Category:

The Minstrels of Newcastle

Flutist…..Paul Shaffer
Schwanken…..Bill Murray
Jangler…..Michael Palin
Lutist…..Peter Aykroyd
Second Flutist…..James Taylor
Servant Girl…..Laraine Newman
Elenour of Gaunt…..John Belushi

[ open on exterior, Gaunt Manor ]

[ SUPER: “Gaunt Manor, Middlesex, England 1267” ]

[ dissolve to interior, The Minstrels of Newcastle practicing their performance for Elenour of Gaunt ]

[ Schwanken’s drumbeat is coniderably off ]

Flutist: Noooo, no, no! You’re doing it all wrong! It’s just four beats! One.. two.. three.. four! It’s simple!

Schwanken: But I did that! One.. two.. [ pauses ] ..three.. four.

Flutist: No! One.. two.. three.. four! You don’t stop in the middle – you go charging right through with it!

[ Schwanken pounds the drum ]

Jangler: Look, you were playing it before, weren’t you? You’ve done it! You had it at the beginning. You started our right, then you lost it!

Flutist: Go again, then. One.. two.. three.. four..

[ the Minstrels begin again, but Schwanken is still off on his drumbeats ]

Flutist: No, no! Where’s the fourth beat?! It’s so floggin’ simple! Look! We’re in the floggin’ Gaunt Manor, floggin’ Elenour of Gaunt is gonna come through that floggin’ door any minute, listen to us play this floggin’ song, and she’s gonna decide if she’s gonna be our floggin’ patron! And you can’t play four floggin’ beats of music on the drum like you did before!

Schwanken: I can’t hear it.

Flutist: Look – [ demonstrates ] One.. two.. three.. four.

Jangler: No, no, no, no – it’s only gonna confuse him. [ to Schwanken ] Look.. don’t think about it – just play it! You had it before!

Schwanken: How would you like to come over here, sit down at this drum, and watch you guys playin’ away, without the slightest hope of knowin’ what you’re doin’?!

Flutist: You don’t have to know what we’re doing. All you have to do is play four floggin’ beats on the drum! Look! [ demonstrates ] One.. two.. three.. four!

Schwanken: That’s what I was doing before..

Flutist: But you were stopping! You weren’t charging through! Now, let’s try it – one.. two.. three.. four!

[ the Minstrels begin again, but Schwanken errs his drumbeats once more ]

Jangler: Yeah!

Flutist: Noooooo!

[ Schwanken keeps beating ]

Jangler: You had it before!

Schwanken: You’ve been sayin’ that all floggin’ day! But it’s not gonna change anything! I can’t play it!

Flutist: Just floggin’ listen for a floggin’ minute!

Schwanken: Hold it, that’s it! You’ll have to get yourself another floggin’ drummer, huh! Who needs this?! I can always go back to being a tinker’s apprenctice!

Jangler: Listen.. Schwanken.. Scwanken! You’ve been with us from the beginning, haven’t you? you’re the sex symbol of the group, right? Alright. We wouldn’t be the Minstrels of Newcastle and Berlin without floggin’ Schwanken the drummer!

Lutist: That’s right. You’re great, Schwanken, you’re great. If it weren’t for you, that crowd at the festival in Charles would never have remembered us. It was the drummin’ that did it, and it was your drummin’.

Second Flutist: That’s right!

Flutist: Yeah..

Schwanken: Well.. I was inspired.. you know. We were all drinkin’ mead, you know, and uh.. it’s just happened, you know? Not like this floggin’ strugglin’!

Flutist: But you can’t floggin’ play on floggin’ mead all the time!

Schwanken: Well, I play better when I play on floggin’ mead all the time!

Flutist: You just think you play better, but you don’t play better! It throws the whole fuckin’ timing off! [ looks away, embarrassed at his flub ]

Schwanken: Well, fly on your floggin’ timing! You’re not the greatest piper in the world, either! [ waves his drumsticks menacingly ]

Flutist: Don’t you floggin’ point that insipid drumstick at me, you loutish wastral!

Schwanken: You call me a loutish wastral, huh! Well, you’ll think twice before you do that again! [ grabs Flutist in a headlock ]

Jangler: Hey, Schwanken – [ moves Schwanken’s arm to beat drumstick on Flutist’s head ] One.. two.. three.. four.

Schwanken: Is that right?

Flutist: ..it’s the right beat.. yeah. Alright. Let’s try it again. One.. two.. three.. four.

[ the Minstrels try it again, Schwanken still screwing up the timing of his drumbeats ]

[ Servant Girl enters ]

Servant Girl: Announcing the wife of Sir Roger Widefries, Duke of Gaunt, presently in holy combat with the heathen of hordes of Turkey and Asia – her Ladyship – Elenour of Gaunt!

[ Elenour of Gaunt enters ]

Elenour of Gaunt: [ cooing ] Minstrels of Newcastle and Berlin, my neice, Gertrude of Gaunt, soon to be wed to Richard Monhornsteen, my old husband, was quite taken with your performance at the feast of Charles.

Flutist: Thank you, Your Ladyship. May I introduce an original composition, written especially for this occasion, by, yours truly, Hotiscrayn the Minstrel, appropriately entitled “Winter Solstice Martet to Her Ladyship O’Neil”. [ to Minstrels ] One.. two.. three.. four.

[ the Minstrels begin their performance for Elenour, but Schwanken botches his drumbeats once more ]

Elenour of Gaunt: Stoooooooopp! Stoooooooopp! It’s floggin’ four beats! Don’t you understand?! Get up, get up, get up!

Schwanken: [ stands ] Yes, Your Ladyship.

Elenour of Gaunt: I’ll show you! I shall be a drummer!

Flutist: One.. two.. three.. four.

[ the Minstrels begin anew, with Elenour demonstrating the correct way to do the four beats ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 14


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:





Special Guests:

Cameos:













Bit Players:


March 15th, 1980

None

James Taylor

Paul Simon

David Sanborn

None

Michael O’Donaghue

John Belushi

Sen. Daniel P. Moynihan

Carrie Fisher

Ralph Nader

Michael Palin

Lorne Michaels

Yvonne Hudson

Matt Neuman

Sarah Paley

Alan Zweibel

Andy Murphy
SeanceSummary: The spirits of Michael O’Donoghue and John Belushi are summoned during a psychic seance in honor of SNL’s 100th episode.

Transcript

Montage

Bill Murray’s New York SongSummary: Bill Murray sings of the greatness of living in New York City.

Horizon System 12Summary: The world’s biggest television system still retains its tiny viewing screen.

Transcript

The Biggest LeprechaunSummary: Sean the Leprechaun (Peter Aykroyd) is easily captured due to his large size.

Transcript

The NerdsSummary: Todd’s (Bill Murray) quest to become Student Body president may be ruined by a smear campaign, when his opponent (Harry Shearer) brings up a past mooning infraction.

Recurring Characters: Lisa Loopner, Todd DiLaMuca.

Transcript

James Taylor & Paul Simon perform “Cathy’s Clown”, “Sunny Skies”, “Take Me to the Mardi Gras”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Ralph Nader. Roseanne Roseannadanna (Gilda Radner).

Recurring Characters: Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Transcript

The Minstrels of NewcastleSummary: Schanken the Minstrel (Bill Murray) irks his fellow musicians when he can’t master four drum beats in time to perform for the Queen (John Belushi).

Transcript

Talk Or DieSummary: Dirk Savage (Michael Palin) struggles to interview his guests while enduring a multitude of death threats during the show.

Transcript

New York State WinesSummary: Sen. Daniel P. Moynihan promotes New York State Wines, even though the taste isn’t favored by Honker (Bill Murray) and a pair of discriminating bums (Garrett Morris, Peter Aykroyd).

Recurring Characters: Honker.

David Sanborn performs “Anything You Want”

The David Susskind ShowSummary: David Susskind (Bill Murray) interviews ordinary people who have undergone extreme plastic surgery measures in order to look like their favorite celebrities.

Recurring Characters: David Susskind.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 13

79m: Rodney Dangerfield / The J. Geils Band

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

…..Jane Curtin
…..Bill Murray
…..Tony Dow
…..Jerry Mathers
Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.

Our top story tonight: In the wake of a controversy over our UN boat on the West Bank, an embarrassed President Carter tried to placate the Jewish community today. Carter issued still another apology, and announced that the will allow the building of Israeli settlements on the White House lawn.

Interviewed in Paris, former President Richard Nixon commented on Secretary of State Cyrus Vance’s taking responsibility for the UN fiasco. He said, “If I had made Henry Kissinger do that, he would have resigned.” Reached for reaction, Kissinger reportedly answered, “President Nixon tried to make me do something like that once, and guess who resigned?”

Bill?

Bill Murray: CBS News revealed this week that the White House tried to stop “60 Minutes” from airing last week’s segment on Iran and the abuses by Savak and the Shah. According to “60 Minutes”, the White House also tried to stop a feature by Andy Rooney about how you can never get the little tab that you push in on laundry detergent boxes to come back up and plug up the hole so the detergent spills out, and how he thinks the detergent companies do that on purpose to make you buy more detergent. CBS agreed to delay the Rooney piece until after the hostages are released.

Mohammed Ali, last night, won the Heavyweight title for an unprecedented fourth tie. He achieved this by swallowing his opponent, WBC champ John Tate. Ali said he will now rest up and build up an appetite for Larry Holmes in September.

Jane?

Jane Curtin: The Federal Food & Drug Administration announced this week that saccharine and artificial sweeteners are acceptable for human consumption. However, as a result of the tests done by that organization, many American cities have begun to use saccharine as rat poison. Experts agree that a good case of bladder cancer is about the only thing that can bring some of those big ones down.

Former President Gerald R. Ford, fielding expectations that he may make another run at the White House, said yesterday that the very first thing he would do as president is pardon Richard Nixon once again. Ford said, “I think people would accept it more this time around. Help me up, would you, please? Where am I? Ouch!”

Yugloslav President Tito has now been on his deathbed for 66 days, and his condition is reported as stable. Tito still has a long way to go to beat the deathbed record of 45 1/2 months set in the 70’s by Generalisimo Francisco Franco.. but he’s off to a good start.

Bill Murray: Hey, you trivia nuts, remember these two guys?

Jane Curtin: No..

Bill Murray: Never mind.

Jane Curtin: While “Get Well” cards would be in poor taste, you might send him a simple “Beat Franco” card. The address is Death Bed, State Hospital, Belgrade, Yugoslavia. Bill!

Bill Murray: [ starting over ] Hey, you trivia nuts! Remember these two guys? We grew up with them. You want a hint? They’re June and Ward’s kids.. Lumpy Rutherford’s neighbor.. Eddie Haskill and Larry Mandellos’s best friends..? Now you know? Sure you do! They’re Wally and Beaver Cleaver.. which brings us to tonight’s Celebrity Corner. A rarity. It took a little doing.. but here they, all grown up, from their dressing room at the Westchester County Dinner Theater where they’re appearing at. Let’s meet Tony Dow and Jerry Mathers – nice to have you here, guys!

Jerry Mathers: Hi, Bill!

Tony Dow: Hey, Bill!

Bill Murray: Now, hey, Beav.. now, we all heard that you got killed in Vietnam. Is that true?

Jerry Mathers: Well, I…

Tony Dow: Hey, you little squirt! What’dja go and tell everybody that for?

Jerry Mathers: Aw, gee, Tony! It was on account of the show was off the air, and I figured that nobody knew who we were or cared about us.. and I thought maybe I’d just get us some attention!

Tony Dow: Wow-w-w.. when Dad hears about this, he’s gonna go ape! I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t.. slug ya’, or something.

Bill Murray: Well, Jerry.. what you’ve done is a real serious thing, and I think you should apologize.

Jerry Mathers: Gee, Bill! Do I really have to do that? If I apologize in front of everybody, I’ll look like a creep!

Tony Dow: Yeah, Bill, don’t make Jerry apologize! I mean, I know he’s a squirt, but he.. still doesn’t want to look like a little goof!

Bill Murray: Well, young man.. maybe next time, you’ll think about what you’re doing, and the consequences that follow.

