Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 13


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


February 24th, 1979

Kate Jackson

Delbert McClinton

Andy Kaufman

None

None

Fred Silverman ISummary: Fred Silverman (John Belushi) calls the Charlie’s Angels – Jaclyn Smith (Gilda Radner), Cheryl Tiegs (Jane Curtin), Kate Jackson – into his office. He explains that he’s working undercover for ABC to destroy NBC. As part of his plan, he’s arranged for Kate Jackson to host “Saturday Night Live.”

Recurring Characters: Fred Silverman.

Transcript

Montage

Kate Jackson’s MonologueSummary: Former NBC Tour Guide Kate Jackson endures a live tour while delivering her monologue.

Bio: Kate Jackson (1948-) eventually left “Charlie’s Angels” after scheduling conflicts prevented her from accepting the female lead in “Kramer vs. Kramer.”

The NerdsSummary: While having her period, Lisa Loopner (Gilda Radner) is dismayed when Todd (Bill Murray) becomes smitten with Mrs. Loopner’s (Jane Curtin) nurse, Michelle (Kate Jackson).

Recurring Characters: Lisa Loopner, Todd DiLaMuca, Mrs. Loopner.

Fred Silverman IISummary: Fred Silverman (John Belushi) continues to botch NBC’s schedule by figmenting “Hello, Gilda” and attempting to salvage his losses for “Supertrain.”

Recurring Characters: Fred Silverman, Tom Snyder.

Transcript

Child PsychiatristSummary: A squeaky-voiced 5-year-old psychiatrist (Laraine Newman) helps autistic Colleen (Gilda Radner).

Recurring Characters: Colleen.

Delbert McClinton performs “B Movie Boxcar Blues”Bio: It took harmonica stylist Delbert McClinton (1940-) almost two decades to be recognized as a solo artist. His harmonica playing can be heard on the 1962 Bruce Channel Hit, “Hey! Baby.”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) gives the Vatican weather report and talks about a UFO he spotted. Roseanne Roseannadanna (Gilda Radner) rambles from the King Tut exhibit to tongues.

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci, Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Andy KaufmanSummary: Andy Kaufman yodels while drummers bang bongos.

Fred Silverman IIISummary: Fred Silverman tries to sell Garrett Morris on a pitch for “Super Limo.” Kate Jackson feels bad about betraying the cast.

Recurring Characters: Fred Silverman.

Transcript

Bad Cabaret For ChildrenSummary:

Recurring Characters: Leonard Pinth-Garnell.

Delbert McClinton performs “Talkin’ About You”

“Mr. Bill Shapes Up”Summary: After Mr. Hands convinces Mr. Bill that he needs to get himself in better shape, Sluggo LaLanne puts Walter Williams’ claymation character through a rigourous workout.

Transcript

The Coneheads Go To The MoviesSummary: The Coneheads enjoy a night out at the lovies to view a revival of “The Day The Earth Stood Still.” Things get out of hand when a stoner (John Belushi) passes a joint to Beldar (Dan Aykroyd), and he promptly freaks out.

Recurring Characters: Beldar Conehead, Prymaat Conehead, Connie Conehead.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 12

78l: Rick Nelson / Judy Collins

The Twilight Zone

…Rick Nelson
Rod Serling/George Burns/Alfred Hitchcock…Dan Aykroyd
June Cleaver/Mrs. Anderson/Mrs. Williams…Jane Curtin
The Beaver/Bud/Mr. Williams…John Belushi
Eddie Haskell/Mr. Anderson/Cesar Romero…Bill Murray
Betty/Linda…Laraine Newman
Louise…Garrett Morris
Lucy…Gilda Radner
Ricky Ricardo…Tom Schiller

[Entire sketch is in black-and-white. Open on black background with twinkling stars as the “Twilight Zone” theme plays]

Rod Serling V/O: You’re traveling to another dimension, a dimension of time and space, a dimension of sight and of mind. You’ve just crossed over into…the Twilight Zone.

[“Twilight Zone” title appears. Fade to Rick Nelson entering a kitchen through the back door]

Rick Nelson: Hi, Mom, I’m home.

Rod Serling V/O: Meet Ricky Nelson, age 16. A typical American kid in a typical American kitchen in a typical American black-and-white TV family home. [Rick takes a pitcher of milk from the fridge and a glass from the cupboard] But what’s about to happen to Ricky is far from typical unless you happen to live in the Twilight Zone. [theme ends as Rick sits at the kitchen table. Cut to view of June Cleaver walking over to the table]

June Cleaver: Oh, Beaver, I’m glad you’re home. [She sits] Larry Mondelo’s mother called, and she would… [notices Rick] Well, you’re not the Beaver.

Rick Nelson: And you’re not my mom. [Eerie music plays]

June Cleaver: Well, I don’t care who you are. You might as well stay for dinner.

Rick Nelson: Gee, thanks!

June Cleaver: Oh, you better call your folks and tell them where you are.

Rick Nelson: [looks around] Wh-Where am I?

June Cleaver: At the Cleaver household! [The whistled “Leave It To Beaver” closing theme plays as June brings Rick a plate of brownies] Now, why don’t you have a brownie, but don’t spoil your appetite. [Exits]

Rick Nelson: Thanks, Mrs. Cleaver. [Rick takes a bite of a brownie and drinks some milk]

June Cleaver: [reenters] Oh, then you better wash up. [Exits]

[The Beaver and Eddie Haskell enter the kitchen. Eddie flicks the Beaver’s ear a few times and taps him with a book]

The Beaver: Hi, Mom, um, I’m home.

June Cleaver: Hello, Beaver. Hi, Eddie.

Eddie Haskell: Hello, Mrs. Cleaver. My, what a lovely dress you have on, ma’am.

June Cleaver: Thank you, Eddie.

Eddie Haskell: Wallace had basketball practice so I went out of my way to walk young Theodore home.

June Cleaver: Thank you, Eddie.

The Beaver: [Notices Rick at the table] Uh, um, who’s this, Mom? [The Beaver and Eddie sit]

June Cleaver: He’s a nice young man who’s looking for his home.

The Beaver: Gee. You know, Eddie, ah-ah-I was thinkin’, bein’ walked home from school an’ stuff, I guess it’s okay ’cause, you know, if I didn’t I’d, I’d get lost like this guy in our kitchen.

Rick Nelson: Excuse me, do you people know where the Nelsons live?

June Cleaver: Nelson, what a lovely name.

Rick Nelson: See, I gotta get home before dinner, ’cause they worry about me.

[Eerie music plays as the camera pans off the set and over to Rod Serling, standing against a black background]

Rod Serling: Submitted for your approval. A 16-year-old teenager walking through Anytown, USA, past endless Elm Streets, Oak Streets and Maple Streets, unable to distinguish one house from the other, for he’s just entered a strange neighborhood, a neighborhood known as…the Twilight Zone.

[Dissolve to Rick entering the same kitchen through the back door]

Rick Nelson: Hi, Mom, I’m home.

Mrs. Anderson: Bud, is that you?

[Rick opens the fridge as Mrs. Anderson enters]

Mrs. Anderson: Oh, hello, you must be Betty’s blind date. [Shakes Rick’s hand and laughs] You’re a little early. I’m Mrs. Anderson. [“Father Knows Best” theme plays as Mrs. Anderson and Rick sit at the kitchen table] Betty’s upstairs getting ready.

