SNL Transcripts: Drew Barrymore: 02/03/07: Firestarter Smoked Sausages

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 12

06l: Drew Barrymore / Lily Allen

Firestarter Smoked Sausages

Charlie McGee…..Drew Barrymore
Lonny San Fransisco…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on slow pan across hot dogs on a grill ]

Lonny San Fransisco V/O: [ singing ]“The tasty smell of saus-age
Grilled fresh for your family’s MOUTH!”

[ pan upward and rests on Charlie McGee standing over the grill ]

Charlie McGee: Hi! I’m Charlie McGee. But you probably know me better.. as Firestarter.

[ close-up movie footage of Charlie from “Firestarter” swoops over the scene ]

Charlie McGee: That was a long time ago, and now I’ve got something that I’m really excited about: [ holds up product ] Firestarter Brand Smoked Sausages!

[ dissolve to Loony standing in front of footage of sausages smoking on the grill ]

Lonny San Fransisco: [ singing ]“Firestarter Brand Smoked Sausages
Cooked in fires, she starts, with her mi-ind!”

[ dissolve back to Charlie ]

Charlie McGee: When I was a kid, there was nothing I loved MORE than the smell of my mama’s home-cooked sausages. But, after she was killed by crazy, one-eyed assassin, John Raiford, and a team of rogue, government scientists, a lot of pretty crazy things happened. See, my parents had been using top-secret mental experiments back in the 60’s, which, in turn, gave me the ability to start fires with my mind. Anyway, the government wanted to murder my whole family. [ shrugs ] [ dissolve back to Loony standing in front of footage of sausages smoking on the grill ]

Lonny San Fransisco: [ singing ]“Plumpin’ saus-ages in the smo-o-oke-house
Crammed FULL, of savory meats!”

[ dissolve back to Charlie ]

Charlie McGee: But, with the love and support of my husband and semi-professional song stylist, Lonny San Fransisco — [ Lonny steps forward, grinning wide ] I used my talents to start Firestarter Brand Smoked Sausages!

Lonny San Fransisco: [ singing ]“Slide the cas-ing through your moi-oist lips
A joint-less fin-ger, made of PORK!”

Charlie still doesn’t have a lot of control over her abilities. Case in point! [ holds up a hook arm and laughs ]

Charlie McGee: Sorry — [ attempts to comfort Lonny with a pat on that arm, but he finches away. ]

Lonny San Fransisco: Hey, hey!

[ singing ]“Feel the HOT grease in your whi-iskers
Chin SLICK, like a bald man’s head!”

Charlie McGee: We use the finest pork shoulder in EACH and EVERY Firestarter Sausage, and then slowly roast them over a mesquite wood fire — [ her hair suddenly rises in a burst of wind, and her face glows red ] that I start with my mind! [ she blows, as things return to normal ] They’re the SAUSIGIEST! [ smiles ]

Lonny San Fransisco: [ singing ]“Firestarter Brand Smoked Sausages
‘Cause the government, screwed up, her bra-ain!”

[ points his hook over the grill ] Where there’s smoke, there’s fire!

[ Charlie stares at the grill, concentrates, as a big ball of flame jumps at Lonny ]

Lonny San Fransisco: [ screams ] COME ON!!!

Charlie McGee: I’m sorry! I’m sorry!

[ Lonny keeps his distance from Charlie ] [ product slide swops forward ]

Announcer: Firestarter Brand Smoked Sausages. Smoked with fires she starts with her mind.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ludacris: 11/18/06: Ludacris’ Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 6

06f: Ludacris

Ludacris’ Monologue

Ricdiculous…..Kenan Thompson

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen – Chris “Lou-day-chris” Bridges.

[ the audience cheers ]

Ludacris: Thank you very much. Well, well, well – it’s about damn time! This is my first time hosting “SNL”, and I must say it is an honor. A’ight? Now, some of you may know me as Chris Bridges from the movie “Crash.” A’ight? [ audience applauds ] Though, most of you know me as Ludacris, whose album, Release Therapy, just happened to go platinum just last week. [ audience cheers ]

See now, of course, I learned the hard way that when someone asks your name, you know, you don’t always say Ludacris.

For example – I’ll give you an example: if I meet a girl at a club, my name is Ludacris; but when I meet her parents, it’s Chris Bridges. A’ight?

When I’m in a studio, it’s always Ludacris; but when I’m applying for a bank loan, I tend to stick with Chris Bridges.

If I’m stopped by the cops, I’m Chris Bridges; If I’m stopped by a black cop, I’m Ludacris. [ audience laughs and cheers ]

Now, you know, I chose the name Ludacris because, you know, that’s how I flow. That’s my style. It’s original, and it’s one-hundred per cent Ludacris. Believe me when I tell you —

Voice: Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo!

[ a fellow rapper, dressed as his own persona, joins Ludacris on stage ]

Ricdiculous: Say – original? I beg to differ!

Ludacris: Everybody, this is Rick Barnes. We grew up together in Atlanta, Georgia.[ kisses his fingertips and holds it in front of Ludacris’ face ] What’s my name, yo?

