Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 6
The Blizzard Man
Blizzard Man…..Andy Samberg
Woman: Luda? Uh, the album is hot, but I still feel like we’re missing that club-banger to kick things off with.
Man: Yeah, we’re feeling track 5, but we still think it needs a stronger hook.
Ludacris: You know what, I agree, but not to worry. I made some calls, and I got just the man for the job.
Woman: Oh, really, who’d you get?
Ludacris: Well, it’s this crazy R&B cat that I know, man, he calls himself: the Blizzard Man.
Engineer: Oh, the Blizzard Man!
Ludacris: Oh, yeah.
Engineer: I thought he was just a made-up legend, like the Loch Ness Monster.
Ludacris: Oh, no, man, he’s real. I heard him at this underground club, and when I tell you he’s amazin’, I mean, he is amazing. I told him to come by today to lay somethin’ down.
Man: Wow. Sounds great.
Ludacris: Oh, yeah.[door buzzer goes off]
Ludacris: See? That must be him right there. Hold on.
Ludacris: Blizz! Ha-ha![Enter Blizzard Man, a white guy with blow-dry hair in a black and tan jacket. They exchange a hip-hop handshake.]
Ludacris: What’s goin’ on, brother?
Blizzard Man: How are ya?
Ludacris: All right, everybody, this is Blizzard Man.
Woman: [politely] Hi, there.
Ludacris: That’s right, you ready to do this, man?
Blizzard Man: [softly] Yeah, most definitely.
Ludacris: Let’s get it done! C’mon.[Ludacris ushers Blizzard Man into the recording booth. The others look at each other quizzically.]
Engineer: Wow! So that’s him, huh?
Ludacris: Yeah. I know what you’re thinkin’… but I gotta tell y’all, I do not judge a book by its cover, my man can blow, he’s like the next Nate Dog. Straight up.
Man: [chuckles] Now you’re talkin’ my language, Luda!
Ludacris: [bends over toward microphone] All right, Blizz, now check this out, man. We gonna just let the beat ride, and you see what you feel. Now, you do whatever you wanna do, all right?
Blizzard Man: All right, cool, cool.[A hip-hop track starts playing as Blizzard Man cups his hands over his headphones and starts rocking to the beat.]
Blizzard Man: Yeah. Yo, yo, yo, I’m ’bout to set it, yo. [to engineer] Turn on the headphones?[Grudgingly, the engineer turns them on.]
Blizzard Man: C’mon. Check my style out.[As the beat keeps going, Blizzard Man launches full-tilt into his rap, off-key and out of sync.]
Blizzard Man: Rap song, rap song,
We do our raps and then the crowd goes wild!
And then it’s time for the “after” party,
And we hang out and do lots of sex with girls! Yo.
Ludacris: [in approval] Hear. That’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout, man.[cheers and applause]
Ludacris: Hell, yeah. Hear.[laughter]
Engineer: Man, what was that?!
Ludacris: I know, right, my man, he’s a straight genius, right off the bat! That’s like one take, dog.
Engineer: No, no.
Ludacris: One take!
Engineer: No, no. That was terrible!
Woman: Yeah. That was absolutely horrible.
Man: That was really bad.
Ludacris: What’re y’all talkin about, that was off the chain, man, single material right there. Y’know what I’m sayin’? But anyway, my man’s just gettin’ warmed up. Trust me, check this out, you will believe in just a minute. [into microphone] Hey! Yo, Blizz, let’s do it again, baby!
Blizzard Man: All right.
Ludacris: All right.[track resumes]
Blizzard Man: Yo. Here we go.
History in the making!
Check my style out.
Doin’ raps and goin’ to parties,
That’s basically what we’re all about!
We’re super-famous, so the ladies let us hump them,
And also we drink expensive champagne!
Yo, where’s my money at?
Ludacris: WHOOO!! Whooo, hoo-hoo! Hear! That’s what I’m doin’, man. Hear!
Engineer: [pounds fist] NO!
Ludacris: What’re you doing, man? Why’d you cut the music off? He was just killin’ there!
Woman: Are you serious?
Man: Yeah. He sounds like my grandfather.
Ludacris: Well, then your… [laughter] Your grandfather must have been Marvin Gaye mixed with a little Stevie Wonder, ’cause my man is changing the straight game, man! Look at him![CUT to Blizzard Man gazing slack-jawed into space for several seconds.]
Ludacris: You just gotta let him get loose, man. Watch: I’m gonna do it one more time, and trust me, you will see a hit. Watch this right here. [into microphone] Blizz? One more time. Just let it flow, all right?
Blizzard Man: All right.
Ludacris: Come on, Blizzy B.[track resumes]
Blizzard Man: Yo. Off the tone.
Put your tape decks on “Record”!
Blizzard Man: Yo, then it happened.
Check my style out.
Blizzard Man: We rap all the time.
Oh, we are so good at rapping!
Who wants to mess with us?
You’ll totally get shot with a gun!
Blizzard Man: Don’t you be a jerk.
It’s bad for the party, and the ladies get scared!
Here, you smoke this doobie!
Let’s all cool out and get in the hot tub!
Blizzard Man: What a fancy shindig,
There are some real bodacious babes!
They see our soggy trunks!
And they shake their boobies, and my thingie gets excited!
Man: You know what? This actually might work.
Ludacris: Aha! I told ya, that’s what I’m talking about, I said sign him, right? I said sign him. High-five.
Woman: High-five![They all slap hands.]
Ludacris: That’s what I’m talking about. Yo! Yeah, baby! Hear![FADE to a “Billboard” chart which reads, “LEAST BOUGHT ALBUMS.” Coming in at #1 is “Ludacris F/The Blizzard Man,” with “Rap Song.” Other entries include “Miracle ‘Gro” with “Slacks ‘n’ Pants,” “Joe and Margie” with “Fart Parade,” and “Bing Bong Brothers” with “Wait (You Guys).” HOLD on the chart for several seconds, then FADE to black over applause.]
Submitted by: Sean