Rick Nelson: Oh, I’m sorry. I thought this was my house. My name’s Rick Nelson?

Mrs. Anderson: Nelson, what a lovely name. But Bud told us your name was Larry. [Shrugs] That’s our Bud!

[Mr. Anderson enters]

Mr. Anderson: Oh, you must be Betty’s blind date! I’m Mr. Anderson! [Grins and shakes hands with Rick]

Rick Nelson: It’s a pleasure, Sir, pleasure. I’m Rick Nelson.

Mr. Anderson: Nelson, what a nice name. Presbyterian?

Rick Nelson: Uh, my father is, Sir. My mother’s Episcopal.

Mr. Anderson: Oh, well I certainly hope you’ll be staying for dinner, then. [Grins]

Mrs. Anderson: Oh, you’ll probably want to wash up and have a brownie first.

Rick Nelson: I better call my folks.

[Betty enters]

Betty: Mother, could you help me zip– [sees Rick and becomes nervous] Oh…hi [clears throat]

Mr. Anderson: Princess, this is Bud’s friend, Rick!

Betty: Hello, Ricky. I know Bud put you up to this, and I want you to know I appreciate it.

Rick Nelson: Ah–I think I should explain something to everybody. I can’t go with you, Betty. My folks are expecting me at home, and I really should be getting home.

Betty: That’s all right. [Choking up] I know I’m not the prettiest girl in the world, and I’m not much fun to be with. Anyway, why would someone as good looking as you want to go out with someone like me? [Begins sobbing and runs out of the kitchen]

Mr. Anderson: Princess!

Mrs. Anderson: Betty!

[Bud enters and ignores Rick]

Mr. Anderson: Bud?

Bud: [Looks up] Hi, Dad.

Mr. Anderson: Aren’t you going to say “hi” to your friend, Rick?

Bud: [Looks at Rick and scoffs] I’ve never seen this guy before in my life. [Exits]

Mrs. Anderson: Jim, you better see to Betty. Here. [Hands Mr. Anderson the plate of brownies] Take her some brownies to cheer her up.[As Mr. Anderson exits, the eerie music resumes and the camera pans off the set to Rod Serling]

Rod Serling: Ricky Nelson has a problem. He’s late for dinner. Ozzie and Harriet are waiting for him. If he doesn’t get home soon, his dinner will be cold and he’ll have a lot of explaining to do. He could call home, but who, who would accept the charges on a call from…the Twilight Zone?

[Dissolve to kitchen. Louise is standing over Mrs. Williams and daughter Linda as they have breakfast]

Linda: [As Louise tries to help her] It’s okay.

Mrs. Williams: Louise, the pancakes are cold again this morning.

Louise: [in low, barely audible voice] Uh, well, uh, that’s because they were sitting there.

Mrs. Williams: Well, it’s all right. I guess you did have to wait for us.

Louise: Uh, yes. [To Linda] Uh, let me taste a piece of the… [trails off as Linda feeds her a pancake piece]

Linda: See?

Louise: They are cold.

[Mr. Williams enters]

Mr. Williams: Ah! [Sits at the table] Good news, Uncle Tonoose is coming next week.

[“Make Room For Daddy” theme plays as Mr. Williams reads his copy of “Variety.” He sniffs] Louise, smells like something’s burning.

Louise: Well, with your nose, Mr. Williams, something could be burning in Toledo and you’d know it!

Mrs. Williams: Linda, where’s your brother Rusty this morning?

Linda: Oh, Rusty’s upstairs pretending he’s sick because he’s got a test today!

Mr. Williams: [to Louise] Tell Rusty he better get down here or he can’t come to my show tonight!

Louise: If I tell him that, he’ll stay up there all year! [Exits]

[Rick Nelson enters the kitchen through the back door]

Rick Nelson: Hi, Mom, I’m home!

The Williamses: Hi, Rusty!

[Mr. Williams whistles and reads “Variety’s” back page as Rick helps himself to some milk and sits at the table]

Mr. Williams: How about this? [reading article] Nelson boy still missing. Police today pledge to continue their massive search for teen idol Ricky Nelson after he failed to report home for dinner last night.

Rick Nelson: Well, wait a minute! I’m Ricky Nelson!

[The family does a spit take. Eerie music plays as the camera pans off the set to George Burns]

George Burns: Ricky’s confused. So are the writers, that’s why they brought me in here. You know, actually, Ricky and Rusty are easy names to confuse. In Vaudeville, I was once on a bill with a dance team called Rusty and Ricky. Everyone got them mixed up. See, Ricky and Rusty, well, Rusty had colored hair and…Rusty had rickets, which was unusual for a dance team. Was a great act! Rusty would do the limbo under Ricky’s bow legs until one day a nutritionist caught the show, put Ricky on a multivitamin diet, s’good for his health. Ruined the act. Well, Ricky should be getting home about now. [Takes a puff of his cigar] Let’s see what happens.

[Dissolve to kitchen. Rick enters through the back door]

Rick Nelson: Hi, mom, I’m home.

Lucy: Is that you, Ricky?

Rick Nelson: Yeah, it’s me. [Takes the milk from the fridge and a glass from the cupboard] Boy, the strangest thing happened to me on the way home today.

[Cut to Lucy]

Lucy: You’re not Ricky.

[The “I Love Lucy” theme plays as Lucy and Rick walk to the kitchen table]

Rick Nelson: Yes, I am. I’m Ricky Nelson.

Lucy: No, you’re not. I-i-i-if you’re Ricky, then who are Fred and Ethel?

Rick Nelson: The wacky neighbors?

Lucy: All right, you’re right about that one. But if you are Ricky, who are you bringing home for dinner?

Rick Nelson: Fred and Ethel?

Lucy: No. Cesar Romero. [panics] Oh, no! Ricky’s bringing home Cesar Romero and I forgot about the turkey! [Rushes to the stove. Cut to Ricky Ricardo entering through the back door]

Ricky Ricardo: Hi, honey, I’m back from the club! And I brought a dinner guest, Cesar Romero! [Cesar enters. Cut to Lucy opening a pot with smoke pouring out]

Lucy: Waaaaaah!

[The “I Love Lucy” logo fades in. Dissolve to Alfred Hitchcock]

Alfred Hitchcock: Had Ricky asked, I could easily have provided him with a map of the stars’ homes, available at many newsstands in the Los Angeles area. This, of course, would have solved his problem. However, for reasons unknown to me, the sponsor would not permit it. Good evening.

[The “Alfred Hitchcock Presents” theme plays as Hitchcock turns sideways to match the outlined profile on the screen]

[Applause and fade]

Submitted by: JTR115

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 12

78l: Rick Nelson / Judy Collins

D&R Men’s Stylists

Gloria…..Laraine Newman
Denny…..Rick Nelson
Ron…..Bill Murray
Floyd Hunger…..Dan Aykroyd
Jenny Rocker…..Gilda Radner
Kevin…..John Belushi

[ open on interior of mini-mall ]

[ zoom upward to the barber shop ]

[ dissolve to interior of barber shop, as Gloria manicures Denny’s fingernails ]

Gloria: So, Merrill Osmond sang a song by himself, and then Marie sang a song with Jimmy. That was really good. I wish they’d let Jimmy sing with Marie more often, instead of always with Donny. I mean, that was really the best part, I thought.

[ pull out to reveal Ron trimming Denny’s hair ]

Denny: I didn’t see it. I don’t remember what I was watching.

Gloria: Well… I think Jimmy will be the MOST famous of ALL of them. That’s my prediction.

[ the phone rings; Gloria stands to answer it ]

Gloria: D&R Men’s Stylists. [ she leafs through the appointment book ] Oh, hi, Mr. Payjak. Tuesday afternoon, around two? Just a minute, I’ll check. [ she covers the mouthpiece ]

Ron: Tell him we have an appointment open around 2:30.

Gloria: [ into the phone ] We have an opening at 2:30. Will that be okay? Okay. [ she pencils it in ] I’m sorry, I won’t be here. [ she laughs lightly ] Well, I got a job, you know, at that new hairstylist over at the new mall. Yeah, you know, the one with the waterfall. Right! Yeah, it should be fun. [ a beat ] Are you sure? [ another beat ] Okay, I’ll see you there. [ she hangs up, then turns to face Ron ] Uh — he says he doesn’t know about Tuesday, he’s gonna have to check his schedule.

Ron: [ he sighs heavily ] Gloria… since today is your last day, why don’t you take the rest of the afternoon off?

Gloria: [ excited ] Oh, really? Well, thanks!

Denny: Yeah, I don’t think anybody will be wanting a manicure anyway.

Gloria: [ relunctantly ] Well, I… I guess I’ll get going, then. [ she grans her coat ] Uh — I’m really sorry I had to quit. I hope there’s no hard feelings.

Denny: No, that’s okay.

Ron: [ cheery ] Heeey, when opportunity knocks!

Gloria: Well… goodbye.

Ron: Take care.

[ Gloria exits ]

Ron: [ muttering ] Idiot.

[ Ron removes the tarp from Denny, revealing that the two men are actually co-workers in the salon ]

[ Denny moves to the adjacent chair, as Ron takes the now-vacant seat, and they each begin reading old magazines ]

[ suddenly, Floyd Hunger enters ]

Floyd Hunger: Hey, Ron… Denny.

Ron: Hey, Floyd.

Denny: Hi. Just on time.

[ Denny rises, as Floyd takes his chair ]

Floyd Hunger: Uh, I don’t think I need to get it washed today, Denny. I just did it myself this morning. Just give me a little trim, will’ya?

Ron: Hey, how’s business at your place, Floyd? Any better?

Floyd Hunger: I can’t believe it. I’ve only sold… [ counting in his head ] three suits all month.

Denny: Phew. Oh, that’s too bad, Floyd.

Floyd Hunger: You know, I really thought Valentine’s Day would generate a little more business than it did. [ thinking ] It’s only a few months ’til Easter, right?

Denny: You know, Frank from National Shoes was in here the other day.

Floyd Hunger: Mmm-hmm?

Denny: And he said there’s not enough parking at the new mall.

Ron: Can you believe that? Brand new, and there’s already not enough parking.

Denny: Ah, we figure once people are tired of having to hunt for parking spaces, they’ll be coming back here.

Floyd Hunger: Well, you guys are still doing alright, though, aren’t ya’?

Denny: [ he shrugs ] Well, we’ve still got our hospitals. If we didn’t have that, we’d be in bad shape.

Floyd Hunger: Is it hard to… cut someone’s hair while they’re in bed? I’d think it’d be really hard.

Denny: No, not really, ’cause they mostly want trims.

Ron: I remember, once, I was giving a guy a haircut… and he DIED, right when I finished. His head slumped forward, you know, and I thought he wanted me to trim more off the back. I’m going, chopping like a you-know-what on the back if the guy’s neck, and the guy in the next bed says to me: “Hwy, uh, I think he’s just taken his last haircut!” That’s how I found out he was DEAD!

[ the phone rings; Ron answers ]

Ron: D&R Men’s Hair Stylists. [ a beat ] Yes, you do! [ he hangs up, angry ] It’s him again!

Floyd Hunger: Who was that?

Denny: Oh, this kid who keeps calling and asking if you have to have an appointment to get a haircut. And then, when you say “Yeah”, he starts laughing. [ he shrugs ] I don’t know. He must think it’s funny, or something.

Ron: What’s funny about having to make an appointment to get a haircut? Am I missing something, or what?

Floyd Hunger: [ he shrugs and shakes his head ] I don’t see anything funny about it, Ron.

[ Ron sits ]

Denny: You know, I hear Puppy Land’s moving out to the new mall.

Floyd Hunger: Those are rumors. Puppy Land can’t move now. All the puppies would get sick. If they’re gonna move, they’ll have to wait ’til Spring.

Ron: That’s what I heard — I heard they plan to move in the Spring.

Floyd Hunger: Maybe they’re gonna move in the Spring. But they can’t move now.

[ suddenly, Jenny Rocker enters, smiling ]

Jenny Rocker: Hi, Floyd! I thought that was you!

Floyd Hunger: Hi, Jenny.

Jenny Rocker: Hi, Denny! Hi, Ron!

Denny: Hi, Jenny.

Ron: Hi, Jenny.

Jenny Rocker: Hey! Did you hear that Fanny Farmer is moving? Do you realize that’ll make it six stores moving out this year?

Ron: You counting Puppy Land in there?

Jenny Rocker: Is Puppy Land moving?

[ Ron nods ]

Floyd Hunger: I don’t think Puppy Land’s moving. Not ’til the Spring, anyway.

Jenny Rocker: Well… if Puppy Land does move, that’ll make it seven moving this year.

Denny: Hey, how’s business at the Scotch tape store? Everything okay?

Jenny Rocker: [ ecstatic ] Oh, things have been terrific! Everyone needs tape to put up their “Going Out of Business” signs! We’ve been swamped!

Ron: Heeey, don’t we need some tape, Denny?

Denny: [ thinking ] Yeah. I’ll have to drop over and get some.

Jenny Rocker: Oh! You don’t have to. I’ll send Kevin over with it. What do you want — the regular thirty-nine center, or the economy fifty-five center?

Denny: Ohhhh, I think we’ll get the one for thirty-nine.

Jenny Rocker: [ disappointed ] Okay.

Denny: If we need more, we can always get it later.

Jenny Rocker: Alright, fine. I’ll send it right over. Goodbye, Floyd!

Floyd Hunger: See you, Jenny.

Ron: See you, Jenny.

Jenny Rocker: Bye!

[ she exits ]

Floyd Hunger: [ he sighs ] You know… I never thought they’d make it. A store that just sells Scotch tape? It just goes to show ya’. Hey, where’s Gloria?

Denny: Uh — Gloria quit, Floyd. She got a job with that new men’s hair stylist in the new mall.

Floyd Hunger: Awww. Sorry to hear that, guys.

Ron: Well… she was working here kind of freelance, so you can’t blame her. You know, business hasn’t been very good, so… We couldn’t take her with us to the hospital, it wouldn’t look quite right, you know?

Floyd Hunger: Yeah, well… she’ll probably do okay there. She’s a good girl. I’ll miss her.

[ Kevin enters ]

Kevin: [ bored ] One roll of tape. That’ll be fifty-eight.

Denny: No, no. I ordered the thirty-nine center, not the fifty-eight.

Kevin: I — I thought you wanted the fifty-eight center?

Denny: No, I wanted the thirty-nine center.

Kevin: [ aggravated ] Awwww, I’ll be right back.

[ Kevin exits ]

Floyd Hunger: [ patting his hair ] Well, that should do it there, Den. [ Denny removes the tarp from around Floyd ] So, remember, guys: Whatever happens, never quit! [ he stands to examine himself in the mirror ] You want to win the game? Never quit. A mall’s a lot like a football team. If you got faith in it, it’ll always come back.

Ron: That’s right.

Denny: Yeah, that’s right, Floyd.

Floyd Hunger: [ uneasy ] Uhhh — look, uhh — Denny, I might have to get this next week.

Denny: Oh, that’s okay, Floyd.

Floyd Hunger: Alright. Hey, see you later, guys.

[ Floyd exits, as Kevin re-enters ]

Kevin: Okay. Here’s your thirty-nine center. That’s forty-two, with tax.

Denny: Kevin, I — I don’t have much change right now. Would you mind putting that on our bill?

Kevin: [ aggravayed ] Okay, that’s SIX rolls you owe us now!

Ron: Say, Kevin — you know, you’re getting a little shaggy on one side there. Why don’t you let us balance it out for you?

Kevin: Nah, my mom cuts my hair better than you can, any day! Besides… you don’t have to make any appointments! [ he smirks, then exits ]

[ Ron glances at Denny, then touches his own hair ]

Ron: Take a little off the side, but not as much, huh? I’ve got a date. I want it to blow in the wind.

[ Denny procees to cut Ron’s hair, as the scene pulls back ]

[ SUPER: “coming up next… Disco Death House” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 12

78l: Rick Nelson / Judy Collins

Dick Lanky on WGN Radio

Dick Lanky…Bill Murray
Woman Caller #1/Eastern Operator…Jane Curtin
Todd Sweeney…Dan Aykroyd
Woman Caller #2/Phone Operator…Gilda Radner
Man Caller #1…Garrett Morris
Promotions Operator…Laraine Newman
Man Caller #2/Lobster Deliverer…John Belushi

[Fade in on “ON AIR” light in the WGN radio studio as Gerry Rafferty’s “Baker Street” plays in the background. Music fades as the camera pans over to Dick Lanky, on the phone with a caller]

Dick Lanky: All right, we’re back on. Can you say th–Hey, folks at home, grab a pencil. Could you say that again for the folks at home?

Woman Caller #1: The number to call if you wanna pledge to donate blood to the Taggert twins is 555-8679.

Dick Lanky: [writing the number down] All right, that’s great. Let’s see if we can get that blood pledged by nine o’clock. Come on, WGN is gonna help. You know, there’s always a blood shortage when we get this kinda cold weather, so let’s help out.

Woman Caller #1: Oh, and Dick, if we meet this goal, not only will we save a child’s life, but I’ll send you two live Maine lobsters from Allgauer’s Restaurant so you can eat them when you want.

Dick Lanky: Well, thanks a lot! Thanks very much. [Hangs up] Okay, those twins need some blood and I need some lobsters. Come on, Chicago, let’s hear from ya. And before that, we heard, uh, Gerry Rafferty and his “Baker Street.” You know, I always wondered what the heck he meant by Baker Street, where is it, what is it? Somebody give me a phone call if you know the story on Baker Street, huh? 555-2150. And now we’re gonna have a weather update, I hope, from Todd Sweeney. [Todd Sweeney enters] And, uh Todd, move in here. Tell us what kinda day it is today.

Todd Sweeney: [Taking a seat next to Dick] Well, thank you, Dick. Clearing to partly sunny today, winds steady to the northeast at 15 miles an hour, picking up to 35 miles an hour this afternoon. The barometer is 28.90 and falling pretty quickly now. The chance of precipitation is near zero this morning, 20 percent this afternoon and 20 percent tonight. Temperatures will be 10 to 12 degrees below normal for this time of year and, ah, we can look for more o’ that in the next few days. Now back to more music with Dick Lanky.

Dick Lanky: Thank you, Todd. What’s the temperature right now?

Todd Sweeney: Ah, uhh [looking through his papers] Uh, didn’t I–didn’t I read it now? [Dick shakes his head] I guess–guess we didn’t get it yet. [Todd shrugs] We, I’ve been out, so I don’t know what’s going on.

Dick Lanky: All right out there, gimme the temperature, come on if you know out there, gimme a phone call! [Todd exits] We gotta know, we’ll let everyone else know. [Answers phone] All right, Breakfast with Lanky, hello?

Woman Caller #2: Hey, Dick, it’s 28 degrees right now.

Dick Lanky: Ah, thank you, 28 degrees, everybody…

Woman Caller #2: Yeah, and I was wondering, my husband and I flew on Eastern Airlines recently from Atlanta to Chicago, and our pilot looked exactly like Frank Borman. I’d like to know if he actually flies any of those planes.

Dick Lanky: Well, I’m sure he’s qualified if he can fly to the moon, for heaven’s sake. But let’s find out, okay. We’ll do that this morning [Hangs up] Anybody, who knows the number for Eastern Airlines’ home office, come on. [Answers phone] Let’s call up Frank Borman this morning, all right? Hello?

Man Caller #1: Yes, I saw in the news in New York this morning about this kid who needs pregnant mothers’ milk to stay alive.

Dick Lanky: Yes.

Man Caller #1: I have some, and I’d like to know how to send it.

Dick Lanky: [Picks up index card with information] You know, we’ve been getting a lotta calls about that. He’s a little boy named Joey Sullivan in Runston, New Jersey, and we hope he gets well soon. You can call area code 201-555-5327 to give him a hand. We’re all pullin’ for ya, and you know that. Thanks a lot, appreciate it. [Answers another line] Hello?

Man Caller #2: Hey, Dick, the number for Eastern’s home office.

Dick Lanky: Yeah.

Man Caller #2: 311-555-4915. It’s in Miami.

Dick Lanky: Oh, Miami, thanks a lot, I appreciate it. Thanks a lot. [Dials the operator] Hey.

Phone Operator: Operator.

Dick Lanky: Yeah, yeah Operator, Dick Lanky at WGN Radio. Hey, we gotta call Eastern Airlines in Miami. We’re talkin’ to Frank Borman this morning, hopefully. It’s 311-555-4915, please. … Rock Hudson is 61 today. Audrey Hepburn is 50, I don’t believe it, I’d do it in a minute. How about you?

Eastern Operator: Eastern Airlines.

Dick Lanky: Yeah, Dick Lanky, WGN in Chicago. I’m on the air. I’d like to talk to Frank Borman.

Eastern Operator: Hold on. I’ll connect you to Promotion. [sound of phone ringing]

Dick Lanky: Say, if you need a free chest X-ray, the mobile unit’s gonna be at Oak Park Monday and Tuesday. So get out there and check it out.

Promotion Receptionist: Mr. Hidey’s office, Eastern Promotion.

Dick Lanky: Ah, Dick Lanky, WGN Chicago calling.

Promotion Receptionist: What is this in regard to?

Dick Lanky: I wanna talk to Frank Borman to see if he flew a plane from Atlanta to Chicago last week. [laughs]

Promotion Receptionist: Ah, I wouldn’t know that. I don’t think anyone here in the Promotion department would know.

Dick Lanky: Well, where is Frank? Where is Frank?

Promotion Receptionist: Mr. Borman is in Montreal right now.

Dick Lanky: Where is he staying, do you know?

Promotion Receptionist: I’m afraid I can’t release that information.

Dick Lanky: Well, we’re on the air right now, ah. Okay, I’ll try someone else. Thank you. [Hangs up] Hey, who out there knows Frank Borman’s number in Montreal? Gimme a phone call, will ya? [Lobster deliverer enters] You know, the largest lake in the world is the Caspian Sea. [Deliverer sets a yellow bag on the counter and takes out two lobsters] Uh oh, I think we musta–oh! I wish you could see what’s happening here. We musta met our goal on the blood donations for the Taggert twins because the lobsters from Allgauer’s just arrived. Are these flown in live from Maine every day?

Lobster Deliverer: No. “Live from New York, its Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: JTR115

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 12

78l: Rick Nelson / Judy Collins

Goodnights

…..Rick Nelson

Rick Nelson: Thank you… everybody. Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 12

78l: Rick Nelson / Judy Collins

Rock Against Yeast ’79

Don Kirshner…Paul Shaffer
Jerry Eldini…Bill Murray
Olivia Newton-John…Laraine Newman
Bob Marley…Garrett Morris
…Rick Nelson
King One…Dan Aykroyd
King Two…John Belushi
Dolly Parton…Jane Curtin
Candy Slice…Gilda Radner

[Open on a backstage room filled with celebrities. Rock promoter Don Kirshner and Polysutra executive Jerry Eldini are conversing in front of an hors d’oeuvres table]

Don Kirshner: …terrific, terrific thing. And, and really, I gotta say, Jerry, that it’s a fabulous, fabulous thing when a Rick Nelson flies in from a Los Angeles, when an Olivia calls and says, you know, “What, Don is having a benefit, I’m there.” Forget about it, you know, ’cause it’s a love and a respect and a thing, it’s just…we’re golden with this benefit, already!

Jerry Eldini: There’s only one guy who could have set this whole benefit up, and I’m looking at him, Don Kirshner, you know that.

Don Kirshner: Don’t give me, Jerry. It was your idea.

Jerry Eldini: Gah! My idea, my idea. [crowd applause is heard in the background. Olivia Newton-John walks up to Don and Jerry] Ah! Monster, monster, Olivia, Olivia.

Olivia Newton-John: Oh, thank you.

Jerry Eldini: How about a little tootski, honey? [Turns his back to the camera as he secretly offers Olivia some cocaine]

Olivia Newton-John: Oh, sure.

Jerry Eldini: Go! Go again!

Olivia Newton-John: [wipes her upper lip] Oh, am I showing? Am I showing?

Jerry Eldini: A little bit on your nose. Little bit.

Don Kirshner: Olivia, I have to say that we are so grateful to have a rock giantess like yourself participate in our benefit.

Olivia Newton-John: Well, it’s a worthy cause, Don. I’d do it again to help stamp out yeast infections in our lifetime.

Jerry Eldini: When I see all this monster talent herded together under one roof and pause to reflect that, hey, me, Jerry Eldini, along with this [points to Don] very great, very small, [laughs] very small, very great man…

Don Kirshner: Oh, you’re terrible, Jerry!

Jerry Eldini: Oh, had a hand in organizing Rock Against Yeast ’79, I’m just proud as pee to be as part of the Polysutra label.

Don Kirshner: Jerry, where’s Candy? She’s on soon. I hope she’s straight for the concert.

Jerry Eldini: [Begins looking around] I don’t know. I hope she’ll be good. She was here. [Camera moves to couch where Bob Marley and Rick Nelson are sitting]

Rick Nelson: You know, Bob, I was in Jamaica for the Wailers concert in April. I really dug it.

Bob Marley: You were in Ja, man, for that thing!

Rick Nelson: Yeah.

Bob Marley: I’ll be doggone, man. That’s some thing, you know? I remember hearin’ about your concert, too. They tell me it was real good, you know. Everybody doin’ the reggae to it and stuff.

Rick Nelson: Yeah, sure. Yeah, sure. I dug it.

Bob Marley: Y’ever been to the… [notices someone entering and taps Rick on the leg] Oh-oh-oh-oh who’s dat, man? Who’s dat dere?

[Camera pans over as an Elvis impersonator enters]

Rick Nelson: Oh, he’s part of an Elvis Presley impersonation act. He plays Elvis in the early-’50s, you know.

Bob Marley: He plays Elvis?

Rick Nelson: Yeah, he calls himself King One.

Bob Marley: King One?

[A second Elvis impersonator enters, dressed as the heavier 1970s Elvis]

Rick Nelson: King Two.

Bob Marley: King Two?

[Both Kings walk over to the couch and sit]

King One: [speaking like Elvis] Uh. E-Excuse me, are you Ricky Nelson?

Rick Nelson: Yeah. Hi. [Shakes King One’s hand] This is Bob Marley. [King One shakes Bob’s hand]

Bob Marley: How you doing, King One?

King One: I just wanna say I’m a big fan, and I know the real King was a buddy of yours. I just hope you get a chance to see our show.

King Two: We try to do the King justice. I have a ‘specially tough time ’cause I’m playin’ the latter part of the King’s life, after he discovered carbohydrates.

Rick Nelson: Right, yeah, well, what do you call your show?

King Two: Elvi!

King One: Uh, s-say, is that Dolly Parton over there or is that a Dolly Parton impersonator? [camera pans to Dolly Parton standing nearby]

Bob Marley: Gotta be Dolly.

Rick Nelson: [Stands up and brings Dolly over to the couch] Yeah, uh, Dolly? I want you to meet some friends of mine. [Bob Marley and the Elvi stand] Bob Marley. [Bob and Dolly shake hands] and the Elvi.

King One: Howdy.

King Two: [shakes Dolly’s hand] Hello, Dolly!

Dolly Parton: Hello. [giggles] Pleased to meet you both! [to Bob] I just love your “reggie” music. It’s so cute.

Bob Marley: Oh, that’s reggae, Miss Parton.

Dolly Parton: [leans forward] Oh, who does your hair?

Bob Marley: Who does–

[Jerry Eldini reenters the room]

Jerry Eldini: Attention, please! Elvi, you’re on next. Elvi One, please, and then Elvi two, stand by, okay? King One, King Two.

Kings One and Two: Nice meetin’ you folks. We got some impersonatin’ to do! [They exit]

Jerry Eldini: Good luck, fellas. Fabulous outfits, huh? Has anybody seen Candy Slice? Little girl who’s platinum around here who’s lost, little platinum…. Come on, anybody?

[Jerry opens the door. Candy, carrying a beer bottle, takes a few wobbly steps into the room and falls forward. Jerry catches her, pulls her back to her feet and guides her around the room]

Jerry Eldini: Candy! Hey, babe! We’ve been looking for you. Everybody’s dying to meet you.

Olivia Newton-John: Oh, excuse me.

Jerry Eldini: Olivia, do you know Candy Slice?

Olivia Newton-John: Oh, Miss Slice. You know, I’ve never actually seen you perform, but I’ve heard that you’re very, very hot. Do have a good show, really!

[Candy burps]

Olivia Newton-John: Salami? Is that salami? [Jerry leads Candy over to Dolly Parton. Candy stares at Dolly’s breasts for a moment]

Dolly Parton: Knock ’em dead tonight, honey! [laughs] At least we’re not wearin’ the same thing!

Candy Slice: [points to Dolly’s forehead] Hey, you’re gettin’ a zit there.

Jerry Eldini: Uh, Dolly, why don’t you go to the ladies room and freshen up, okay? [Hands Dolly a packet of coke] From Polysutra. Rick? [walks over to Rick Nelson] Hey, Candy Slice has been dying to say hello.

Rick Nelson: Uh, Miss Slice? [Candy takes a swig from her beer bottle] It’s really neat to meet you and be on the same show with you and everything, and I just wanna tell you I’m a big fan of yours. I love your latest album, “Making the Pig Sick.”

[Candy spits out her beer and leans her head against Rick’s chest]

Jerry Eldini: [Pulling Candy back up and laughing] Come on, Candy! Do you know who this is, for heaven’s sake?

Candy Slice: Fabian?

Jerry Eldini: [Catching Candy as she collapses] She’s quite a little kidder as it turns out. [Pulls her up] Upski, you little firecracker! Come on, you’re on in a few seconds! [Catches a stagehand’s attention] Howard, can you give me a hand? [Jerry turns to Rick as he and Howard help Candy out of the room] Thank you so much. It’s a real favor. She really appreciates it.

[Cut to shot of hallway as Candy is led, then carried, to the stage. The audience is applauding as the Elvi finish their act]

Jerry Eldini: The Elvi, everyone! Weren’t they fantastic? [The Elvi exit. Jerry props up Candy in front of the microphone] Test, one-two, test. Now, ladies and gentlemen, the rock-a-thon of Hope for Yeast benefit, in association with Don Kirshner and myself, Jerry Eldini –[laughing] okay, nobody knows me, I don’t care — take pride in presenting The Candy Slice Group, come on!

[Audience cheers]

Candy Slice: [slurring] Heeeey! Hey, Mick Jagger! If you’re out there, this is for you! [Candy waves her arm and the band starts playing]

[singing]
“Gimme Mick, gimme Mick
Baby’s hair, bulgin’ eyes, lips so thick
Are you woman, are you man
I’m your biggest funked-up fan

Gimme Mick, gimme Mick
Baby’s hair, bulgin’ eyes, lips so thick
Are you woman, are you man
I’m your biggest funked-up fan
So rock me and roll me ’til I’m sick.”

[Struts up and down the stage]

“Some girls want Travolta
All black and white and slick
But there’s screamin’ hunky mamas yellin’
Gimme Mick

Well my fine performance
Take my wife and all that shtick
Makes me die just ta meet ya

(Gimme Mick, gimme Mick
Baby’s hair, bulgin’ eyes, lips so thick)
Are you woman, are you man
I’m your biggest funked-up fan
So rock me and roll me ’til I’m sick

You, Mick Jagger, actually continue to perform at a concert where someone got knifed and killed during the 60’s
You, Mick Jagger, are English and go out with a model and get an incredible amount of publicity
You, Mick Jagger, don’t keep regular hours
You, Mick Jagger, have the greatest rock ‘n roll band in the history of rock ‘n roll, and you don’t even play an instrument yourself

(Rock ‘n roll, rock ‘n roll
Gimme gimme gimme rock ‘n roll)
Gimme gimme rock ‘n roll
(Gimme gimme gimme gimme)
Gimme gimme
Gimme gimme gimme gimme

Gimme Mick, gimme Mick
Baby’s hair, bulgin’ eyes, lips so thick
Are you woman, are you man
I’m your biggest funked-up fan
So rock me and roll meeee…
‘Til I’m sick [burps]-Ugh!”

[Candy hops up and down as the band plays its final chord, collapsing as the music stops. Applause and cheers. Jerry Eldini tries to pick Candy up as the scene fades]

Submitted by: JTR115

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 12


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


February 17th, 1979

Rick Nelson

Judy Collins

None

None

Tom Schiller

Paul Shaffer

Tom Davis

Brian Doyle-Murray

Mitchell Laurence
Dick Lanky on WGN RadioSummary: It’s a flurry of activity as disc jockey Dick Lanky (Bill Murray) hosts “Breakfast with Lanky”, and he needs his listeners to provide with all the information hat he needs to get out to them.

Recurring Characters: Dick Lanky.

Transcript

Montage

Rick Nelson’s MonologueSummary: Rick Nelson performs “Hello Mary Lou”, “Travelin’ Man” and “Fools Rush In”.

The Twilight ZoneSummary: Rick Nelson finds himself trapped in the kitchens of black-and-white family sitcoms oher than “The Adventures of Ozzie & Harriet”.

Recurring Characters: Rod Serling, Alfred Hitchcock, George Burns, Cesar Romero.

Transcript

Rock Against Yeast ’79Summary: Musical celebrities gather backstage at Rock Against Yeast ’79, where Candy Slice (Gilda Radner) eventually surfaces so she can perform “Gimme Mick”.

Recurring Characters: Don Kirshner, Jerry Eldini, Candy Slice, Dolly Parton.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurrayRecurring Characters: Chico Escuela.

Judy Collins performs “Hard Times for Lovers”

Quien Es Mas Macho?Recurring Characters: Eliot Ness.

Inhaling Helium

D&R Men’s StylistsSummary: Men’s hairstylists Denny (Rick Nelson) and Ron (Bill Murray) suffer slow business at the mall, while the neighboring Scotch Boutique flourishes in the wake of store closings.

Recurring Characters: Floyd Hunger, Jenny Rocker, Kevin, Ron.

Transcript

Picasso: The New York Years

Rick Nelson performs “Dream Lover”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 11

78k: Cicely Tyson / Talking Heads

World at War

Richard Burton…..Bill Murray

[ open on black-and-white footage of World War II ]

Richard Burton V/O: June 5th, 1944. Paris. It is the day before 300,000 allied forces hit the beaches at Normandy to save a Nazi-occupied France. The leaders of both the allied and axis powers have readied themselves with a confrontation that could decide the fate of the entire free word. One man — General Dwight D. Eisenhower — made a last-ditch effort to avoid bloodshed and peacefully liberate France. To accomplish this, he called up… The Walker Brigade.

[ title card ]

[ dissolve to Richard Burton ]

Richard Burton: Good evening. I’m Richard Burton. Ike was hesitant to launch a D-Day attack that would jeopardize the lives of hundreds of thousands of men! So when it was suggested that the 45-men Walker Brigade confront the Nazi guns on June Five… Ike JUMPED at the notion!

V/O: Walker Platoon! Aten… hut!