Ludacris: Rick Barnes.

Ricdiculous: Ah – no! What’s my name?

Ludacris: Rick Barnes.

Ricdiculous: Ah – uh-uh! It’s — ? [ holds his hand up to his ear ]

Ludacris: [ surrenders ] Ricdiculous.

Ricdiculous: Shyeah! Ricdiculous! Yeah, you know you straight up stole my style, son! Yo! Can I get a beat?!

Ludacris: No, you cannot! Now, can you get off the stage, please?

Ricdiculous: Oh, that’s cool, that’s cool – I’ll make one myself! [ makes beat sound effects, begins rapping ]“I’m Ricdiculous, and I’m here to say:
I’m the best rapper in the USA!”

Ludacris: Hold on, hold – wait, wait, wat. Why are you dressed like that, man?

Ricdiculous: Well, obviously, I have an interview. A job interview. It’s at a combination Taco Bell-Pizza Hut, so, techincally, it was two interviews!

Ludacris: Look, look – I know we grew up together, but this is ridiculous —

Ricdiculous: That’s right! Ricdiculous in da house! Yeaaaaahhhhh!! Oh! [ holds up his hand ] Can I get a hand? No? I can’t get it? None of that? That’s cool. [ lowers his hand ]

Ludacris: This is not the best time, okay? You see, I’m trying to do my —

Ricdiculous: Oh! Oh! Oh! My fault! My fault! I forgot – you BIG tme now! You can’t talk to an old friend.

Ludacris: Fine – what do you want to talk about, man? Huh? What do you want to —

[ cell phone rings ]

Ricdiculous: Oh, snap! Hold that thought, brother – I am going off! Whoo! [ pulls out oversized cell phone and stretches the antenna out as far as it can go ] Uh-huh? Yeah. Yeah, that’s fantastic! Okay, you won’t regret this! [ hangs up his cell phone ] Man! Looks like somebody don’t need a job after-rall, brother! That was NWA!

Ludacris: What? The NWA hasn’t been together since ’91.

Ricdiculous: Well, I meant NWA as in North West airlines. Yeah, they hired me as a baggage handler. Newark, Terminal C, y’all!

Ludacris: Alright, look, we got a great show tonight, Ludacris is here —

Ricdiculous: Ricdiculous!

Ludacris: Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ludacris: 11/18/06: Ludacris performs “Money Maker”

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 6

06f: Ludacris

Ludacris performs “Money Maker”

…..Amy Poehler
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Kristin Wiig

(As the Ludacris bumper fades, we open on Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph and Kristin Wiig who are dressed in turkey costumes)

Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph, Kristin Wiig: Ladies and gentlemen – LUDACRIS!

(We pan over to the stage with Pharrell, Ludacris, and his dancers)

Ludacris: Saturday Night – what up!

“Shake your money maker, like somebody’s about to pay ya
I see you on my radar, don’t you act like you’re a faker – oh!

You know I got it, if you wanna come get it
Stand next to this money, like hey hey hey.

Shake your money maker, like somebody’s about to pay ya
Don’t worry about them haters, keep your nose up in the air.

You know I got it, if you wanna come get it
Stand next to this money, like hey hey hey.

Shake, shake, shake your money maker
Like you are shaking it for some paper
It took your mama nine months to make ya
You might as well shake what your mama gave ya
Now, you – you lookin’ good in them jeans
I bet you look even better with me in between
I keep my mind on my money, money on my mind
But you is a hell of a distraction when you shake your behind
I got — on my right side, pourin’ some cups
My whole hood is to my left
And they ain’t givin a —
So feel free to get loose, and get carried away
So by tomorrow you forget what you were saying today
But don’t forget about this feeling that I am making you get
And all the calories you burn, from me making you sweat
The mile high points you earn when we taking my jet
And how everywhere you turn I’ll be making you —
Cause you can.

Shake your money maker, like somebody about to pay ya
I see you on my radar, don’t you act like you’re a faker.

You know I got it, if you wanna come get it
Stand next to this money, like hey hey hey.

Shake your money maker, like somebody about to pay ya
Don’t worry about them haters, keep your nose up in the air.

You know I got it, if you wanna come get it
Stand next to this money, like hey hey hey.

Switch, switch, switch it from right to left
And switch it till you running right out of breath
And take a break until you ready again
And you can invite over as many friends as you want to
but I really want you and just
Be thankful that Pharrell gave you something to bump to
Hey, Luda! I’m at the top of my game
You want my hands from your bottom to the top of your frame
And I, just wanna take a little ride on your curves
And get erotic giving your body just what it deserves
And let me give you some swimming lessons on the —
Backstroke, breaststroke, stroke of a genius
Yep, call me the Renaissance man
Get up, and I stay harder than a cinderblock man, hey
I’m just a bedroom gangster
And I be mean in tell ya that I really must thank ya when ya.

Shake your money maker, like somebody about to pay ya
I see you on my radar, don’t you act like you’re a faker, she…

You know I got it, if you wanna come get it
Stand next to this money, like hey hey hey.

