Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 3

75c: Rob Reiner

Golden Needles

Spokesman ….. George Coe
Swimmer ….. Jacqueline Carlin
Tennis Player ….. Chevy Chase

[ Fade in on a woman diving into a swimming pool. She swims across, emerges from thewater and addresses the camera ]

Swimmer: Right now, I’m having brain surgery.

[ Cut to an old woman cheerfully working in a garden ]

Gardener: Right now, I’m having a spinal fusion.

[ Cut to a tennis player about to serve the ball ]

Tennis Player: Right now, I’m having a vasectomy.

[ Cut to the commercial spokesman standing in front of a wood panel backdrop ]

Spokesman: “Impossible”, you say? Not with Golden Needles voodoo accupuncture,the amazing new scientific breakthrough that combines the ancient art of Chineseaccupuncture with the modern convenience of Haitian voodoo. If you’re like me, youjust don’t have time to make frequent visits to the doctor or lie around someexpensive hospital for weeks on end. But now, thanks to voodoo accupuncture,medical attention is as close as you’re mailbox. Simply jot your ailment down andsend it with check or money order to:

[ Cut to the Golden Needles address in black type on a yellow background:”GOLDEN NEEDLES
DEPT. 22
PORT AU-PRINCE, HAITI” ]

Spokesman (voice): Golden Needles, department 22, Port Au-Prince, Haiti.

[ Cut back to the spokesman ]

Spokesman: And be sure to enclose a lock of your hair, a few fingernail parings,and a recent photo. On receipt of your letter, qualified native cultists will fashion…

[ The spokesman holds up a voodoo doll with feathers for hair ]

Spokesman: …a wax doll in your image, and then a skilled Chinese physicianwill stick healing pins into that doll…

[ The spokesman sticks a needle into the doll’s chest, then holds up a deadchicken in his other hand ]

Spokesman: …speeding instant relief to you! And all for just $39.95.

[ “JUST $39.95” flashes on screen ]

Spokesman: That’s right, just $39.95 for operations costing up to ten or fifteenthousand dollars. So if doctor bills are giving you a headache, try treating yourself theGolden Needles way.

[ Cut again to the address title card ]

Spokesman: That’s Golden Needles, department 22, Port-Au-Prince, Haiti.

[ A quick burst of native drumming, then a blow dart hits the center of the title card ]

Voiceover: In case of medical emergency, priority will be given to letters with theearliest postmark.

[ Fade out ]

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 3

75c: Rob Reiner

The Muppets

Ploobis…..Jim Henson
Scred…..Jerry Nelson
Peuta…..Alice Tweedy
Wisss…..Richard Hunt
Mighty Favog…..Frank Oz

[ As the sketch opens, Scred is massaging King Ploobis’ back. ]

Ploobis: Oh, yeah, yeah. A little to the left there, Scred. Oh, yeah! Yeah!

[ The moment is broken by an explosive entrance from Queen Peuta. ]

Peuta: Ploobis! Ploobis! Do you know what your son Wisss is doing?

Ploobis: What, has he locked himself in the bathroom with a magazine again?

Peuta: No! Your son Wisss is smoking… craters!

Ploobis: NO!

Peuta: Yes!

Ploobis: Not my son. Why, my son is a… he’s a…

Scred: A crater head!

Ploobis: A crater head! No, he is not! [ POW! Ploobis smacks Scred. ]

Scred: Oh, thank you.

Ploobis: My son is not a crater head.

Peuta: Yes, he is! Go look for yourself.

Ploobis: All right, I will!

[ Ploobis exits. Scred takes the opportunity to fondle Peuta’s moogies. ]

Scred: Cootchie cootchie coo!

Peuta: Ooh! Ha ha. Not now, sugar claws…

[ Cut to a plain of smoking craters. Wisss, Ploobis’ long-haired hippie son, is sniffing the smoke and blowing it out again through his long furry snout. ]

Wisss: On top of Old Smokey… [ blows out ] Aaaaaahhh!

[ Ploobis enters. ]

Ploobis: Hey, didn’t I ever tell you not to smoke that stuff?

Wisss: Hey, man… wow! Your aura’s really red!

Ploobis: Oooooh. Your aura’s gonna be black and blue in a minute, fella.

Wisss: Hey, lighten, up, Jack, lighten up.

Ploobis: Listen… all the evidence is not in, buster. That stuff there rots your brain.

Wisss: Oh, yeah?

Ploobis: Yeah!

Wisss: Oh, YEAH?

Ploobis: YEAH!

Wisss: … Yeah, what? [ Wisss scratches his head. ]

Ploobis: See that? It rots your brain! Now, what do you need that stuff for? Look at ME! I’m high on life!

Wisss: Yeah. [ He turns contemptuously and sniffs at the crater. ]

[ Scred enters. ]

Scred: Sire?

Ploobis: What.

Scred: Perhaps it would help if you spoke to your son in his own language.

Ploobis: Grrruhh. Good thinking, Scred. [ He approaches Wisss. ] Um… hey, listen, uh, uh — dude — uh… Big Daddy-o here wants you to ixnay with the crater smoke. Ya dig? Huh?

Wisss: Hey, man… don’t down me with those bad vibes, dad.

Ploobis: Grruh. C’mere, Scred. Listen. I can no longer talk to the lad. I want you to tell him that if he doesn’t stop smoking that stuff…

Scred: Mm hmm?

[ Ploobis grabs Scred’s nose. ]

Scred: OW!

Ploobis: I’m gonna do THIS to him.

[ Ploobis twists Scred’s head sideways, snapping some bones with a loud crunch. ]

Scred: Oh! Ow! I’m sure he’d hate that.

Ploobis: Yeah.

[ Scred tries to reposition his head as he approaches Wisss. ]

Scred: Uh… the boss says that if —

Wisss: Yeah? Well, you tell him that if he doesn’t split, I am gonna do this to him. Wisssssss…. [ He blows smoke from his nose into Scred’s face. ]

Scred: Oh! Oh! Oh, wooowwww… the colors!

Ploobis: Scred?

Scred: Hmm?

[ POW! ]

Scred: Oh, and the stars!

Ploobis: Grrruhhh. Maybe the Mighty Favog has got some good advice for me.

Wisss: Oh, never, man. Favog’s a cosmic turkey.

[ GONNNG! The Mighty Favog is revealed. ]

Mighty Favog: THIS IS THE MIGHTY FAVOG. TALK TA ME.

Scred: Yeah, ya got any munchies? Hee hee!

Ploobis: Will you shut up, Scred. Oh, omni-impotent one, I gotta problem.

Mighty Favog: AWRIGHT. IT’S GONNA COST YA.

Ploobis: Scred, put in the chickens there.

Scred: Hanh?

Ploobis: Put in the chickens!

Scred: Oh, yeah — hee hee hee! Chickens! Little birdy wirdies. Here ya go.

Mighty Favog: YEAH… [ There’s a splash, and a flushing sound as Favog smacks his lips and burps. ] AWRIGHT. WHAT’S YER PROBLEM?

Ploobis: My son Wisss… is a crater head.

Mighty Favog: MMMM. WELL, THE ANSWER, MY FRIEND —

Ploobis: Yeah?

Mighty Favog: IS BLOWIN’ IN THE WIND. [ Favog sniffs the air. ]

Ploobis: Huh? [ Ploobis sniffs the air. ]

Scred: I could kill for some chocolate chip cookies!

[ Scred dances out as Ploobis and Favog sniff. ]

[ fade ]

Courtesy of: Tough Pigs Anthology

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 3

75c: Rob Reiner

Middle American Van Lines

[ open on exterior shot of two-story suburban house, as two movers walk up the concrete steps to the front door. Their van is parked in the foreground. ]

[ the movers ring the doorbell; housewive opens the door and lets them in ]

Announcer: You’re moving. Saying godbye to old friends. Looking forward to making new ones.

[ Housewife sentmimentally rubs her hand on a curio cabinet ]

Announcer: It’s not always easy to leave a place you love. We understand. That’s why we take good care of the things you care for most.

[ Mover enters room, where a man sits in a rocking chair. The mover carefully picks the man up and carries him across the room and to the front door. ]

Announcer: At Middle American Van Lines, we believe in doing things right.

[ the Mover carefully adjusts the length of the man before carrying him through the threshold of the door ]

Announcer: We treat everything that belongs to you, just as though it belonged to us.

[ another pair of movers carry a second down the stairs ]

Announcer: We give your most prized possessions the attention they deserve.

[ Mover throws a dropcloth over the Housewife, then carries her out of the room ]

[ cut to the action at the van – family members propped up against the side of the van, as the movers place them inside one at a time ]

Announcer: And we make sure your entire household reaches its destination in one piece.

[ the Movers close and lock the van doors, then the van drives away ]

Announcer: At Middle American Van Lines, we don’t move furniture —

[ close-up of sidewalk – a teddy bear that was left behind ]

Announcer: — we move people.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 3

75c: Rob Reiner

Dangerous but Inept

…..Jane Curtin
Squeaky Fromme…..Laraine Newman

[FADE IN on the caption “DANGEROUS BUT INEPT” against a blood-red background, then FADE to Jane Curtin on a talk show set with potted plants behind her. The caption lingers for a few seconds.]

Jane Curtin: Hi, I’m Jane Curtin, and welcome to another edition of “Dangerous but Inept.” Our guest this week is Squeaky…

[CUT to Laraine Newman as Squeaky, decked in a flowing red dress and a red shawl around her head. She stares at the camera with a deranged look.]

Jane Curtin: Infamous for her alleged attempt on the President’s life, and for her connection with the Manson family. Squeaky, welcome.

[Squeaky pulls a pistol out from under her dress and aims it at Jane’s stomach.]

Squeaky Fromme: Die, lackey pig!

[Squeaky pulls the trigger, but the gun snaps harmlessly. She glances down at it in dismay.]

Jane Curtin: [smoothly] One thing I’m sure our viewers would be interested in knowing is just how you came to be called “Squeaky.” Is that a nickname Charlie gave you?

Squeaky Fromme: He isn’t “Charlie,” he’s the Holy Redeemer! Bourgeois hog-face. Meet your maker.

[Again, Squeaky points and shoots, but the trigger only clicks. She frowns and looks inside the chamber to see if it’s loaded.]

Jane Curtin: [nonplussed] Squeaky, you, uh, made an alleged attempt on the President’s life in September…

Squeaky Fromme: [oblivious] Fawning fascist sycophant…

Jane Curtin: Now, what made you decide that you felt strongly enough to resort to the use of violence?

Squeaky Fromme: [over Jane] Make way for the TRUE revolution, you rat-dog.

[After Squeaky fires her empty pistol again, she cries pleadingly to the camera.]

Squeaky Fromme: So what if Charlie’s short?! He’s good, and he’s kind, and he only kills what he eats!!

Jane Curtin: Join us again next week for another edition of “Dangerous but Inept”…

Squeaky Fromme: [checks gun] Scum! Toiling dreamer of the status quo! Eat lead!

Jane Curtin: …for a chat with Sara Jane Moore. Good night.

[Squeaky’s empty pistol clicks again, then FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 3

75c: Rob Reiner

Hoe-Down

Caller…..Dan Aykroyd
Women Dancers…..Jane Curtin, Laraine Newman, Gilda Radner, Penny Marshall
Men Dancers…..John Belushi, Chevy Chase, Garrett Morris, Michael O’Donoghue

[FADE IN on a clean-shaven fiddler and a bald guitar player with glasses and a long beard. ZOOM OUT to show a country street set with the musicians and the caller standing in a wagon. He wears a black cowboy hat and a long dark suit with a skinny black tie. Eight dancers in old-fashioned dresses and western-style shirts swing arm-in-arm on the floor.]

Caller:
Bow to your girlie, now, curtsy to your man,
Step right up and grab her by the hand,
Now, swing that gal in the fancy clothes,
Circle ‘round and pull her nose!
[laughing maniacally] Ah, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!

[The men all grab the noses of their partners, who stare at them in shock.]

Caller: Grab hands, circle chain!

[The dancers all join hands and dance around in a circle.]

Caller:
Granny doubles bourbon, preacher hits the gin,
Sock it up to Johnny and kick him in the shin!

[He laughs again in delight as the women kick each man in the leg. John Belushi flips off his partner by flicking his hand under his chin.]

Caller:
Promenade! All right!
Promenade uptown, sultry hops,
Wind up your dukes and belt her in the chops!

[The men all double up and punch the women as Dan cackles.]

Caller:
Ladies, wheel on around and back to your place,
Knock him to the ground, stomp on his face!

[Again, the caller chortles while the women push down the men and put feet in their faces.]

Caller:
Gentlemen, on your feet now, aaaaaaaaaand…
Gallivant right with the gal you like best,
Step right up and rip her dress!

[Each man does exactly that. Laraine Newman’s dress hangs open right above her breasts, while Jane Curtin’s slips off her left shoulder. Dan laughs like an axe murderer.]

Caller:
Doe-see-doe, doe-see-doe!
Doe-see-doe, fly higher and higher,
Pull out your pistols and open fire!!

[All eight dancers stop, take pistols out of their pockets, and shoot each other. Every dancer goes down, but Chevy Chase staggers up to the wagon and shoots the caller, who is still laughing maniacally. The caller squeals once and crashes down in the wagon, and then Chevy also tumbles to the floor. CUT to a closeup of the musicians as they finish their song, smile, and bow to each other. FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 3

75c: Rob Reiner

Wrigley’s Gum

Priest…..Tom Schiller

[ open on a funeral scene, open casket centered between two rows of chairs ]

[ mourners arrive and take their seats along the rows ]

[ finally, the priest appears to the casket’s side and stares at the deceased ]

[ the priest then picks up an oversized pack of Wrigley’s Gum and holds it along the casket ]

Priest: Carry it with you!

[ the mourners turn around in their seats and wave their arms before the camera ]

Mourners: [ choir-voice ] Fresh Mint Flavor!!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 3

75c: Rob Reiner

Felina Cat Food

[ open on close-up of Spokesman leaning forward in supermarket aisle ]

Spokesman: We have a cat food so good.. that you can’t tell it’s cat food! And we’re here in Fort Francis, Missouri to prove it! [ leans back to reveal two matching cookware dishes on a foldout table, as camera pulls wide ] Hi, I’m TV’s Ross Potter, at Mel’s Value King, for Felina Kitchens! We’ve prepared TWO identical casseroles. The only difference – the one was made with eighty-cents’ worth of expensive canned tuna; the other, with forty-cents’ worth of Felina Cat Food.

[ dissolve to Spokesman spooning out a sample of the first casserole for a passing housewife ]

Spokesman: Mrs. Fran Bartman, would you tell us which one you prefer? [ inserts the spooned sample into her mouth ]

Mrs. Fran Bartman: [ chewing ] It’s good.

Spokesman: And now, the other. [ spoons a sample of Felina and inserts it into her mouth ]

Mrs. Fran Bartman: Mmm.. this is better!

Spokesman: Tell me, how does this compare with your tuna casserole at home?

Mrs. Fran Bartman: It’s, uh.. CHUNKIER! And, uh.. CREAMIER! It — it has a higher tuna-to-noodle ratio!

Spokesman: Mrs. Bartman, would you servie this to your family at home?

Mrs. Fran Bartman: [ nods her head ] I would – I WILL! [ laughs ]

Spokesman: What would you say, Mrs. Bartman, if I told you that this casserole was made with the expensive tuna — [ points to the first casserole and removes a sleeve from its can, then points to the second casserole ] while this casserole — the one that you preferred — was made with Felina Cat Food.

[ Mrs. Bartman’s smile quickly turns to a disgusted scowl ]

Spokesman: [ holds up a can to the camera ] Felina Cat Food! So good, that your cat will be tempted to eat it with a fork!

[ Mrs. Bartman fidgets uncomfortably, as we fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 3

75c: Rob Reiner

Fashion Show

…..Rob Reiner
…..Penny Marshall

(Applause)

Rob Reiner: Ya know, thank you, you know during the break we just had, somebody came up to me and asked me if Sally Struthers was really my wife, a lot of people ask me that. It’s not true, my real wife is Senator Lowell Weiker. No, of course not. That’d be silly wouldn’t it? No, my real wife is a lady named Penny Marshall and she’s out there in California and I want to say hello, hi Penny, hello Tracy, ok, enough family stuff. Ok, on with the show. You know, over the past few years many people have become fashion concious and (continues, indistinct)

V.O: What Rob doesn’t know is that we’ve secretly flown his wife Penny to New York and she’s here in the studio right now.

(Penny walks out on stage, applause)

Rob Reiner: (overwhelmed) this is-this is amazing! I didn’t know you were coming!

Penny Marshall: Ya you did. Fashion show.

Rob Reiner: ya, right fashion show.

Penny Marshall: Now here’s our cast to demonstrate the most commonly made fashion mistakes.

(Gilda walks out wearing a bright orange shirt and pants with a straw hat on her head and her bra and underwear on the outside)

Penny Marshall: Heres Gilda in a Velour pantsuit, perfect for that mid-afternoon rendezvous. Can you spot Gilda’s fashion flaw?

Rob Reiner: Don’t wear your underwear on the outside. Or if you absolutly must-

(Gilda turns around revealing Thursday written across her underwear)

Rob Reiner: At least make sure you get the day right.

Penny Marshall: Thank you, Gilda.

(Laraine walks out wearing a sparkly white gown with plastic over it and a coat hanger in her mouth)

Penny Marshall: Here’s Laraine, looking her loveliest in this rhinestone-studded creation. Can you spot where Laraine slipped up?

Rob Reiner: In that last minute rush of getting ready for that big date, don’t forget to remove the cellophane and hanger from your freshly dry cleaned clothes.

Penny Marshall: Thank you Laraine.

(Garrett comes out in a grey suit with a chair duck taped to his back)

Penny Marshall: Here comes Garrett, the talk of the town in a smary, confidental, chalk-striped suit. Can you find what fashion law Garrett is breaking?

Rob Reiner: Don’t wear furniture. Have faith and a chair will be provided should you be required to sit.

Penny Marshall: Thank you, Garrett.

(Jane comes out wearing an olive green top, an orange skirt, and a giant hamster head over her head)

Penny Marshall: Here’s Jane, a wild and beguiling gypsy ready to set your heart aflame for if not for one fashion faux pas.

Rob Reiner: Jane is wearing a hamster head. Don’t wear hamster heads, you’ve got a face, lets see it.

Penny Marshall: Thank you, Jane.

(Dan comes out wearing a dark grey leisure suit over a yellow T shirt)

Penny Marshall: Oh look, here’s Danny in a double-knit leisure suit from Norman of Newark. Where has Danny missed the boat?

Rob Reiner: Danny is wearing a double-knit leisure suit from Norman of Newark. Don’t wear them, they make you look like a moron.

Penny Marshall: Thank you Danny.

(John comes out wearing a striped shirt and white shorts with a lobster attached to his eyebrows)

Penny Marshall: Here’s John, the beachcomber. A welcomed guest at any clam bake. Can you guess where John wiped out?

Rob Reiner: Don’t where lobsters on your eyebrows. It’s painful, it’s unattractive, and you won’t score any fashion points for being cruel to crustaceans.

Penny Marshall: Thank you John.

(Michael comes out wearing a fancy black tuzedo with a top hat and a cane)

Penny Marshall: And last but not least, here’s Michael, Mr. Sophistication himself in top hat and tails. Only, isn’t Michael wearing on tail too many?

(As Michael walks down the runway, you can see a long strand of toilet paper coming from the back of his pants)

Rob Reiner: Don’t get caught with a toilet paper tail. Toilet paper should be used and not worn. People might think you were doing it as a cheap joke.

Penny Marshall: Thank you Michael, and thank you too, weren’t they wonderful?

Rob Reiner: We’ll be right back after this filmed message.

Submitted by: Rebecca King

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 3

75c: Rob Reiner

Droolers Anti-Defamation League

…..Chevy Chase

[FADE IN on Chevy Chase standing in front of a black background. He wears a white shirt, black tie, and dark-rimmed nerdy glasses. SUPERIMPOSE the caption, “A PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE.” Chevy speaks haltingly in a very nasal voice.]

Chevy Chase: In America today, certain oppressed minorities… [long pause, takes a deep breath] …are treated like second class citizens. All because of a harmless little affliction. I refer to saliva displacement difficulties, or, as we are sometimes called, “droolers.”

[Drool trickles out of Chevy’s mouth and dribbles down his chin. The audience chortles with laughter.]

Chevy Chase: We at the Droolers Anti-Defamation League are working to correct the negative image of droolers propagated by the media.

[Slobber spills all the way onto his shirt.]

Chevy Chase: For example, how many people know that many famous individuals throughout history–the great philosopher Spinoza, authoress Charlotte Bronte, and world leader Mahatma Gandhi–were actually droolers? Contemporary droolers include Don Pardo.

[Audience roars with laughter as Chevy continues drooling.]

Chevy Chase: There is no reason… why…

[Chevy struggles not to crack up along with the audience.]

Chevy Chase: [stumbling on words] There is no weason why a drooler cannot function as a useful, active member of society. Sealing envelopes, for example, are a small…

[Audience howls with laughter while spit continues to run down Chevy’s chin.]

Chevy Chase: Like everything else, drooling is a handicap. But it is a handicap that can be licked. Thank you.

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 3

75c: Rob Reiner

Joe Cocker

…..Rob Reiner
Joe Cocker…..John Belushi

Rob Reiner: — he just flew in from London — he’s a super rock star, he needs no introduction — ladies and gentlemen, here he is!

[ dissolve across the studio to Joe Cocker shaking himself in a manic manner as the band breaks into a bluesy version of “Get By With a Little Help From My Friends.” ]

Joe Cocker: [ singing ]
“What would you do if I sang out of tune
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Well, lend me your ear and I’ll – I’ll sing you a song
I will try not to sing out of key, yeah.

Oh, baby I get by with a little help from my friends
Well, most of all I wanna get high

Back-up Singers: (By with a little help from my friends)

Joe Cocker: You know I wanna get my friends

Back-up Singers: (By with a little help from my friends)

Joe Cocker: Oh oh oh, whoa yeah!

What do I do when my love is away?

Back-up Singers: (Does it worry you to be alone?)

Joe Cocker:
No, no
How do I feel at the end of the day?

Back-up Singers: (Are you sad ’cause you’re on your own?)

Joe Cocker: Oh whoa oh, baby, I

Back-up Singers: (Get by with a little help from my friends)

Joe Cocker: Oh, dontcha know I wanna get high

Back-up Singers: (By with a little help from my friends)

Joe Cocker: Whoa whoa whoa, I

Back-up Singers: (By with a little help from my friends)

[ Cocker chugs a can of beer back and lets it drip all over himself ]

Back-up Singers: (Do you need anybody – whoo!)

Joe Cocker: [ softly ] I just need someone to love

Back-up Singers: (Could it be anybody?)

Joe Cocker:
All I need is someone, whoa oh oh oh, yeah!
whoa oh oh oh, yeah!

Baby, I —

Back-up Singers:
(Get by with a little help from my friends)
(Get by with a little help from my friends)

[ Cocker stands up on one foot, performs a 720-degree spin and flips himself to the ground ]

Back-up Singers:
(Get by with a little help from my friends) (Get by with a little help from my friends)

[ Cocker cradles himself on the ground, rocks back and forth, then falls off the apron onto the audience’s feet. He climbs back up, lies on his back, spins himself once, then chugs the beer again and spits it out with geyser-like proportions. ]

[ audience applauds ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts