Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 20

09t: Gabourey Sidibe / MGMT

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

Steve Harvey….Kenan Thompson
Contestant 1….Abby Elliott
Contestant 2….Bobby Moynihan
Contestant 3….Gabourey Sidibe

[Who Want to a Millionaire logo. Steve Harvey in his spiffy suit poses]

Announcer: This week on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire! You loved him last week, now he’s back! Celebrity guest host Steve Harvey returns!

[cut to the set of the show]

Steve Harvey: All right now. You excited to be here?

Contestant 1: Absolutely. I’m excited, elated. I’m exuberant.

Steve Harvey: Well, looks like we caught us a college graduate. I used to work in a factory. Ok, here we go, darling. For $1,000. Here’s your question: What 1925 novel features a character named Nick Carraway?

[Possible answers: a] The Great Gatsby b] Ulysses c] Angels and Demons d] Last of the Mohicans]

Steve Harvey: Was it: a] The Great Gassy, b] Olissis, c]Angels and Dominicans, or d]Last of the Moeshas.

Contestant 1: What?

Announcer: Comedian, author and clothes designer Steve Harvey will keep you guessing, while they’re guessing in this special week of “Millionaire”.

[Steve poses in spiffy suit]

[cut back to the set]

Steve Harvey: You like this suit, player?

Contestant 2: It’s very nice.

Steve Harvey: Yeah, it’s from the Steve Harvey collection. You know how many buttons this got? 50! There’s 10 just on the inside of this sleeve right here. Ain’t that something?

Contestant 2: Yeah.

[Steve looks unsure what to say]

Steve Harvey: Ok, here we go. Let’s see if we can win you some money. This spice, popular on Italian dishes, is from the mint family.

[Possible answers: a]Oregano b]Horseradish c] Basil d] Paprika]

Steve Harvey: Is it: a] Oregami, b] Horse rashes, c]Brazil, d] Papo ricans. Heh, heh, I love papo ricans! My make-up lady is half-papo rican! You know I was in Papo Rico last month!

[Steve dances]

Announcer: Steve Harvey is back on the show he was born to host!

[back to the set]

Steve Harvey: [looks around the set] It’s like a spaceship. Where are we going? Mars?

Contestant 3: [clenched teeth] Just ask the question.

Stve Harvey: All right. Here we go darling. For $25,000.

[Question: The volcano known as Eyjafjallajukull is closest to what Icelandic city?]

Steve Harvey: The volcano known as, [Steve opens his eyes big] Eya….um, Eya, Ey, faya….fe, fie, foe.

Contestant 3: Hell, no.

Steve Harvey: Oh, wait a minute. I got this. Let me get this. I’m gonna get it. Eyya, faya, Eyya, faya….yomo gashe is closest to what Icelandic city?

[Possible answers: a]Reykjavic b] Kopagorur c] Hafnarfjorour d] Fjaroabyggo]

Steve Harvey: Is it: a] [Steve eyes wide open, stumped] Buk ba kiabkubu, b] Kavajaba, Kavajaba, jaba, or c] Heflofhef, or d] The Fu Schinikens.

[Contestant 3 chokes Steve]

Contestant 3: What are you talking about?! Steve Harvey is taking my money!

Steve Harvey: Hey! I’m getting tired!

Announcer: Watch Steve Harvey all this week on “Millionaire”. And be sure to tune in afterwards when Larry The Cable Guy guest hosts “Wheel of Fortune”.

[photo of Larry in front of Wheel of Fortune logo]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 20

09t: Gabourey Sidibe / MGMT

A Conversation with Gabourey Sidibe

…..Gabourey Sidibe
Hamilton…..Will Forte
Agent…..Kenan Thompson
Fan…..Nasim Pedrad

[ A sign: “The New York Times presents: A Conversation with Gabourey Sidibe]

[Opens on a little hotel conference room. Academy Award Nominee Gabourey Sidibe talks to a small group of people with her agent. “Precious” movie poster]

Gabourey Sidibe: ….and working on “Precious” was one of the most exciting experiences of my life and I’m honored to be a part of it.

[applause]

Agent: Ok. Let’s open it up to questions.

Fan: Yes. Hi, a lot of the movie is centered around Precious’s desire for a boyfriend. Are you currently dating anybody?

Gabourey Sidibe: No, I’m not. I was in a relationship for a long time but it didn’t work out. So right now I’m just enjoying being single.

Agent: Yes. Anyone else?

Hamilton:[deep voice] Yes. I have a question, my love.

[Hamilton holds a microphone, big tinted sunglasses, his 60’s style blond hairdo]

Gabourey Sidibe: Hamilton, what are you doing here?

Hamilton: I’ve come to ask for your black hand in marriage.

Gabourey Sidibe: Hamilton, this is not the time or the place for this.

Hamilton: If not us, who? If not now, when?

Gabourey Sidibe: Hamilton, I don’t think that you of all people should be quoting RFK.

Hamilton: Oh, it was RFK? I thought it was from “Birth of a Nation”. Well, whatever. You just take me back, my love.

Gabourey Sidibe: Hamilton, you are straight up crazy if you think I would ever go back with you.

Hamilton: Apparently you have forgotten how I used to captive you with my sensual dancing. How I spent long nights tracing passages from Robert Ludlum’s novels into your back with my penis.

Gabourey Sidibe: Hamilton, yes. We had some great times but I’ve moved on. I have a career now.

Hamilton: Well, I offer you the role of a lifetime. The role of my wife. Mrs. Hamilton Whiteman.

Gabourey Sidibe: Hamilton, don’t you get it? I’m a proud African-American woman. I can’t be with a person that thinks the way that you do.

Hamilton: Gabourey, I’m different now. With the changing of the guard in the White House. Or should I say Black House? [Hamilton looks to high five a black man next to him, black guy ignores him] I’ve realized that I must change my antiquated attitude about race relations.

Gabourey Sidibe: I find that hard to believe. Tell me one thing that you’ve done.

Hamilton: I saw your movie.

Gabourey Sidibe: You–, you saw “Precious”?

Hamilton: Yes, my Gab. I went to the local Magic Johnson movie theaters. I looked for a Larry Bird theater but it didn’t exist. Full disclosure. I was wearing riot gear and carrying my bayonet cane.

Gabourey Sidibe: Oh Hamilton, I’m so flattered. Tell me you liked the movie.

Hamilton: The black audience was talking to the screen 90% of it. But what I saw, I liked. What I saw, I liked.

Gabourey Sidibe: Hamilton, you don’t know how much that means to me. And I’m sorry that those people talked.

Hamilton: Don’t you call them “those people”.

Gabourey Sidibe: Oh, Ham. You really have changed.

Hamilton: Enough for you to take me back? Take me back.

Gabourey Sidibe: I’ll take you back. [with lust] And I’ll take your front.

Agent: You sure you wanna do that?

Gabourey Sidibe: I’ve never been more sure about anything in my life.

Hamilton: [approaches Gabourey at the table singing] Oh, I am with you, life is a Gabourey, my dear…life is a Gabourey. [kisses Gabourey hand] I love you.

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 20

09t: Gabourey Sidibe / MGMT

Goodnights

…..Gabourey Sadibe

Gabourey Sidibe: Thanks, MGMT! Thank you, SNL — you’re awesome! Happy Birthday, Chaz! This is AWESOME! This is my first SNL!! GOOOOOD NIIIIIGHTTTT!!

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 20


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

April 24th, 2010

Gabourey Sidibe

MGMT

None

None

John Mulaney


A Message from the President of the United StatesSummary: President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) comments on how his financial reforms were turned down.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.

Montage

Gabourey Sidibe’s MonologueSummary: Gabourey Sidibe sings a variant of “The Shoop Shoop Song” with the cast to applaud herself as an actress.

The Suze Orman ShowSummary: Suze Orman (Kristen Wiig) chats finances with Margaret Davis (Gaborey Sidibe).

Recurring Characters: Suze Orman.

Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?Summary: Substitute host Steve Harvey (Kenan Thompson) can’t seem to pronounce any of the answers.

Recurring Characters: Steve Harvey.

Transcript

Mrs. JohnsonSummary: Mrs. Johnson (Gabourey Sidibe) yells at boys (Kenan Thompson, Fred Armisen) chatting on the stoop.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg vs. Gabourey Sidibe in a “Cherry Battle”.

Transcript

I Did It In My StyleSummary: Danish actor (Fred Armisen) portrays FRank Sinatra in an unauthorized musical biography.

MGMT performs “Flash Delirium”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Travel writer Judy Grimes (Kristen Wiig) kids her way through the Iceland volcano. Stefon (Bill Hader) discusses trendy vacation spots for families. Writer John Mulaney comments on lack of year-round availability for girl scout cookies.

Recurring Characters: Judy Grimes, Stefon.

2010 Public Employee of the Year AwardsSummary: Public employees receive their due at awards ceremony, if they can be bothered to show up.

Alarm Clocks and MoreSummary: Tina Tina Chaneuse (Jenny Slate) and Randy Cool Randy (Gabourey Sidibe) display a variety of talking alarm clocks.

Recurring Characters: Tina Tina Sheneuse.

MGMT performs “Brian Eno”

A Conversation with Gabourey SidibeSummary: Gabourey Sidibe is intercepted by ex-boyfriend Hamilton (Will Forte)

Recurring Characters: Hamilton.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

BullySummary: A bully (Andy Samberg) is reduced to tears when his would-be victims don’t fall for his tough guy act.

PrenivaSummary: Sally Field (Abby Elliott) promotes the bone loss health solution for middle-aged women who are needlessly scared by their doctors.

Note: This commercial parody will eventually air on the season finale episode hosted by Alec Baldwin.

Broadway AuditionsSummary: A cleaning lady (Gabourey Sidibe) auditions for the role of an emotional Broadway singer.

BuffetSummary: Crashers (Gabourey Sidibe, Kenan Thompson) pretend to be doctors at a lecture so they feast on the provided buffet.

Party CrashersSummary: Party Crashers (Fred Armisen, Jenny Slate) tries to teach people how to properly crash a party.

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 19

09s: Ryan Phillippe / Ke$ha

Teen Talk

Roger Brush…..Fred Armisen
Leonard…..Bill Hader
Rudy…..Ryan Phillippe
Shelby…..Nasim Pedrad
Janelle…..Kristen Wiig
Toby…..Andy Samberg

[ open on program montage ]

Announcer: You’re watching “Teen Talk”, with Dr. Kathy Carson. The show that helps teen learn to deal with the problems and issues that face today’s teenager. Dr. Kathy is a licensed psychologist, with a unique ability to relate to teens on their level. And now, Dr. Kathy Carson.

[ dissolve to the set, where producer Roger Brush sits ]

Roger Brush: Yeah… Dr. Kathy is sick. I’m Roger Brush, I’m the producer of this show. Dr. Kathy’s fiance called to tell me it was coming out of both ends. She’s using a toilet and a tub — how about that! [ he smiles ] So I said, “Take the day off, I’m gonna cover the show.” Uh, let’s go to the audience and see who’s got a problem. Leonard, who do we have?

Leonard: This is Rudy. He’s 13.

Roger Brush: Look at all these teenagers! What’s your problem, kid?

Rudy: [ nervous ] Um… I noticed that… in gym class… a lot of guys are developing faster than me? Uh… when is it normal to get pubic hair?

Roger Brush: Buddy, I can’t hear a WORD you’re saying! You can’t — you can’t MUMBLE like that!

Rudy: [ shaking ] When should I be getting pubic hair?

Roger Brush: Kid! You have to get right up on that mike! Nobody can hear you!

Rudy: I’m embarrassed because I don’t have any pubic hair… is that normal?!

Roger Brush: [ bewildered ] You don’t have any pubic hair?! What kind of question is that?!

Leonard: He just needs some reassurance that this is a normal thing.

Roger Brush: Well, I don’t know HOW normal that is! Hell, when I was 12 I had a bush as big as a Hawaiian pineapple top! I mean, but that was the 70’s, so who knows? Does that help?

Rudy: N-no?

Roger Brush: Well, I don’t know what to tell ya’! I’m up here knocking myself out trying to help you! You’re up there saying — you’re looking at me, saying, “No!” You know, where does that leave me?! Who’s next?

Leonard: This is Shelby Winters, she’s 14.

Shelby: This is kind of embarrassing, but… I’m having trouble with acne.

Roger Brush: What?! Sweetheart! If you’re talking to me, I can’t hear a WORD you’re saying!

Shelby: I said, I’m having acne pimples? And it’s embarrassing, because I’m starting to find them in my armpits.

Roger Brush: Okay, I’m just going to say this out loud to EVERYBODY: You gotta get RIGHT UP on that mike and HOLLAR!! Otherwise, you’re wasting everybody’s time! Let’s — honey, let’s try that again!

Shelby: I’m saying I have pimples under my armpit.

Roger Brush: You got PIT BULLS?! What? Where?

Shelby: Nooooo! Pimples! Under my armpits!

Roger Brush: Sweetheart, that’s just gross! You — you know, you gotta CLEAN under there! You know, ask your mom to buy you a washcloth. Alright? Promise me that!

Shelby: That doesn’t sound like something Dr. Kathy would say…

Roger Brush: Well, I don’t know what to TELL ya’! Dr. Kathy isn’t here! She’s sick! All the magic in the world isn’t gonna make her appear! You got two choices: Either keep complaining, or write down my advice and go do it! Okay? I could CARE LESS!! [ he grins mischieviously ] Okay, sweetheart? Thank you! Who’s next?

Leonard: This is Janelle. Uh… she’s 15.

Janelle: [ mumbling ] Um… my family… just moved to northern Florida, and nobody at Todd Central High School will talk to me. How do I make friends?

Roger Brush: Oh — oh, I have a new rule: If I can’t hear you, we’re DONE!! NEXT!!

Leonard: This is Toby, uh… he’s 14 and a half.

Toby: Um… how do I put this? I think I rubbed my thing raw, and, you know, it’s hard to walk. Am I doing it too much, huh?

Roger Brush: I — I — I don’t want to hear about this, that’s DISGUSTING!!

Leonard: I think he just needs assurance that he’s not alone.

Toby: Yeah, you’re supposed to help me!

Roger Brush: Well — I don’t care to hear it! What you do on your own time is your own business!

Toby: But… it hurts!

Roger Brush: [ laughing and sputtering ] What do you want from me?! I don’t know! Play with it ’til it falls off!

Toby: [ aghast ] Wha…?

Roger Brush: Young man, you’re being RUDE! Okay, who’s next?

Leonard: [ looking around ] No one wants to go.

Roger Brush: Okay, good. You know what, I’m ready for a break, anyway. When we come back, fashion expert Toni St. Saint is gonna show us some prom fasions for the plus-size girl. [ bug-eyed ] What?! Good luck with that! Uhhh — [ he chuckles ] We’ll be right back!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 19

09s: Ryan Phillippe / Ke$ha

The Shake Weight Commercial DVD

Entrepreneur…..Bill Hader
Suburban Dad…..Bobby Moynihan
Testimonial 1…..Fred Armisen
Testimonial 3…..Andy Samberg
Testimonial 4…..Kenan Thompson
Testimonial 5…..Will Forte
Pink Tanktop Girl…..Kristen Wiig
Other Models…..Jenny Slate

[ open on images from the Shake Weight commercial ]

Entrepreneur: The Shake Weight. A revolutionary new way for women to shape and tone their arms. You’ve seen the commercial. Now… wouldn’t you like to see it again? If you’re like me, you can’t get enough of this Shake Weight commercial. At first, I couldn’t believe it was real. Then, I realized it was. Then, I made sure no one was around… [ a beat ] and then I did a third thing.

[ show scenes of a Suburban Dad frantically trying to catch the commercial on TV ]

Entrepreneur V/O: Until now, seeing the Shake Weight commercial has been inconvenient. You never know when it’s gonna be on. Sometimes, ou only catch the very end of it. And then, when it is on, your stupid kids are in the room.

Entrepreneur: But now, there is a convenient way to see the Shake Weight commercial — EVERY DAY! Introducing… [ he holds up a homemade disc ] The Shake Weight Commercial DVD. The lightweight DVD featuring the Shake Weight commercial three times on a loop, then some static, and then nothing else.

[ show Testimonial 1 in a corner box as the commercial plays ]

Testimonial 1: Oh yeah, this DVD’s great! First of all, you can show your friends it’s an actual commercial — that’s kind of cool. And the second reason… [ he practically salivates ] Yeah, if you don’t know the second reason… don’t bother getting the DVD.

[ show Suburban Dad in a corner box as the commercial plays ]

Suburban Dad: Me? I like the slo-mo parts. I guess, technically, they slow it down for science, but, really, it just gives you more time to imagine stuff.

Entrepreneur: The Shake Weight DVD comes in a variety of fake covers to keep your wife away. Like: “Saw V”… a “Three Stooges” movie … and “Sam Kinison: Live in Tempe”.

[ show Testimonial 3 in a corner box as the commercial plays ]

Testimonial 3: This DVD is great for ANYONE who likes to watch women get all porno with a gym weight.

[ show Testimonial 4 in a corner box as the commercial plays ]

Testimonial 4: I like that… forward lunge… reach back position. She looks like she’s about to run a marathon, but first she has to… help a guy out! That has no business being on free TV!

[ cut to Testimonial 5 ]

Testimonial 5: If I had to pick a favorite, it’s… uh… pink tanktop girl. Yeah!

[ reveal pink tanktop girl ]

[ show Testimonial 5 in a corner box as the commercial plays ]

Testimonial 5: Of all of them… you can tell she’s in on it.

[ the other testimonials appear in squares surrounding pink tanktop girl, and they’re all in agreement ]

Entrepreneur: Yes — she is in on it!

[ cut to product slide ]

Entrepreneur V/O: Get your Shake Weight Commercial DVD today! It’s fun to watch!

Entrepreneur: And, in its own weird way… [ he flexes one full-muscled arm ] a GREAT workout!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 19

09s: Ryan Phillippe / Ke$ha

Underground Rock Minute

Thrilla Killa Klown…..Ryan Phillippe
Ass Dan…..Bobby Moynihan
Lil Blaster…..Nasim Pedrad
DJ Super Soak…..Jason Sudeikis

FADE IN:

[ VARIOUS CRUDE ANIMATION DRAWINGS ]

Announcer: Stankmouth Soda presents the “Underground Rock Minute”!! Bringing you all the latest in underground rock and r-a-a-a-d-d!!!

[ TITLE: UNDERGROUND ROCK MINUTE ]

[ INT. UNDERGROUND ROCK MINUTE STUDIOS – DAY ]

[ DJ Super Soak & Lil’ Blaster stand side by side. ]

DJ Super Soak: Ha-ha! What’s up ninjas!? It’s DJ Super Soak again!

Lil Blaster: And I’m Lil’ Blaster!!

DJ Super Soak: Today, we’re gonna show you the new video from the Thrilla Killa Klownz!

[ Publicity still of ASS DAN and his THRILLA KILLA KLOWN partner. Both are wearing baggy, white clothes and matching facial paint and Asian inspired tattoos on their necks. ]

[ BACK TO STUDIO ]

Lil Blaster: You may know their previous violent songs like, “I’m Gonna Stab Ya Face!” and “Curb-Stomp Your Enthusiasm”.

DJ Super Soak: Ah!! Love that song! But this song takes the band in a whole new direction!

Lil Blaster: True, true… it’s got a positive message and yo! It makes you think!!

DJ Super Soak: That’s right! Here’s Thrilla Killa Klownz with “Magical Mysteries”.

[ CUT TO MUSIC VIDEO ]

[ CORNER TEXT: ]
[ THRILLA KILLA KLOWNZ ]
[ “MAGICAL MYSTERIES” ]
[ UNDER-UNDERGROUND RECORDS ]

Ass Dan: Ha-ha! There’s so many confusing things out there!

Thrilla Killa Klown: Well get your magnifying glasses out, ninjas! We’re going to take a closer look at life!!

Both: [singing]
“The world is full of magical mysteries,
Puzzles unsolved since ancient history.”

Ass Dan: [singing]
“Where does sand leave at night?”

[ Both men are in black and white pictures. ]

Thrilla Killa Klown: [singing]
“Did people used to really live in black and white?
Is the world round or is it flat?
How come no one can tell me that?”

Ass Dan: [singing]
“What’s with islands?
Get more land!!”

Thrilla Killa Klown: [singing]
“What’s with deserts?
Get less sand!!
What is Alaska?
Who is Brazil?
Isn’t a volcano just an angry hill?”

Ass Dan: [singing]
“How did God even think of dirt?
Erasable pens make my head hurt!”

Both: [singing]
“Metal, girls, iron, fire!
How’d they get my voice in a telephone wire!?”

Ass Dan: [singing]
“Why are pants different than shirts?”

Thrilla Killa Klown: [singing]
“Blankets!? How do they work?”

Chorus (V/O): “The world is full of mysteries…”

Ass Dan: Yo! How do suitcases always know where to meet you? Huh?

Chorus (V/O): “So many magical mysteries…”

Thrilla Killa Klown: Are kids small? Or just far away?”

Chorus (V/O): “So many magical mysteries…”

Ass Dan: Why do some mountains look like Presidents?

Thrilla Killa Klown: What the fuck is a clock?

Ass Dan: Now’s here’s a list of some stuff – –

Thrilla Killa Klown: [singing]
“Trees, swans, capes, a horse…”

Ass Dan: [singing]
“Triangles, witches…”

[ Another horse appears. ]

Thrilla Killa Klown: [singing]
“A different horse!”

Ass Dan: [singing]
“The world has 10,000 people…”

Thrilla Killa Klown: [singing]
“And Santa Claus created all of us equal…”

[ A young boy & girl are dressed like Ass Dan. ]

Thrilla Killa Klown: [singing]
“Ass Dan’s kids look just like Ass Dan!”

[ Two similar dressed kids are next to Ass Dan. ]

Thrilla Killa Klown: [singing]
“And my two kids just look like Ass Dan!”

[ Thrilla ponders on the lyric he just recited. ]

Ass Dan: [singing]
“So with every note, let it bounce off your brain!!”

Thrilla Killa Klown: [singing]
“The mysteries of life can’t be explained!”

Ass Dan: [singing]
“So fuck you books!
We don’t need your tricks!”

[ Thrilla grabs his crotch. ]

Thrilla Killa Klown: [singing]
“And all you scientists
Can suck on this!”

[ Both men shake hands. ]

Ass Dan: Ah yeah, ninjas!!!

Thrilla Killa Klown: Life is a beautiful thing!

Ass Dan: Take two, fresh! Ass Dan! 2010! Ha-ha!

[ EXTREME CLOSE-UP OF ASS DAN ]

Ass Dan: I’m gonna live forever! Ha-ha!

[ FREEZE FRAME IN B/W ]

[ SOMBER MUSIC ]

[ SUPER: “ASS” DAN, 1981-2010 ]

[ BACK IN STUDIO ]

DJ Super Soak: Oh yeah! Oh yeah! That was tight! But for real, on a serious note, Ass Dan did just die while we were playing that video there.

[ Lil’ Blaster’s fighting back the tears. ]

Lil Blaster: [quivering] Whoop-whoop!

DJ Super Soak: That’s all the time we got for the “Underground Rock Minute”!

Lil Blaster: I’m Lil’ Blaster!

DJ Super Soak: And I’m DJ Super Soak! Get your crunk on! Whoo-hoo-hoo!!!

[ A BLACK AND WHITE PHOTO OF DJ SUPER SOAK ]

[ SOMBER MUSIC ]

[ SUPER: IN MEMORY, DJ SUPER SOAK, 1974-2010 ]

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 19

09s: Ryan Phillippe / Ke$ha

Mort Mort Feingold: Accountant to the Stars

Mort Mort Feingold…..Andy Samberg
Kate Gosselin…..Kristen Wiig
John Edwards…..Will Forte
Tyler Perry…..Kenan Thompson
Shaun White…..Abby Elliott
Robert Pattinson…..Ryan Phillippe
Kristen Stewart…..Jenny Slate
Susan Boyle…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on title card ]

Jingle: “Mort Mort Feingold, Celebrity Accountant, doing taxes for the stars!”

Mort Mort Feingold: [ in circle ] That’s me!

[ dissolve to Feingold’s office door ]

[ dissolve to Feingold seated behind a desk swamped with stacks of tax papers ]

Mort Mort Feingold: Okay, Kate Gosselin!

[ reveal a frowny-faced Kate Gosselin ]

Mort Mort Feingold: Wait! Are you angry with me?

Kate Gosselin: No, I just look like this.

Mort Mort Feingold: Ah! Of course, you do. Okay, let’s look at your 2009 tax returns. Now, uh, let’s see — it says here that you listed only one dependent? Uh — and it’s your dance partner.

Kate Gosselin: That’s right.

Mort Mort Feingold: But, honey, you have eight children.

Kate Gosselin: No, I’m not on that show any more. I’m on a dancing show now.

Mort Mort Feingold: Uh-oh! Tova, call Social Services!

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: “Elite! Discreet! Can’t be beat! Mort Mort Feingold, accountant for the stars!”

[ dissolve to Feingold seated behind a desk swamped with stacks of tax papers ]

Mort Mort Feingold: Okay, John Edwards!

[ reveal a smiling John Edwards ]

John Edwards: Hi there, Mort Mort!

Mort Mort Feingold: Alright. Let’s see — under Dependents, you made two columns: Secret and Regular.

John Edwards: Yes, I did!

Mort Mort Feingold: And your marital status has changed from Married to… Disgusting!

John Edwards: [ bragging joyfully ] Well, I made a sex tape with a pregnant woman!

Mort Mort Feingold: Oh, that is disgusting, yes. Well, there’s a change of address. First, you wrote “The White House”, then that’s crossed off… and then it says “Edwards’ Residence”, and that’s crossed off… and then it just says “The Marriott, near 67 Highway”. That’s a bad Marriott, John!

John Edwards: I have to pay to use the toilet!

Mort Mort Feingold: Oo-ooh! I think we can write that OFF!!

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: “He’s a gem, he’s a find, when you’re in a bind! He’s Mort Mort Feingold, accountant for the stars!”

[ dissolve to Feingold seated behind a desk swamped with stacks of tax papers ]

Mort Mort Feingold: Alright, Tyler Perry!

[ reveal Tyler Perry ]

Tyler Perry: Hello-o-o!

Mort Mort Feingold: Your income this year was: [ he opens a folder ] WOWIE-ZOWIE!! Two billion dollars!! How did you earn that?!

Tyler Perry: Well, I have two successful TV shows, and I made four hit movies about values.

Mort Mort Feingold: Then, how come I’ve never heard of any of them?

Tyler Perry: Because you’re a tiny white man!

Mort Mort Feingold: [ nodding ] Guilty as charged!

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: “He aims to please, for VIPs! Crunching the numbers is a breeze!”

[ dissolve to Feingold seated behind a desk swamped with stacks of tax papers ]

Mort Mort Feingold: Okay, Shaun White, you had a big year in ’09!

[ reveal a hipster doofy Shaun White ]

Shaun White: That’s right, bra! Ha-haa!

Mort Mort Feingold: Okay. Uh, now what is it that you do again?

Shaun White: I’m a snowboarder You know, I do TRICKS, like the Mule Kick, ha haaa!

Mort Mort Feingold: Ah-ha. And that’s your full-time job and your only source of income?

Shaun White: For reals! Ah-ha-ha-haaaa!

Mort Mort Feingold: Right, right… Well, let me give you some financial advice: [ he picks up a megaphone and yells ] SAVE YOUR MONEY!!! Wow! I haven’t brought out the megaphone since Obama Girl!

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: “He says what he means! He smells like sardines! Mort Mort Feingold: the man loves sardines!”

[ dissolve to Feingold seated behind a desk facing Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson ]

Mort Mort Feingold: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart! It says here you made MILLIONS on those vampire movies!

Robert Pattinson: Yes, but what I really want to do are those serious dramas, like “Remember Me”…

Mort Mort Feingold: Yeah, yeah, no one cares! Look, you make TOO much money to look this terrible! Sweetie, why don’t you get your boyfriend a new set of clothes?

Kristen Stewart: We never said we were dating.

Mort Mort Feingold: Okay, but you are. Shush, shush, shush, shush! Robert, you walk around with a wet head like that, you’re gonna catch a cold! And quit slouching! You’re making sit up straight money on these, uh… [ he consults his folder ] What do you call these movies?

Robert Pattinson: “Twilight”.

Mort Mort Feingold: “Twlight”? Oh, that reminds me: I gotta be home before sundown! [ he smiles ]

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: “He’s worked for Brandos! He’s worked for Randos! Mort Mort Feingold has a place in Orlando!”

[ dissolve to Feingold seated behind a desk swamped with stacks of tax papers ]

Mort Mort Feingold: Well, well! Mel Gibson!

[ reveal a glum Mel Gibson ]

Mort Mort Feingold: You made a movie this year, you’re working again, and you need an accountant!

Mel Gibson: [ pleading ] Look, Mort, I’m willing to pay you fifteen per cent.

Mort Mort Feingold: NO!! Not after the things you said! You perpetuated VILE stereotypes about the Jewish people and for that I will NEVER work with you!!

Mel Gibson: [ desperate ] SIXTEEN per cent!

Mort Mort Feingold: [ holds his pose, them smiles ] Me-e-e-e-e-ellll!!!

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: “He works for you, he’s four foot two! Mort Mort Feingold, accountant for the stars!”

[ dissolve to Feingold seated behind a desk swamped with stacks of tax papers ]

Mort Mort Feingold: Okay, Susan Boyle!

[ reveal the manly-looking Susan Boyle ]

Susan Boyle: Hi!

Mort Mort Feingold: So, it says here that your income for 2008 was: [ he opens a folder ] One dollar!

Susan Boyle: Aye.

Mort Mort Feingold: And your income for 2009 was: [ he looks in the folder ] CORNED BEEF!! $900 million dollars!!

Susan Boyle: [ humbly ] It was.

Mort Mort Feingold: Okay. And then for 2010 your projected income is again: one dollar!

Susan Boyle: That sounds right.

Mort Mort Feingold: Well, here’s some good news: I was able to legally classify all your record sales as charity!

Susan Boyle: [ singing ] “I dreamed a dreeeeeeammmm!!”

Mort Mort Feingold: You certainly did, you bruiser!

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: “Mort Mort Feingold!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 19

09s: Ryan Phillippe / Ke$ha

Goodnights

…..Ryan Phillippe

Ryan Phillippe: My thanks to Ke$ha, the legendary Lorne Michaels, the cast and crew and writers of “Saturday Night Live”! I had the best week! Happy birthday, Dad!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 19

09s: Ryan Phillippe / Ke$ha

Today Sponge Women’s Weightlifting Championship 1986

Pete Twinkle…..Jason Sudeikis
Greg Stink…..Will Forte
Sue Ferrigno…..Kristen Wiig
Olivia Newton Cougar Mellencamp…..Ryan Phillippe

[open on ESPN Classic logo ]

Announcer: You’re watching ESPN Classic.

Pete Twinkle V/O: If you like ladies strong as an ox and look like one too, then you’ve come to the right place. It’s the Today Sponge Women’s Weightlifting Championships and this show down is sure to please. Featuring rookie sensation Sue Ferrigno and she’s up against the Minnesota muscle hound Olivia Newton Cougar Mellencamp.

[dissolve to commentators Pete Twinkle and Greg Stink at the booth ]

Pete Twinkle: Happy Wednesday. I’m Pete Twinkle and seated next to me as always with the exception of last week when he was out with a devastated stomach bug Greg Stink.

Greg Stink: (nasally) Ah, thanks, Pete! I’m almost 100% and I learned a valuable lesson in the process. Not going to drink pond water anymore when I go hiking with my parents.

Pete Twinkle: Ha Ha Ha Ha! Alright. How are Patty and Reb?

Greg Stink: Oh going threw a trial separation but I think there going to make. The sex is JUST too good.

Pete Twinkle: Ha Ha Ha Ha! Alright. Well Hey why don’t we check in with this morning’s competitors. First up she’s lean she’s mean and she gunning for an upset it’s Sue Ferrigno.

[Camera cuts to Sue Ferrigno roughtly applying gymnast chalk on both hands.]

Pete Twinkle V/O: Now it looks like Sue is really really chalking up those hands. Huh! How about that?

[Camera cuts back to Pete Twinkle and Greg Stink]

Pete Twinkle: Uh Greg talk to me. How crucial is that rosin?

[Pete Twinkle looks over to Greg Stink]

Greg Stink: I do not know what any of those words mean.

Pete Twinkle: Ha Ha! You know what? Let’s check out her opponent Olivia Newton Cougar Mellencamp.

[Camera cuts to Olivia Newton Cougar Mellencamp applying lip stick]

Pete Twinkle V/O: And she appears to be putting on some lipstick there, that’s her trademark she loves to look good for these matches.

[Camera cuts back to Pete Twinkle and Greg Stink]

Greg Stink: And boy oh boy she does.

Pete Twinkle: Uhhum!

Greg Stink: Good thing I’m sitting down behind this desk because.. Pete Pete you can see it?

[Greg Stink is facing Pete Stink and wants Pete to look at his genitals.]

Greg Stink: Look at me. Come on!

[Pete Twinkle is facing the camera and doesn’t want to look over at Greg]

Pete Twinkle: (laughing) Nah! I’m ok buddy

Greg Stink: Are you sure?

Pete Twinkle: YA! I’m sure.

[Greg Stink turns to face the camera. Pete Twinkle tries to take a peek at Greg’s genital when he is not looking.]

Pete Twinkle: Hey a quick SHOUT-OUT to our sponsor… the today contraceptive sponge. “Put a baby blocker in your lady locker”. Today’s sponge contraceptive. Now it looks like Sue Ferrigno is getting into position. Now Greg how much does that thing weigh?

Greg Stink: Well… It’s a sponge so it’s probably pretty light. Definitely less than a pound but then post intercourse…

Pete Twinkle: No No No! Greg Whoa hold on. No I’m sorry buddy. Sorry that’s my fault. I wasn’t asking how much a fine product like the Today’s sponge weighs. No I was asking.. eh… How much does that barbell weigh?

Greg Stink: Oh I don’t know! 100,000 pounds?

Pete Twinkle: 100,000? Greg I think you may be way off on that. It’s probably more like.. I don’t know… a couple of hundred pounds.

Greg Stink: Oh Ok?

Pete Twinkle: Alright. Ok. Uh!

[Pete Twinkle looks over at Greg and amazed by how stupid the answer Greg Stink gave]

Pete Twinkle: Why don’t we go down to the floor?

[Camera cuts to Sue Ferrigno getting ready to lift the weights. ]

Pete Twinkle V/O: Alrighty, here she goes.

[Sue leans over and lifts the weights to her chest]

Pete Twinkle V/O: Nice Form

[Sue lifts the weights above her head and yells.]

Pete Twinkle V/O: Oh and she does it with ease.

[Sue drops the weights and starts to dance in celebration]

Pete Twinkle V/O: Oh look. Oh Look at that. Ferrigno. I tell you what. The crowd LOVES her.

Greg Stink: OH!

[Camera cuts back to Pete Twinkle and Greg Stink]

Greg Stink: She is soaking it up.

Pete Twinkle: mmHm. Speaking of soaking it up… The Today’s Sponge. [pause] Trying to avoid the stork? Well us this little VAGINA cork. Today’s Sponge. 80% AFFECTIVE! Ha Ha. Looks like Cougar Mellencamp is stepping up to the mat.

[Camera cuts to Olivia Newton Cougar Mellencamp getting ready to lift the weights.]

Pete Twinkle V/O: Now she is… uh… She is really shaking it out before her lift huh?

[Camera cuts back to Pete Twinkle and Greg Stink]

Pete Twinkle: Look at this huh? Greg when it comes to women’s weight lifting, what can you tell me about that outfit?

Greg Stink: Well it’s basically a black tuxedo jacket, bow tie, corduroy shorts, purple socks, sandals…

Pete Twinkle: No No No hold on. Hold on there Greg. I think we got our wires crossed a little bit. I was talking about the unitard.

Greg Stink: Look I don’t know a lot of stuff about a lot of stuff but uh.. There is no reason to call me a name like that.

Pete Twinkle: No No No Buddy I’m sorry. No Greg of course not. I would never do such a thing. Unitard is the uniform they are wearing.

Greg Stink: OHHHHH (chuckles)

Pete Twinkle: Ya ok now your getting it. There it goes. Hey! Here is something else you should get? The Today’s Sponge. Can’t keep your legs shut? Well put one of these little babies in your front butt. [Long Pause] TODAY’S SPONGE CONTRACEPTIVE DEVICE. Looks like Olivia Newton Cougar Mellencamp is ready to lift.

[Camera cuts to Olivia Newton Cougar Mellencamp getting ready to lift the weights]

Pete Twinkle V/O: Alright she’s gotta plant those feet.

[Olivia Newton Cougar Mellencamp lifts the bar to her chest.]

Pete Twinkle V/O: Don’t have it quite yet. No control. Doesn’t have it quite yet.

[Olivia Newton Cougar Mellencamp is struggling to raise the weights over her head. She finally is able to raise the weight over her head.]

Pete Twinkle V/O: She’s done it. She’s done it. Look at that. She is celebrating up a storm.

[Camera cuts to Pete Twinkle and Greg Stink]

Pete Twinkle: The epitome of femininity.

Greg Stink: Ooooh Ohhh she is a beautiful lady. I have never felt this way about a woman before.

Pete Twinkle: Oh ya? What do you love about her?

Greg Stink: Her shoulders, those tree trunk thighs and she is just full of spunk

Pete Twinkle: Hey! Talking about being full of spunk… Today’s Sponge. We will be right back.

[ Closes on ESPN Classic logo ]

[Fade]

Submitted: by: Jubei “Guy” Kibagami

SNL Transcripts