Shake your money maker, like somebody about to pay ya
Don’t worry about them haters, keep your nose up in the air.

You know I got it, if you wanna come get it
Stand next to this money, like hey hey hey.

Rock, rock, rock it and make it work, girl
Please don’t stop it until it hurt, girl
You, you been looking a little tipsy
So if you put just shake it a little this way
I’m a member of the BBC
The original breadwinner of DTP
You the center of attention that’s distracting the squad
Cause everybody in the campus is like, oh my god! She could…

Shake your money maker, like somebody about to pay you
I see you on my radar, don’t you act like you’re a faker, she…

You know I got it, if you wanna come get it
Stand next to this money, like hey hey hey.

Shake your money maker, like somebody about to pay you
Don’t worry about them haters, keep your nose up in the air.

You know I got it, if you wanna come get it
Stand next to this money, like hey hey hey.”

(applause and fade)

Submitted by: Dirk Noel

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ludacris: 11/18/06: Ludacris and Mary J. Blige perform “Runaway Love”

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 6

06f: Ludacris

Ludacris and Mary J. Blige perform “Runaway Love”

…..Aenan Thompson
…..Mary J. Blige

Kenan Thompson: Once again – Ludacris!

Mary J. Blige: “Runaway love.”

Ludacris: Hey!

Mary J. Blige: “Runaway love.”

Ludacris: Whoo!

Mary J. Blige: “Runaway love.”

Ludacris: Okay!

Mary J. Blige: “Runaway love.”

Ludacris: Runaway, runaway!

Mary J. Blige: “Runaway love.”

Ludacris: Release therapy, baby!

Mary J. Blige:
“Runaway love
Runaway love
Runaway love
Runaway love.”

“Now little Lisa is only nine years old
She’s steady tryin’ to figure why the world is so cold
Why she’s all alone and they never met her family
Mama’s always gone and she never met her daddy
Part of her is missin’ and nobody will listen
Mama is on drugs getting’ high up in the kitchen
Bringin’ home men at different hours of the night
Startin’ with some laughs – usually endin’ in a fight
Sneak into her room while her mama’s knocked out
Tryin’ to have his way and little Lisa says “Ouch”
She tries to resist but then all he does is beat her
Tries to tell her mom but her mama don’t believe her
Lisa is stuck up in the world on her own
Forced to think that hell is a place called home
Nothin else to do but some get some clothes and pack
She says she’s ’bout to run away and never come back – hey!”

Mary J. Blige:
“Runaway love
Runaway, runaway, runaway
Runaway love
Runaway, runaway, runaway
Runaway love
Runaway, runaway, runaway
Runaway love.”

“Little Nicole is only ten years old
She’s steady tryin’ to figure why the world is so cold
Why she’s not pretty and nobody seems to like her
Alcoholic stepdad always wanna strike her
Yells and abuses, leaves her with some bruises
Teachers ask questions she makin’ up excuses
Bleedin’ on the inside, cryin’ on the out
It’s only one girl really knows what she about
Her name is little Stacy and they become friends
Promise that they always be tight ‘til the end
Until one day, little Stacy gets shot
A drive-by bullet went stray up on her block
Now Nicole stuck up in the world on her own
Forced to think that hell is a place called home
Nothin else to do but some get some clothes and pack
She says she’s ’bout to run away and never come back – hey!”

Mary J. Blige:
“Runaway love
Runaway, runaway, runaway
Runaway love
Don’t keep running
Runaway love.”

“Little Erica is eleven years old
She’s steady tryin’ to figure why the world is so cold
So she pops “X” to get rid of all the pain
‘Cause she’s havin’ sex with a boy who’s sixteen
Emotions run deep and she thinks she’s in love
So there’s no protection – he’s usin’ no glove
Never thinkin’ bout the consequences of her actions
Livin’ for today and not tomorrow’s satisfaction
The days go by and her belly gets big
The father bails out – he ain’t ready for a kid
Knowin’ her mama will blow it all outta proportion
Plus she lives poor, so no money for abortion
Erica is stuck up in the world on her own
Forced to think that hell is a place called home
Nothin’ else to do but get her clothes and pack
She say she’s about to run away and never come back.”

Mary J. Blige:
“Runaway, runaway
Runaway love
Don’t keep running, girl
Runaway love
Runaway, runaway, runaway, runaway
Running, running, running.”

Ludacris: Hey!

Mary J. Blige:
“Don’t you keep running away
Don’t you keep on running away
I know how you feel, I been there
I was running away, too
I will run away with you
I will run away with you
Running, running, running away.”

Ludacris: Hey!

Mary J. Blige:
“Runaway, runaway, runaway love
Don’t keep running away
And I’ll run away with you
If you want me to.”

“I can only imagine what you’re going through, ladies
Sometimes I feel like running away myself
So do me a favor right now and close your eyes and picture us running away together
And when we come back, everything is going to be okay, all right?
Open youe eyes.”(applause)

Ladies and gentlemen – Mary J. Blige!