[ cut to black-and-white footage of soldiers marching with walkers across enemy fields ]

Richard Burton V/O: Little is known about the Walker Brigade. This rare footage shows that they were a group of patriotic men who were EAGER to serve their country!

[ continued footage shows soldiers with walkers running an obstacle course ]

Richard Burton V/O: Don’t let looks deceive! The Walker Brigade was not composed of disabled soldiers — they were a group of able-bodied men who knew that the Geneva Convention stated that: [ SUPER: “… the enemy cannot shoot at, capture, take hostage of, torture or taunt any soldier who has a convalescent device.” ] “… the enemy cannot shoot at any soldier who has a walker!”

[ continued footage shows soldiers with walkers parachuting from planes ]

Richard Burton V/O: And so it began. In the grey dawn, June Five, the greatest airlift in the history of ambulatory aid took place over France.

[ a soldier with a walker dangles from a tree after landing ]

Richard Burton V/O: The strategy: From behind German lines at Orleans, approach Jerry’s SOUTHERN front, drive him north and FORCE him to surrender his BACK to the English Channel! Slowly, the Walker Brigade advanced along the perimeter of battle!

[ continued footage shows soldiers crawling along the ground beneath their walkers ]

Richard Burton V/O: The Walkers drove deep in Drax’s territory. They had nearly approached Orleans, where the entire German waylock was coiled and ready to STRIKE! If their mission failed, the ultimate conflict would be at hand! A CLASH between two opposing forces, would combine power to destroy civilization! THIS was the confrontation that these heroic men, 45 strong, wanted to prevent. At exactly 11:31 a.m., the undaunted Walker Brigade broke through a crack in the Siegfried Line! And, at exactly 11:32, Jerry, with no regard for the Geneva Convention, DECIMATED the Walker Brigade!

[ German soldiers open fire on the Walker Brigade, as soldiers and walkers topple over ]

[ return to Richard Burton ]

Richard Burton: D-Day went on as scheduled! The Walker Brigade was IDIOTIC! A STUPID ida, from a military standpoint, but a GOOD one if you host a show like this and are running out of rare film footage that still makes World War II look interesting! Im’ Richard Burton. Please join me next time, when “World at War” brings you RARE footage about… the Dialysis Division! Until then… good night!

[ THE END ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 11

78k: Cicely Tyson / Talking Heads

Nick Rails

Nick…..Bill Murray
Pianist…..Paul Shaffer
Captain Doctor Rice Lake…..Dan Aykroyd
Leslie Newcombe…..Cicely Tyson
Man with Leslie…..Andy Murphy
Jamarro the Bartender…..Garrett Morris
Elaine Sulfrey…..Laraine Newman
Bill Sulfrey…..John Belushi

[FADE IN on a closeup of Nick singing into his microphone over piano accompaniment.]

Nick:
“Freeeeeeeak OUT!!!
Le freak, so chic,
Freak OUT!!!
Le freak, so chic,
Freak oouu-oouu-oouu-oouu-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUT!!!!!!!”

[PAN back to show the bar car on a passenger train. Nick is wearing a white leisure suit over a blue tropical shirt. The customers clap obligingly as a couple emerge from the next car, stop behind Nick, and wait for him to move out of their way.]

Nick: Thank you, thank you. Welcome to the auto train lounge! I’m your h– [notices couple waiting behind him] Excuse me. I’m your host, Nick Rails, and I’ll be the entertainment, like it or lump it, all the way to Orlando.

[piano flourish]

Nick:
“People all over the wor-r-rrrrrrld,
Get your caaaaarrrrrrr,
Drive it onto the auto traiiiinnnn…
The next stop that we maaaaaaaaaaaaake
Will be Florida-a-aaaa…”

[Nick turns around and jerks a thumb over his shoulder at a map of Florida sewn onto the back of his jacket.]

Nick: How many people your first trip to the Sunshine State, huh? [several passengers raise hands] How many people, first trip to Florida on the auto train? [most passengers raise hands] You know, when we get down there, you really have to watch the unloading of the cars, because the auto train staff is the best, it’s really something to see. Let me see who’s here enjoying the ride on the auto train–uh-oh–a serviceman! [stops at table] Ten-HUT! [salutes and laughs] Nick Rails, reporting as ordered! Give me your name, rank, and serial number, will ya? [sticks mike in his face]

Serviceman: [tightly] I’m Captain Doctor Rice Lake, United States Army Medical Corps, I’m on route to the Combined Services Trauma Center in Key West, Florida.

[laughter]

Nick: And, uh, what kind of car do you have, Captain Doctor?

Captain Lake: Uh, I got a ‘68 ‘Vette, with a blown 427, and a Hearst competition shifter on the floor, and a fuzz-buster on the dash. I made it from Utica to Washington in two hours and twenty minutes.

Nick: Hoo-hoo. That must some kinda record, I think. What do you do in the service?

Captain Lake: Uh, I’m an Army urologist.

Nick: You know, I would like to talk with you later, if I could, I’d appreciate it. [to piano player] Well, we got an Army doctor on, is there something we can do, uh… yeah, here’s something for all you Army medics.

[The pianist starts the chorus to “Suicide Is Painless.”]

Nick:
“G.I’s who’ve been drafted,
Viet vets who’ve been shafted…”

[Captain Doctor Lake claps hard, hands in driving gloves.] Nick: “They all know the wooooooorrrrrrrrds to the THEME from “M*A*S*H”!!!”

Nick: [over applause] Thank you.

[He steps across the car to another table at which an older white man and a a black woman are sitting.]

Nick: Say, uh, here’s an odd couple. What’s your name?

[He sticks the microphone in the woman’s face, but she stares at the floor and doesn’t make a sound.]

Nick: [nonplussed] Excuse me, I’m sorry, I don’t think everybody heard you. What’s your name?

Woman: [haltingly] Leslie Newcombe.

Nick: Leslie, and what kind of car did you bring on? Leslie: It ain’t none of my car, it’s his car.

Nick: [to man] What kind is it?

Man with Leslie: ‘78 white and green four-door Plymouth Fury!

Nick: Uh-huh. [to Leslie] Are you from Florida?

Leslie: [shakes head] I’m from Illinois. [pauses] But I was down there, a couple weeks ago… had a real good time, you know, so, uh… they want me back, and I think… maybe this time I’ll probably stay about eight or ten years.

[The man next to her reaches across the table for his drink, and his hand can clearly be seen handcuffed to Leslie’s.]

Nick: Ouch. Well, this one’s for you, then, huh?

[Piano player starts “Folsom Prison Blues.”]

Nick:
“I see a train a-comin’,
Comin’ round the beeeeeennd,
I ain’t seen no sunshine
Since I don’t know when,
Well, I’m stuck in…”

[He sticks the mike in Leslie’s face.]

Leslie: Gainesville.

Nick:
“Gainesville Prisonnnn,
And time keeps draaaaggin’ ooo-ooonn,
But that train keeps a-rollinnn’
On down to Orrrrr-land-oooooooo.”

[He turns around and once again jerks his thumb at the map on his back.]

Nick: [laughs over applause] Thank you. Hey – free drink for this lady on Nick Rails, please, would ya? [turns to bartender] Make it one of your orange blossoms, would ya? It’s a special drink invented by our bartender, Jamarro–could we have a hand for him? Jamarro?

