSummary: “Cool Hand” Luke (Bill Murray) tries to reform against the curriculum provided by La Capitan (Strother Martin) at a French language camp.

Transcript

The Specials perform “Gangsters”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary:

Recurring Characters: G. Gordon Liddy, Chico Escuela.

Video WillSummary:

Conductor’s ClubSummary:

Invasion of the Brain SnatchersSummary:

The Specials perform “Too Much, Too Young”

Any TownSummary:

FoodSummary: A film by Edie Baskin, with hand-colored stills by Mary Laffer, observes diners enjoying food at various New York eateries.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 16

79p: Burt Reynolds / Anne Murray

Burt Reynolds’ Monologue

…..Burt Reynolds

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Burt Reynolds!

[ Cheers and applause from audience. ]

Burt Reynolds: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you! I know! I have to live with it every day. I like this week. I, uh, had a great time working with these people. The cast, the crew… As I was hanging out backstage, there’s no temperament, no hostility, no open nasal passages…

[ Big laughter from audience. ]

Burt Reynolds: Uh, no open nasal passages. I know sometimes when you see a movie star, you know, up close, it’s a little shattering. Because they’re bigger than life, and you see them on screen — it’s all big. Their head’s big, shoulders big, it’s all big, you know? And here? I’m a small person, see? So, maybe, I figured I just come down here and talk to some of you all. You know what I mean?

[ Burt steps on the home base platform and takes a seat on it. He points his finger to the front audience. ]

Burt Reynolds: Come here. Yeah, come here…

Henry (V/O): Hi.

Burt Reynolds: Hi. Sit down.

[HENRY, a young male audience member, takes a seat next to Burt. ]

Burt Reynolds: What’s your name?

Henry: Henry.

Burt Reynolds: Henry?

[ Burt rolls up his sleeves. ]

Henry: Go Gators.

Burt Reynolds: Go Gators?

Henry: Go Gators!

Burt Reynolds: Henry, I didn’t bring you up here to do any of that kind of crap.

[ Burt places his hand on Henry’s shoulder. ]

Burt Reynolds: We’re just going to do a little bit, okay? Who’s, uh, who’s your favorite movie star?

[ Henry takes a moment. ]

Henry: Uh… Burt Reynolds.

[ Burt stares at Henry for a moment then kisses him on the cheek. ]

Burt Reynolds: You know it’s funny? When I was looking over there at you Henry, you know, you didn’t have a real intelligent look about you. You now got brains coming out at you. You know what I mean?

[ Henry nods and grins. ]

Burt Reynolds: You know, let’s stop talking about me and talk about my movies. Okay? Which one you like the best?

Henry: Um… I didn’t see too many of them. Uh…

Burt Reynolds: Let me see if I can help you out. Cars? Cars jumping over…

Henry: Fences?

Burt Reynolds: Fences! And over bridges…

Henry: “They Turn Styles”?

Burt Reynolds: Henry, you’re sick! I’ll give you the first part of the picture — “Smokey and the…”

Henry: Cowboy?

Burt Reynolds: Smokey means something else to you, doesn’t it, Henry?

[ Henry nods and grins. ]

Burt Reynolds: “Deliverance”. Did you see “Deliverance”?

Henry: The dueling banjos? Yeah! That scene was great. It was good.

Burt Reynolds: The banjos? You know, I was in the picture? I was in there with the dueling banjos. Are you married, Henry?

Henry: No.

Burt Reynolds: Fool around?

Henry: I can’t say that on TV.

Burt Reynolds: You can. You can say it. Say “fooling around” on television.

Henry: Fooling around — yes!

Burt Reynolds: You fool around? A lot?

Henry: No, I can’t really do it that much.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah? That’s why your face is so clean.

[ Burt strokes Henry’s left cheek. ]

Burt Reynolds: We’re going, uh, go on now — do the rest of the show — but I’m going keep talking to you because I like you. I got into show business when I first saw Elizabeth Taylor…

[ The camera zooms out as the audience applauds. Burt chats with Henry for a few moments; they shake hands, hug, and Henry returns to his seat. ]

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 16

79p: Burt Reynolds / Anne Murray

Goodnights

…..Burt Reynolds

Burt Reynolds: Thanks a lot, it was a great evening. And, uh — I had a great time! Appreciate it! [ he pats his padded Marlon Brando robe ] God bless!

Announcer: Next Saturday night, our host will be Strother Martin, with musical guest The Specials. This is Don Pardo — well… who else would it be? Good night…

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 16


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


April 12th, 1980

Burt Reynolds

Anne Murray

None

None

Max Pross

Rosie Shuster


BackstageSummary:

Montage

Burt Reynold’s MonologueSummary: Burt Reynolds tries to prove that fame hasn;t gone to his head by interacting one-on-one with a young gentleman in the audience.

Transcript

FanSummary: Parents are eager to let their daughters to sleep with Burt Reynolds.

Roman VomitoriumSummary: A suave Roman (Burt Reynolds) picks up women at the local vomitorium.

Anne Murray performs “Lucky Me”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) comments on the plight of the panda.

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

Deliverance IISummary:

Recurring Characters: Anita Bryant.

The Burt BookSummary:

Street SceneSummary:

PeppersSummary:

ArgumentSummary:

Anne Murray performs “Why Don’t You Stick Around”

Baba Wawa At LargeSummary: Marlon Brando (Burt Reynolds) pigs out during an interview with Barbara Walters (Gilda Radner).

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Marlon Brando.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

…..Jane Curtin
…..Bill Murray
…..Al Franken

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.

Our top story tonight: Rumbling but strong earthquakes sends spewing tons of steam, mud and volcanic grit. Washington State’s 9,677-foot volcano, Mount St. Helens, is about ready to blow. Geologists agree that a major eruption is imminent, and could cause widespread disaster in the Pacific northwest. so, while there’s still time, we’d like to say goodbye to our NBC affiliate stations KHQ-TV in Spokane, and PING-TV in Seattle. We’ll miss you guys!

Republican presidential candidate hopeful John Anderson is taking some time off to consider running as a third-party candidate in November. Anderson was caught here in a rare moment of relaxation, sniffing a Coke at New York’s Studio 54.

Well, the early returns for the 1980 Census are coming in, and it appears that the results are very predictable. As projected, the population will exceed 250,000,000 people. The average family size has decreased from 4.5 to 3.1, and 60% more wives have joined the workforce. Thus far, the only surprise seems to be that 99 out of 100 Americans have a toilet in their kitchen.

Jane Curtin: Do you have a toilet in your kitchen, Bill?

Bill Murray: No. I use the Cuisanart.

Campaigning yesterday in Louisiana, former CIA Director George Bush finally reverted to his espionage training, when, after delivering a speech, he proceeded to memorize and eat it. Bush responded later, “It was just a reflex, and, besides, if the voters could swallow my speeches, why can’t I?”

Dan Rather was on special assignment this week in Afghanistan, disguising himself as an Afghani rebel in order to obtain material for a report airing on “60 Minutes” tomorrow night. Weekend Update has learned that the Rather report is an explosive one, dealing with numerous cases of overcharging by Afghani cabdrivers.

And Michu, the lovable circus midget, was executed by a firing sqaud this week. No explanation was given.

Jane Curtin: This just in: Medical experts say the Shah’s cancer has spread to Libya. more on this story as it develops.

And now, to talk about income taxes, is Weekend Update Social Sciences Editor, Al Franken. Al?

Al FRanken: Why, thanks, Jane! Well, now that it’s tax time, I know a lot of you are thinking, what can you do to help me, Al Franken, do my taxes. Well, first, let me say that 1979 was a pretty good year for me, even though it wasn’t part of the Al Franken Decade. As a major writer/personality for a major TV show, I did.. pretty well. I’m not gonna tell you exactly what I made, because it might make a few of you a little less likely to be concerned about me, Al Franken. But let’s just say that.. you’d be pretty impressed.

Now, one nice thing I learned about making a lot of money, is that on the percentage basis, the more money you make, the less taxes you really end up paying. For example, last year, George Bush paid $3,000 in taxes on almost $100,000 income. Not bad, George! You see, the tax codes are written by guys who have a lot of money – just like me, Al Franken.

Okay, now I’m gonna tell you three of the ways that I legally avoid paying my fair share of taxes. I’m not going to tell you everything – after all, this is something I pay my big-time accountant for, whose services are, by the way, tax-deductible.

Now, first – the Al Franken Corporation. You see, I make only $300 a week, paid to me by Al Franken the Corporation. Now, the rest of the money taken in by the Al Franken Corporation goes to paying many of the expenses of its employee – me, Al Franken. Now, of course, the more business expenses that Al Franken, me and Al Franken, the corporation can document, the less taxes I have to pay.

Which brings me to how you can help me, Al Franken with my taxes. I would like each and every one of you to send me your spare receipts. I mean, any receipts. you see, since I’m a comedian, almost anything I spend can be justified as a business expense. For example, this sports jacket. [ holds out sleeve ] See, I’m wearing it on TV, so it’s a business expense. [ pulls leg over desk ] You see.. these pants here. Now deductible, because they’re on TV. [ extends wrist ] Okay, this watch. It’s an expensive watch, it’s now deductible. Okay.. [ picks up tape deck and puts in on desk ] This portable tape deck. It’s got everything.. now deductible. Now, this Christmas, I went to Hawaii.. [ holds up picture ] ..and here’s a picture of me in Hawaii, taken by some friends I met there. And, I don’t know if you can see this – can we pull in a little closer there? [ camera zooms in on picture ] Now, obviously, I couldn’t have taken this picture unless I’d actually gone to Hawaii, and stayed in a hotel there. And I think that you, the audience, you like this picture, am I right? [ audence applauds wildly ] Okay, now the Hawaii trip is deductible.

Send me any receipt you can’t use! Books! Stationary! Medicine! My accountant can something with it, believe me! I’d like to talk especially to you poor people, who were unemployed in 1979, and went below the poverty level in ghettos of America. Now, you don’t pay taxes, you don’t need your receipts, so send them to me, please, everybody! Send in your receipts to me, Al Franken, New York, New York. I’d appreciate it. Thank you.

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Al, I hope everything works out.

The Television Advertising Bureau has revealed that sponsors last year soent $4.7 billion on TV advertising, and that rates have risen 75% in five years. For example, since this show has been on, a minute on “Weekend Update” has gone from $40,000 to $75,000 a minute.

Bill Murray: You mean, if I were a sponsor, I would have to pay $75,000 a minute for you? Don’t you think that sort of makes you feel like a prostitute?

Jane Curtin: I think I’m worth $75,000 a minute.

Bill Murray: I think I could get Jane Pauly for half of that.

Jane Curtin: If you like it in the morning.

Bill Murray: Maybe.. maybe they can throw in Pink Lady.

Individually-wrapped slices of American cheese, traveling at the speed of sound, caused sonic booms all along the easten seaboard this evening. The governor of North Carolina issued a statement asking coastal residents to pray long and hard throughout the night.

Bill Murray: One year ago this week, the nation’s worst nuclear accident took place in Pennsylvania’s Three Mile Island. Despite conflicting reports, Pennsylvania health authorities say there is no connection between the radiation leakage and soaring infant mortality rates. However, the accident is now one-year old, and thirty-one infants are not.

[ pulls out a cake with a huge nuclear reactor-shaped candle on top ]

Jan and Joe Roman of Wilskbury sent us this nuclear meltdown birthday candle to mark the occasion.

[ singing ]
“Happy Birthday to you
Happiest of birthdays to you-ou!
Happy Birthday, you old nuclehead
Happy Birthday to-oo you-ouou!”

Jane?

Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night – feel better, Larry – and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 15

79o: Richard Benjamin & Paula Prentiss / The Grateful Dead

Mr. Bill Strikes Back

Announcer: The story you’re about to see is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

(The title “Mr. Bill Strikes Back” makes a dramatic appearance.)

(Scene opens on a sidewalk with Mr. Bill and Spot.)

Mr. Bill: Oh, uh hey kids, it’s me Mr. Bill. Gee, you know, I’ve been having a lot of problems lately and well I’ve decided that it’s the people I’ve been hanging around with.

(Spot barks)

Mr. Bill: Oh, not you Spot. I’m talking about Mr. Hands and that mean ol’ Mr. Sluggo. You know, I think they’re out to get me. And, well I’m not going to take it anymore and I’m going to do something about it. So kids, I hope you’re ready to have fun today because we’re all going to the police. Yaaay!

(Cut to a police station. Inside, Mr. Bill and Spot are sitting on a chair.)

Mr. Bill: Oh boy, that Sluggo and Mr. Hands are really in trouble this time.

(A police officer (A pair of hands) appears)

Sgt. O’ Hanahan: Well, hello lad. I’m Sgt. O’ Hanahan. May I be of some assistance to you?

Mr. Bill: Oh yeah, I would like to report a threat on my life.

Sgt. O’ Hanahan: Well, who would want to harm a friendly little fellow like yourself?

Mr. Bill: Well, they used to be my friends, but lately they’ve been just mean to me.

(Spot barks)

Mr. Bill: Yeah, and their names are Sluggo and Mr. Hands and I’d like them locked up okay?

Sgt. O’ Hanahan: Well, maybe you can describe them for our artists so that we can see what the virants look like.

Mr. Bill: (As the artist draws a picture) Okay, gee Mr. Hands is really short and he has ten fingers and Sluggo looks really mean.

Sgt. O’ Hanahan: (As the artist shows his drawing of Mr. Bill and Spot) Tell me, does this look anything like the two of them?

Mr. Bill: Oh no! That’s not them!

Sgt. O’ Hanahan: (Pulls out a pile of wanted posters from his desk drawer) Okay, let’s see if you think you can identify them with their photographs.

Mr. Bill: Oh, I’ll try.

Sgt. O’ Hanahan: Now tell me if you spot them. (Starts showing Mr. Bill the posters of criminals)

Mr. Bill: Oh, that’s not them. No, no, (Sees a wanted poster of himself!) Oh wait! Wait! That’s me!

Sgt. O’ Hanahan: Oh it says here that you are being wanted for armed robbery of the First Sluggo Savings and Loan.

Mr. Bill: No, but I didn’t do anything!

Sgt. O’ Hanahan: (Shows a wanted poster of Spot) And here’s your accomplice.

Mr. Bill: (Spot barks) No wait. We didn’t do anything!

Sgt. O’ Hanahan: I’m afraid I have to take your fingerprints. (places Mr. Bill’s hand on the fingerprint pad)

Mr. Bill: No but I don’t have any fingerprints! No wait! Ohhhhhhhhhh!

Sgt. O’ Hanahan: (looking at the flattened hands of Mr. Bill on the pad and on his file) Hmm, they’re a perfect match.

Mr. Bill: Oh no, but I swear I didn’t do anything!

Sgt. O’ Hanahan: I’ll have to have the handcuff the two of you. (Squeezes the handcuff around Mr. Bill’s chest.)

Mr. Bill: No wait, that’s too tight! No wait! Ohhhhhhhhhh!

Sgt. O’ Hanahan: And off we go to the lineup.

(Cut to the lineup where Mr. Bill is joined by familiar faces.)

Mr. Bill: Oh no! Oh wait, Mom? Miss Sally? Mr. Hands?

Sgt. O’ Hanahan: Oh no. The bank teller (Sluggo) says that it was you Mr. Bill that robbed his bank. (places Mr. Bill at the cell door.)

Mr. Bill: No wait, I’ve been framed!

Sgt. O’ Hanahan: That’s what they all say. The sentence for armed robbery is twenty years in the slammer. (closes the cell door on Mr. Bill)

Mr. Bill: No wait stop! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!

Sgt. O’ Hanahan: Bye bye!

Submitted by: Nick Johnson

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