Submitted by: Dirk Noel

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ludacris: 11/18/06: Dr. Archibald Bitchslap

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 6

06f: Ludacris

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap

Samantha Hawkins…..Maya Rudolph
Donna…..Kristen Wiig
Pete…..Jason Sudeikis
Debra…..Amy Poehler
Jody…..Bill Hader
Dr. Archibald Bitchslap…..Ludacris

Samantha Hawkins: Do you want to save your marriage? I’m Samantha Hawkins, and in the next half hour I’m going to tell you about a revolutionary method to save your marriage. You’ll hear from couples all over who have benefited from this exciting, new, interactive way to solve relationship problems. Joining me in the studio today are Pete and Donna Longhorne, and Debra and Jody Preston. Welcome Pete and Donna. Tell us your story.

Donna: We fought all the time.

Pete: Every day.

Samantha Hawkins: About what?

Donna: Everything…

Pete: Money.

Donna: Money. I used to just spend like crazy. Shoes, handbags, TV sets..

Pete: I would come home from my job, very tired and hungry, always afraid to find out what she bought. Stuff we didn’t need. I was so stressed out about the money we fought.

Donna: Yeah. We fought so much. We tried every kind of counseling.

Pete: Nothing worked, until we heard about your method.

Samantha Hawkins: Hold that thought. Debra and Jody, problems?

Debra: I was at wit’s end, he was never home. He always said he was working late.

Jody: Which was a lie.

Debra: He would lie right to my face.

Jody: I would.

Debra: I saw your advertisement on TV and I thought, why not?

Jody: It was the best thing we ever did.

Samantha Hawkins: Okay. So here are two success stories. Now, I’d like you to meet the man responsible for this revolution in marriage counseling, my friend, and my partner, Dr. Archibald Bitchslap. Tell us about your method Dr. Bitchslap.

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap: Well, Samantha, I call it the Bitchslap Method and I think it’s absolutely the most effective method for solving any marital problem.

Samantha Hawkins: Is it difficult to put the Bitchslap Method into practice?

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap: You know, I don’t think so. I think if you order the tapes and you sit down and watch them, I believe you will fully understand the method.

Samantha Hawkins: Debra? Jody? How long after getting the tapes were you able to start the Bitchslap Method?

Debra: I would say, after watching the tapes I started the method right away.

Jody: She did. And it was very effective.

Debra: I think he’s really come around.

Jody: I-I-I have. Iii love her somuch.

Debra: You know, it’s so easy I think the method should be used every day!

Jody: Why? I mean, yes. I love you.

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap: Pete? I see you nodding along I see you also had great success with my method, didn’t you?

Pete: It was perfect for me.

Donna: It worked so fast… let me tell you.

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap: And how is your marriage today?

Pete: It’s great! She doesn’t spend anymore.

Donna: He’s happy. (Pete locks his arms around her neck) Ow.

Samantha Hawkins: These tapes have so much to offer. Here’s a sample of what you’ll receive, if you order the Bitchslap Method today!

(on tape)

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap: My name is Archibald Bitchslap. Is your marriage in trouble? Do you wish to change that? Let me show you how.

(Archibald Bitchslap with girl mannequin)

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap: Who’s yo daddy, bitch? (slaps mannequin)

(Samantha Hawkins with guy mannequin)

Samantha Hawkins: No, you did not, bitch. (slaps mannequin)

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap: You ain’t walkin’ out on me bitch! (slaps mannequin)

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap: Bitch! (slaps mannequin)

Archibald Bitchslap (close up): Biieetch!

Samantha Hawkins: I’m gonna come in your house at night and kill ya, you bitch! (slaps mannequin)

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap: (slaps mannequin)

Samantha Hawkins: (slaps mannequin)

Samantha Hawkins: (slaps mannequin)

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap: Where’s my dinner, bitch! (slaps mannequin)

Samantha Hawkins: Bitch! (slaps mannequin)

Samantha Hawkins: Don’t talk to me that way, biatch. (slaps mannequin)

(End tape.)

Samantha Hawkins: The tapes are simple, direct, and so easy to understand.

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap: There’s even a companion booklet that lets you read along.

Samantha Hawkins: When we come back, more couples share their amazing experiences with the Bitchslap Method. And Dr. Archibald Bitchslap will demonstrate on me!

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap: Oh yes, I will.

Samantha Hawkins: And I’ma get you back.

Submitted by: Claire N.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ludacris: 11/18/06: Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 6

This free script provided by]]>

06f: Ludacris

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers
John Mark Karr…..Bill Hader
Bobby Knight…..Jason Sudeikis
Anoosa Rosenfeld…..Maya Rudolph

Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. Here are tonight’s top stories.

President Bush, on Monday, met for more than an hour with the independent panel examining strategic options for Iraq, and cautioned afterward that, while he’s open to new ideas, he’d like them to come only from people who agree with him.

The Food and Drug Administration, on Friday, ended its fourteen-year ban on silicone breast implants. Said a spokesman for the FDA: [ mimes clutching her breasts ] “Ah-ooga! Ah-ooga!”

Seth Meyers: Senator Trent Lott, who was ousted from the Senate leadership four years ago because of remarks considered racially insensitive, won election Wednesday as the Senate Minority Whip, though Lott was disappointed to learn this doesn’t mean he gets to whip minorities.

In Kentucky, four people were shot by BB guns outside a Best Buy, as they waited in line to purchase the new Playstation 3, in yet another disturbing case of nerd-on-nerd violence.

Amy Poehler: General John Abizaid, the top U.S. General for the Middle East, told Congress this week that he remains optimistic that we can stabilize Iraq. In addition, Abizaid says he still has high hopes for Brad and Jennifer.

Seth Meyers: This Wednesday, O.J. simpson’s announced plans for a TV interview and book that hypothetically discusses how he would have murdered Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman. Here to comment on the ethical nature of this media event – John Mark Karr.

[ the audience cheers the presence of John Mark Karr ]

John Mark Karr: [ silently stares at the audience, batting his eyelashes at a furious pace ] Thank you, Seth and Amy. It’s good to be here. Let me begin by saying that I find this entire affair nothing more.. than a disgusting exploitation of a tragic event. Shame on the FOX Network, shame of Judith Regan, and, most of all, shame on O.J. Simpson, who loves the public spotlight so much.. that he continues to prentend.. that he killed.. Nicole Brown Simpson.

Seth Meyers: Wait. You – you don’t think that he killed her? You don’t think he’s the killer?

John Mark Karr: I know he isn’t the killer, Seth. Because I am. [ breathes easier ] Oh, my goodness! [ chuckles ] It feels so good to get that off my chest! Thank you guys, for being so easy to talk to! [ chuckles awkwardly ] The confessional floodgates are o-peninnnng! [ chuckles ] Oh! I’m just remembering another terrible thing I did – Seth, I can tell you this because I feel like you understand me.

Seth Meyers: I don’t.

John Mark Karr: The other day, I went to Naomi Campbell’s apartment.. and I hit her maid.. on the back of the head. Oh, my God! [ chuckles nervously ] It feels so good to confess to all my heinous, heinous crimes, y’all!

Seth Meyers: Yeah. I don’t think you did that, either.

John Mark Karr: [ desperately ] I shot 50 Cent!

Seth Meyers: Oh, come on!

John Mark Karr: Well, not all nine times – just six. Or five. Or six. I shot him eleven times!

Seth Meyers: Alright, go on. John Mark Karr, everybody.

John Mark Karr: I killed Bambi’s mom! What?!

Amy Poehler: Jesse Jackson, Oprah winfrey, Maya Angelous and Tommy Hilfiger were among those gathered in Washington, D.C., Monday, for the ground breaking of the Martin Luther King, Jr. National Memorial. And you know that if Martin Luther King were alive, he would have looked at the crowd and said, “Why the hell is Tommy Hilfiger here?”

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were marries earlier today in a castle in Italy. Let’s take a look at who was among the guests!

Seth Meyers: Oh, great!

Amy Poehler: Okay, we have a little chart here.

Seth Meyers: I love weddings!

Amy Poehler: [ pulls out seating chart ] This is fun – a little wedding chart here. [ using pointer ] So the bride and groom are here on the dais —

Seth Meyers: Oh, that’s nice.

Amy Poehler: Yeah. And the groom’s family sat over here.

Seth Meyers: Yeah.

Amy Poehler: Bride’s family over here.

Seth Meyers: Very exciting!

Amy Poehler: Yeah. Level 8: operational Faithens were over here.

Seth Meyers: Okay. That makes sense.

Amy Poehler: Aliens from the planet Klargon-7 – yeah, they say with the Meep Morps.

Seth Meyers: What? They can’t do that! The Klargons hate the Meep Morps!

Amy Poehler: I know. I know. And, at this table were the Dum-Dums and the Koo-Koos.

Seth Meyers: Oh, well, that’s good! ‘Cause Koo-Koos love Dum-Dums.

Amy Poehler: Yeah, Dum-Dums are great at weddings.

Seth Meyers: Wait a second – I’m sorry. [ lifts chart at the back of the pack, a single table at the rear ] Who’s this that sat way over here?

Amy Poehler: Brooke Shields.

Seth Meyers: Oh, that makes sense!

[ they put the chart away and continue with the newscast ]

Seth Meyers: Hall of Fame running back, Emmitt Smith, won “Dancing With the Stars”, Wednesday night. Tragically, he then celebrated by spiking his dance partner.

A Vermont woman who claims she was removed from an airplane because she was breastfeeding her baby, has filed a complaint against Delta Airlines and Freedom Airlines. In the airlines’ defense, this was the “baby.” [ show photo of grown man with a goatee ]

Amy Poehler: NBC announced another round of layoffs this week, Though, in some good news for the network, the “Dateline” sex predator is going co-op.

The Vatican reaffirmed the requirement that priests and seminarians remain celibate. Priests everywhere celebrated the news by saying, “Okay, that’s great! It’s just what we were hoping for! Yay!”

Seth Meyers: This week, “Spider-Man” star, Toby Maguire, and his fiancee, Jennifer Meyer, had a baby girl out of weblock. [ shakes his head apologetically ] [ suddenly, basketball coach Bobby Knight appears onstage and begins yelling at Seth Meyers ]

Bobby Knight: Come on! Come on! Look! What the HELL was that, Meyers?!

[ his head hanging down ] I-I’m – I’m sorry, Coach Knight —

Bobby Knight: WHAT?! WHAT?!! You got — [ grabs Seth’s tie ] LOOK AT ME!! You LOOK AT ME!! Keep your head up!! Look, you’ve gotta have CONFIDENCE in your jokes!! You’ve gotta STAY IN THE GAME!! You lose confidence, YOU LOSE!! You understand me?!! YOU LOSE!! [ an extended, awkward beat ] Stay in the GAME, Meyers!! [ steps back, turns and faces an offscreen crew member ] Cut your hair! [ looks back at Seth, then smacks his across the chest before making his exit from the set ]

Amy Poehler: Wow.. that’s Bobby Knight. Do you think he’s still mad?

Seth Meyers: No, no, he’s fine.

Amy Poehler: Yeah.

[ a basketball is thrown at Seth, and bounces off his left shoulder ]

Amy Poehler: Oh!! Ooh. Stay in the game, Seth. Tough – tough “Update” coach.

Seth Meyers: [ smiles ] According to a government study, only one-percent of web sites indexed by Google and Microsoft are sexually explicit. Though, I did my own research, and it turns out that’s plenty!

Amy Poehler: Next week is Thanksgiving, and herem with an important message for young girls, is the editor of the teen magazine, Sixteen & 1/2, Anoosa Rosenfeld.

Anoosa Rosenfeld: Hey, guys! What’s up, guys? It is SO awesome to be here. Amy, wasn’t “Degrassi” on the end super crunk last night?

Amy Poehler: I don’t know what any of those words mean.

Anoosa Rosenfeld: [ laughs with a titter, then takes out a tube of lip gloss ] MYSPACE!! You know, I am actually here to talk to you about something really important. Oh, my gosh – so serious, right, you guys? Amy, Thanksigiving is this week. And it’s easy to forget that there are a lot of hungry people out there. And, uh – I thought I would remind all the teenaged girls out there that you CAN make a difference by donating food. Canned goods are great, but it does NOT have to stop there. This Thanksgiving, I am going to encourage – or [ makes quotes signs with her fingers ] “pressure” all the teenaged girls out there to donate ALL your food! Everything! Just keep donating until you almost feel like you’re going to pass out. FALL OUT BOY!! [ rubs lip gloss on her lips ]

Amy Poehler: Anoosa, are – are you okay?

Anoosa Rosenfeld: Huh? I’m great. and so are all these stars who are making a difference. For example, Kate Bosworth. [ show skinny photo ] Look how generous she is! Mischa Barton? [ show skinny photo ] Gosh, so giving! And, Nicole Ritchie? [ show skinny photo ] I can almost see her Thanksgiving spirit just jutting right through her chest! They are such an inspiration, Amy. Now, tell me, do you donate?

Amy Poehler: Uh, yeah – I try to do my part.

Anoosa Rosenfeld: [ glances at Amy’s body ] Really? It probably wouldn’t kill to be a little more charitable, huh? [ begins chewing on her lip gloss, and laughing nervously ]

Amy Poehler: Anoosa – Anoosa, are you eating your lip gloss?

Anoosa Rosenfeld: Huh? CHAD MICHAEL MURRAY!! [ laughs nervously as she eats the lip gloss ] So, girls, this year – when you sit down to your Thanksgiving dinner, of a Sweet-and-Low packet and a cigarette, just remember: MILLIONS of TEENAGERS like you go to bed HUNGRY EVERY NIGHT!! Shouldn’t YOU be ONE of them?!

Amy Poehler: Anoosa Rosenfeld, everyone.

Anoosa Rosenfeld: GIRL POWER!!

Amy Poehler: Oh. She’s gotta go.

Anoosa Rosenfeld: I’m so hungry!

Amy Poehler: You’re eating lip gloss.

Anoosa Rosenfeld: I’m SO hungry!

Amy Poehler: I understand.

Seth Meyers: On Tuesday, Microsoft introduced its own version of the iPod, called Zune. As in, “Hey! Your zune isn’t as cool as my iPod!”

Amy Poehler: More than 700 passengers and crew members aboard a transatlantic Carnival cruise ship have fallen ill with flu-like symptoms. Experts have traced the outbreak to the previous night’s dinner special – All-You-Can-Eat Room-Temperature Oysters.

According to new research, manatees are smarter than they appear – but not by much.

Seth Meyers: Christian and Muslim Britons joined forces yesterday to tell city officials to stop taking the Christianity out of Christmas, warning them that this simply fuels a backlash against Muslims. Also fueling a backlash against Muslims – terrorism.

According to a new report, women who suffer from vaginal itching, burning or swelling after sex, may actually be having an allergic reaction to their partner’s semen. also, if you have peanut allergies, don’t have sex with this guy. [ show photo of Mr. Peanut with a black bar over his crotch ]

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Myers!

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ludacris: 11/18/06: Young Douglas: Hypin’ the Classics

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 6

06f: Ludacris

Young Douglas: Hypin’ the Classics

Young Douglas…..Ludacris
Harry Connick, Jr…..Jason Sudeikis
Barbra Streisand…..Maya Rudolph
James Blunt…..Andy Samberg
Dolly Parton…..Amy Poehler
Louis Armstrong…..Kenan Thompson

[ show Young Douglas in a series of rap poses ]

Announcer: Young Douglas. For over a decade, he’s been the loudest, the fiercest, the most respected hype man in the rap business!

Young Douglas: What? What?

[ show images of Young Douglas backing other rap artists ]

Announcer: Providing onstage back-up for multi-platinum recording artists like Eminem, 50 Cent, and Snoop Dogg!

Young Douglas: Ye-eah!

[ show Young Douglas’ new CD ]

Announcer: And now, for the first time ever, Young Douglas is teaming up with the biggest names in adult contemporary music – on the new album “Young Douglas: Hypin’ the classics.”

Young Douglas: Yo! Go cop my album, ’cause I’m gonna kill it!

Announcer: Featuring: Harry Connick, Jr.

[ dissolve to a grinning Harry Connick, Jr. performing, as young Douglas occasionally jumps into the scene to hype his lines ] [ SUPER: “It Had To Be You (Hell Yeah)” ]

Harry Connick, Jr.: “It had to be you –“

Young Douglas: Yeaaaahh! It had to be US, baby, ha ha!

Harry Connick, Jr.: “It had to be you –“

Young Douglas: It couldn’t’ve been nobody else – What?! What?! What?!

Harry Connick, Jr.: “I wandered around –“

Young Douglas: Tell me whatchoo was doin’?

Harry Connick, Jr.: “And finally found –“

Young Douglas: Tell ’em whatchoo FOUND, boy-eeee!

Harry Connick, Jr.: “The somebody who –“

Young Douglas: New York City, make some noiiiiiiiiiiiiiizzzzze!!

Announcer: And, yo – you ain’t NEVER heard the song stylin’s of Ms. Barbra Streisand, until you’ve heard ’em with Young Douglas!

[ dissolve to Barbra Streisand performing, as young Douglas occasionally jumps into the scene to hype his lines ] [ SUPER: “The Way We Were (Get Ya Damn Hands Up)” ]

Barbra Streisand: “Mem’ries –“

Young Douglas: Uh-oh! She recollectin’, y’all!

Barbra Streisand: “Like the corner of my mind –“

Young Douglas: She takin’ it back to nineteen-seventy-THREE! Whoop, whoop, whoop!

Barbra Streisand: “Misty watercolored mem’ries –“

Young Douglas: Drop it on the beat, get familiar with what’s going ON!

Barbra Streisand: “Of the way we were –“

Young Douglas: Get ya damn hands UP! Yeaaaahhh!

Announcer: Young Douglas! When he’s not smokin’ blunts at the dog track, he’s layin’ down smokin’ tracks with his dawg, James Blunt.

[ dissolve to James Blunt performing, as young Douglas occasionally jumps into the scene to hype his lines ] [ SUPER: “You’re Beautiful (That Ass)” ]

James Blunt: “You’re beautiful –“

Young Douglas: That ass!

James Blunt: “You’re beautiful –“

Young Douglas: He talkin’ ’bout that ass, yo!

James Blunt: “You’re beautiful, it’s true –“

Young Douglas: Your body is bangin’, baby! Whoop! Whoop!

Announcer: And, check it out – Young Douglas is spittin’ straight fire with Dolly Parton!

[ dissolve to Dolly Parton performing, as young Douglas occasionally jumps into the scene to hype his lines ] [ SUPER: “I Will Always Love You (Damn)” ]

Dolly Parton: “And Iiiiiii-yiiiii-eeeeee, will always love yoooooouuuu –“

Young Douglas: With breasteses, I would always love you, too, baby! Whoo!!

Dolly Parton: “Iiiiiiiii will always love you –“

Young Douglas: Yeah! Check ’em out, y’all! It’s like Beyonce’s ass built a house up north, and painted it WHITE! Look! Check ’em out! Look!

Dolly Parton: “Iiiiiiiii will always love you –“

Young Douglas: Hey, check it out from the side! Check it out, beat, you like that! Yeah! Yeah!

Announcer: And he ain’t just hypin’ the livin’ – he’s gettin’ straight grindin’ with the DEAD, too! Listen to this classic, with Louis Armstrong:

[ dissolve to black-and-white Louis Armstrong performing, as young Douglas occasionally jumps into the scene to hype his lines ] [ SUPER: “Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off (Gangsta Anthem)” ]

Louis Armstrong: “You say Tomato –“

Young Douglas: Say it how you say it, ‘Strong! Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Louis Armstrong: “You say Potato –“

Young Douglas: Get the word out, baby – yeah! Take that, take that, take that, take that!

Louis Armstrong: “Tomato –“

Young Douglas: What’s up, what, WHAT?!

Louis Armstrong: “Potato –“

Young Douglas: 2007, baby!

Louis Armstrong: “Let’s call the whole thing off –” [ blows trumpet ]

Young Douglas: Pop, pop, pop! It’s off, it’s off! What!

Announcer: You’ve loved these songs for as long as you can remember. Now hear them again for the first motherfu–in’ time.

Young Douglas: Hypin’ the Classics, is availabe at Best Buy, as well as on Canal Street and the mix tape spot at 14th and 6th.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Matthew Fox: 12/02/06

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 7

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

December 2nd, 2006

Matthew Fox

Tenacious D


Jason Reed

Emily Spivey
An NBC Special ReportSummary: President George W. Bush (Jason Sudeikis) holds a press conference with Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki (Fred Armisen) and his translator (Will Forte).

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.


Matthew Fox’s MonologueSummary: Matthew Fox explains to the audience how his life fell apart years earlier when he was the only “Party of Five” co-star who didn’t get to host “SNL” during its prime, not unlike stars like Matt LeBlanc and Michael Richards (Bill Hader).

Bio: Matthew Fox (1966-). Actor; starred in TV series “Party of Five” (1994-2004) and “Lost” (2004-).

Cameo: 06h.


Sale-MartSummary: To maintain its everyday low prices, the discount merchandising outlet proudly cuts corners on employee benefits.

Note: This commercial parody has been cut from several dress rehearsals since the beginning of the season.


Nancy GraceSummary: Nancy Grace (Amy Poehler) discusses Michael Richards’ racist tirade with a black college professor (Kenan Thompson) who obviously was not affected by it, gives her hypothetical review of O.J. Simpson’s cancelled TV special, then grills a police officer (Matthew Fox) who gave her a ticket for parking in a handicapped space.

Recurring Characters: Nancy Grace.


Deep House DishSummary: DJ Dynasty Handbag (Kenan Thompson) dishes on the club music scene with new co-host, T’Shane (Andy Samberg).

Recurring Characters: DJ Dynasty Handbag, T’Shane.

Elevator RideSummary: Matthew Fox is bombarded with questions and comments about “Lost” when fans discover his presence in an elevator.

Tenacious D perform “Kickapoo”First Performed: 97s.


Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: To deter racism, Jesse Jackson (Darrell Hammond) and Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson) make “Kramer” the new derogatory term for black people. Amy Poehler’s Aunt Linda (Kristin Wiig) reviews recent films that were released after Thanksgiving. Amy Poehler comments on Britney Spears’ continued downward slide. Whitney Houston’s (Maya Rudolph) commentary about her financial troubles is interrrupted by prank calls on her cell phone.

Recurring Characters: Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Aunt Linda, Whitney Houston.

Crazy Mountain ManSummary: All the crazy mountain man (Matthew Fox) wants is a piece of pie, but, failing that, he’ll settle for a kiss from a pair of pretty mountain ladies (Amy Poehler, Kristin Wiig). Fox cooperates with the script until he realizes that Amy, Kristen, and sketch writer Emily Spivey are stringing him along for a kiss.

Math vs. HistorySummary: History buff parents (Will Forte, Kristin Wiig) take it hard when their son (Andy Samberg) switches his college major to Math.

The Mayan Empire

Tenacious D perform “The Metal”Note: The metal monster is played by Jason Reed.




Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Dry EyesSummary: The game show where the winners don’t cave in to their emotions and cry.

Note: This sketch will air on the episode hosted by Justin Timberlake in two weeks.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg stars in a series of movie trailers.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: The boss (Fred Armisen) of a fast food restaurant suffers anger management issues as he gives his employees a “Pep Talk.”

Note: This Digital Short will air on next week’s episode hosted by Annette Bening.

Condom AdSummary: Soap opera stars Michael Park and Kim Zimmer talk about the condoms they use during sex scenes.

Recording SessionSummary: Jack Black is distracted during a recording session by thoughts of his van.

Buyer BewareSummary: Mason Lemmings (Kenan Thompson) and his neighbor Trudy (Maya Rudolph) host a consumer affairs program in their garage, warning local Brooklyn residents about what products not to waste their hard-earned money on while shopping for Christmas presents.

Note: This sketch will air on next week’s episode hosted by Annette Bening.

Stock MarketSummary: In 1929, an investor (Darrell Hammond) praises the Stock Market the day before the crash that begat the Great Depression.

BrookstoneSummary: Two guys (Jason Sudeikis, Kenan Thompson) test the massage chairs at Brookstone.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Matthew Fox: 12/02/06: Goodnights

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 7

06g: Matthew Fox / Tenacious D


…..Matthew Fox

Matthew Fox: I want to thank Tenacious D! [ audience cheers ] The whole cast, and everybody at SNL! I had the greatest time this week – thank you, guys!

SNL Transcripts