Jerry Mathers: Hey, Bill, I was thinking. When you were a kid.. did you get, well.. in trouble, and mess things up, and stuff?

Bill Murray: Well, Jerry, I guess all of us, at one time or another, or.. messed up. But, the important thing is that we learn from our mistakes.

Tony Dow: Hey, you’re, uh.. you’re not gonna make him go up to his room, are ya’? I mean, uh.. he won’t go around spreading rumors again. Honest!

Bill Murray: Well, we’ll discuss this when you get home. I’ll speak to you later.

Jerry Mathers: Thanks, Bill!

Bill Murray: Alright, break a leg. Very nice to have them.. on Celebrity Corner, huh, Jane?

Jane Curtin: Bill.. you don’t think you were too hard on the boys, do you?

Bill Murray: No, Jane, I.. the boys have got to learn something, and I-I don’t think we’ll ever hear that rumor about Beaver getting killed in Vietnam again, either, huh!

[ Bill shuffles his papers, not looking at the camera – it’s still his turn to do the next joke ]

Jane Curtin: Bill?

Bill Murray: Yeah! [ laughing ] Alright!

Ian Smith offered to serve this week in the cabinet of Robert Mugabe, newly-elected Prime Minister of Rhodesia. Mugabe, a black Marxist, is anxious to calm Rhodesia’s African-White minority, reportedly has asked former Prime Minister Smith to serve as a lawn jockey in front of Mugabe’s home.

Jane?

Jane Curtin: Combined highway and transportation agencies reported this week that in 1979 traffic deaths exceeded 50,000 for the second year in a row. This grimming figure is offset, however, by data showing that 30,000 people were born in traffic, and 20,000 were conceived in automobiles stalled in traffic during the same period.

New York City police arrested a man this week for impersonating the late Ed Sullivan. It was the first arrest of an Ed Sullivan impersonator in over three years.

Jane Curtin: The U.S. Immigration Service has estimated that close to one million Mexicans illegally enter the U.S. each year. Here with the latest developments on that story, is Father Guido Sarducci. Father?

Father Guido Sarducci: Thank you, Jane. Tonight, I have a really hot scoop for you. It’s true that almost one million Mexicans enter the United States illegally every year. But not all of them run across the border through the bushes. I found out that in Tijuana, Mexico, they’re giving what they call nationality-change operations. You can change from-a any nationality to another one, and rich Mexicans, they’re going down there and they’re getting changed to Japanese. It cost $5,000, and for $5,000 they get the surgery, clothes, camera, everything! And then, what do they do? They put them out on-a tourist buses, and then-a they just drive-a across the border, and they just think they=a just Japanese tourists going down to Tijuana for-a the day. But I understand that American Customs officials, theyre-a getting wise to it, and what they started doing now is, to the Japanese tourists, they always give a Rice Test at the border. And-a what they do is they bring-a out the rice and give-a them chopsticks, and if they don’t know how to properly eat with-a chopsticks, that mwans they’re probably Mexicans AND they make-a them go back. And I understand any Japanese person, south of-a Disneyland, is suspect of being a Mexican, so it’s a really tough time there for them.

We’re very, very fortunate tonight to the first Italian who had a sex — I mean, sex — I keep-a saying a sex change, that’s past — this is the first Italian who had his nationality-change operation. His-a name is-a Marcello Paterna. And he had it changed from Italian to Japanese. He doesn’t-a speak-a DEnglish, unfortunately, so I’m-a gonna have to-a translate for you. And the first one I’m gonna ask him is: Why did he have this operation? What’s the story behind it?

[ Sarducci repeats the question to Marcello in Italian, then translates ]

He said ever since he was a little kid, he always-a liked-a Japanese things.

[ Marcello answers more in Italian ]

He said every day, he used to-a ask his mother to make-a him some rice.

[ Marcello answers more in Italian ]

— and fish.

[ Marcello answers more in Italian ]

He said all-a Italians like-a fish, but, again, he liked it RAW!

[ Marcello answers more in Italian ]

He said he always-a felt that he was-a Japanese, but that he-a was-a TRAPPED in an Italian body. And now, I’m-a gonna ask him IF the operation was painful.

[ Sarducci repeats the question to Marcello in Italian, then translates ]

No. He says it wasn’t very painful.

[ Marcello answers more in Italian ]

But now-a, he says, his face, it feels like-a real tight.

[ Marcello answers more in Italian ]

Uh, he says that the worst-a part was that he had to wait a long-a time to get the operation, and this annoyd him.

[ Marcello answers more in Italian ]

He says he had to wait-a long-a time, because there was a lot of-a Greek people in front of him. They was-a all getting changed to be Arabs, Well, now I only have one more question for him, and that question is: How did they change-a his complexion?

[ Sarducci repeats the question to Marcello in Italian, then translates ]

Ah! He says they ddin’t do anything to his skin, but-a when he was-a in-a Mexico, he got a liver — what do you call it? Hepatitis — and-a what it is, is-a jaundice. Well, gracias, Marcello. I don’t think I’m gonna shake hands with him. And, once more, it’s been-a wodnerful. Arriverderci, America!

Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night, Walter, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

Dr. Shockley’s House of Sperm

Husband…..Paul Shaffer
Wife…..Gilda Radner
Clerk…..Bill Murray
…..Rodney Dangerfield
Nurse…..Laraine Newman
Black Male Customer…..Garrett Morris
Black Female Customer…..Yvonne Hudson
Nazi…..Tom Davis
Man…..Brian Doyle-Murray
Rodney’s Wife…..Jane Curtin

[ open on couple entering sperm bank ]

Husband: I’m telling you – this is a waste of time and money. I am not sterile! You’re barren!

Wife: Now, don’t be defensive, honey. I mean, Dr. Rayburn did report that you had a zero sperm count.

Husband: I don’t understand.. how can it be zero?

Wife: God, I hate to go shopping with you!

[ phone rings; Clerk answers ]

Clerk: Dr. Shockley’s House of Sperm. No, we’re open 24 hours. Just bring in an a recent IQ test, or an SAT test.. something like that. Well, thnak you. Bye bye. [ hangs up ]

Wife: Hello, um.. my husband and I would like to have a child, but, unfortunately, my husband is sterile.

Husband: Honey, I’m not sterile!

Wife: Well, in any case.. we have a problem, and we’re unable to have children, and we thought we’d try the House of Sperm.

Clerk: Well, you’ve come to the right place. By far, we have the widest selection. I mean, much more than Gizz World, or Jelly Barn.. any of those places. What did you have in mind?

Husband: Well, uh.. assuming for the moment that I were, uh.. sterile.. what, uh.. and we did, you know.. need your product.. what, uh, what donor would you recommend?

Clerk: [ thinking ] Consider a.. a Nobel Prize winner, for example. We’ve got some Linus Pauling here. [ points to a sample below the case ]

Wife: Oh. Maybe, maybe, yeah..

Clerk: Yeah, an athletic kind of thing in mind, we’ve got Eric Hyden right here.. Here’s a very popular number, it’s very popular.. [ pulls out a full rack of vials ] This is the U.S. Olympic Hockey Team.

Wife: Hmm.. hmm.. uh, you know.. we were talking on the way over here, and we thought maybe it’d be nice to have a child with a really great sense of humor. You wouldn’t, by any chance, have some Rodney Dangerfield?

Clerk: Oh, yes! Very popular item. Let me see here.. [ looks around for some samples, but can’t seem to find any ] Oh.. oh.. well, I’m afraid that we’re all out of Rodney Dangerfield right now. But, actually, if you could ocme back tomorrow, I could re-order..

Wife: Oh.. I don’t know, we’ll think about it..

Clerk: Well, wait, just a second.. perhaps, if you’ll juat wait around for one or two minutes.. I’ll go in the back and check the stockroom, maybe there’s some Rodney Dangerfield back there, okay?

Wife: [ chipper ] Okay! Thank you!

[ Clerk slips into the back room ]

[ cut to back room, where Rodney Dangerfield exits a small room and approaches the Nurse on duty ]

Nurse: Okay, Mr. Dangerfield, thanks for filling those orders, there’s your check.

Rodney Dangerfield: Okay, no problem, you know?

Clerk: [ now entering room ] Hi, Rodney! How’s it going?

Rodney Dangerfield: [ tired ] Okay, you know..

Clerk: Sorry to bother you, but, uh.. you don’t suppose you could, uh..

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, no, no.. not another one.. are you kidding? I can’t make it, forget about it, will ya? Not again!

Clerk: Rodney, Rodney, Rodney.. they’re selling like hotcakes! I mean, people just want funny kids nowadays.

Rodney Dangerfield: But I can’t! I’m not a kid any more, I’m getting old! Are you kidding me? I’m at the age now, when I squeeze into a parking space, I’m sexually satisfied! Are you kidding? I’m old! Why, in my back yard, I got a kidney-shaped pool with a stone in it, are you kidding? It’s rough!

Clerk: [ laughing ] That’s very funny, Rodney! But I’ll tell ya – there would be so much appreciation, and.. and.. and.. and.. affection, and.. hey.. respect, too! Wouldn’t that be great for you – respect, from the unborn generations of the future, if you would, how about it?

Rodney Dangerfield: Well, alright, I’ll do it..

Clerk: Ah, thanks a lot, Rodney! We really appreciate it!

Nurse: [ hands Rodney a large measuring cup ] Here you go, Mr. Dangerfield.

Rodney Dangerfield: Hey, you’re an optimist, aren’t you? [ Nurse hands him the latest issue of Playboy magazine ] Oh, yeah.. thanks. Thanks a lot.

[ cut back to the main area of the shop, in the front ]

Clerk: On the other hand, if you’d like to reconsider, uh.. we’re having a sale on the David Susskind. Uh.. if you change your mind.

Wife: No, no.. we don’t think so..

Clerk: Well, it’s a great bargain. You really oughtta consider it – David Susskind.

Husband: No, we really don’t much care for David Susskind.

Clerk: Yeah, well.. if you don’t want it, then, heck, give it a try.. if the child doesn’t work, bring it back and, uh.. we’ll put it to sleep for ya.

Wife: No. We.. want.. Rodney Dangerfield!

Clerk: Okay, alright.. we’ll have the Rodney Dangerfield for you in just a second, how’s that? [ the couple perks up ] Huh?

[ cut to the back room, where Nurse peeks in to check up on Rodney ]

Nurse: How are you doing in there, Mr. Dangerfield, are you alright?

Rodney Dangerfield: Look, if you keep on interrupting me, we’ll never get anywhere!

[ cut back to from area of shop, as a black couple enters ]

Clerk: Oh, hi! good afternoon. Can I help you?

Black Male Customer: Yeah, uhh.. you got any Paul Robeson?

Clerk: Uh.. no, I’m afraid we don’t.

Black Female Customer: Well, how about some Andrew Young.

Clerk: Uhh.. no, sorry.

Black Male Customer: Uh, yeah.. Willie Mays? You got Willy Mays in there?

Clerk: Uh.. well, I’m afraid that Dr. Shockley doesn’t stock exactly what you had in mind.. but, uh.. the closest we can get for you is, uh.. Tony Orlando. [ Black Male Customer isn’t interested ] Alright.. well, then.. the best thing for you, then – the best bet – would be, uh.. the Mystery Bin.

Black Male Customer: The Mystery Bin? What is that?

Clerk: Uh.. it’s just what it says. It’s a Mystery Bin. I mean, it could be anybody in there, from a bum to a president of the United States – and there is one in there..

Black Male Customer: [ thinking it over ] Uhhh..

Clerk: It’s the best bargain in the house!

Black Male Customer: Uh.. I don’t know, man.. it sounds a little risky to me, man..

Clerk: Well, uh..

Black Male Customer: I’ll tell you what. Since you don’t have no brothers.. who’s that, uh.. white dude, you know the one that “don’t get no respect”?

Black Female Customer: Oh, Rodney.. Rodney Dangerfield.

Black Male Customer: Yeah! You got him?

Clerk: Uhh..

Wife: [ interrupting ] Now, wait a minute! That’s what we’ve been waiting for – the Rodney Dangerfield.

Husband: We were here first!

Clerk: Now, now.. please, please.. let’s not get excited.. there’ll be plenty of Rodney Dangerfield to go around.. [ ambles toward the back door ] Let me, uh.. I’ll check on that right now.. I’ll be..

[ cut to back room, as Rodney pokes his head out from the room to speak to the Nurse ]

Rodney Dangerfield: Hey, is there any way to turn the lights on in here?

Nurse: Uh.. no. I’m sorry, Mr. Dangerfield. Building regulations.

Clerk: How you doing in there, Rodney?

Rodney Dangerfield: Hey, give me a break, will ya? A few more minutes, okay? I’m doing the best I can!

Clerk: Rodney, I hate to re-order again.. [ laughs ] ..but.. could ya?

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, it’s impossible! Are you kidding? I can’t! No way! No way! You kidding? It can’t be done!

Clerk: But, Rodney, this is very important. These are our first black customers.

Rodney Dangerfield: I’m telling ya, you’re gonna kill the goose that laid the golden egg! I’m telling you that right now!

Clerk: Okay, okay. Thanks, Rodney, for trying. [ exits room ]

Music: [ helpful ] Mr. Dangerfield? Would it help if I played a little music?

Rodney Dangerfield: How about a Bolero?

[ cut back to the front room, where a large crowd of people have now gathered, including a group of Nazis and more suburban couples, all shouting at once ]

Wife: We’ve been waiting here for at least twenty minutes!

Clerk: I’m really sorry.. I’m sorry! Please don’t leave.. no.. it’s coming! Please.. it won’t be long.. [ a Man enters the shop ] Can I help you, sir?

Nazi: Yes, uh.. we were wondering if you might, by any chance, have some Rodney Dangerfield.

Clerk: Uh..

Man: Now, we called yesterday! If there’s any Rodney Dangerfield, we should get it!

Clerk: Wait! Wait! I’m gonna try to get the Dangerfield for you! i’m gonna see what I can do! You’ll have to understand! [ re-enters back room ] Uh.. Rodney! Rodney, I hate to ask you this, but.. could you? Ha ha ha!

[ scene fizzles out to reveal Rodney bouncing about it bed with his wife, having a horrible, horrible dream ]

Rodney Dangerfield: [ in his sleep ] I can’t! I can’t! forget about it, I can’t! I can’t!

Rodney’s Wife: Honey! Honey, wake up!

Rodney Dangerfield: Forget about it, I can’t! I can’t! [ opens his eyes, realizing he’s in his own bedroom ] Jeannie! Oh, thank God! Thank God!

Rodney’s Wife: Awwww.. now, let’s turn off the lights, and give me a kiss!

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, I can’t! I can’t! I telling you, I can’t!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 5: Episode 13

 

79m: Rodney Dangerfield / The J. Geils Band

Niggerrand

Spokesman…..Harry Shearer

 

[ open on cartoon financial figure drawings ]

Spokesman V/O: The stock market rises and falls. Savings account interest doesn’t even keep up with inflation. And stamps take YEARS to collect.

[ dissolve to Spokesman seated in leather chair in his office ]

Spokesman: Now… for the person who is wise enough to recognize the world’s finest investment — and secure enough not to have to apologize for it — the South African Gold Board introduces a distinguished new gold coin: the Niggerrand. This 1-ounce, 99.9% fine gold coin commemorates the labor of those who made it possible…

[ dissolve to close-up illustration of the coin ]

Spokesman V/O: With this beautifully-etched portrait of an actual African minesman. On the reverse: a beautifully-etched map of the areas where, by law, these workers are allowed to live.

[ dissolve back to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: You’ll want to treasure your Niggerrands for years to come. Or you’ll want to buy and sell them, just like the people they honor… do! For that perfect person on your gift list, the Niggerand is an especially perfect way of expressing your feelings of caring. Because it’s the gift that keeps on grinning! Tomorrow is the perfect time to begin YOUR investment program.

[ dissolve to the coin ]

Spokesman V/O: Why not visit your selected bank or brokerage house, and put your future in Niggerrands! Because even the colorblind can see gold!

[ fade ]

Rodney Dangerfield’s Monologue

…..Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield: I’ll tell ta, I’m alright now but last week I was in rough shape, ya know? I mean, last week I looked up my family tree – I found out I’m the sap! I’ll tell ya, I can’t relax, you know?

Like the other night, I was in a place and I felt like having a few drinks.. I went over to the bartender, I said, “Surprise me!” He showed me a naked picture of my wife!

Yesterday was a beauty, too – yesterday. I asked a cabdriver: “Where could I get some action?” He took me to my house!

Yeah, I’ll ya, nothin’ goes right, you know? My sex life is nothin’ – my wife put me down for once a month.. put me down for once a month! Oh, I’m lucky – two guys I know, she cut out completely!

I’ll tell ya’, my wife never went for me, I’m not a sexy guy – I know I’m not sexy! What, this morning when I put on my underwear, I could hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling! Are you kidding, I know I’m ugly – I stuck my head out the window, got arrested for mooning! I was an ugly kid, too – I had plenty of pimples. One day I fell asleep in the library, I woke up, a blind man was reading my face!

I’ll tell ya’, I went through plenty! Why, the first time I hitchhiked, I got beat up – I used the wrong finger! Well, that’s the story of my life – no respect! I don’t get no respect at all!

We’ll be right, back, okay!

SNL Transcripts

Substitute Judge

Bailiff…..Garrett Morris
Judge Crochet…..Brian Doyle-Murray
Prosecutor…..Bill Murray
Defense…..Laraine Newman
Defendent’s Wife…..Gilda Radner
Defendent…..Rodney Dangerfield
Court Reporter…..Jane Curtin
Neighboring Judge…..Harry Shearer

[ open on courtroom, the assemblage all sitting around murmuring to one another ]

Bailiff: Oh yeahhhhh, oh yeah! Court is now in session! Substitute Judge Wilson Crotch presiding! All riiiiiise for.. Crotch!

[ the crowd giggles as Judge Crochet approaches his bench ]

Judge Crotchet: I know you all were expecting your regular, but Judge Hoffmeyer is sick today, and I am your substitute judge. My name is Judge Crotchet – not Crotch.

[ the crowd continues to make fun of the substitute judge’s name ]

Crowd: Crotch! Crotch! Crotch!

Judge Crotchet: [ banging gavel ] Alright! I know it’s Friday, it’s the end of the week.. but just because Judge Hoffmeyer is not here, that doesn’t mean this is gonna be fun! You understand? [ sorting through the day’s dockets ] Now, while I try to find my place here, you may speak quietly to your neighbor..

[ naturally, the rowdy crowd bursts with unnecessary energy ]

Judge Crotchet: I said quietly! Qui-et-ly!

Prosecutor: [ approaching the bench ] Your Honor.. uh.. I’m the prosecuting attorney in this case, and.. yesterday, Judge Hoffmeyer said if we were good, we could have court outside today. [ the crowd gets excited ] Honestly! You can ask the defense attorney!

Defense: [ approaches the bench ] Uh.. yeah.. it’s-it’s true, your Honor, we were, uh.. gonna go to the scene of the crime and tell ghost stories.

Prosecutor: Yeah! Yeah!

Judge Crotchet: [ falling for it ] Would this be relevant to the case?

Prosecutor: Aw, sure!

Defense: Yeah, it is!

Judge Crotchet: Well, I understood that you were already in your final summations.

Prosecutor: Ohhhh.. no! No!

Defense: No!

Prosecutor: No! We were just supposed to talk about the final summations today.

Defense: Yeah! We were supposed to have, uh.. [ thinking ] ..court outside, ’cause it was my birthday!

Prosecutor: Yeahhh!

[ the crowd breaks into a chorus of “Happy Birthday To You” ]

Judge Crotchet: [ banging his gavel ] Order! Order! Or I’ll have the bailiff clear the room! [ looking around the room ] Where is the bailiff?

Defendent’s Wife: Uh.. he cleared out of the room!

[ the crowd breaks into raucous laughter ]

Defendent: That’s a good one!

Judge Crotchet: Would someone please go find him?!

Prosecutor: I’ll find him! [ exits courtroom ]

Defense: I’ll find him! [ exits courtroom ]

[ others in the courtroom attempt to exit as well ]

Judge Crotchet: [ flabbergasted ] Not everyone! Just one will do, the rest of you can sit.. my goodness.. [ looking at the case file ] Now.. where is this defendent, uh.. Mr. Richard Hertz.

Defense: Uhh.. his name is “Dick”, your Honor.

Judge Crotchet: Alright. Who’s Dick Hertz?

[ the crowd breaks into raucous laughter ]

Judge Crotchet: [ banging gavel ]

Defendent: Uh.. right here, Judge! [ laughs ]

Judge Crotchet: You just go! We don’t need you here!

Defendent: Okay! [ starts to leave ]

Bailiff: [ interceding ] Wait! Wait! Your Honor, he’s.. the de-fend-ent!

Judge Crotchet: Ohh.. well, then, we do need you, you’d better sit down. [ to the bailiff ] Where were you, anyway, Bailiff?

Bailiff: Your Honor, I was emptying the waste-bas-ket!

Judge Crotchet: [ looking at the bailiff carefully ] Do you have an older brother who’s a bailiff?

Bailiff: Yeeeeesss, your Honor.

Judge Crotchet: Yeah, I remember him-

Bailiff: In Night Court.

Judge Crotchet: Yeah, a fine bailiff in Night Court. I hope you’re as good. Now.. Mr. Hertz, is this the first time you’ve been up before me?

Defendent: I don’t know! What time do you usually get up!

[ the crowd breaks into raucous laughter ]

Judge Crotchet: [ banging gavel ] Sit down! Sit down! Now.. perhaps the Court Reporter will please refresh our memory, uh.. and tell us what were the last words of yesterday’s proceedings?

Court Reporter: [ reading the transcript ] Uh.. “Court dismissed until Ten A.M. tomorrow.”

[ the crowd breaks into raucous laughter ]

Judge Crotchet: I meant before it!

Court Reporter: Yes, your Honor.. um.. [ reading ] The Defense stated that Prosecution hasn’t produced a murder weapon or motive. And the Prosecution said, “So what? I bet he did it, anyway.”

[ the crowd chants “Li-ar! Li-ar! Li-ar! Li-ar!” ]

Court Reporter: I am no-ot!

Judge Crotchet: QUIET!! [ bangs gavel ]

[ Neighboring Jdge enters the courtroom ]

Neighboring Judge: What.. is going on in here? You’re disrupting my courtroom next door. Where is Judge Hoffmeyer?

Judge Crotchet: Uh.. Judge Hoffmeyer is sick, and I’m substituting.

Neighboring Judge: Well, I want the names of each and every one of these people, I’m going to make sure the regular judge is informed of this! And.. if I hear one more peep out of this courtroom, I am going to come back here and I’ll administer some justice! [ exits courtroom ]

[ everyone in court makes “O-o-o-ohhh” noises ]

Judge Crotchet: Well, I hope you’re all happy. Now, shall we get on with this trial?

Defendent: No, let’s forget it!

Judge Crotchet: [ banging gavel ] Silence!! Silence!! Now, Prosecutor.. why haven’t you produced a weapon?

Prosecutor: [ stalling playfully ] Oh, but we talked about that! [ ] Oh, that’s right, you weren’t here! I keep forgetting that! Yeah! I was gonna bring the murder weapon next week! I mean, they have to tag it, and say that it’s evidence and stuff like that.. they wouldn’t even let me touvh it, I guess! But, uh.. uh.. we were just gonna talk about the murder weapon, uh.. this week, uh.. we-we weren’t gonna bring it in until next week! Th-that’s what Judge Hoffmeyer said!

Defense: Your Honor.. are jurors supposed to be asleep?

Judge Crotchet: [ notices one of the jurors is asleep, while others are casually reading newspapers ] Will someone wake up that person?! Please! Wake up! And what are you jurors doing, anyway?! Does Judge Hoffmeyer allow you to read newspapers in court?!Sure! Besides.. mine’s a comic!

Judge Crotchet: You give me that! [ seizes the comic book from the juror ]Hey! That’s mine! I bought it! That’s stealing!

Judge Crotchet: You’ll get it back when court is dismissed! [ ] Excuse me! Excuse me! Perhaps you’d like to show that to everyone? Why don’t you? Come on![ happily ] O-kay! [ ]

Judge Crotchet: Order! I want order! I’ll slap you all with contempt citations so fast, it’ll make your head spin! [ returns to his bench to find his gavel missing ] Now, where is my gavel?

Crowd: I don’t know..

Judge Crotchet: Alright, who took my gavel?! [ the courtroom murmurs in amusement ] Alright, we’re not gonna continue until my gavel is returned.. [ the courtroom giggles ] Alright, I’m gonna put my hands over my eyes.. [ covers his eyes withhi hands ] ..and I want whoever took the gavel.. to return it! Now! [ no one moves ] We can wait all day.. all night, if necessary.. I’m waiting.

[ Defendent’s Wife stealthily returns the judge’s gavel to his bench ]

Judge Crotchet: Is my gavel back, Bailiff?

Bailiff: Yes, it is, your Honor.

Judge Crotchet: Who did it?

Bailiff: She did, your Honor.

[ the crowd is insulted by the Bailiff’s act of snitching ]

Defendent’s Wife: Well, I thought you said nothing would happen if I gave it back!

Judge Crotchet: That’s not what I said. Let’s ask the court reporter what I said.

Court Reporter: You said.. [ reading ] “I want whoever took it to return it now!“

Bailiff: [ clears his throat ] Uh, Judge.. I think the defendent’s wife is right. I think the court reporter’s ly-i-i-ing.

Court Reporter: [ outraged ] I am not!

Judge Crotchet: Bailiff! Bailiff, your brother would be ashamed of you! He was such a fine bailiff, I never had any trouble with him! [ Bailiff looks at the clock ] W-will you stop looking at that clock?

Bailiff: We’re supposed to have a fire drill in one minute.

Judge Crotchet: Oh, really?

Bailiff: Yes.

Judge Crotchet: Let me tell you something: before we go anywhere.. I want you all to know that I’ve been in much lower courts that brhaved better than you do.

Defendent: Let’s all get higher in the court!

[ the crowd breaks into raucous laughter ]

Judge Crotchet: [ banging gavel ] Order! Now, listen up! I want those final summations ready for Monday!

Defense: Does it have to be typed?

Judge Crotchet: Yes, it does! And double-spaced! Judge Hoffmeyer will be back on Monday.

Crowd: Awwwwwwww..!!

Defendent’s Wife: Oh wait, we like you! Will you come back soon?

Crowd: Yeaahhhhhh..!!

Judge Crotchet: I don’t think so. [ the court begins to hum collectively ] I think you all have a lot to learn, about something.. uh.. I call, a fellow named.. Mr.. Maturity. Mr. Self-Respect’s friend. Not to forget.. Mr. Good Manners.. Mr. Politeness.. who’s humming? Stop that humming!! WHO’S HUMMING?!!

Defendent: What humming?

Judge Crotchet: What is this?! Can we STOP the humming?!! [ banging gavel repeatedly to no avail ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Goodnights

…..Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield: Thank you very much, folks! Thanks for coming, huh? All right! I hope you had a great time. I had a great time! Good night! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 13

79m: Rodney Dangerfield / The J. Geils Band

Rodney’s Dressing Room

…..Rodney Dangerfield
…..Father Guido Sarducci
…..Jane Curtin

[ open on Rodney Dangerfield seated in his dressing room, smoking a cigarette as he practices his lines ]

[ a knock at the door ]

Rodney Dangerfield: Uh — come in!

[ Father Guido Sarducci enters the dressing room with a robe draped over his shoulder ]

Father Guido Sarducci: Hello, Mr. Dangerfield.

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh. Hello, Father. How are you? It’s good to see you.

[ they shake hands ]

Father Guido Sarducci: Now, listen — I’m just coming by to say Hello to you —

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, yeah?

Father Guido Sarducci: And I wanted to tell you that I really respect you — I have ALL kinds of respect for you.

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, yeah? Thanks very much, Father. I’m flattered! That’s really nice. No kidding, you know?

Father Guido Sarducci: How’s everything a-going?

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh! Very —

Father Guido Sarducci: They treating you well?

Rodney Dangerfield: They’re treating me like a PRINCE here! It’s really beautiful, you know? Really nice, you know?

Father Guido Sarducci: Hey, uh, I’m-a not-a holding you up, am I?

Rodney Dangerfield: Well… I got a little time to myself — I was gonna look over the script, the show starts in a few minutes. I was gonna go over a few things, that’s all.

Father Guido Sarducci: Hey, you know — I wanted to ask you a favor, if you wouldn’t mind?

Rodney Dangerfield: Yeah?

Father Guido Sarducci: They put me in-a this-a dressing room over here with three other fellows, and it’s-a really crowded in-a there. And, I was wondering — you know, if you didn’t mind — if I could share this dressing room with you. You know, just if it’s okay with you, of course.

Rodney Dangerfield: Well… gee… it’s not really very big in here. There’s not too much room, you know?

Father Guido Sarducci: Well… that’s okay, we can manage. I don’t mind.

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, yeah?

[ Sarducci shoves Dangerfield’s clothes down the rack ]

Father Guido Sarducci: I’m gonna put your stuff down this side, okay?

Rodney Dangerfield: Okay… yeah. I’m just gonna look at this script here real quick, you know?

[ a knock at the door ]

Father Guido Sarducci: I’ll get it.

Rodney Dangerfield: Okay. Right.

[ Sarducci opens the door to allow entry for Jane Curtin ]

Jane Curtin: Oh, good, you’re here. I’ve been looking all over for you.

Father Guido Sarducci: Well… I had to change dressing rooms. It’s a long story, believe me.

Jane Curtin: Hi, Rodney! How are you!

Rodney Dangerfield: Jane! How are you? How are you? There’s a few changes, I’m just going over it.

Jane Curtin: Ahhh! Okay. [ to Sarducci ] Uh… Father and a guy showed up.

Father Guido Sarducci: He did? Well, good. You got it, huh?

Jane Curtin: Yeah. But I had to put up the whole two-hundred myself. If you want half, I’m gonna have to get fifty from you now.

Father Guido Sarducci: Well… do you think, maybe, I could give it to you next week or sometime? Will that be okay?

Jane Curtin: [ shaking her head ] No… I need it now.

Father Guido Sarducci: Well… I only got a hundred-dollar bill. Can you… change a hundred?

Jane Curtin: No, I can’t. Look — why don’t you give ME the hundred, and I’ll owe you fifty?

Father Guido Sarducci: Hey, Mr. Dangerfield? Can you break a hundred-dollar bill for me, please? It’s very important.

Rodney Dangerfield: Uh — I only got about fifty, sixty bucks on me.

Father Guido Sarducci: Uh — can I borrow fifty from you?

Rodney Dangerfield: [ counting his money ] I got $52 here on me —

Father Guido Sarducci: Well… I don’t need the whole thing. The fifty would be fine.

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, yeah? Alright…

Father Guido Sarducci: [ taking the fifty ] Thank you very much, I appreciate it.

Rodney Dangerfield: Okay… right… right…

[ the phone rings ]

Father Guido Sarducci: [ to Jane ] There.

Rodney Dangerfield: [ answering the phone ] Yes? Yes, it is. Who? Okay. Jane! Jane, it’s for you.

Jane Curtin: Oh! [ taking the phone ] Hello? Yeah. Yeah, I got the money…

[ a knock at the door ]

Father Guido Sarducci: I’ll get it.

[ an Italian family enters the room, to Sarducci’s delight ]

Father Guido Sarducci: Hey, uh, Mr. Dangerfield! These are some friends I want you to meet!

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh?

Father Guido Sarducci: Their nephew is-a gonna be on the show with me tonight, from Italy!

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh?

Father Guido Sarducci: And I told them they could watch the show from my dressing room.

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh… sure.

Father Guido Sarducci: I told them you wouldn’t mind.

Rodney Dangerfield: Nah!

Father Guido Sarducci: This is Gabriella Pollino —

Rodney Dangerfield: Good to see ya’.

Father Guido Sarducci: This is her husband, Ron Pollino —

Rodney Dangerfield: Nice to see you, Sir.

Father Guido Sarducci: This little girl, her name is-a Gabriela. That’s their granddaughter. She’s-a named for the grandmother. Same name!

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, yeah…

Father Guido Sarducci: And this is Mr. Pollino’s brother. His name is Mr. Moo Mamou.

Rodney Dangerfield: Good to see ya’. Well, I tell ya’ — I got a lot of stuff to go over here, you know what I mean?

Father Guido Sarducci: Yeah, I bet you never met anybody named Gabriela before, am I right?

Rodney Dangerfield: No. No, never, never.

Father Guido Sarducci: And I’ll bet, for sure, you never met-a TWO Gabrielas in-a the same day! Right?

Rodney Dangerfield: I-I never met one in one MONTH, to tell you the truth, you know?

[ the old woman begins to speak about Dangerfield to Sarducci in Italian, confusing him for Johnny Carson and Ed McMahon, until they recognize Sarducci’s impression of Dangerfield’s “No Respect” routine ]

Father Guido Sarducci: He says they think that they saw you once!

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, yeah? Listen, I think the show’s gonna start pretty soon. I mean, how do I know when I’m supposed to go on? I don’t know, you know what I mean?

Father Guido Sarducci: Well, you can tell because it comes-a on this television set.

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, yeah? But the television’s not turned on!

Father Guido Sarducci: I’ll get it for you.

Rodney Dangerfield: Alright…

[ Dangerfield sits next to Jane on the couch, as Sarducci turns the TV on to reveal a close-up of Dangerfield’s face ]

Father Guido Sarducci: Hey, look! Mr. Dangerfield! That’s YOU!

[ the Italian family becomes excited and repeats Dangerfield’s routine ]

Rodney Dangerfield: Hey! What am I supposed to do?!

Jane Curtin: Oh, look, Rodney — it’s right here in your script, come on. [ she flips through his script ] Let me see, wait a second… um… Okay, Sarducci enters… [ she flips the pages ] Um… a phone call… [ she flips the pages ] Paternas and Mr. Marou… [ she flips pages ] Sarducci turns on the TV set… [ she flips the pages ] I help you find your place in the script… [ she flips the pages ] Oh, yeah! Here it is, here it is right here.

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, yeah! Okay! [ reading from his script as he looks at the camera ] “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

[ the opening montage plays on the TV set, until it dissolves to full-screen mode ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 13


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


March 8th, 1980

Rodney Dangerfield

The J. Geils Band

None

Jerry Mathers

Tony Dow

Yvonne Hudson

Matt Neuman

Sarah Paley

Alan Zweibel

Andy Murphy
Rodney’s Dressing RoomSummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) bunks up in Rodney Dangerfield’s dressing room and brings in visitors to help invade the small space.

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

Transcript

Montage

Rodney Dangerfield’s MonologueSummary: Rodney Dangerfield jokes about his lack of respect in life.

Transcript

NiggerrandSummary: Spokesman (Harry Shearer) promotes the authentic gold coin that celebrates the African miners who dug it up.

Transcript

Dr. Shockley’s House of SpermSummary: Dangerfield tries to keep up with townspeople who crave his sperm donation.

Transcript

The J. Geils Band performs “Love Stinks”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Bill Murray questions Tony Dow and Jerry Mathers about the latter’s Vietnam War death rumor. Father Guido Sarducci interviews a recipient of a nationality-change operation.

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

Transcript

ManhassetSummary: Nightclub comedian Rodney Davis (Rodney Dangerfield) ponders whether or not a relationship with 10-year old Tracy (Laraine Newman) is right for him.

Road To MoscowSummary: Curt Gowdy (Harry Shearer) asks athletes whether President Carter’s boycott of the Summer Games in Moscow will hurt the Russians or American athletes.

Next WeekSummary: Gilda Radner and Jane Curtin announces that next week is “SNL”‘s 100th episode.

Substitute JudgeSummary: A substitute judge (Brian Doyle-Murray) deals with an unruly courtroom trying to take advantage of him.

Transcript

The J. Geils Band performs “Sanctuary”

America on the JobSummary: A salute to the men and women who inspect shirts manufactured in America.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts