Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 2
09c: Drew Barrymore / Regina Spektor
An SNL Digital Short
Brenda…..Drew Barrymore
Shaun…..Fred Armisen
Graduate Student…..Jenny Slate
Graduate’s Father…..Jim Downey
Girlfriend…..Nasim Pedrad
Boyfriend…..Andy Samberg
Patient…..Abby Elliott
Injured Cyclist…..Bobby Moynihan
Grown Son…..Kenan Thompson
FADE IN
INT. PUBLIC ACCESS CHANNEL STUDIO
LOW GRADE VHS SCREEN RESOLUTION
A married couple, BRENDA & SHAUN, dressed in identical creme white wardrobes with matching haircuts and magenta silk ties knotted around their necks, stand side-by-side.
Brenda: Hi. We’re Brenda & Shaun.
Shaun: Are you looking for entertainment for your party? Let us bring entertainment to YOU!
1980’s SYNTHESZIER POP MUSIC BEGINS.
STAR WIPE
Both start performing mime using orange glowing thumb-shaped orbs.
SQUARE WIPE
Both continue to do various amateur miming movements using the orbs.
DIAMOND WIPE
EXT. NEW YORK BROWNSTONE – BACKYARD – DAY
SUPER: BIRTHDAY PARTY
Shaun (V/O): Hire us for your birthday party.
Brenda & Shaun entertain young children using the orbs.
EXT. NYU – DAY
SUPER: GRADUATION
Brenda (V/O): Graduation.
A GRADUATE STUDENT, in a blue cap & gown w/her FATHER and MOTHER, hold champagne glasses while posing for a photographer. Brenda & Shaun interrupt the photo session to perform their orb tricks.
INT. HOTEL SUITE – NIGHT
SUPER: ENGAGEMENTS
Shaun (V/O): Engagements.
A BOYFRIEND is down on one knee, holding a black box containing an engagement ring before his GIRLFREIND, who is seated on a queen bed covered in rose petals. She clasps her hands to her lips; on the verge of tears. Brenda & Shaun stroll into the suite, performing the orb routine. The engaged couple smiles at first, then show a slight grimace on their faces.
X-SHAPED WIPE
INT. OPTOMETRIST OFFICE – DAY
SUPER: EYE EXAMS
Brenda (V/O): Eye exams.
A PATIENT holds a tong over her left eye, reading an eye chart while her OPTOMETRIST uses a pointer to direct her. Brenda & Shaun sneak in and perform the orb routine. The patient struggles to read the chart. Her optometrist glances down to the floor.
CIRCLE WIPE
EXT. NYC – SIDEWALK – NIGHT
SUPER: MEDICAL EMERGENCIES
Shaun (V/O): Medical emergencies.
Brenda & Shaun tip-toe around a fire engine to an INJURED CYCLIST while doing their tricks. The cyclist bleeds from his forehead. Brenda & Shaun play the orbs around the cyclist’s head, who tries to brush them away.
INT. NURSING HOME
MELODRAMATIC MUSIC
SUPER: MEETING YOUR BIOLOGICAL FATHER
Brenda (V/O): Meeting your biological father.
An ELDERLY AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN and his GROWN SON share a heartwarming moment. Brenda & Shaun saunter in hamming it up via the orbs. The son clenches his jaw. The father appears confused.
SQUARE WIPE
INT. APARTMENT – NIGHT
1980’S SYNTHESIZER POP MUSIC
SUPER: BANKRUPTCIES
Shaun (V/O): Bankruptcies.
Brenda dances with the orbs in the background. Shaun calculates accounting records and sighs over his conclusions. His left thumb glows from the orb.
INT. APARTMENT – SAME NIGHT
SUPER: EVICTIONS
Brenda (V/O): Evictions.
Brenda and Shaun tip-toe through the hallway, holding a number of cardboard boxes as they pass numerous eviction notices on a message board. A police officer and the building’s superintendent stand somber as the couple departs.
EXT. NYC – ALLEYWAY- NIGHT
SUPER: FAMILY MEALS
Shaun (V/O): Family meals.
Seated on a blanket-covered pavement, Brenda & Shaun consume a dead crow-on-a-stick at the same time. They give each other a thumbs up with the orbs.
EXT. NYC – SIDEWALK – NIGHT
SUPER: MAKING NEW FRIENDS
Brenda (V/O): Making new friends.
Disoriented and unbathed, Brenda & Shaun do the orb routine as an oncoming couple approaches. The oncoming couple walks around them. A police officer arrives on scene, turns them towards a brick wall, and frisks them.
EXT. NYC – SIDEWALK – MOMENTS LATER
SUPER: ROAD TRIPS
Shaun (V/O): Road trips.
The police officer places Brenda & Shaun in the back of his patrol car. The couple does their act in a desperate fashion as the patrol car drives away.
X-WIPE
INT. PUBLIC ACCESS CHANNEL STUDIO
Brenda & Shaun stand side-by-side.
Brenda: We’re Brenda & Shaun.
Shaun: And we are available.
Together: Let us light up your life!!
Both pull the orbs out of their mouth and hold their arms in the air.
X-WIPE
END
Submitted by: Cody Downs
