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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 11

77k: Robert Klein / Bonnie Raitt

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan Aykroyd

…..Jane Curtin
…..Dan Aykroyd
Roseanne Roseannadanna…..Gilda Radner

[ teaser ]

Jane Curtin: Coming up: Seattle Slew may never run again. That and other stories on “Weekend Update”, next.

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update”news team. Brought to you by Dimital, turns your mind into a donut shop. Here are co-anchorpersons Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin.

Dan Aykroyd: Good evening. I am Dan Aykroyd.

Jane Curtin: And I’m Jane Curtin. Our top story tonight:

Those two old hustlers, Bert Lance and Larry Flynt, got together this week and formed a business partnership. Utilizing their respective skills, they plan to open a gang bank.

Well, that Russian satellite filled with 100 pounds of highly radioactive Uranium-235 has finally turned up in, of all places, a Nova Scotia lobster bed. Scientists say that the radioactivity has had no significant effects on marine life, except that the lobsters are now as large as helicopters and you can read in the dark with a mackeral.

Because of a steering defect, General Motors is recalling some 1960 Cadillac models, one of which belongs to Pope Paul. While the Pontiff could not be reached for comment, it’s reported he’s not concerned because his Cadillac is usually carried on the shoulders of Vatican aides, anyway.

Dan Aykroyd: Television personality Tom Snyder was lynched yesterday, by an active studio audience. A spokesperson for the mob said they did it for no particular reason, they just didn’t like Snyder’s attitude.

And, also in Hollywood, Sonny and Cher are denying rumors that they will marry again, following Cher’s divorce from Gregg Allman.

This just in from the Middle East: P.L.O. leader Yassar Arafat said today that the P.L.O. will recognize and fully support Israel’s right to make more concessions.

[ the next joke also belongs to Dan, yet the camera switches to Jane, who smiles with delight at the error ]

Dan Aykroyd V/O: New evidence uncovered at Pasadena’s CalTech Institute has shown that Albert Einstein was wrong. [ the camera now cuts back to Dan ] Dr. Frank Kelgore, of the nuclear physics wing of the Havar-Marr Adams Center, claims that the equation E=mc2 should be changed to E+E=mc-2 over v — that’s “v” for volume — 2 K. [ on the monitor, the equation is drawn on a chalkboard ] What this formula means is that atom nuclei are compacting at a rate too fast for our universe, and, in fifteen weeks, we can expect the end of time and space and matter, as we know it. [ the hand finally draws a frowny face ] Sorry, Albert.

While admitting that the swastika symbol is abhorrant to Jewish citizens, the Illinois Supreme Court yesterday ruled that the American Nazi Party has a constitutional right to display the swastika in a parade down the largely Jewish suburb of Skokie, Illinois. “Weekend Update”, in the interest of fair and impartial journalism, would like to remain neutral on this matter — and if any American Nazi members would like to come to our newsroom, we’ll gladly bend each and every one of them in the shape of a swastika, free of charge.

[ the camera cuts to a tight shot of Jane, who appears to be waiting for an angle that includes the news monitor. She jumbles her papers until such an angle is granted. ]

Jane Curtin: The late Casey Stengal — [ she jumbles her papers again, as the angle returns to a tight shot ] Was it worth it? [ she jumbles her papers some more ] We’ll just sit here and have a conversation until our — our Science Editor, Roseanne Roseannadanna, comes into place.

[ monitor shot shows two men surrounded by trees ]

Roseanne Roseannadanna V/O: Sorry!

Jane Curtin: Now that Roseanne Roseannadanna is in place, we’ll continue with Roseanne Roseannadanna… instead of doing the other stuff. It wasn’t funny, anyway!

Former Attorney General John Mitchell was reported in satisfactory condition this week after surgery to repair an aneurism. Here to explain to us exactly what an aneurism is, is “Update” Science Reporter Roseanne Roseannadanna. Welcome. Roseanne, just how serious is an aneurism?

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Oh, it’s a rough one, Jane! Ananeurism means that an artery in your body is weak, and it starts to swell out like a balloon. It could burst and lead to a stroke. But, Jane, if you ask me, Roseanne Roseannadanna.. Mr. Mitchell is a lucky guy. Because his aneurism is on the inside of his body where no one can see it. [ Jane starts to look worried ] If it was on the outside, then he’d be in trouble! He’d look in the mirror before a dinner meeting and go, “Oh, no! Tonight’s the big dance, and I’ve got an aneurism on my face! I can’t go out like this!” Let me let you in on a little secret – once, I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, had a little wart on my face. It was like this little bubble thing, and it was round and it was hard as a rock. I thought that I was gonna die! I said to myself, “Roseanne Roseannandanna, how did you get this wart? You didn’t touch no toad! But at least, thank God, it wasn’t the kind that had a hair sticking out of it. You know the ones that your mother’s friends usually have, and you have to kiss them? Like, did you ever stub your big toe on the car, or drop someting heavy on your foot, and the toenail on the big toe turns different colors like purple and brown and green, and then ithangs there and falls off in your sock? And you’re left with a toe with no nail, and a sock that has a nail. What about little teeny-tiny baby toes? They are always so weird! Like, sometimes the nail on them looks like a canoe! Or, like it curves around like one of those boomerangs.. and then, if you clip it, you can’t throw it away, because it comes back! [ turns to Jane ] Jane, I was just wondering – what does your baby toe look like?

Jane Curtin: Roseanne, you’re making me sick..

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Hey, what’s your problem?

Jane Curtin: What do warts, fever blisters, and anythinghave to do with aneurisms?!

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane, it just goes to show youit’s always something. I want to tell Mr. Mitchell: I don’t care what your politics is, I know your wife is dead, I know you’re gonna go back to jail.. so I’ll leave you alone. It’s just like my father used to tell me when I was a little girl. I’d take my bath, and he’d make sure I was nice and dry, he’d put powder under my arms and every place.. and just before he’d tuck me into bed, he’d take my foot in his hand and he’d say, “This little piggy went to market; this little piggy stayed home; [ Jane mimicks her ] ..this little piggy had roast beef; this little piggy had none; and this little piggy has a toenail that looks like a boomerang! Good night, my little Roseanne Roseannadanna!

Jane Curtin: [ relieved ] Good night, Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Hey, you wanna have dinner?

Jane Curtin: No! [ to the audience quickly ] That’s the news.Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Announcer: This portion of “Weekend Update” has been broughtto you by TransAmeriCo, where salad dressing and women’s sanitary napkins are the only things we put our name on.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 11

77k: Robert Klein / Bonnie Raitt

Barbara & Rhonda on Dope

Rhonda Weiss…..Gilda Radner
Barbara…..Jane Curtin
…..Bob Van Ry
…..John Belushi

[ open on Rhonda Weiss and her friend Barbara sitting at the coffee table smoking joints in her apartment ]

Rhonda Weiss: No kidding, Barbara — I am SO out of it! This is really great stuff!

Barbara: I know! I am completely WRECKED!

Rhonda Weiss: Of course, when I get like this, we are talking Paranoid City. I mean, I am the original Space Cadet– Beam me down, Captain Kirk!

Barbara: Well, you seem fine now.

Rhonda Weiss: Wait!

Barbara: [ glancing across the room ] Rhon, do you know what I just realized? That stain on my rug looks just like a horse laughing.

Rhonda Weiss: [ staring intensely at Barbara ] You know… I can see myself in your glasses, and I can see myself seeing myself in your glasses.

Barbara: Try not to look.

Rhonda Weiss: The harder I try, the more I keep doing it to torture myself.

Barbara: You want I should put on my contacts?

Rhonda Weiss: No. Then I’ll start seeing myself in your contacts, and I’ll start seeing myself seeing myself in your contacts. And then I’ll start seeing your contacts moving around in your eyes, and then I’ll start seeing myself moving around in your eyes. And then I’ll start blinking. Only then I’ll be thinking about it. So I’ll start blinking a whole lot of extra times, and worrying! You can break out just by worrying and thinking and —

Barbara: Hey, look! I’m sorry I mentioned it, okay!

Rhonda Weiss: Now all I can think about is that you said “I’m sorry I mentioned it.” I can’t get it out of my mind.

Barbara: Alright, alright, alright! Once, something like this happened to me, and the way I got out of it was by trying to imagine the ideal wallet, keycase, and cigarette holder set.

Rhonda Weiss: That’s a great idea! [ staring into the distance ] The ideal wallet, keycase, and cigarette holder set. [ her mind drifts ] It keeps coming out in VINYL!

Barbara: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay! Rhonda! Let’s go through your wedding album, okay?

Rhonda Weiss: Alright.

Barbara: First, there’s the picture of you… then there’s the picture of you, your mother, and your father… and then the picture of you and Barry —

Rhonda Weiss: Skip the page!

Barbara: Rhonda, let’s change the subject.

Rhonda Weiss: Alright. You know… the last time that this kind of thing happened to me, it was right before I went to bed. [ she sits up on the couch ] And all I could think was: “Who’s gonna know if I’m breathing after I fall asleep?” I mean, Barry’s asleep! He’s not gonna know if I’m breathing or not! So I stayed up the ENTIRE NIGHT to be sure that I was still breathing! I didn’t fall asleep ’til six a.m., and ONLY by giving all the Chenille balls on my bedspread names!

Barbara: [ sitting up on the couch ] I know exactly what you mean! You know what happened to me once?

Rhonda Weiss: What?

Barbara: Well — did you ever get afraid that you couldn’t swallow so you keep swallowing to make sure that you still can? And then your mouth get so dried that you actually can’t swallow?

Rhonda Weiss: No. I’ve never experienced that. But I’m going to start now!

[ both women begin practicing their swallowing, as Barbara looks around the room ]

Barbara: Rhonda? Rhonda?

Rhonda Weiss: What?

Barbara: Nothing.

Rhonda Weiss: No, really — what?

Barbara: I told you! NOTHING!!

[ they keep practicing their swallowing, about to turn blue in the face ]

Rhonda Weiss: WHAT?!!

Barbara: [ frantic ] LISTEN!! DID YOU JUST HEAR A BLACK MAN COME IN HERE AND STEAL ALL YOUR JEWELRY?!!

Rhonda Weiss: [ listening carefully ] YES!! I DID!! Look —

[ suddenly, a strange screeching fills the room ]

Rhonda Weiss: Look, uh — why don’t we go get a bag of Milano cookies, and that way, when Barry gets home, we’ll be able to not look sto–

[ the screeching continues ]

Gilda Radner: Jane? What’s that noise?

[ Jane shakes her head unknowingly ]

Gilda Radner: [ looking off-camera ] Van Ry? What is that noise?

[ stage manager Bob Van Ry steps into frame ]

Bob Van Ry: Hey, we’re running late. Just try to finish the scene. I don’t know what it is. Just —

Jane Curtin: How do you expect us to be heard over that? [ looking in the opposite direction ] Belushi, do you know what that is?

[ John Belushi, dressed in Bee costume, enters the set ]

John Belushi: I don’t know, I — [ the audience erupts into applause ] Well, I can tell you one thing: It’s not the Concorde.

Gilda Radner: Lorne? Lorne?

John Belushi: Will somebody out there find Lorne?!

Jane Curtin: What IS that noise?!

John Belushi: It’s strange… I could’ve sworn it sounds like the roar of a giant lobster.

[ Gilda removes her Rhonda Weiss glasses ]

Gilda Radner: Giant lobster?!

John Belushi: Yeah! They’re like giant spiders, only more intelligent. It sounds like they’re outside the building somewhere… right here… outside…

[ they all look about the studio apprehensively ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 11

77k: Robert Klein / Bonnie Raitt

Olympia Cafe

Female Customer…..Jane Curtin
Male Customer…..Garrett Morris
Pete Dionasopolis…..John Belushi
George Dionasopolis…..Dan Aykroyd
Sandy Dionasopolis…..Laraine Newman
Nico Dionasopolis…..Bill Murray
Female Customer #2…..Gilda Radner
Male Customer #2…..Robert Klein

Female Customer: I’ll have a tuna salad sandwich, and an order of French fries, please.

Pete Dionasopolis: No. No tuna.

Female Customer: You’re out of tuna?

Pete Dionasopolis: No tuna. Cheeseburger? Come on, come on, come on! I don’t have all day, we gotta have turnover, turnover. [ turns to Male Customer ] What are you gonna have?

Male Customer: Uh.. I think I’ll have grilled cheese and a Coke.

Pete Dionasopolis: Uh.. [ turns to kitchen ] Grilled cheese?

George Dionasopolis: No grilled cheese.

Male Customer: No grilled cheese.

Male Customer: Uh.. cheeseburger and a Coke.

Pete Dionasopolis: Uh, no Coke – Pepsi.

Male Customer: Okay, uh.. Pepsi, and french fries.

Pete Dionasopolis: No fries – chips.

Male Customer: Okay, chips.

Pete Dionasopolis: [ to kitchen ] One cheeseburger, one Pepsi,one chip!

George Dionasopolis: Cheeseburger!

Nico Dionasopolis: Pepsi! Chip! [ throws them onto the counter ]

Pete Dionasopolis: [ to Female Customer ] What do you want?

Female Customer: I’ll have a cheeseburger and a small Coke.

Pete Dionasopolis: Uh.. no Coke – Pepsi.

Female Customer: Pepsi.

Pete Dionasopolis: [ to kitchen ] One cheeseburger, one Pepsi!

George Dionasopolis: Cheeseburger!

Sandy Dionasopolis: [ approaches counter with order ] Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, four Pepsi, chip.

George Dionasopolis: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

Female Customer #2: [ sits down at counter ] Hi ya, Pete. I’ll have the usual.

Pete Dionasopolis: [ to kitchen ] Cheeseburger!

George Dionasopolis: Cheeseburger!

Female Customer #2: Hey, I get mixed up. Is he your brother? [ points to Nico ]

Pete Dionasopolis: Him? No. My brother, Mike, he’s in the back. George, he’s my first cousin, but I treat him like a brother. Sandy, she’s my second cousin, but I treat her like a first cousin. Him.. [ points to Nico ] ..he’s my third cousin, but I treat him like a fourth cousin, because he’s vlahos. You know what that means? Stupid. [ phone rings, so Pete picks it up ] Hello, Olympia Restaurant. That to go? Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger.. No, no fries – chips. Four chips? Pepsi? No Coke. No orange. No grape. Pepsi. Four Pepsi! Okay, ten minutes.

Male Customer #2: [ sitting down, spots Nico and makes his order ] I’ll have a couple of eggs, and sausage – is that link sausage or patty? [ Nico nods ] Link? [ Nico nods ] Link? [ Nico nods ] Uh, link sausage, a large orange juice, and coffee.

Nico Dionasopolis: Cheeseburger?

Male Customer #2: No, I don’t want a cheeseburger. Eggs, couple of eggs.. [ Nico nods ] ..eggs.. [ Nico nods ] Do you speak English? [ Nico nods ] Eggs, couple of eggs, over lightly, with sausage.. cafe.. cafe..

Pete Dionasopolis: [ interrupting ] No, no, no, no, no eggs – cheeseburger!

Male Customer #2: When do you stop serving breakfast?

Pete Dionasopolis: Now. No breakfast.

Male Customer #2: No breakfast?

Pete Dionasopolis: Nope.

Male Customer #2: I just want a couple of eggs.

Pete Dionasopolis: No breakfast! Cheeseburger!

Male Customer #2: Shut up! I don’t want a cheeseburger!

Pete Dionasopolis: Come on, come on, come on – don’t give me that. Come on, let’s go, let’s go, we gotta have turnover! You want a cheeseburger? Everybody got a cheeseburger, you want a cheeseburger? Come on – cheeseburger?

Male Customer #2: I don’t want a cheeseburger! I just got up, it’s too early for a cheeseburger!

Pete Dionasopolis: Too early for cheeseburger? Look – [ points around to his customers ] cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger.

[ as Pete says “cheeseburger”, George throws cheeseburgers on the grill ]

Pete Dionasopolis: What do you want? What are you gonna have?

Male Customer #2: I’ll have a cheeseburger.

Pete Dionasopolis: [ to the kitchen ] One cheeseburger.

Male Customer #2: No more cheeseburger.

Pete Dionasopolis: [ to customer ] No more cheeseburger.

Male Customer #2: I’ll have a hamburger then.

Pete Dionasopolis: [ to the kitchen ] Hamburger.

Male Customer #2: No more hamburger.

Pete Dionasopolis: No hamburger. No cheeseburger, no hamburger, no burger.

Male Customer #2: How about a couple of eggs, then?

Pete Dionasopolis: [ to the kitchen ] Eggs.

Male Customer #2: Over lightly?

Pete Dionasopolis: Scrambled.

Male Customer #2: Alright, scrambled.

Pete Dionasopolis: And what to drink?

Male Customer #2: Coke.

Pete Dionasopolis: No Coke – Pepsi.

Male Customer #2: Alright. Pepsi.

Pete Dionasopolis: [ to the kitchen ] One Pepsi! [ smacks Nico with a menu ] Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi!

Nico Dionasopolis: Pepsi!

[ pull out to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Russian Flu Groupies” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 11

77k: Robert Klein / Bonnie Raitt

Nick at The Powder Room

Nick “Winters”…..Bill Murray
Marilyn…..Gilda Radner
Paul…..John Belushi
Heinz Kleimer…..Robert Klein
Mrs. Lyman…..Laraine Newman
Jimmy “Joe Red” Sky…..Dan Aykroyd
Paul the Pianist…..Paul Shaffer

[ open on Nick “Winters” singing the theme from “2001: A Space Odyssey” in the Powder Room at Meatloaf Mountain ]

Nick “Winters”: [ amidst his light applause ] Thank you very much! I always open with a little something by a guy named Ricard Strauss called “Twenty-oh-One”. Welcome to the Powder Room, everybody, up here at beautiful Meatloaf Mountain. I’m Nick “Winters”, and I’m here to entertain you, so sit back, have a hot-buttered rum, and let it happen. [ looks at the first table ] Now, what do I see down here in the front? We’ve got a cute little girl here with a cast on her leg! [ kneels down in front of her ] Honey, why did you bother to come up to Meatloaf with a broken leg?!

Marilyn: I.. I broke it today. This is my vacation.

Nick “Winters”: Oh, that’s terrible.. I guess we’ll be seeing alot of you here in the Powder Room, huh? I’m sure everybody wants to know: What’s your name, and how did you do it?

Marilyn: Well.. um.. I’m Marilyn Sunberg, and I rented my skis and boots here at Meatloaf Mountain.. and my binders were too tight, and I broke my leg walking over to the toe lift.

Nick “Winters”: Oh-h-h.. Bummer-ski, huh, everybody? That is awful! Well, the guys in rental are really good. It must have been some sabotage of some sort by disgruntled skiiers, or something – it happens! [ grabs a pencil ] Hey! I am gonna autograph your cast here, if you don’t mind.. something that I always sign. [ signs the cast ] “Don’t Eat Yellow Snow – Nick Winters.” Alright, honey? You’re welcome, kitten. Hey, who’s this crazy dude – your old man?

Paul: Uh.. Paul Sunburg. I’m from.. uh.. Minneapolis.

Nick “Winters”: Uh-huh? And what do you do, besides babysit forMarilyn, here?

Paul: I’m a Chemical Purchaser for the Ice Masters salt company.Here’s my card.. uh.. you can use the product here at Meatloaf Mountain, you know..?

Nick “Winters”: [ taking the card ] Bueno, my amigo. We’ll put this up over the bar, with some of the other cards. [ stands up ] Mr. and Mrs. Sunberg, this next song is going to be for you, because I hope that leg heals and you’re back on the slope in a couple of weeks. Oh, that cast makes me sad.. [ singing ] “Ohhh, don’t it make my brown eyes.. don’t it make my brown eyes.. don’t it make my brown eyes blue-ue-ue-ue..” You know, actually they’re hazel! [ singing ] “Don’t it make my brown eyes.. don’t it make my brown eyes blue-ue-ue!” [ glances across the room ] Just a second.. we have a celebrity in the audience tonight! It’s Heinz Kleimer.. with a snowbunny, obviously.. he’s the head of the Ski Patrol. Up to a little bit of night hotdogging tonight, Heinz? [ laughs ]

Heinz Kleimer: Not particularly. I just came to cash mypaycheck.

Nick “Winters”: You know, at 9:30 tonight, Heinz will lead the ski school and home patrol in the Torch Snake Dance, all the way down in Bear Run. Let’s see if he’s in any kind of position to pull it off. Tell me, Heinz, where did the Snake Torch Dance originate?

Heinz Kleimer: As a matter of fact, Nick, the Snake Torch originated in Zurmont, Switzerland during the World War, as a signal to allied bombers.

Nick “Winters”: A little bit of history, everybody. Is that true?

Heinz Kleimer: No. I just said that because you will believeanything, and you are a pimp! And if you don’t leave me alone, I shall strike you!

Nick “Winters”: Okay. And who is this pretty snowmuffin with you, Heinz? [ holds the microphone in front of her, as she mumbles something ] Excuse me, what? [ she mumbles again ] I’m sorry.. can you say it one more time?

Mrs. Lyman: Mrs. Lyman!

Nick “Winters”: Oh! Mrs. Lyman. Oh, I see.. are you still married, Mrs. Lyman?

Mrs. Lyman: Yes. My husband is exhausted, and I don’t ski.

Nick “Winters”: I see.. Well, you’ll make friends with Heinz here, he’ll give you a couple of free lessons and have you up on the boards in no time. Mrs. Lyman, how about a request?

Mrs. Lyman: [ covering her face ] No!

Nick “Winters”: Well, there are never any requests, I guess.. because there’s only one way everybody wants it, and that’s with plenty of snow! [ singing ] “Awww.. that’s the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it..” Six inches of powder! [ singing ] “That’s the way..” With a 50-inch base! [ singing ] “..I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh! Oh, that’s the way we all like it!” [ a sound is heard outside ] Uh-oh, wait a second. You hear what I hear? It’s the Snowcat. The Meatloaf Mountain Snowcat, owned and operated by our own Jimmy “Joe Red” Sky, the guy who manages all the slopes and runs the snowguns and makes sure none of you dudes hit any rocks out there. He comes in every night about this time to give us the snow report – let’s give him a warm welcome! Come on! Jimmy “Joe Red” Sky!

Jimmy “Joe Red” Sky: [ enters the room to applause ] Hello, Nick! Look what I got here! [ holds up a frozen porcupine ]

Nick “Winters”: [ excited ] Whoa-oa! What is that?!

Jimmy “Joe Red” Sky: It’s a porcupine! I was going down Bear Run, doing about 50 in the Snowcat, and he ran right out in front of me, he froze! I hit him with the snow pocker, he’s frozen up solid now. But, you know, you can make a good soup on the quills, you know?

Nick “Winters”: Well, how are the snow conditions for tomorrow? You know, one good thing about Indians is that they always know when it’s going to snow, and I love that! It’s terrific! What do you think about tomorrow?

Jimmy “Joe Red” Sky: Well, my nose says it’s gonna snow tomorrow. You see the veins sticking out? I guess you’ll get about 3 to 6 inches – I know, because I’m gonna be out there making it with my Snowguns. I need a drink! [ walks to the bar ]

Nick “Winters”: Okay, and this one’s on Nick “Winters”, if you would, Herbert.. thank you. Well, great, there you have it.. hey, everybody, snow tomorrow.. but let’s think powder and lots of it, please? Who’s a powder animal? [ hands are raised ] Everybody! Alright, Pauly, you ready to play a little bit of music?

Paul the Pianist: No?

Nick “Winters”: Hey, wait a minute! This is the Nick “Winters” show, and I do the entertaining, thank you! Let’s go out with something really hot for these folks, alright? A big hit on the ’77. [ singing ] “Ah.. Star Wars! Nothing but Star Wars! Gimme those Star Wars.. don’t let them end! Ah.. Star Wars! If they should bar wars.. please let these Star Wars stay-ay! And, hey! How about that nutty Star Wars bar? Can you forget all those creatures in there? And, hey! Darth Vader in that black and evil mask – did he scare you as much as he scared me-e-e-e?” [ turns and screams when he finds Paul the Pianist wearing a Darth Vader mask ] My seventh winter up here! [ singing ] “Star Wars-s-s-s!”

[ the crowd applauds as the camera zooms into the audience, stops at hairy man with SUPER: “Unemployed Snowman” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 11

77k: Robert Klein / Bonnie Raitt

Bonnie Raitt & Robert Klein perform “Give It Up or Let Me Go”

…..Bonnie Raitt
…..Robert Klein

Robert Klein: Ladies and gentlemen — once again, Bonnie Raitt!

[ Klein appears in Raitt’s band playing harmonica ]

Bonnie Raitt: [ singing ]
“Well, I told you, pretty baby, such a long time ago
If I found you with another, gonna walk right out the door
You might think I’m crazy, one thing you’ve got to know
But if you want me to love you
You got to give it up or let me go.

I know it’s useless to be jealous, I couldn’t tire you if I tried
Thinking of you messing behind my back
It brings a pain I can’t hide.
And if I can make that sacrifice, you can damn well make it, too.

Well, you come home drunk and nasty, you don’t tell me where you’ve been
Just when things are going nice and sweet, you slip on out again.
Well, baby, why do you have to mess up a good thing?
I’ll have to find myself another man, one that can blow anything.”

[ piano solo ]

[ SCROLL: “NBC Special Report — Hordes of atomically mutated lobsters are descending upon the New York area… Combined military forces unable to halt their advance… Death toll estimated in the millions …More details as they occur …” ]

Bonnie Raitt: [ singing ]
“But I told you, baby, a long time ago
If I caught you with another, I’m out your door.
One thing you got to know
Honey, if you want me to love you
Give it up or let me go.

Give it up, sucker!”

Happy Birthday, Dad!

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 11

77k: Robert Klein / Bonnie Raitt

Rock Concert

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Don Kirshner…..Paul Shaffer
Tina Turner…..Garrrett Morris
Mr. Mike…..Michael O’Donoghue
Mikettes…..Gilda Radner, Jane Curtin, Laraine Newman

Announcer: “Charlie’s Angels Catch The Syph” will not be seen tonight, so NBC can present this special program.

[ open on Don Kirshner sitting in his chair above the studio ]

Don Kirshner: I’m Don Kirshner, and welcome to “Rock Concert.” Tonight we have a group that’s been at the forefront of the R&B/Rythym and Blues scene for a long time. Today, with the help of Dean Lusten, Mo Anthony, and the staff of Celectric Records, their manager Morie Daniels, and the whole rock division of the promotion department of ICM, they continue to be as strong a creative force as ever. Let us join Tina Turner, Mr. Mike and the Mikettes, for the “Mr. Mike and Tina Turner Review.”

[ dissolve to Tina Turner on stage below ]

Tina Turner: Every now and then, we like to do something nice.. and easy. Only there’s just one thing: we never do anything nice.. and easy. We only do it nice.. and rough. We’re gonna go over turn to this song by Mr. Mike, “Nice.. And Easy” and we’re gonna finish.. rough. This is how we do “Proud Mary.”

Mikettes and Tina: [ singing ]
“Do do do do do do
do do do do do do..”

Mr. Mike: [ sitting on stool with guitar ] This is the story. This rabbit works at a factory. All of the other rabbits have had their ears amputated so they won’t get caught in the machinery. But this one rabbit’s really vain, and doesn’t want his ears amputated. So he’s working on the line, and he gets his ears caught in a big wheel.

Mikettes and Tina: [ singing ]
“Big wheel keep on turning
All night!”

Mr. Mike: By the time they pulled him out of the wheel, he looked like tomato bisque. Tina?

Tina Turner: That’s wasn’t a very nice story, Mr. Mike.

Mr. Mike: I’m not a very nice guy, Tina.

Tina Turner: You see, every time I try to do something nice.. and easy, Mr. Mike makes me do it.. rough. See, we can never ever do nothing nice.. and easy. We always do it.. rough!

[ singing ]
“Let’s have a good time in the city Working for the man every night and day I have never lost one pretty instant Worried ’bout the man taking that away!”

Mikettes and Tina:
“‘Cause the big wheel keep on turnin’
For miles, we’re gonna keep on burnin’!”

Tina Turner:
“Roll it!”

Mikettes:
“Roll it!”

Tina Turner:
“Roll it!”

Mikettes:
“Roll it!
Roll it down the river!”

Tina Turner:
“Roll it!”

Mikettes:
“Roll it!”

Tina Turner:
“Roll it!”

Mikettes:
“Roll it!
Roll it down the river!”

Mikettes and Tina:
“Ooo ooo ooo ooo
Ooo ooo ooo ooo!”

Tina Turner:
“If you come down to the river
Bet ya gonna find some people who live
You don’t have to worry
If ya have the money
You’ll find the people there are happy to give!”

Mikettes and Tina:
“‘Cause the big wheel keep on turnin’
For miles, we’re gonna keep on burnin’!”

Tina Turner:
“Roll it!”

Mikettes:
“Roll it!”

Tina Turner:
“Roll it!”

Mikettes:
“Roll it!
Roll it down the river!”

Tina Turner:
“Roll it!”

Mikettes:
“Roll it!”

Tina Turner:
“Roll it!”

Mikettes:
“Roll it!
Roll it down the river!”

Tina Turner:
“Roll it!”

Mikettes:
“Roll it!”

Tina Turner:
“Roll it!”

Mikettes:
“Roll it!
Roll it down the river!”

Tina Turner:
“Roll it!”

Mikettes:
“Roll it!”

Tina Turner:
“Roll it!”

Mikettes:
“Roll it!
Roll it down the river!”

Tina:
Aaaaahhhh!!!

[ a triumphant finish, as the camera dissolves back to Don Kirshner in the booth above ]

Don Kirshner: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 11

77k: Robert Klein / Bonnie Raitt

Robert Klein’s Monologue

…Robert Klein

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, Robert Klein!

[Applause. Robert Klein walks down the stairs to home base]

Robert Klein: Thank you. Welcome to our show. This is – You know, it’s been a little bit of time since I’ve done the show last, and…it was so disorganized. I did one of the first ones and no one knew what they were doing, and you can decide for yourself tonight after this many shows. Wonderful to be back and be at home in my hometown, and not be, uh… [applause] I don’t mind side-stepping the dog doody everywhere I walk. It’s fun. “Sorry, be right with you.” Some of you know – I play a lot of college concerts, and, um, it keeps me young, it keeps me collegiate, you know. I went to a small school, a very obscure school named Alfred, and, ah… [laughter and light applause] Good for seven claps at the Saturday Night Live show. Good for about nine claps at Alfred University. Um, I went there because they had a wonderful brochure, uh, with handsome people walking on the campus carrying books [poses like a happy student walking and looking upward] with nice writing underneath it: “Walking on the campus carrying books is a favorite pastime of Alfred students.” Suckered me right in there. Plus, the Lovejoy College Guide said they would accept you if you were in the top 83-percent of your class, which was… [laughter] The brochure was nice. Always students in brochures look up toward the future. [repeats the happy student’s pose] You know, “studying for finals” [poses] “parties.” They never have ones like [puts his hands in his pockets and slouches] “God, I may be pregnant.” Always have ’em [happy student pose] like that. It was a wonderful going to school in a place so rural. It’s a very rural, farm, little community, and this was quite a few years ago. And I got off the train with a couple of suitcases like Holden Caulfield and I see [moos]. S’four years. I get to the dormitory from a bus ride, and they take us into the dormitory and [moos]. “Are-are-are these the dormitories?” “Yes, sir, just shoo ’em away, they’ll go. Cows don’t bother ya none.” And they made fun of the way I spoke: “Hey, New Yohk, tohk, mwohk…” Just what I needed at 17, 16. Of course, they spoke fine: “Hey, my father gave me a dallar to get married in Baffalo and I’m goin’ next week if you wanna…” They called me “Hey, Bab,” for three years I didn’t know who they were talkin’ to. “Hey, Byab-uh,” I didn’t know who “Byab-uh.” But I had to learn and grow. A little thing I encountered there that I really hadn’t encountered before, uh, anti-Semitism. Well, nothing–it was subtle, nothing you could put your finger on. Subtle to be sure: [yelling] “Hey Jewboy! Where you goin’, Jewboy, high holy day?” You know, just what I needed. I wanted to meet the guy next door in the dormitory. He was decorating his room with a swastika mobile. And I remember a brief phone call home to my parents: [sobbing] “Get me outta here!” Something tense with veins bursting, um. But I-I-I, one of the gutsiest things I ever did eventually was play Shylock in The Merchant of Venice in the drama club there. And those of you who remember the old play, Shylock is the old Jew in the Shakespearean play, and no one likes him. He’s not exactly a pussycat, but he certainly is justified, uh, because he’s been wronged. People really treated him badly. And there’s a wonderful scene in the fourth act, you all remember… ah, the, ah, there’ll be a test on this afterwards, by the way. It’s gonna be a multiple choice. [Picks up a cape from the nearly stool] Nah, I’m just kidding. I like an easy multiple choice, one that’s easy like, uh, “Mount Everest, Mount Whitney, Mount McKinley, a raisin.” I like that kind of… [Laughter. Robert puts the cape around his shoulders]Â I like an easy multiple choice. I’m putting on the Shakespearean cape for this scene. Let me repeat it for you: crowded audience of hostile, slightly narrow-minded people up there in that little… It’s a 17-year-old kid trying to play an old man, you put on that quick palsy shake [hands begin shaking] that a bad drama student does to look old in a hurry, you know? I was so conscienscious, though. I put the exact place in my script where I wanted the palsy shake [pretends to write] “Palsy shake!” Probably even [blows] blew the eraser thing, I went [blows] “Palsy shake.” First the usual preliminaries in most Shakespeare: “Forsooth me not. Our sweet Mercutio is dead, that gallant spirit that the clouds too soon didn’t know his fate.” They spit at the first two rows. This wonderful speech of Shakespeare’s where he equates all people–aren’t we all human beings–it’s a wonderful…listen closely. I’m sure you’ll all be repeating it often yourself. Not to mention there will be a test [Slumps down under the cape] “Have not a Jew eyes? Have not a Jew hands, organs, senses, dimensions, affections, [begins the palsy shake] passions?” Palsy shake. “…passions?” A good place for the… “Fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer as a Christian is?” And the audience said “No, Jewboy! Jew-boy! Jew-boy! Jew-boy! Get him!” [Pretends to run away and be chased by people with dogs] “He’s up by the fraternity house! Woof woof woof woof woof!” And I kept on thinking of that damn brochure. I don’t remember any picture of “Being chased by Nazis on the quad.” [Poses like someone running away. Audience applause] Tell ya what. We’ll be right back! [Applause and fade]

Submitted by: John Ravetti

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 11

77k: Robert Klein / Bonnie Raitt

Lobsters Take New York / Goodnights

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

… Robert Klein
Lone Soldier … Bill Murray
Announcer … Don Pardo
Man #1 … Tom Davis
Man #2 … Michael O’Donoghue

[We return from the commercial break to discover, atopa crane, a dead cameraman slumped in his chair, hiscamera pointing uselessly at the floor. The studio isfilled smoke and the unearthly sounds of gigantic butunseen atomic lobsters — roaring, screeching,squealing, buzzing, honking. We pan across themotionless studio audience — they are all dead,sprawled in chairs and on the floor. We pan over tohome base, which is in ruins, dead bodies everywhere.A terrified Robert Klein, microphone in hand,describes the destruction to the hand-held camera.]

Robert Klein: Well, it’s still going on even worsethan before. All around me, the dead! The dying! Oh,the humanity! Our army wiped out!

[Behind Klein, a lone soldier walks through thedebris, shouting incomprehensibly into a bullhorn,saying things like “Evacuate the building!” Thesoldier fires off a few rounds from a .45 pistol.Klein covers his head with his hand as debris rainsdown from above.]

Robert Klein: This may well be mankind’s finalbroadcast. Even as I speak– Good Lord! [A giantlobster claw enters the frame. The soldier retreatsfrom view.] One of the gigantic lobsters hasdemolished our last camera with a single swipe of itshorrible claw! Now it’s moving toward me! It’s fifteenfeet away. Ten! [More gunshots. The claw fills thescreen.] I can see the long, quivering antennae! Theslimy legs! [The hand-held camera slowly sinks to thedebris-filled floor and tilts over.] Its snout andclaws, glistening with human bloo–

[Klein’s voice is cut off in mid-sentence. The screenfills with static but we still hear the eerie soundsof the lobsters until the program’s end. After apause, we also hear the voice of announcer Don Pardo:]

Announcer: Robert Klein! Robert Klein! Do you read me?Well, good-bye, America. Until we meet again, this isDon Pardo saying AAAAAAIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!

[Over the static and lobster roars, we now hear thedisembodied voices of two men:]

Man #1: My God! Pardo’s been eaten by the beast. Isthere no stopping these atomic lobsters?

Man #2: Listen, I have a plan. It sounds crazy but itjust might work. I’ll need boiling water.

Man #1: Boiling water? How much? A couple gallons?

Man #2: No! Millions of gallons! Enough to fill – fillCentral Park Pond. And I’ll need a truckload ofbutter. Make – make that drawn butter.

Man #1: [writes it down] One truckload, drawn butter.Check.

Man #2: And baked potatoes the size of boxcars. Andlobster bibs.

Man #1: Lobster bibs? [The final credits begin toroll.] You mean ordinary lobster bibs?

Man #2: No! Huge lobster bibs, fifteen by twenty feetat least. And nutcrackers!

Man #1: Nut–? You mean regular nutcrackers?

Man #2: No! Not at all. Enormous nutcrackers, at leastten feet long. And lemons the size of golf carts!

Man #1: Check, check. How ’bout some sour cream forthose potatoes?

Man #2: Good point! I’ll need, say, about a moving vanof sour cream. For dessert, a chocolate mousse as bigas a house.

Man #1: Chocolate mousse? Naw, it’s too rich. Much toorich.

Man #2: Well, how ’bout a swimming pool full ofJell-O?

Man #1: Uh, what flavor? I–

Man #2: Any flavor you want. How ’bout, uh, lime withcarrot scrapings?

Man #1: Well, I just had lime, uh, with carrotscrapings for lunch. I suppose I could have somethingelse — it’s an emergency — but, uh…

Man #2: Well, what about raspberry?

Man #1: Well, I’m – I’m allergic to raspberry. How’bout a – how ’bout a pool full of fruit cup?

Man #2: In – Instead of Jell-O?

Man #1: Yeah, yeah.

Man #2: Well, isn’t fruit cup more an appetizer, liketomato juice?

Man #1: No, not necessarily. You can have fruit cupfor dessert.

Man #2: Well, I don’t know. Listen, how would you feelabout a rum raisin cake the size of a tennis court?

Man #1: Well, what kind of icing? [Among the credits:lobster roars by CHEVY CHASE, lobster animationsequence by WILLIAM DePALO and WILLIAM BILOWIT]

Man #2: Any kind, I suppose. Orange marmalade would benice.

Man #1: Well, how ’bout coconut icing? I think that–

Man #2: Wait, you know, coconut really doesn’t go withrum raisin. If you wanted coconut icing, I could havea sponge cake the size of a roller rink…

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 11

77k: Robert Klein / Bonnie Raitt

Giant Lobsters Update

…..Robert Klein
…..Jane curtin

[ open on Robert Klein standing at Home Base ]

Robert Klein: You know, one of the joys of hosting this show is the opportunity to work with a wonderful performer like Bonnie Raitt. Bonnie and I first —

[ suddenly, Jane Curtin runs onto Home Base ]

Jane Curtin: Robert! I’m sorry to interrupt you! Please excuse me, but I’ve just been handed a “Weekend Update” bulletin. It seems those giant lobsters as large as helicopters, that were created by the Russian satellite, are moving down the Eastern seaboard towards New York City. [ reading bulletin: ] “Despite efforts by the National Guard, Boston and Providence have fallen before the huge crustaceans. All conventional weapons have proven useless against them. Minutes ago, President Carter declared a state of national emergency, and assured the American people that there was no cause for…” [ she stops ]

Robert Klein: What, is that all there is?

Jane Curtin: The Teletype machine went dead after that.

[ Jane walks away ]

Robert Klein: Well… if you’re an Orthodox Jew and live here in New York, I wouldn’t worry. Because… lobsters don’t eat Orthodox Jews, either!

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 11

77k: Robert Klein / Bonnie Raitt

Frogs Look at Film

Close Personal Friend of Francois Truffaut…..Laraine Newman
Chester P. Butterworth…..Dan Aykroyd
Veronica Butterworth…..Jane Curtin
Melvin…..Robert Klein
Clyde Hyman……….Garrett Morris
Steven Clavin…..Mitchell Laurance
Irwin Flayman…..Bill Murray

[ open on title card ]

[ dissolve to Close Personal Friend of Francois Truffaut seated in leather chair with a glass of wine in her hand ]

Close Personal Friend of Francois Truffaut: Good evening. I am a close personal friend of Francois Truffaut. [ the description appears on-screen before her ] And welcome to… “Frogs Look at Film”. Hello. Jean-Paul Sartre has called him: “Video Sacre”. Jean Benoit has called him: “La Monsieur Magnifique”. But, to the millions of French men who adore him, he’s known simply as: “Le Moron Stupid”. I am speaking, of course, of Jerry Lewis. Without question, the MIGHTIEST cinematic genius of the 20th Century. It is a great honor to present the classic film… “Les Chef de Dispatch des Rapport Zuzu” — or, as it was released in America: “The Nutty Air Traffic Controller”. I think you’ll agree… this is the creme de la Lewis! Enjoy!

[ dissolve to air traffic control center, with TITLE graphic ]

[ at the rear of the room, Chester P. Butterworth enters with his daughter Veronica ]

Chester P. Butterworth: Now, you’re quite sure about this, Kitten?

Veronica Butterworth: Oh, YES, Daddy! Melvin just needs a chance to prove himself!

Chester P. Butterworth: Well… very well, then. [ calling out ] MEL-VIN! Would you step in here, please?

[ Melvin, dressed in sailor suit, comes crashing through the door tripping over a broom handle ]

Chester P. Butterworth: Melvin… you have had THREE jobs here at Butterworth International Airport: Door Boy, Errand Boy, and Bell Boy. And they’ve all been… [ in Melvin’s face ] DISASTERS!!

Melvin: [ cowering back ] Aiiggghh!! Don’t just — don’t just — don’t hit a person!

Chester P. Butterworth: But because my little Princess has faith in you, I’m going to give you ONE last chance —

Melvin: Oh! Thank you, Mr. Blisterwart!

Chester P. Butterworth: — as an air traffic controller!

Melvin: Ohhhh!! Thank you, Mr. Butterblimp!

Chester P. Butterworth: The name is BUTTERWORTH!! Chester P. Butterworth!

Melvin: Butterblimper!

Chester P. Butterworth: NO! Melvin, you’ll be working closely with these three gentlemen: Clyde Hyman, Stevin Clavin, and Irwin Flayman.

Melvin: [ enthusiastically ] Hi, Mr. Hy– uh, Hyman, Mr. Clavin, Mr. Flayman!

Chester P. Butterworth: Mr. Clavin, please give Melvin your headset, and Mr. Flayman, if you would explain Melvin’s duties to him, please?

[ Mr. Clavin hands Melcin his headset ]

Chester P. Butterworth: And, Melvin, in the future, would you kindly wear… REAL CLOTHES?!!

Melvin: [ cowering back ] Aiigghhh!! Okay, Mr. — Thank you, Mr. Blisterwart… Mr. Butterblimp —

Chester P. Butterworth: THAT’S BUTTERWORRRRRRRTH!!!

Melvin: BUTTERBLIMP!!

[ Mr. Butterworth exits the control center ]

Veronica Butterworth: Oh, don’t mind Daddy, Melvin! He’s just so particular about his airport! I know in time he’ll love you JUST as much as I do! [ she hugs Melvin ]

Melvin: [ singing ] “La la laaaaaaaa!! La la laaaaaaa!! La la” — You’re a nice lady!

Veronica Butterworth: Good luck, Melvin!

[ Veronica kisses Melvin on the forehead, then exits ]

Mr. Flayman: Okay, Melvin. Take a look at your screen here, and I’ll brief you on the traffic pattern in your sector.

[ Melvin clumsily places the headphones around his head ]

Mr. Flayman: Okay, it’s getting pretty busy out there, uh — braking conditions are fair to poor, zero roll-out, and zero visibility. Now, as you can see here… [ reveal radar screen with two incoming colored dots ] you’ve got two Jumbo jets holding to come in here…

Melvin: Yeah?

Mr. Flayman: That is a TransEastern 601 at 10 o’clock, and a Pan-Asian at 11 o’clock, okay? I think you’ll pick this up pretty quickly.

Melvin: Oh, sure.

Mr. Flayman: But, uh, whatever you do, don’t send them to the same runway, okay?

Melvin: Oh, np, no! [ he laughs like a little kid ]

Pan-Asian V/O: Butterworth Center. This is Pan-Asian 28 heavy. Starting descent now at 6,000. Still with you. Over.

Melvin: Uh — uh — come in, Pan-Asian 28! Hi! Uh, this is MELVIN!

Pan-Asian V/O: Melvin?

Melvin: Uh — yeah! I-I-I mean, Roger! I mean, MELVIN! And then Mr. Flayman and, and Mr. Clayman, and Mr… Mr… Glayman, too!

TransEastern V/O: TransEastern 6-0-1 heavy, with you. We’re heading towards our marker at 2,000. Request permission to land on Runway 22, left. Over.

Melvin: Uh — wait, wait a minute! Wait a minute, Mr. TransEastern! I’m talking to — I’m talking to Pan-Asian!

Pan-Asian V/O: Pan-Asian 28, with you at 2,000. We’re looking for that TransEastern 6-0-1. Estimate close proximity, still no contact. Request permission to land, Runway 22, left!

Melvin: Stop hollaring! Uh — uh — TransAmerican! Uh, Mr. Flayman?

TransEastern V/O: TransEastern 6-0-1. Heading 2-6-0 at 2,000 to Runway 22, left. Please advise! Where are you, Butterworth?!

Melvin: Oh, Mr., uh — Mr. Clayman! No! No!

Pan-Asian V/O: Come in Butterworth!! Just spotted TransEastern 6-0-1!! Come in, Butterworth!!

[ on the radar screen, the incoming dots overlap and the screen flashes red ]

Melvin: No, no! Oh, they went — Mr. Clayman! Uh — the two, they went together! It’s not good! They went to the same — there was yelling, and — ohhhh… [ distraught ] They were there, but it went — am I gonna get yelled at! A new plane. Mr. —

[ Mr. Butterworth re-enters ]

Chester P. Butterworth: Alright! Who was responsible for those two 747s crashing into each other?

Mr. Flayman: It was Melvin, sir.

[ Mr. Butterworth folds his arms, as Melvin jumps to his feet ]

Melvin: You can look at me! You can touch me! But donnnn’t hit meeeee! I’m sorry! I did bad! I’ll leave. [ he heads for the door ] I guess I’m not such a smart person. I didnt mean to. I’ll go now. Tell Vernonica… I love her.

Chester P. Butterworth: [ grabbing Melvin ] Not so fast, young man! Come back here!

Melvin: Aiiggh, Mr. Butterworth!

Chester P. Butterworth: Melvin, I would like to shake your hand! I’m PROUD of you, son!

Melvin: What?! You mean, you’re not mad the two planes went BOOM, together, the same!

Chester P. Butterworth: It was a GOOD thing, Melvin! Those Jumbo jets were filled with bad Russian, Chinese, and Japaense SPIES!

Melvin: You mean, there were bad persons on there?!

Chester P. Butterworth: YES, Melvin!

[ Veronica runs into the control room ]

Veronica Butterworth: Oh, Melvin! I just heard what you did! I’m so PROUD of you, darling!

[ Mr. Butterworth re-enters ]

Chester P. Butterworth: You know, Melvin, I’ll admit I didn’t like you at first. I don’t know, maybe it was your pants. But I’ve been thinking of retiring and, well, Melvin, I’d like you to take over Butterworth International Airport for me!

Melvin: Ohhhhh! You’re a real — thank you, Mr. Blubberwart! You’re a real nice person!

Chester P. Butterworth: Now, Melvin, the airport is in YOUR hands! And your FIRST job is to… [ he hands Melvin the broom ] GET OUT THERE AND CLEAN UP THAT MEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!!

Melvin: [ cowering back ] Aiigghh!

[ SUPER: “THE END” ]

SNL Transcripts

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