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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 7

75g: Richard Pryor / Gil Scott-Heron

Black Takeover

Dad…..Dan Aykroyd
Daughter…..Gilda Radner/Annazette Chase
Mom…..Jane Curtin/Kathy McKee
Son…..John Belushi/Richard Pryor

[ open on a white suburban family talking over dinner ]

Dad: ..And the point is, that they are taking over! First they bought the Sweeney’s house, and they bought the Thomason’s house, and then they bought the Smith’s! Let’s face facts here, they’re taking over, I’m telling you!

[ phone rings ]

Daughter: I’ll get it! [ jumps out of chair ]

Mom: No phone conversatons during dinner, Polly, you know that.

Daughter: [ whining ] Oh, come on, Mom! I just know it’s Steven! I just know he’s gonna ask me to the Christmas dance! He’s the captain of the football team, and I just know he’ll ask Judy Irving if I don’t go, and it’ll just ruin my life!

Daughter: Oh, okay.. But make it fast before your fruited jellogets cold!

[ Daughter runs for the phone ]

Dad: [ still ranting ] They’re taking over! Like some kind of flu bug! First one guy at the office is up with the runs, and then it starts to spread!

Son: [ holding empty milk pitcher ] Mom? Dad? Would anybody else like some fresh, whole milk?

Mom: No thank you, Scotty.

Son: You mind if I be excused from the table?

Mom: Go right ahead.

Son: Thanks! [ exits dining room ]

Dad: That is what this black thing is like! It’s just like the runs! It’s like some kind of bug! It’s everywhere you look, and there’s nowhere you can go except for the solace of your own bathroom!

[ Daughter returns to the room, happy and black ]

Daughter: Oh, Mom! He asked me!

Mom: Do we interrupt when your father is talking, Polly?

Daughter: [ sullen ] I’m sorry.. [ sits down ]

Dad: [ not noticing his daughter ] It’s scary, that’s all, it just scares me! One day you’re living next door to one, and the next day you are working for one!

[ Son returns with empty milk pitcher, and black skin ]

Son: Sorry, Mom, but I just spilled some milk on your counter..

Mom: [ upset ] The counter that I just cleaned and shined in one motion?!

Son: Gee, Mom.. holy creepers! I’ll go clean it up..

Mom: No, Scotty, I’ll get it, it’s woman’s work.. [ retreats tokitchen ]

Son: Thanks, Mom. [ sits ]

Dad: One day one’s Governor, next day one’s President, next day one’s.. Barbra Streisand.. I don’t know..

[ Mom returns to the table, also black ]

Mom: Oh, thank goodness. the shine is still there. Now, what were you saying, dear?

Dad: I was saying that they are taking over! I can see it happeneing all around me! I know, I’ve got eyes, I can see! [ fails to notice his family has turned black ] Scotty, would you, uh.. pass the grits, please..?

[ zoom out to wide studio shot, with SUPER: “Coming up Next… Japanese Joke Jackets: Three Sleeves And None Of Them Work!” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Saturday Night Live Transcripts


Season 1: Episode 7

75g: Richard Pryor / Gil Scott-Heron

Richard Pryor Stand-Up

…..Richard Pryor

 

Richard Pryor: The pictures, uh, the pictures that you saw on the TV between the commercials — that’s my family. That was my grandmother, the last one.[Applause.] I didn’t want you to think I was sellin’ my family or nothin’, you know. Grandmother raised me, you know, used to send me to church and stuff so I’d be good. But I liked to hang with the winos. I did.’Cause winos know Jesus personally. Very religious, you know. Every wino, you ask ’em, “Where’s Jesus?”[imitates a screaming wino] “JESUS! HE LIVE OVER IN THE PROJECTS!” And I’d stand around watchin’ ’em direct traffic early Sunday morning. Winos are great at directin’ traffic, you know.

[as the wino, whistles] “HEY, FOOL! YOU BETTER SLOW THAT CAR DOWN! DON’T COME DRIVING DOWN THROUGH HERE LIKE YOU CRAZY! THIS A NEIGHBORHOOD — THIS AIN’T NO RESIDENTIAL DISTRICT! You could have killed that sign, anything! I ain’t a-playin’ with you. I’ll put a hurtin’ on you, boy. Mess with me. [mumbling to himself, he mimes pulling a bottle from his back pocket, has trouble unscrewing the top] Damn! [drinks, makes a face] Whoooo! Buddy, buddy! [screws the top back on and pockets the bottle while singingwordlessly] Jesus on my mind! [puts index finger to the side of his nose and blows, repeats with the other index finger, gets snot on sleeve, wipes it off on his pants, shakes his head sadly] I ain’t good as I used to be. [sees something and points] Now, look at him, look at that boy over there, standin’ in the middle of the street. Boy’s a stone junkie. Look at him. Used to be a genius. Used to book the numbers, didn’t need paper or pencil. Look at him. Now he can’t remember who he is. [whistles] Hey, Junior! GET OUT OF THE STREET, BOY! N****, YOU AIN’T NO STOP SIGN! GET OFF THE STREET! JUNIOR!”

[imitates the junkie, mouth open, head thrown back, face to the sky, straightens up, looks around in a panicked daze] “What’s happenin’?! Hey! What’shappenin’?! I know somethin’ happenin’ ’cause everything movin’. HEY, OLD DUDE! Pops! You got anything? I feel bad enough to drink some milk.”

[as the wino] “Yeah, I got somethin’ for ya, boy! Come on off that street. That narcotic done made you null and void. Come here, boy. Come here. Nasty, stinkin’ devil, you. When you get a job, boy, go to work?”

[as the junkie] “Get a job? Go to work? You talkin’ to the kid, baby. I worked five years in a row when I was in the joint. I did a nickel, baby. And I can work my tail off, man, pressin’ license plates. That’s right. But where n*****s gonna get a job out here pressin’ license plates? Huh? I went to the unemployment bureau… Damn, baby. [falls asleep on his feet, the audience applauds, and Pryor abruptly wakes up, confused]Was I through? [after a pause, resumes his story] I walked to the unemployment bureau, walked downtown –clean, you know what I mean? Walked up to the lady sittin’ in there with an ol’ tiara on her head, typin’ tip tip tip tip tip. I said, HEY! She said: [woman’svoice] ‘Ooh ooh!’ I say, Hey! What’s happenin’? She looked at my paper: [woman’s voice] ‘You got a criminal record!’ I said I know that! I’m a criminal! Tell me somethin’ I don’t know. Like where I’m gonna get a job pressin’ license plates. I slapped you know what. She got all upset. [woman’s voice] ‘Oooh ooh ooh ooh! Don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me!’ I say, I ain’t gonna– Be cool, old lady — you know? I ain’t gonna take no bust for no old lady. Old n****r with a gun down there come on: [voice of a cranky old man, slapping his holstered gun with his hand] ‘Hey, what’s the trouble, buddy? Come on, what’s going on? What’s the trouble?’ Hey, YOU the trouble, Tex! Who you supposed to be? Jesse James? Made me sick, man. I threw up on the floor. He talkin’ ’bout: [cranky old man’s voice] ‘Clean it up, baby, clean it up.’ I ain’t cleanin’ no nothin’. If I’d a-wanted it, I’d a-kept it! [Applause.] But I’m hurtin’, baby, you know? I went home, ya’ know. Mama called me a dog. Ma dear, she did. Daddy say he don’t wanna see me in the vicinity. Just ’cause I stole his television. Wasn’t nothin’ on it. Can you help me out, old dude? Please? I’m sick, man. [sings weakly] Help me make it through the night.

[as the wino] “I’m gonna help you, boy. ‘Cause I believe you got potential. That’s right, you can be somebody ’cause you’re sharp, know what I mean? [takesout bottle, unscrews it, hands it to the junkie] Try some o’ that. Don’t you drop it, n***r! Put … Slowdown. Just take a sip! Go ahead. [watches junkie take a long swallow] You know somethin’ about football, don’t you? PASS IT! [applause, takes the bottle, wipesrim] You know what your problem is? You don’t know how to deal with the white man! You got a white man complex. I know how to deal with him. That’s why I’m in the position I’m in today.” [drinks from the bottle, makes a face, screws the top back on, and pockets it] Thank you. [Much applause.]

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 7

75g: Richard Pryor / Gil Scott-Heron

Shelley Pryor

…..Shelley Pryor

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Shelley Pryor!

[ZOOM in on Shelley. She is at center stage with long, straw-colored hair, an olive green leisure suit, dark slacks, and very long fingernails.]

Shelley Pryor: You know, this being the season to be jolly and everything, I’ve written a little story to help you get your jollies… [grins] …and it’s about my most favorite place in the world, the carousel in Central Park.

[Calliope music starts playing]
You see, once upon a time,
There was the most beautiful white carousel,
With two horses in love.
Now here’s their story I tell.

Now, the boy’s name was Ching,
And the girl’s name was Jing,
And their was abounding,
A most wonderful thing.

Until one day… [play “dum-de-dum-dum” from “Dragnet”]

Well, you see, Ching was a carousel horse.
Now, he was white out of one dozen.
But he couldn’t go up and down, [makes up-and-down motion]
Like his uncles or his cousins.

Well, this made Ching
Very, very sad,
Because going up and down
Made children glad.

And every Sunday they would run to the park,
And ride on the carousel
Until way after dark.
But they wouldn’t ride Ching.

Now that, of course, was a very sad thing.

[piano music gets louder]
Well, you see, Ching used to be able to
Go up and down,
Until one day this fat lady
Rolled into town,

And when she heard the music,
And she could tell that the music
Came from the carousel,
And carousels were her favorite thing.

So she ran to the park
Where she saw little Ching,
And she jumped on Ching–
And broke his spring.

And that was the end of his up-and-down thing.
[makes up-and-down motion]

[sad piano music]
Well, then, then, the grown-up people came,
And they took Ching off the carousel
To this tunnel underground,
And they stripped his white paint,
And they colored him brown.

And they tied a little cowboy’s scarf around his neck,
And they nailed a little metal box to his side,
And he carried the sign that said,
“Ten cents a ride.”

And they put him in front of a supermarket
On the other side of town,
And now he just rocks back and forth. [makes up-and-down motion]
He couldn’t go up and down. [grins]

But you know what?
Jing-a-ling, she still loved him very, very much,
Even though her friends would all fiddle.

[in nasal, nagging voice]
“Now, listen:
You CAN’T love a horse like him.
I mean, he doesn’t have a spring.
Now, think about your kids:
They’ll be stuck in the middle.”

Well, come on, I mean, stuck in the middle
Because he doesn’t have a spring?
Now why should true friends
Be worried about such a thing? [grins]

Or, was it that he lived
On the other side of town,
And that she was white,
And he was brown?

Well, you know, it’s really very funny
That even to this day,
Some carousel horses,
And ponies that rock,

And you know, some people too
Are still in shock?

I mean, it really is a shame,
That no one ever understood,
That underneath their paint,
They were all made of wood.

But I, uh, I guess that’s a horse of another color, huh?

[Shelley grins mischievously and bows as the audience applauds.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 7

75g: Richard Pryor / Gil Scott-Heron

Samurai Hotel

Written by: Tom Schiller

Samurai…..John Belushi
Traveler…..Chevy Chase
Bellboy…..Richard Pryor

Announcer: Now, another edition of “Samurai Hotel”.

[ open on Samurai placing hotel visitors’ mail in various room slots, grunting as he pushes each piece in ]

[ Traveler enters ]

Traveler: Excuse me? Excuse me. I’d like a room for the night, please? [ Samurai grunts ] Actually, I’ll probably be staying through to Tuesday. [ Samurai withdraws sword, accidentally knicking his shoulder ] Do you have a king-size bed? One with a king-size bed. [ Samurai extends sword ] I guess, uh.. perhaps, get a room with, uh.. You know what I’d like? A room overlooking the park. Are the rates high for that? [ Samurai yells, motions sword ] Do you have room service? [ Samurai grunts ] Room service. [ Samurai extends sword ] Uh.. what’s your check-out time? [ Samurai makes series of motions with sword across the front desk, as Traveler fills out the log ] Could you get a bellboy to get my bags, please? Carry my bags up?

[ Bellboy approaches front desk, as he and Samurai yell at one another ]

Traveler: Fellas? Which one of you is gonna carry my bags upstairs?

[ Samurai and Bellboy both extend swords, then run toward one another several times, as Traveler waits. Demonstrating his prowess, Samurai uses sword to slice a hanging ornament down from the ceiling. ]

Samurai: Your momma-san!

Bellboy: [ angry ] My Momma-san?!! [ raises sword and slices front desk in half ]

Samurai: [ in the only English he’ll ever speak ] Well, I can dig where you’re comin’ from.. I’ll take these bags up to the room.. [ picks up Traveler’s bags and carries them upstairs ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 7

75g: Richard Pryor / Gil Scott-Heron

Pong

…..Tom Davis
…..Al Franken

[FADE IN on a blue “Pong” video screen. The player on the left is leading the one on the right, 5-0. The players are heard talking off camera.]

Tom Davis: Yeah, I heard you guys lost to the University of Toronto last night. What was it, 11 to 2?

Al Franken: Yeah, they had this one guy named Bouchard, who was just amazing. He looked like he played pro hockey or something. Boy, he had a great night.

Tom Davis: Sounds like, uh…

[The player on the right misses a shot, making the score 6-0.]

Tom Davis: Sounds like you had it pretty rough last night.

Al Franken: Well, yeah, but I, I scored a goal.

Tom Davis: YOU scored a GOAL? But you’re the goalie, right?

[The right-hand player misses again to make the score 7-0.]

Al Franken: Yeah, I’m the goalie. Yeah. What happened was, this Bouchard had an incredible slapshot, and he, uh, he hit one real hard, I didn’t see it, it hit me right in the cup, you know?

Tom Davis: Wow.

Al Franken: Yeah. Bounced to center ice, and all the way down to the other end, and it skipped past their goalie.

Tom Davis: No kidding!

[The player misses another shot; the score is now 8-0.]

Tom Davis: Boy, I wish I had seen that. Hey, your mouth looks pretty bad, does that still hurt? Franken: A little. Uh, they said the stitches will be out next week, but–

Tom Davis: How did that happen? I heard you got hit with a stick, or something?

Al Franken: Naw, you see this, uh… you know, we didn’t have a chance with this Bouchard guy dancing around, you know. So, uh, he came swooshing by my net after he scored his eighth goal, you know? So I just, uh, tapped him a little bit on the head with my stick…

Tom Davis: Right.

Al Franken: Boy, the next thing you know, this Bouchard guy’s got his gloves on the ice, and he’s punching me in the mouth as hard as he can–

[Again, the right-hand “Pong” player misses for a score of 9-0.]

Tom Davis: Wow!

Al Franken: And get this: the ref throws ME out of the game instead of Bouchard.

[The right-hand player misses an easy shot to make it a 10-0 game.]

Tom Davis: No kidding!

Al Franken: Yeah, he was making bad calls like that all night.

Tom Davis: Wow.

[The player on the right misses still another shot, effectively ending the game at 11-0. The ball and the “players” suddenly disappear.]

Al Franken: Hey, there’s something wrong with my side of the, uh, machine, here…

Tom Davis: Well, let’s play another game, and we’ll switch sides.

Al Franken: No, no, I gotta suit up for pwactice.

[FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 7

75g: Richard Pryor / Gil Scott-Heron

Suicide Pill

General…..Dan Aykroyd
Major…..Richard Pryor

[FADE IN on a military general’s office. Dan Aykroyd, the general, is pushing pins into a map of Europe when a pair of boots is heard clomping into the room. Wearing a camouflage uniform, Richard Pryor walks in and stands at attention. He salutes Aykroyd smartly. Dan returns it.]

General: Evening, major. Team One is mighty glad you were selected for this mission.

Major: [softly] Thank you, sir.

General: You did a beautiful job of cleaning up Paraguay. Okay. While in the Ukraine, you’ll be using the following items:

[Dan picks up a device which looks like a grapnel hook attached to a toaster.]

General: This is a laser-guided electronic gaphook. This will help–this will help you get over the fuel dump selector fence perimeter. It’s a beautiful software item.

[picks up an object which looks somewhat like a dagger]

General: This is the digispan target fighter. Team Lab One’s newest piece of personnel elimination equipment. You’ll love it.

[points to items on desk]

General: And, uh, take that, and take that pill.

[Obediently, Pryor picks up the pill and swallows it. He chases it with a sip of water.]

General: Okay, now… the chopper will drop you here, in Quadrant B, and, uh…

[points to Pryor with pen]

General: That pill, by the way, is an L-Pill. Kills within 20 seconds of time of consumption. Poison lab came up with it. Take it if they try to capture you.

[Pryor stares at the map in disbelief while audience roars with laughter.]

General: [turns to map] Okay. This is what we’ll be doing. We’ll be dropping here in Sectors 5, 7, and 8…

[Pryor slumps slowly to the floor. Totally oblivious, Dan keeps talking and pointing to the map.]

General: Sectors 5, 7, and 8, we’ll be cross-breeding in here.

[Pryor lies motionless next to the desk.]

General: Major? You listening? This is a life-or-death matter here, now listen. What we’re going to do here… this is vital, Major, please pay attention.

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 7

75g: Richard Pryor / Gil Scott-Heron

Gil-Scott Heron performs “A Lovely Day”

…..Gil-Scott Heron

[FADE to Gil-Scott Heron at the microphone as the band starts up behind him and a sax player hits a few notes to his left.]

Gil-Scott Heron: Now a song for you about bright days and sunshine.

“It’s on a bright spring morning,
There’s not a cloud in the sky,
And it’s got me out here walking,
And waving to the ladies as they stroll by.

And I ain’t forgot for a moment
The other things I need to do,
But when I see that old sun shinin’,
I feel like I can make it too.

And yes, and all I really want to say,
Is that the problems come and go,
But the sunshine seems to stay.

And just look around,
I think we found a lovely day.

[speaking] Bang.
The flowers woke up blooming,
And put on a color show just for me.
[speaking] And I appreciate it. Bang.

The shadows dark and gloomy,
I told them all to keep that away from me.

Because I don’t feel like believing
Everything I do’s gonna turn out wrong,
When the vibrations I’m receiving
Say, “Hold on, brother, just you be strong.”

And yes, and all I really want to say,
Is that my problems come and go,
But the sunshine seems to stay.

Just look around,
I think we found a lovely day.

And sometimes it rains,
[speaking] And you,
And I feel kind of strange,
Because it seems like my problems begin
Without the sunshine on which I depend.

And all that brings me feeling,
Yeah, some say,
Just look around,

[applause]

I think we found a lovely day.
I think we found a lovely day.

[PAN out and fade to black.]

Gil-Scott Heron: [over applause] Thank you.

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 7

75g: Richard Pryor / Gil Scott-Heron

The Muppets

[FADE IN on a panorama of a set which looks like a moonscape with erupting volcanoes and an orange sky. Black muppets are hiding in craters, a few of which are giving off steam, and tumbleweeds and other odd objects fly across the surface while funky, tuneless music plays.]

Don Pardo: Come with us now, from the bubbling tar pits to the sulfurous wastelands, from the rotting forests to the stagnant northlands, to the land of Gorch.

[FADE to Ploobis, a fat, green lizard with Viking horns, who is guzzling liquor out of a bottle. He slurps for a few seconds, then sets the bottle down.]

Ploobis: [drunkenly singing] I’m retired, and Iwant to go to bed…

Peuta: [shrieking] PLOOBIS!!! PLOOBIS!!

[ENTER Peuta, his elderly wife, who has her blue hair rolled up in curlers.]

Ploobis: Uhhh… I just changed my mind on that.

Peuta: Come to bed!!

Ploobis: [slurring] Don’t tell me what to do!

Peuta: You’re still drunk!

Ploobis: And you’re still ugly. We’re even.

[Peuta hummphs and walks away. Ploobis waves bye-bye to her.]

Ploobis: Uh, yeah, uhhhhhhhhh, we’re even, ehhhhhhhh, um.

[ENTER Scred, a smaller, gray, warty lizard, carrying a lump of ice in his hands and singing unintelligbly.]

Scred: Hiya, hiya, Chief. I got the ice and the beer nuts, but they’re all out of lampshades.

Ploobis: Listen, Scred. Have a drink. I hate to drink alone.

Scred: Oh, nup, nup, nup, I’m seeing double already.

Ploobis: Well, then, both of you have a drink.

Scred: Aaaaaaagh!

[He grabs Scred, pulls him over, opens his mouth, and pours booze down his throat.]

Ploobis: There you go. That, that’s drinking like a man, friend.

[Scred gurgles and coughs]

Ploobis: Drunk like a man.

Scred: Naw, you forgot what planet you’re on! That’s drinking like a Snirch! He, he, he, he….

Ploobis: Oh, yeah, I forget how them Snirches drink.

[Scred tries to pull away, but his ragged sleeve catches on one of Ploobis’s rings.]

Ploobis: You’re caught on me there, Scred!

Scred: Aaaaaagh!

Ploobis: Let go of me, aaagrrgh…

[Scred manages to untangle himself.]

Scred: You know, you shouldn’t drink, though. Yeah, you should just lay offa that stuff!

Ploobis: [points to bottle] All right. You’re fired! You get that, he got laid off the stuff! You, you see that? Heh, heh, heh!

[They laugh while Ploobis has another blast.]

Ploobis: Ehhhh, Scred.

Scred: Hmm?

Ploobis: Scred.

Scred: Yeah?

Ploobis: You know why I drink?

Scred: No.

Ploobis: It’s because I hate myself.

Scred: Oh. That explains why I drink! I hate you too!

[Ploobis throws the bottle at Scred, but misses. The bottle goes klunk on the ground.]

Scred: Actually, actually, I’m only kidding. You’re my very favorite.

Ploobis: Yeahh?

Scred: Yeah. I just love bloated green things.

[Ploobis grabs Scred by the collar.]

Ploobis: I like you too, see, Scred. I like, I like the way your neck and my hand are a perfect fit.

[chokes Scred]

Scred: How convenient!

Ploobis: Wait a minute, Scred. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Scred: What?

Ploobis: Why don’t–why don’t–why don’t–listen, why don’t–why–why don’t–why don’t we go see The Mighty Flavog?

Scred: Oh, no! I got a better idea?

Ploobis: What’s that?

Scred: Yeah. Why don’t we go see The Mighty Flavog?

Ploobis: That’s a good idea! Let’s do that! Come on, let’s go.

[Ploobis and Scred start off to the right.]

Ploobis: Nope–it’s not that way. It’s the other way.

Scred: Over here.

[They walk off to the left and come to a kind of granite, Egyptian statue with an old man’s face carved into it.]

[sound effect of a gong]

Mighty Favog: This is The Mighty Favog.

Ploobis: That is The Mighty Flavog.

Scred: Yeah, sure is! He, he, he!! Hey, Mighty Favog! Me and my little dog Toto here want to go back to Kansas!!

[Laughter]

Mighty Favog: [tonelessly] You guys been hittin’ the sauce again.

Ploobis: Listen, uh–

Scred: No, just had a couple of drinks.

Ploobis: Yeah, yeah, lighten it up there, stoneface!

Scred: Stoneface! Stoneface! Yeah, he’s got a face that could stop a clock!

Mighty Favog: Stoneface?! Thou shalt not take the face of the Lord thy God in vain!

[There is a sound effect of thunderclap, while a lurid gray smoke cloud appears in the sky. Ploobis and Scred tremble in fear.]

Mighty Favog: Heh. The mighty Oz has spoken.

[Sound effect of a gong, then ZOOM in on Favog nodding his head. Play funky music, then FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 7

75g: Richard Pryor / Gil Scott-Heron

Richard Pryor’s Monologue

…..Richard Pryor

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Richard Pryor!

Richard Pryor: How you doin’? Thank you very much forcoming here to New York. Uh, hope I’m funny. I’d liketo dedicate this to, uh, show to Miles Davis, myfriend. He’s in the hospital, sick. But he’s cool.Miles always gets women, though, ’cause he talks socool. You know, Miles go: [scratchy whisper] “What’shappenin’?”

I get women, too. I can’t keep ’em but I get ’em.Women always leave me, man! I don’t mind ’em leavin’but they tell you why. You know what I mean? Justleave! Don’t tell me why! ‘Cause there ain’t nothin’you can do but stand there and look silly, right? Yoube … [imitates a man standing there and lookingsilly: points to himself in surprise, shrugshelplessly, rolls his eyes, shakes his head indisbelief] And the madder you get, women get cool whenyou get mad. [as an angry man] “WELL, GO ON AND GETOUT THEN!” [as a cool, calm woman] “I’m leaving.” [asthe man] “I DON’T EVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!” [as thewoman] “Don’t worry, you shan’t.”

Drive you to drink, jack, you know? I tried drinkin’for a while but I used to go into bars and check outthe people that were drinkin’ and they weren’t happy.And they get beat up a lot. No — drunks, they startout cool. Brother be cool at first and he goin’:[quiet, polite] “Give me a Scotch and soda, please.”Real cool. ‘Bout a hour later: [instantly imitates adrunk, yelling at a bartender to his right] “WHAT?!WHAT YOU MEAN I’M DRUNK?! HUH? I wasn’t drunk when Icame in here! And I ain’t gonna leave till I’m sober.Now, you can dig that, baby. Bartender?! Are you thebartender? Give everybody in here somethin’. Give ’ema beer. And twenty straws. Ha ha! Whoooo!” [applause,Pryor turns to his left] “Hey! Huh? What you lookin’at, bitch? What? No, I don’t know what time it is.It’s time for you to stop messin’ with me. That’s whattime it is. I know I’m ugly but I don’t look like noclock. That’s right, baby. [turns to his right] What?What are you worried about? You the bartender. If Isay somethin’ to this piece of wood, then you saysomethin’. Otherwise, you can freeze on your thing,baby. You know, ’cause I’ll bust you apart. Ha haaaa!Whooo! [turns to his left, looks up] What you want,big ol’ dude? Apologize to who? For what? I don’t careif she your mama– [suddenly falls to the floor andtries to fend off blows with his arms as if beingpunched and kicked by the big ol’ dude] Hey, man! Waita minute, man! [rises] I’m just kiddin’, man, baby.What you doin’?! You done kick me in the ass, baby![feels his sore ass] You in a world o’ trouble now!No, don’t hold him — let him go, baby! Come on, youwant some of me? [puts his fists up to fight but isinstantly knocked to the floor, bounces back up again]Wait a minute, man. I’m only kiddin’ ya now.”[pretends to vomit all over himself noisily, muchapplause.]

That’s why I don’t drink so much. Take acid, either.White dudes take acid. They do. They take acid and gosee “The Exorcist.” They crazy. White dude gave mesome acid once at a party, too, jack. And I thought Iwas crazy before I took it. It saned me right up. Dudesay: [nerdy white dude’s voice] “This is far out.” Isaid, “What?” Says: [nerdy white dude’s voice] “It’sfar out.” I took it, jack. [mimes taking the acid,then as the white dude] “You’re gonna be trippin’!”

‘Bout twenty minutes later, I was at the party: “Hey,blood, what’s happenin’? [mimes one half of a complexhandshake for two brothers] Everything is cool. Whitedude gave me some stuff I’m gonna be trippin’! Youknow, I ain’t goin’ no place without my luggage.Believe that. [runs his lips over his teeth, somethingfeels funny, he puts his left hand up to his face,then starts waving it back and forth, his eyes rivetedto his hand, then he starts waving both hands aroundin the air watching them intently] Look at this, man!I can catch my hand! [eyes bug out, mouth opens wide,a high-pitched squeal] Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! [suddenlythe squeal becomes low-pitched and Pryor starts moving– and talking — in slow motion] Uh oh. I’ve got toget out of here! [running in very slow motion acrosshome base, another high-pitched squeal] Whaaaaaaaa![suddenly stops, clutches his chest, in a normal butpanicked voice] I don’t remember how to breathe! Ican’t breathe! [opens mouth, bobs head] One, two,three. Ain’t nothin’ happenin’, man!” [nerdy whitedude’s voice] “Told ya it was far out!”

[tripping again] “I’m gonna die! I don’t even know whoI am, I’m gonna die! I’m gonna die! I’m gonna die! I’mgonna die! I’m gonna die! I’m gonna die! I’m gonnadie! I’m gonna die! I’m gonna die! [keeps repeating”I’m gonna die!” over and over in an increasinglyfunky rhythm and then starts dancing goofily to thebeat – it begins to sound like an auctioneer’s chant -abruptly, he stops and raises an arm triumphantlywhile speaking gibberish that sounds vaguely like anAfrican tribesman – this segues into a briefpseudo-native American chant – finally, Pryor flapshis arms in slow motion as if about to fly away] What- in – the – world – is – happening – to – me?!” [Muchapplause. Pryor waves to the audience.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 7

75g: Richard Pryor / Gil Scott-Heron

Looks At Books

…..Jane Curtin
Junior Griffin…..Richard Pryor

Jane Curtin: Good evening! Welcome to “Looks At Books”. I’m your host, Jane Curtin. My guest tonight is the author of several books on race in America, and he’s here to talk about his latest book, “White Like Me”. Welcome, won’t you, Junior Griffin. Junior, why don’t you begin by describing the ordeal behind your book?

Junior Griffin: Well.. I decided that the only way to understand a white man’s problems was to actually become a white man, get white skin, and live like a white man in a white’s man world, you know?

Jane Curtin: And, uh, how did you accomplish this?

Junior Griffin: Uh.. shoe polish.

Jane Curtin: Here’s a copy of the book, with a picture of Junior as a white man. [ holds up book photo ] Junior, what did it feel like to suddenly be white?

Junior Griffin: Well, you know, it was spooky! Um.. I was walkin’ around with the credit cards bulgin’ out of my wallet, you know? And I’d apply for jobs, get accepted 8 out of 10 times, you know? And things I never dreamt of was happenin’ to me! It was really something else!

Jane Curtin: You know, I don’t want to offend you, Junior.. but I don’t think I would believe you were white – even with shoe polish. Did any other white folks catch on to your game?

Junior Griffin: Not a one. There’s some dumb honkies out there! They didn’t catch on a bit! ‘Cause I got into it! You know? I became a white person! And got a white attitude, you know what I mean?

Jane Curtin: Could you, uh, demonstrate this for us?

Junior Griffin: Well, if you don’t mind. But, you see, there’s a certain white walk that you have to have. And a certain white talk! [ stands ] I mean, you just can’t be like this, you know what I mean? You got to get down and say things like.. [ in a white voice ] “Excuse me? Would you move out of my way?” And you walk like this – check this walk! [ walks in a stilted white way ]

Jane Curtin: You got me! [ laughs ] Tell me, Junior, do you have any works in progress?

Junior Griffin: Well.. I’m working on a new book – it’s from the perspective of White Jewish-American Princesses.

Jane Curtin: That’s going to be very difficult.

Junior Griffin: Oh, it’s gonna be tricky, all right. You know, I’m gonna have to have a sex-change operation, and I’m gonna marry a doctor..

Jane Curtin: Well, we’ll talk more about that later..

Junior Griffin: ..have a couple kids, probably..

Jane Curtin: Thank you very much, Junior, for being on this show, and we’ll be right back after this message.

Junior Griffin: ..I don’t be jivin’ with my boys!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts