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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 9

75i: Elliot Gould / Anne Murray

Goodnights

….. Elliot Gould
….. Gilda Radner
Priest ….. Michael O’Donoghue
….. Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi, Chevy Chase, Jane Curtin, Laraine Newman

[ FADE IN on a close-up of Elliot Gould at home base ]

Elliot Gould: Do I say anything? When?

[ The camera pulls back to reveal the entire cast, except for Garrett Morris, standing on-stage with Elliot. Gilda is dressed in a wedding dress, Jane and Laraine are her bridesmaids, and Dan, John, and Chevy are all in tuxedos. A priest stands in front of Elliot and Gilda ]

Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife.

[ Applause. The credits roll as the camera pulls back on an overhead shot of the wedding. In the credits, Dave Wilson’s name is X’d out, a reference to the Killer Bees sketch earlier in the show ]

Don Pardo (V/O): The Muppets are Frank Oz, Jerry Nelson, Alice Tweedy, Richard Hunt, and Jim Henson. Also featured in tonight’s cast: Michael O’Donoghue and Paula Kahn. Lorne Michaels was played by Dave Wilson. Dave Wilson was played by Lorne Michaels. And guess who played Don Pardo? Next week’s host: Buck Henry. Good night!

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 9

75i: Elliot Gould / Anne Murray

Godfather Group Therapy
..written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Therapist…..Elliot Gould
Vito corleone…..John Belushi
Sherry…..Laraine Newman
Garrett…..Garrett Morris
Michael…..Michael O’Donoghue

[ open on Group Therapy meeting in Therapist’s Office ]

Therapist: Okay, okay.. before we begin, I’d like to say that because of a personal committment, Group will begin at eight o’clock instead of seven next Tuesday, if that’s alright. [ Group nods ] Now, when we left off in our session last week, Vito was telling us his feelings toward the Tattaglia Family. Vito?

Vito Corleone: Well, the Tattaglia Family is causing me deep personal grief. Also, things are not going so well at my olive oil company.

[ Sherry raises hand ]

Therapist: Sherry?

Sherry: Vito, I think you are blocking.

Therapist: Vito?

Vito Corleone: Blocking what?

Therapist: Sherry?

Sherry: Your true feelings about the Tattaglia Family.

Therapist: Vito? Do you want to respond?

Vito Corleone: Alright. The Tattaglia Family is moving in on my territory. They’ve taken over numbers, prostitution, and restaurant linen supply, and now they want to bring in drugs. Also, they just shot my son, Santino, fifty-six times.

Therapist: Ah! Now we are getting somewhere. What do you think about this?

Vito Corleone: Drugs, I am against.

[ Sherry raises hand ]

Therapist: Sherry?

Sherry: You’re still blocking your real feelings, Vito. What about everything else?

Therapist: Vito?

Vito Corleone: Well, the restaurant linen supply was never a big money-maker..

Sherry: You’re hurting, Vito, and you’re covering up.

Vito Corleone: Alright, alright, you’re right. It is hurting me. Numbers alone, I’m losing fifteen to twenty grand a week.

Therapist: Vito, you’re still blocking. How do you feel about them shooting Santino fifty-six times?

Vito Corleone: Terrible. We had to go to the mattresses. Tessio sleeps with the fishes. Johnny is through in Hollywood. They blew up Michael’s wife and a lovely car. The Tattaglias, Barzinis, and Boyardees all have contracts out on me, the Feds are watching me, Kefauver is investigating me, and the ASPCA is after me over this horse thing.

Garrett: Evading. Vito’s evading.

Sherry: Blocking.

Michael: Feel it. Feel it, Vito.

Therapist: Settle down. Vito will tell us what he’s feeling when he’s ready. Vito? Ready, Vito?

Vito Corleone: [ head in his hands ] I could have been Senator Corleone, Governor Corleone.. but there wasn’t enough time..

Therapist: Vito, this is getting us nowhere. I want you to try to act out your feelings for the Tattaglia Family non-verbally.

Vito Corleone: Do I have to?

Sherry: Vito, we’re with you. We’re on your side. We know where you’re coming from.

[ everyone encourages Vito; he gets up, does orange peel mime, has heart attack and dies. No one reacts. ]

Therapist: Sherry? How do you feel about what Vito just went through?

Sherry: Oh, you know, different strokes for different folks is what I always say. I mean, through my work as a stewardess I have rully learned to understand other people and their problems. Like my friends kept bugging me, kept asking me, “God, Sherry, why do you want to be a stewardess?” And I ralzied that it’s ’cause I love people, I rully do. I love to serve them and help them try to fall asleep sitting up. And, like I had to get outta the Valley, I’m not kidding, man. It was rully getting hairy. But I knew I had a bitchin’ bod and a good personality.

Garrett: You’re blocking, Sherry.

Sherry: So, I just took off, man, and I did a summer blonde commercial, and then I went to stewardess school.. and since then I can’t believe how much I’ve grown, emotionally, I mean. Like when I went back to the Valley a coupla weeks ago, everyone seemed so immature. And Brad, that’s my old boyfriend, found out I was back. So, real late at night, he drove past my window in his Vega and laid a patch. And I thought: “Some people!” You know, Norman Miller was right, “You can’t go home.”

Therapist: Okay. Before I forget, because of a personal committment, Group will begin at nine o’clock next Tuesday instead of seven, if that’s alright?

[ everyone nods in agreement, then leave the therapy session, Vito still lying on the floor dead ]

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 9

75i: Elliot Gould / Anne Murray

Gilda & Elliot IV

…..Gilda Radner
…..Elliot Gould

[ open on Elliot Gould at Hmoe Base, blowing bubble gum, as Gilda Radner appears in the background ]

Gilda Radner: Elliot? Um — can I talk to you for a second?

Elliot Gould: [ he nods] Go ahead.

Gilda Radner: Uh — I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I’ve come to the decision, uh, that you and I could be very happy together. [ Elliot blows another bubble ] Now, uh — we’ve spent some time alone, and we like the same things, and we’re compatible, and my mom really likes you. Snd I know it won’t be easy because we both have our careers, and I know you’ve been married before… but — and egos, I know egos can suffer a lot when both people are in the same business, but… I just want you to know that, no matter how big I become, you’ll never come to the point where you’ll be known as “Mr. Gilda Radner”. [ Elliot nods ,then shakes her hand ] So, uh — I know I’m hitting you with a lot, but, uh, you just think about it, okay?

[ Elliot is speechless ]

Gilda Radner: [ to the audience ] And we’ll be right back!

Elliot Gould: [ leans in and whispers ] Gilda, I didn’t say anything…

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 9

75i: Elliot Gould / Anne Murray

Gilda & Elliot III

…..Gilda Radner
…..Elliot Gould
Mrs. Radner…..Paula Kahn

[ as everyone disperses the Killer Bees sketch, Gilda Radner approaches Elliot Gould ]

Gilda Radner: Um — Elliot? Do you have a few minutes? [ Elliot looks around, shrugs ] Just wait here, there’s somebody I want you to meet!

[ Gilda rushes to the set’s front door, admits an older woman onto the set ]

Gilda Radner: Um — Elliot? This is my mom. Mom, this is Elliot!

Mrs. Radner: Oh! I’m so glad to meet you!

Gilda Radner: How was yourr flight up, Mom?

Mrs. Radner: Oh, it was lovely, dear. We had dinner and drinks.

Gilda Radner: Oh! [ to Elliot ] Mom just flew in from Florida!

Elliot Gould: Well, it’s very nice to meet you, Mrs. Radner.

Mrs. Radner: It’s lovely to meet you, and I love ALL your pictures. Everyone likes them, and Michael thinks you’re just —

Gilda Radner: Uh, Michael’s my brother. He saw “Getting Straight” about six times! He’s taking a later flight, you can meet him later.

Mrs. Radner: [ to Elliot ] I want to thank you — I want to thank you for being so lovely to my daughter. You’re just a doll!

Elliot Gould: Uhhh —

Mrs. Radner: It’s such a pleasure to meet you.

Elliot Gould: Well, uh — uh — you must be very proud of Gilda, she’s so talented, and she’s gonna be a big star from this show here.

Gilda Radner: Thanks! [ to her mom ] Okay, well, we’ll see you later.

Elliot Gould: Okay.

Mrs. Radner: [ to Elliot ] It was a pleasure.

Elliot Gould: Oh, yeah, yeah…

Mrs. Radner: From what Gilda tells me, we should be seeing a lot of each other!

Elliot Gould: Oh?

Gilda Radner: Okay! Come on, Mom! Good bye, Elliot! [ they step away ]

Elliot Gould: [ desperately, to the camera ] Could we go to a commercial, or something, now?

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 9

75i: Elliot Gould / Anne Murray

Gilda & Elliot II

….. Elliot Gould
….. Gilda Radner

[ FADE IN on Elliot standing at home base ]

Elliott Gould: And now, it is my pleasure…

[ Gilda enters and interrupts Elliot ]

Gilda Radner: Elliot? Elliot? Um, who’s Lydia?

Elliot Gould: Who?

Gilda Radner: Lydia. I was just passing by your dressing room…

Elliot Gould: Oh, yeah. She’s an old friend, an old friend of mine.

Gilda Radner: She’s very pretty.

Elliot Gould: (trying to get off the subject) Yeah, right.

Gilda Radner: What does she do?

Elliot Gould: She used to be a model.

Gilda Radner: Oh. Do you like her?

Elliot Gould: Well, she’s an old friend and whenever I’m passing through New York I always try to see her.

Gilda Radner: Okay. Um, I just want you to know that I meant everything I said last night. And I know that you know that you meant everything you said last night.

Elliot Gould: Well…I don’t know if I said anything. (to camera) And now, Anne Murray.

Gilda Radner: Who’s Anne Murray?

[ The audience applauds, and Elliot starts explaining inaudibly to Gilda who Anne Murray is ]

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 9

75i: Elliot Gould / Anne Murray

Gilda & Elliot I

….. Elliot Gould
….. Gilda Radner

[ As the audience applauds Elliot’s monologue, he unwraps a piece of gum and chews it. Gilda Radner walks on stage, clapping. ]

Elliot Gould: Hi Gilda, thanks for the gum.

Gilda Radner: Oh, you’re welcome…

Elliot Gould: You okay?

Gilda Radner: Yeah, Elliot. I just want to tell you that I had a wonderful time last night.

Elliot Gould: Aww…

Gilda Radner: Thank you.

Elliot Gould: Well, me too. I had a ball.

[ The audience laughs as Elliot glances towards them, grinning. ]

Gilda Radner – You know, um, uh…after you left my place this morning I was a little nervous about seeing you today. But I don’t feel guilty or anything, because I know I like you. And you said you like me, right?

Elliot Gould: Sure do.

Gilda Radner: What are you doing after the show?

Elliot Gould: Tonight?

Gilda Radner: Yeah.

Elliot Gould: Aw, Gilda, I’ve got to fly right back to California in the morning. So I’ve got to go back to my hotel, pack, and then I just thought I’d go to sleep.

[ Gilda is disappointed, and puts her hands on Elliot’s sides ]

Gilda Radner: Oh, okay. Uh, look, I’m a grown woman. I understand how things happen between people. And I just want you to know that I meant everything I said last night.

Elliot Gould: (pause) Me too.

Gilda Radner: (cheerfully) Really? Okay, bye.

[ Gilda kisses Elliot on the cheek and exits ]

Elliot Gould: We’ll be right back after this message.

[ Paul Shaffer plays a jaunty piano tune, and Elliot looks into the camera and does a goofy dance ]

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 9

75i: Elliot Gould / Anne Murray

Interior Demolitionists

Mrs. Henderson…..Jane Curtin
Interior Demolitionist #1…..Elliot Gould
Interior Demolitionist #2…..Chevy Chase
Willie…..Garrett Morris
Mr. Henderson…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on Mrs. Henderson reading the newspaper and drinking a cup of coffee in her living, as the doorbell rings ]

Mrs. Henderson: Coming!

[ she straightens the newspaper and dashes across the room as the doorbell rings again ]

Mrs. Henderson: Just a minute!

Mr. Henderson: [ from upstairs ] Who is it, honey?

Mrs. Henderson: [ calling up ] I have no idea!

[ suddenly, an axe is chopped through the front door, and two unknwon men enter the living room ]

Interior Demolitionist #2: Morning, ma’am.

Mrs. Henderson: Come in…

Interior Demolitionist #1: Morning, ma’am. Interior demolitionists. Are you Mrs. Henderson?

Mrs. Henderson: Yeah. Interior demolitionists?

Interior Demolitionist #1: Yeah. Where do you want us to begin?

Mrs. Henderson: Uh — [ calling upstairs ] Honey?! Did you send for interior demolitionists?!

[ Interior Demolitionist #1 picks up a vase and smacks it to pieces with a hammer ]

Mr. Henderson: [ from upstairs ] I can’t hear what you’re saying, honey — I’m in the shower!

Mrs. Henderson: [ calling upstairs ] Did you send for interior demolitionists?!!

Mr. Henderson: [ from upstairs ] Whaaat?

Mrs. Henderson: [ to Interior Demolitionist #1 ] Do you want — you want some coffee?

Interior Demolitionist #1: Oh, yeah! Great!

Interior Demolitionist #2: No coffee for me, thank you.

[ Mrs. Henderson pours another cup of coffee ]

Interior Demolitionist #1: Well, you just leave this to us, Mrs. Henderson. We’ve got a lot of experience. [ he takes a cup of coffee ]

Interior Demolitionist #2: [ holding clock ] Beautiful clock, ma’am.

Mrs. Henderson: Oh… yeah. It’s Austrian. It’s been in our family for —

Interior Demolitionist #2: Well, it’s just beautiful. [ he drops it to the floor, then stomps on it ]

[ Interior Demolitionist smacks his coffee cup with a hammer ]

Mrs. Henderson: Are you sure you have the right house?

Interior Demolitionist #2: Uh, Boss — I think we’re pretty much ready for you over here by the TV.

Mrs. Henderson: My husband doesn’t tell me anything, and I thought, you know, maybe you could have gotten the wrong house! The people next door might have called you —

[ Interior Demolitionist #2 climbs on a chair and holds a bowling ball tied to a chain, which Interior Demolitionist #1 grabs from the bottom and aims for the direct center of the TV, busting the screen and blowing a tube ]

Interior Demolitionist #2: No problem there!

Interior Demolitionist #1: Yeah.

Mrs. Henderson: [ desperately ] You know, it’s funny — my husband sounds like a lot of people on the phone! You could have mistaken him for anyone!

Interior Demolitionist #1: [ to Interior Demolitionist #2 ] Well, I guess we’d better take care of this stuff before we set the explosives. [ he picks up a chair and snashes it into a curio cabinet ][ meanwhile, Interior Demolitionist 2 smashes and stomps upon a bookcase near the stairs ]

Mrs. Henderson: [ calling upstairs ] Honey, did you order explosives?!

[ an explosion can be heard outside ]

[ from upstairs ] Okay, honey, I’ll be out in a moment!

[ Willie enters, carrying a detonator ]

Willie: Okay, Boss! Finished with the garage!

Interior Demolitionist #1: Okay, Willie — wire the sofa!

Mrs. Henderson: [ confused ] Really? Wire the sofa?

[ as Willie sets up the detonator under the sofa, Interior Demolitionist #2 steadies a ladder below the chandelier ]

Interior Demolitionist #2: Ready for you here, Boss. Take your time. I’ve got the ladder.

[ Interior Demolitionist #1 climbs the ladder, then snaps the chandelier wire in half. It crashes through the coffee table below ]

[ suddenly, Mr. Henderson runs downstairs with a towel wrapped around his neck ]

Mr. Henderson: What’s going on? What’s going on here? What is going on?

Interior Demolitionist #1: Mr. Henderson!

Mr. Henderson: This is my house! What’s going on?!

Interior Demolitionist #1: We’re the interior demolitionists.

Mr. Henderson: Interior demolitionists?

Interior Demolitionist #1: Yeah.

Mr. Henderson: [ dumbfounded ] You expect me to pay for this?

Interior Demolitionist #2: Excuse me, sir, uh — [ he chuckles ] We haven’t finished yet!

Mr. Henderson: Haven’t finished? You haven’t even started. Get out of my house!

Interior Demolitionist #1: One minute. You’re paying us by the hour. Yuo might as well let us finish. Willie, hit the plunger.

[ Willie presses the detonator, as the couch makes a small boom ans smoke plummets upward ]

[ Mr. Henderson checks under the cushions, not satisfied ]

Mr. Henderson: Okay, out! Out, out, out! Get out, get out, get out! Out! Out! All of you, get out of here! Move!

[ the men head toward the door ]

Interior Demolitionist #1: You want me to send you an invoice, Mr. Henderson?

Mr. Henderson: Get out! Get out of my house! Interior demolitionists!

[ the men exit the house ]

Mr. Henderson: [ to his wife ] Interior demolitionists, they call themselves! Look at this! [ he picks up a vase ] Look at this vase! It’s hardly even chipped! At $500 an hour, I expect rubble! Fragments!

Mrs. Henderson: Honey, you’re such a perfectionist! Here!

[ she throws the vase at the wall, but it just bounces off without breaking ]

[ dissolve to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… The Elephant’s Funeral Home” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 9

75i: Elliot Gould / Anne Murray

The Dead String Quartet

First Violinist…..Dan Aykroyd
Second Violinist…..Jane Curtin
Third Violinist…..Garrett Morris
Cellist…..Chevy Chase

[ open on three violinist and one cellist seated in the middle of the apron the stage, seemingly asleep ]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the Dead String Quartet.

[ SUPER: “The Dead String Quartet” ]

[ light laughter, as the audience waits with eager anticipation to see what’s going to happen next ]

[ Dead String Quartet remains perfectly still for a number of seconds, until First Violinist slowly keels over to his left, sound of his reed slipping across the violin strings as his body keels over ]

[ First Violinist bumps into Second Violinist, causing a similar reaction from her, as her reed slips over the violin strings and she keels into Third Violinist ]

[ Third Violinist’s body keels on into the Cellist, whose body and cello lean over to the edge of the stage ]

[ Cellist balances between his cello and the floor for a few seconds, before finally toppling over the apron and landing with a thud in the middle of the audience ]

Cellist: [ suddenly alive, reaches his arm over the apron and looks into the camera ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 9

75i: Elliot Gould / Anne Murray

Albert Brooks Film

… Albert Brooks
Paul Rennert … James L. Brooks

[Comedian Albert Brooks, wearing brown flannel shirtand brown pants, stands outside a building, addressingthe camera.]

Albert Brooks: Hello, I’m at the National AudienceResearch Institute, a few miles outside of Phoenix,Arizona. This is my last film in this series for theSaturday Night show. I might be back but that’s notimportant right now. What is important is you. Comeinside with me. I’ll show you what I mean.

[Brooks heads into the building. Dissolve to Brooksinside the building as he walks past a row of large,noisy computers and addresses the camera.]

Albert Brooks: In this building, hundreds of dedicatedmen and women work in order to find out what you, theaudience, like and why you like it. You know, someperformers say, “I don’t care about the audience. Ifthey don’t like it, fine. I got my own style, my ownbag. I’ll wait for other audiences.” [Brooks stops. Wecut to a close-up.] Not me. I’m not that stupid.That’s why I’m willing and able to change in anydirection you choose. [Cut wide again.] All I have toknow is why you don’t like it and what it is I can doabout it. And that’s what brought me here.

[Cut to Brooks in a denim outfit, walking through anInstitute hallway.]

Albert Brooks V/O: I first came to the ResearchInstitute one year ago today. With my own money and atwenty-five thousand dollar grant, I intended tolaunch the most comprehensive research program everattempted for one individual.

[Cut to a room with four researchers sitting at atable. Brooks enters and shakes hands with them.]

Albert Brooks V/O: The Institute assigned three menand one woman to my project. As soon as I met them, Iknew I was in good hands.

[Cut to interview footage of Paul Rennert, one of theresearchers, in his office.]

Albert Brooks V/O: There was Paul Rennert, a pioneerin the field of audience research.

Paul Rennert: Yeah, I went to the University ofColorado and I knew exactly what I wanted to do withmy life. I got into research.

Albert Brooks: [off screen] Is it an absolute science,research?

Paul Rennert: An absolute? No, no. It’s not anabsolute. The wonderful thing about it, and whatexcites the people who are in it, is that you can goahead and dig and compile, dig and compile, and you’renot heading towards any final answer.

[Cut to interview footage with another researcher,Brian Elsner, who wears a white lab coat in a computerlab.]

Brian Elsner: Look…

Albert Brooks V/O: Brian Elsner…

Brian Elsner: … I’m not even gonna deal with thisproblem.

Albert Brooks V/O: … one of the first men tointroduce computers into the field of audienceanalyzation.

Brian Elsner: We have tons and tons of computer data.By the time we compile it and read it out, it’sout-of-date.

[Cut to interview footage with the only femaleresearcher, Sandy Laughton.]

Sandy Laughton: Whether you’re walking on the moon orchoosing The Tonight Show…

Albert Brooks V/O: Sandy Laughton, responsible forchoosing just what material of mine would be used fortesting purposes.

Sandy Laughton: The material seldom makes me laugh.

Albert Brooks: [off screen] That’s not ’cause it’s notfunny.

Sandy Laughton: Not necessarily. I – I laugh when Ithink I’ve done a good job.

[Cut to interview footage with the oldest researcher,Mark Fielding, a gray-haired, bespectacled man whowears a bow tie.]

Mark Fielding: The participants in these tests …

Albert Brooks V/O: Doctor Mark Fielding, head of theresearch team.

Mark Fielding: … are chosen by tests so complicatedthat, actually, it deserves studying.

Albert Brooks: [off screen] What was the age range ofthe participants?

Mark Fielding: A four year old boy in Des Moines, Iowato a seventy-five year old woman in San Diego,California. And every possible combination in-between.

[Cut to Brooks, walking down a flight of stairsoutside the institute, addressing the camera.]

Albert Brooks: Obviously, a research institute thathas spent millions of dollars on a testing programcan’t divulge its secrets on national television.However, since I was paying for this, they did allowme to film small portions of just a few of the overone hundred and six tests given.

[Cut to a projection room where four test subjects sitin recliners wearing headphones. Sandy Laughton,wearing a white lab coat, paces behind them, holding aclipboard, making notes.]

Female Subject: No!

Male Subject: [soberly] I’m laughing very hard.

Female Subject: No!

Little Girl: I don’t like it!

Female Subject: Yes.

Albert Brooks V/O: Test Eleven.

Male Subject: [soberly] I’m not laughing.

Female Subject: Yes. Yes. No.

Albert Brooks V/O: Wearing special headphones, groupsof four people, chosen for specific reasons, wereasked to listen to a comedy recording of mine andverbalize all thoughts and feelings.

Male Subject: [soberly] I’m laughing hard.

Little Girl: I like it!

Albert Brooks V/O: On the surface, this test appearsto tell nothing. However, once the information was fedinto a computer, the results were astounding.

[Cut to a man and a woman sitting on a sofa. They wearname tags.]

Man: I don’t understand the whole thing. This is theTonight Show. We’ve been watching the Tonight Show fortwenty years….

Albert Brooks V/O: Test Twenty-eight. In their ownhome, this couple has just watched me perform on alate night talk show. The Institute felt it would makefor an unusually honest critique if, after theprogram, they could remain in their home and speak tome directly through their television. [Cut wide toreveal researcher Paul Rennert sitting in a nearbychair in the couple’s living room, arguing with them.Brooks is visible on the TV.] At a staggering cost perminute, special lines were set up between theInstitute and this house two thousand miles away.Regrettably, these people were not briefed properlyand their confusion was costing me a fortune.

Albert Brooks: [on the TV screen, interrupting theargument] Hold it! Wait a minute! I’ll explain onemore time. Okay?

Man: Please.

[Cut to Brooks in a TV studio.]

Albert Brooks: I’m not in Burbank.

Man: Yeah.

Albert Brooks: I’m nowhere near the Tonight Show.

Man: Oh.

Albert Brooks: I did that earlier this evening.

Man: I see.

[Cut to the living room with Brooks on the TV.]

Albert Brooks: [on TV] I left. I got on a plane. I’mnow near Phoenix, Arizona.

Woman: So you left The Tonight Show?

Albert Brooks: [on TV] Yeah.

Woman: Uh huh. And now you’re in Arizona?

Albert Brooks: [on TV] Right! I’m at the Institute.

Woman: I see. I see. I see.

Albert Brooks: [on TV] Now, what did you think of theshow?

Man: How close are you to Phoenix?

Albert Brooks: [on TV, completely loses it] Whatdifference does it make HOW CLOSE I AM TOPHOENIX???!!!!

[Cut to Brooks in the TV studio.]

Albert Brooks: [goes ballistic] What the hell is goingon?! What did you think of the show?!

[Cut to an Institute control room where a videotape ofBrooks’ previous film for Saturday Night plays on apair of TV screens. Brian Elsner, the computerspecialist, is visible in the background.]

Albert Brooks: [on TV screen] Before I go, I’d like tosay one thing. You know, making film is a cooperativeeffort …

Albert Brooks V/O: Test Sixty-five. One of a series oftests utilizing the Institute’s very newest computer.[Cut to a hairy-chested, bearded man with sensorsstuck to various parts of his body and head.] Thisman, while viewing me on television, was sending overtwo million impulses into this — what the Institutecalls the XR-8000. [We cut back and forth betweencomputer and sensor-rigged man] This computer canactually translate these impulses into a critique thatcan be read and discarded, much the same as a typicalnewspaper review.

[A teletype prints out the critique. It reads: “Atthis point, however, Brooks simply becomes a babblingBrooks. The sharpness of his wit is dulled by the factthat he can’t seem to hold an audience once it isthere. Some comedians have that gift, Brooks does not.He assumes that an audience, once in a setting, isgood for at least an hour. Streisand, yes. AlbertBrooks, no. Another annoying things seems to beBrooks’ attitude toward people that don’t like hisact. He wastes no time before he insults them …” Cutto a small room. Brooks talks with a male testsubject. Through a glass window, we see researchersElsner and Laughton watching and taking notes.]

Albert Brooks: [to the male subject] Just– You see,you’ve taken it the wrong way.

Albert Brooks V/O: Test Seventy. I was placed in asmall room with a subject who, in an earlierinterview, expressed an intense dislike for my work.

Male Subject: [hostile] It’s tasteless.

Albert Brooks V/O: I was instructed to see if I couldbring him around to my way of thinking. This test wasdesigned to show just how deep audience feelings ran.

Male Subject: [angry, yelling] I don’t care! You’re -not – funny!

Albert Brooks: But I AM funny!

Male Subject: [grabs Brooks by the arms] Youunderstand that? I HATE YOU! You’re not funny!

Albert Brooks: But don’t you – don’t you understand–?

Male Subject: [shakes Brooks violently] Look! You’renot funny! I hate you!

Albert Brooks: I don’t think you understand–

Male Subject: No, YOU don’t understand!

Albert Brooks: Okay.

Male Subject: [increasingly violent] I hate it! I hateyou! I hate everything about it! You’re not funny!You’re not funny and I hate your guts!

Albert Brooks: Okay. [taps on window, yells toresearchers, who do nothing] Let me out – let me outof here!

Male Subject: I hate you.

Albert Brooks: Okay. Let me out.

Male Subject: You are not funny!

Albert Brooks: Oh, okay.

Male Subject: You are not funny …

Albert Brooks: Let me out of here!

Male Subject: … at all!

[Cut to Brooks, walking briskly away from theInstitute, wearing his brown outfit again. He carriesa massive book and addresses the camera.]

Albert Brooks: The National Audience ResearchInstitute has just turned over to me its findings inthis eight hundred and twenty-two page report. I’mgonna go on a vacation now and have somebody I trustput this into a synopsis I’ll read. [pauses at the topof a flight of steps running down to the street] Thenext time I see you, I hope and pray to be more ofwhat YOU want. [Brooks starts walking down the steps.]Thank you! And if you’re going on vacation, please,have a nice one, too!

[Fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 9

75i: Elliot Gould / Anne Murray

Killer Bees

Written by: Lorne Michaels & Chevy Chase

Husband…..Chevy Chase
Wife…..Gilda Radner
Killer Bee Leader…..Elliot Gould
Killer Bee Manuel…..John Belushi
Killer Bee Carlos…..Dan Aykroyd
Aunt Betty…..Jane Curtin
…..Lorne Michaels

[ open on suburban living room, Husband and Wife reading newspaper on the couch ]

Husband: “Airport ’75” is playing right around the corner.

Wife: I don’t know.. I don’t feel right about seeing “Airport ’75” in 1976.

Announcer On Radio: And now, here’s Sandy Duncan for the new BAF Viewmaster.

Voice On Radio: What is this! Is this a joke? What? How does this thing work? I can’t..

Announcer On Radio: We interrupt this program to bring you this bulletin from the news room. Swarms of South American killer bees have been spotted crossing the border into California.

[ Killer Bee Juan enters through windwo, crosses behind sofa and puts knife to Wife’s neck ]

Sightings have mostly been confined to rural areas. None have yet been seen in more heavily populated areas.

Killer Bee Manuel: Senor, if you want to see your wife again, you will do as I say.

Announcer On Radio: Eyewitnesses say that the bees are yellow and black, and dress much the way Eli Wallach did in the movie “The Magnificant Seven”. The bees are also overweight..

Killer Bee Juan: Turn off the radio!

Husband: [ turns radi off ] Wait a minute.. you must be..

[ Killer Bee Leader kicks in the front door, followed by his swarm ]

Killer Bee Leader: That’s right, gringo.. the Killer Bees.

[ Music: “Sting” ]

[ SUPER: “The Killer Bees” ]

Carlos, lock the door. Manuel, check upstairs. Pablo, by the window.

Husband: What do you want from us?

Killer Bee Leader: We want your pollen.

Husband: Pollen?

Killer Bee Juan: Your pollen or your wife, Senor!

Husband: I don’t understand. We don’t have any pollen. [ Killer Bee Juan presses knife closer to Wife’s neck ] I think there might be some pollen in my coat. Let me just take a look. [ walks over to coat rack and checks pockets of his coat ] No pollen there. Maybe the foyer. [ returns to couch ]

Killer Bee Carlos: Nice shoes you have, gringo.

Husband: Honey, what about the pollen you left in the freezer? Why don’t you go get it? Oh, no, wait.. I’m wrong. Didn’t we leave it at Aunt Betty’s?

Wife: You’re right. That whole big pile of pollen is at Aunt Betty’s. There is no pollen here.

Husband: Say, I have an idea. Why don’t you take the station wagon.. and drive over to Aunt Betty’s.

Wife: Well, I couldn’t carry all that delicious, yummy pollen by myself.

Husband: Alright. If you insist. You’re right. We wouldn’t want to lose one tiny speck of pollen, if we can help it.

Killer Bee Leader: Silence! What do you thnk we are, fools? [ gestures to one of his Killer Bees ] Carlos!

[ enter Killer Bee Carlos with Aunt Betty tied up ]

Wife: Aunt Betty.

Aunt Betty: I had to tell them! They made me! First, they tied me down, and then the buzzing started. That infernal buzzing. The buzzing bees hovering over me, their stingers just inches from..

Killer Bee Leader: Carlos, take her away!

Killer Bee Carlos: Come on, Aunt Betty, we go for a walk..

Killer Bee Leader: Now, maybe you’ll talk.

Husband: [ flabbergasted ] You don’t understand! We don’t have any pollen. We’re ordinary people – people have relatively little use for pollen. I could write you a check. I could give you ice cream. I can let you watch TV, but I can’t give you pollen.

Killer Bee Leader: [ dejected ] Never mind. Let the woman go. One more killing would not put polen into the mouthes of our starving children.

Killer Bee Juan: [ puts down knife ] But, Diego.

Killer Bee Leader: No Juan. What difference does it make? It is over now.

[ two of his Killer Bees begin playing traditional, sentimental Mexican tune on guitar and violin ]

[ Four Shot: Husband, Wife, Killer Bee Juan, Killer Bee Manual ]

We have reached the end of our journey. If we are to go back to the village, we will go back empty-handed. Senor, my people are poor people. For many years they have worked hard. The harvest is so small for so long. I knew we had to leave, to search elsewhere to feed our young. We started to move north last April..

John Belushi: [ breaking character, after noticing the camera shot ] I don’t mean to interrupt, Elliot, but I think we’re having some sort of technial difficulty. The camera has been on us all during your speech.

Elliot Gould: What?

Chevy Chase: Elliot, I noticed that, too.

Gilda Radner: Elliot, why don’t you sit over here and give the speech?

[ Elliot crosses to couch and sits next to Gilda in the shot, then nods to the musicians to start the music again ]

Killer Bee Leader: Senor, my people are poor people. For many years they have worked hard.

[ camera pans past Gilda to show part of the couch ]

The harvest is so small for so long. I knew we had to leave..

[ camera shows floor and rug. Chevy gets down on all fours in shot and pounds the floor. ]

Chevy Chase: Hold it. Lorne! Lorne Michaels! I can’t believe this!

[ Lorne’s feet and legs enter the frame ]

Lorne Michaels: What’s the problem?

Chevy Chase: Look at this shot! Look at this shot! Lorne Michaels!

[ Lorne gets down beside Chevy ]

Lorne Michaels: Elliot, I can only apologize. Excuse me, I’m Lorne Michaels, I’m the producer of this show.

[ SUPER: “Lorne Michaels – Producer” ]

Elliot Gould: Do you want me to give the speech from here, Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: It’s nothing to worry about, I’m sure it’s just a minor techincal problem. I’ll see to it right now. Just wait one moment, please..

[ Lorne leaves stage, camera following him through the studio and into the control room. The cast watch on the monitors. ]

Elliot Gould: What is he going to do?

Gilda Radner: I think he’s going into the control room.

Elliot Gould: What for?

Gilda Radner: I don’t know. He’s probably going to talk to the director or something.

Chevy Chase: I’ll tell you this. He’s mad now. I mean, I’ve seen Lorne mad, but –

[ Lorne enters control room to find a bleary-eyes Davey Wilson slumped in his seat, surrounded by empty licquor bottles. Lorne wrests the licquor away from him. ]

John Belushi: Let me tell you one thing about Lorne Michaels. Lorne Michaels has the biggest heart in show business. He hired that director when no one else would hire him.

[ intercut shots of Lorne reasoning with Davey in the control room, Davey reaching for the bottle ]

Twenty-two years ago, Dave Wilson was the best young director in television. He was directing “I Married Joan”. Then, one day, the pressure got to him, and he started hitting the bottle. He went on a bender, and didn’t pull out of it until Lorne found him six months ago and gave him this job, and a new sense of himself. Since then, he’s been on the wagon, at least until tonight. Okay, so Lorne took a chance and gave an oldtimer a new start, and maybe the pressure got to him again, and he cracked. That’s not Lorne’s fault. He knows we’ve got a show to do, and if he has to fire him, he will, because he’s that kind of producer. But let me tell you one thing, Elliot.. I wouldn’t be in Lorne Michaels’ shoes for all the money in the world, because right now he’s probably in there firing his own father.

[ show Lorne banishing Dave from the control room, and taking over the directing duties himself ]

Lorne Michaels: [ obviously lying ] Elliot, we had a little technical problem in the booth, nothing to worry about. Can you pick it up from the “My people were poor..” speech?

Chevy Chase: Elliot, you want to continue?

Elliot Gould: Look, Lorne, I don’t feel like doing it now.

Lorne Michaels: Elliot, I think it’s working very well.

[ awkward pause.. Elliot and the cast all mutter no, we don’t feel like it, and exit the set ]

John Belushi: That Lorne Michaels sure can take it on the chin, can’t he?

SNL Transcripts