[passengers clap]

Nick: You know… J, the first place I go down in… Orlando is Disney World, because… it’s always new, it’s always exciting–it’s always alive. What do you do? [turns mike to him]

Jamarro: [twisting open a small liquor bottle] I like to get a shoe shine, a haircut, take out my jet-ski, and cruise the beaches for young–some young white girls.

[laughter]

Nick: [walking away] You know, I never know whether he’s kidding or not! [giggles] Hey, here’s a nice couple! Who are you folks?

[He bends down at another table and puts the mike into the woman’s face.]

Woman: [in a nasal voice] Uh, the Sulfreys.

Man: [in a heavy New York accent] The Sulfreys, yeah.

Woman: Elaine Sulfrey.

Man: Uh, Bill Sulfrey, from New London, Connecticut.

[laughter]

Nick: And you’re going down to visit relatives.

Elaine: My mother.

Nick: [coyly] I had a feeling…

Elaine: [pulls microphone toward her] She just got a new pacemaker.

Bill: We wanna spend another one of our vacations in Florida, driving her mother around, but… we want our children to do the same for us, so… [shrugs]

Nick: What kind of car do you have?

Elaine: Oh, we have a new Mercedes, and he’s gonna teach me to drive. [pats Bill’s arm]

Bill: It’s a 450 SL, cream-colored.

Elaine: It’s eggshell, for cryin’ out loud.

Bill: Eggshell, eggshell.

Nick: You know, I am fascinated by how many Jews drive German cars. [laughter] I used to have a Volkswagen… I saw “Holocaust”… I walked out to my bug the next morning, and I threw up all over it. [laughter] I had to get rid of it–and I’m not even Jewish. [stands up] But that is one of the great things about the auto train, what happens here. It d–here, listen to this, see if this makes sense to anybody.

[He throws back his head, rolls up his eyes, and then starts back in.]

Nick: After I finish the show, I go back to the first Vista Cruiser, behind the automobile car… and I sit there, and I look down on the cars, eighteen to a flatcar… and it HITS me. No car is treated any better than any other car on the auto train. No car is BETTER than any other car on the auto train. Same goes for all of us. When I get off this train… I might find out that… this guy… that I met… drives a Pacer. And I drive a Monarch. But I don’t CARE. At all. That’s what happens on this train, it does something…

[piano music rises]

Nick:
“Don’t go changinnnn’,
To try to PLEASE meeeee…
You never let Nick Rails down before.
You’ll always have myyyyyyyy…
Unspoken pleasuuuurrrrrrre…
I love you just the wa-ay you aaaaaaaaaaaa-a-a-aaaaaarrrrrrrre,
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaare, ar-ar-ar-ar-aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrre…”

[piano music nears climax]

Nick:
“Whoooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,
Whoa-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAA,
Hoa-o-oooooooooooaaaaa!!!!!”

[applause]

Nick: [bowing] Thank you. We’re gonna be in Orlando in nine hours!

[The Army doctor and several others jump to their feet and dash out of the car.]

Nick: Thanks, I hope you enjoyed yourselves. Thank you, so much. The bar’s not closed–I hope you enjoyed yourselves.

[FADE to a wide shot of the studio and PAN back to show the clapping audience and standing crew members. SUPERIMPOSE, “coming up next… Evelyn Wood Speedtaking Course.” FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 11

78k: Cicely Tyson / Talking Heads

Cicely Tyson’s Monologue

…..Cicely Tyson
…..Garrett Morris

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Cicely Tyson!!

[FADE to the stage door as it opens to reveal Garrett Morris wearing an all-white dress with a sequinned shawl over his head and a brown purse slung over his left shoulder. He almost trips on his high heels while dismounting the steps, but manages a careful walk to home base as the audience cheers in approval and the band plays behind him. He grins broadly as the theme dies away.]

Garrett as Cicely: [mimicking a woman’s voice] Thank you! [laughter and applause] Now… thank you! Thank you! You know, as an award-winning black actress, I get to hear a lot of hilarious anecdotes, you know. So when the “Saturday Night Live,” uh, staff called me to do the show, naturally, I said to myself, I said, “Cicely…” [laughter] I said… I said, “What a…”

[Crowd roars with approval as Cicely Tyson walks up from the front row to join Garrett onstage. They stand side by side as the audience cheers for a long moment.]

Cicely: EXCUSE me, Garrett, but would you MIND telling me WHAT you are doing?

Garrett: Hey, I, I don’t believe it. Uhhh… you’re really here.

Cicely: Of COURSE I’m here! I’ve been in my dressing room… I mean, waiting for somebody to come and get me… what’re you DOING here? I mean, WHAT are you DOING here?!

Garrett: Well, you know, when I heard about–

Cicely: I mean, this is my spot!!

Garrett: When I heard them talk about, you know, Cicely TYSON, you know, on the show, I didn’t think they’d actually GET you! [laughter] I just assumed it was a part for ME, you know. [laughter] I do, I do a good Cicely Tyson, honey.

Cicely: Garrett, would you tell me WHY you have my clothes on? What’re you doing with my clothes on?!

Garrett: Look, look, let me explain something, now. I was hired by this show, Cicely, under the terms of the Token Minority Window-Dressing Act of 1978! [laughter] NOW: my contract–dig this contract, will you… [takes a folded sheaf of paper from his purse] …CLEARLY states, my contract clearly– [rummages through papers] –wait a minute, oh, right here–CLEARLY states that, “in addition to services described above”–see right there?–“Performer agrees that he will play all parts darker than Tony Orlando.” [laughter and applause] Now, the way I read it, that mean ALL parts!

Cicely: Ah, so you are playing a lot of women roles, is that it?

Garrett: Yeah, I’ve done Tina Turner, I’ve done Leon Spinks’ mother, I’ve done a lot of maids, honey, and oh! Do you remember the Coretta King MUD wrestling, uh, piece?

Cicely: No, no, no, I do not.

Garrett: No, no, that was ME! That was me, sister!

Cicely: Garrett, what is happening to you?

Garrett: Huh?

Cicely: I mean, look at what you’re doing! When we worked together at the Black Resentment Drama Workshop in the 1960’s, I expected something really very big from you! I mean, the RANGE you showed, your talent, your voice… Remember when Lee Strasberg stopped by to watch us do the improvs? I mean, you were the ONLY one that he remembered! God knows, I hope he’s not watching the show tonight! I mean, w-where’s your integrity? What HAPPENED to it?!

Garrett: [barely audibble] Well, uh…

Cicely: I mean, you have TALENT, and you are just throwing it away! Don’t you know you have a responsibility as a black actor to perfect your craft? And you are here on this stage, in front of all these people on television, acting like a clown. What’re you DOING it for?! [pauses] Money?!

Garrett: Well, it doesn’t look bad on my rèsumè, y’know. [laughter] AND I get to keep the dresses! [cackles]

Cicely: [pats his shoulder] Listen, listen dear, we’re gonna talk about this later. [to camera] We’ll be right back!

[Crowd roars and applauds as Cicely turns on a brilliant smile and hooks her arms around Garrett’s waist. FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts